It's not you, it's me

I suspect the root issue lies within that first "standard" relationship. Something went wrong there; look for the cause in that wreckage. Did she walk out on you? Why?

Nova, I’m talking about some statistics I heard from a psychoanalyst—one of the heavy hitters in the field and one of the few practitioners actually operating in the US. I don't know what kind of methodology he used 🙂 but I'm convinced there's a way to distinguish someone who just dresses weirdly and wears piercings from an actual psychiatric case. :-)

Alex Patel96 said:There are way too many people like that out there. But sure, let’s pretend they have all these other great qualities. I'm not even going to bother falling for someone just because of that. Honestly, why would I? Got it.🤷

Then you'll be—or maybe you already are—simply head over heels in love!😍

Heh, now I probably sound like someone with super low standards.🤣

Anyway, why would you even fall for someone?? 🤷
I mean, I'm actually curious now since you brought it up.

Ronald Garcia5 said:Honestly, I don't know. Maybe two broken people actually trying to fix themselves can make it work. Perhaps. They just have to admit they're a mess and truly want to stop being one. Ugh. You've given me something to chew on.

The sci-fi author Theodor Sturgeon captured this exact dilemma beautifully in one of his short stories, posing it as: "Can two ordinary trees create bonsai from one another?" 🙏
Personally, I think they can—provided they actually put in the effort and aren't too far gone at the start.

I don't think it's about two losers pairing up—it's about their obsession with "growth." Any combination can work if the drive is there. It’s the hunger for change that matters, not who they teamed up with... get it?

Crossing two trees won't magically produce a bonsai, for crying out loud. 🙂

coastalhound4 said:If you ignore the one decent relationship I had back in my teens, everything else has just been a series of pathetic attempts at something with people who—either bluntly or through some subtle hints—made it clear they were totally messed up and a relationship wouldn't work. In the last eight years, there haven't been many; maybe two, three cases tops, and they always end the exact same way.

Why do people even use lines like that? Is there an actual psychological basis for saying stuff like "It's not you, it's me," "I'm just broken," or any of those other low-key insults?
Aside from being a total slap in the face to your intelligence, it basically implies: you're so incredibly repulsive that I can't even bring myself to tell you directly.

I don't know how much weight to give to standard Psychology textbooks, but what are the odds that this supposed "brokenness" is actually true? Or is it all just a cover-up, like I suggested above?

I still don't quite grasp why you process it—or rather, why your mind translates it—that way. Sure, there are people who weaponize those statements, but not everyone. Look, I can tell you that some people genuinely mean it when they say they're a mess, but you won't believe me anyway. We'd just end up going in circles. 👋

hiddenhawk3 said:Heh, now I probably sound like someone with super low standards.🤣

Anyway, why would you even fall for someone?? 🤷
I mean, I'm actually curious now since you brought it up.

To put it simply, I might fall for someone—but I don't have to—who meets my criteria. I’m not going to list them all here; there are way too many.

I’ve dated people who checked those boxes, but the spark just wasn't there. You can't force feelings like that. So, honestly, there isn't a straight answer to your question. I have no clue what specific thing will eventually trigger those emotions for me.🤷 What I am saying is that I won't even bother developing feelings for anyone who falls outside my circle of requirements. I won't give them the chance, and I won't go out with them. Get what I mean? That's just how it's always worked for me.

So you’re actually asking if you’re truly that awful and if they’re just playing nice to let you off the hook. How cute.
No, it doesn't have to be a free pass, but it certainly could be. We're back to the same point—the issue is you. No matter how you spin it, you're the one who has to fix it. And you won't fix anything until you admit it exists. I can't hand you the solution.

There will always be people who lean on the tired old cliché "It's not you, it's me" just to wiggle out of an awkward conversation.
I don't operate that way. I am genuinely a mess right now, and I have no desire to drag anyone else into my chaos by entering a relationship. 🙄
What kind of partnership could I possibly offer if I can't even bring my best self to the table? 🤷

Ronald Garcia5 said:I'd much rather be blunt than end up completely screwed over like 😂😂😂

That’s easy for me to say—I actually own my issues. But honestly? Someone showing up on a subforum like this just to mock others for being "messed up" probably has way more baggage than most people here. IMHO. 🙄

Point well taken.

I’m feeling pretty low right now. Honestly, just missing her. I told her straight up: if we’re only seeing each other twice a month, she needs to put that time and energy into someone she actually cares about. But every single time I ask, she’s already got plans with somebody else.

She calls me possessive and jealous. Look, I get it—that's part of my baggage, one of those flaws I carry around. But I refuse to sit here begging for attention or scavenging for the little crumbs she tosses my way every once in a while. I’ve got too much self-respect for that, even if I end up moping around the house alone because of it.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe I’m just cursed. Every time I get deeply attached to someone I love, it blows up in my face. And I’m definitely not old enough to just start playing it safe and holding back.

I’m exhausted. Just drained, sad, and lonely. It feels like every couple of years I’m right back at square one, losing a little more faith in people.
It’s always the ones you care about most who let you down the hardest.

That’s why I think using those "soft" phrases at the beginning doesn't actually help protect anyone's feelings. If anything, it does the exact opposite...

You remind me of an ex of mine. He ended up totally cutting everyone out—women, relationships, all of it—just to bury himself in his work. Everyone let him down, myself included...🤷

And honestly, I always felt he was pretty possessive. Even though we weren't exactly seeing each other constantly. We were together maybe once a week, sometimes every few days... except when I’d head back home to my hometown for a few weeks at a time. And look, I’m not kidding, that's a long time to be apart.🤣 🤷

coastalhound4 said:I’m feeling pretty low right now. Honestly, just missing her. I told her straight up: if we’re only seeing each other twice a month, she needs to put that time and energy into someone she actually cares about. But every single time I ask, she’s already got plans with somebody else.

She calls me possessive and jealous. Look, I get it—that's part of my baggage, one of those flaws I carry around. But I refuse to sit here begging for attention or scavenging for the little crumbs she tosses my way every once in a while. I’ve got too much self-respect for that, even if I end up moping around the house alone because of it.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe I’m just cursed. Every time I get deeply attached to someone I love, it blows up in my face. And I’m definitely not old enough to just start playing it safe and holding back.

I’m exhausted. Just drained, sad, and lonely. It feels like every couple of years I’m right back at square one, losing a little more faith in people.
It’s always the ones you care about most who let you down the hardest.

That’s why I think using those "soft" phrases at the beginning doesn't actually help protect anyone's feelings. If anything, it does the exact opposite...

ad bold 1: Oh yeah, because she's just so incredibly generous
ad bold 2: People weren't invented just so we could trust them😂😂
ad bold 3🙂Can you even really be disappointed by someone you don't give a damn about? 😕
ad bold 4: Exactly 👍

I haven't combed through every single comment here, but I can vouch for my own honesty. When I say it, I mean it. (I have this slightly neurotic habit of dodging commitment 😬 )
Those guys were perfectly fine. Honestly, some were the kind of partners any parent would dream of for their daughter. But sometimes, I just wasn't wired for a relationship. What else is there to say besides the old "it's not you, it's me" 😕? It would be much easier to lie and claim, "you're unattractive, you're repulsive, I'm just not feeling it," 🤔 🤣
but they didn't deserve that. They hadn't done anything wrong. Instead, I’d just find myself suddenly repulsed by them for absolutely no reason at all—that little psychological glitch I mentioned before. I couldn't exactly invent a fake grievance to pin on them...
There was exactly one occasion where I wasn't being sincere. That was when a guy was just incredibly, painfully boring. He wouldn't say a word, and when he finally did, it was always: "Whatever you want." 🙄 And he was such a sweetheart, too... 😢 🤣 I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth about how dull he was. So, once again, I had to retreat to the classic "it's not you, it's me" excuse. If anyone has a better suggestion, please, do let me know!!! 😁