Low self-esteem: Why do I always go for the super hot guys?

gentletiger20 said:So, look, we’re talking about proving your worth here... but honestly? It’s being done all wrong. If you want my real, unfiltered take, you need to stop making men the sun that your entire universe revolves around. Instead, pivot that energy toward actual substance—stuff like killing it at your job, leaning into a hobby you actually care about, building out your social circle, or just meeting different people... specifically guys, but without that heavy sexual or romantic subtext hanging over everything.
I really think this kind of self-work helps steady the ship and starts fixing that warped view of yourself and how you handle relationships. When you start seeing men as actual human beings—just platonic connections—you won't be constantly tripping over those deep-seated fears or getting stuck in defensive mode. Eventually, it helps you see them as companions or friends rather than just... I don't know, fuel for your own ego. Not necessarily those specific dudes, but just the male gender in general.

Basically, stop obsessing over guys and start focusing on what you’re actually capable of... your own potential. It’s a choice, really. If you have the willpower to make it happen.

True, but one thing doesn't rule out the other. What about people who want to prove themselves in every single area of life?🤷 (and clearly for the wrong reasons) Whether someone is obsessed with men, personal status, or something else entirely...
Is there even a difference? Should we really be validating someone's insecurities, no matter how they show up?🤷

Though, let's face it, all sorts of complexes drive people to do things in life!🤣🤣
I just wonder if it's actually healthy.😍

I mean, look, some kind of drive to improve is basically mandatory—without it, we’re all just walking corpses, right? And honestly, "the right amount" is such a subjective concept... whatever. But let's be real: climbing the ladder at work is tied to success and, yeah, being better than the competition—whether you mean to or not. Using that urge to outshine everyone else at the office isn't exactly the most noble motivation, but hey, it actually pushes you in the right direction... it makes you actually do the damn work. Now, wanting a hotter or more "desirable" guy than the girls in your social circle? That’s just heading down a dead end. Just because a guy is easier on the eyes doesn't mean the relationship won't be a total disaster. At the end of the day, a romantic relationship is just about two people... just them. Work, though? That’s an individual's relationship with the entire corporate community. So, if you absolutely have to fixate on something and prove your worth through competition, make sure it's your career. It's probably less damaging to your soul.
But honestly, I still think what I said earlier about focusing on developing higher-quality personal connections with men is way more important.

restlessmason54 said:Childhood traumas? Maybe you're just carrying around some baggage from your younger years without even realizing it.🤷 Were you ever an outcast growing up, or maybe someone people constantly tried to pick on?
The subconscious is a real piece of work.

Look, if we're talking about childhood specifically... I certainly wasn't anyone's favorite.

gentletiger20 said:So, look, we’re talking about proving your worth here... but honestly? It’s being done all wrong. If you want my real, unfiltered take, you need to stop making men the sun that your entire universe revolves around. Instead, pivot that energy toward actual substance—stuff like killing it at your job, leaning into a hobby you actually care about, building out your social circle, or just meeting different people... specifically guys, but without that heavy sexual or romantic subtext hanging over everything.
I really think this kind of self-work helps steady the ship and starts fixing that warped view of yourself and how you handle relationships. When you start seeing men as actual human beings—just platonic connections—you won't be constantly tripping over those deep-seated fears or getting stuck in defensive mode. Eventually, it helps you see them as companions or friends rather than just... I don't know, fuel for your own ego. Not necessarily those specific dudes, but just the male gender in general.

Basically, stop obsessing over guys and start focusing on what you’re actually capable of... your own potential. It’s a choice, really. If you have the willpower to make it happen.

Hmm... I finished a pretty demanding degree, I work in my field, and while there isn't much room for upward mobility, I don't particularly have the ambition for it either...
I am raising a wonderful child all on my own—that is my greatest achievement.
As for talents... I haven't discovered any yet.😉

Yes, "fixation" is exactly the right word... and "ego fuel."
Yet, on the other hand, I simply don't have the courage to enter into a real relationship—in the true sense of the word.

Scott Lee13 said:That’s exactly where I went wrong—I was too focused on the surface level and that whole polished, arrogant front.
I’m at an age where this really shouldn't even be on my radar—not that it changes anything.
It’s especially about showing some backbone.

In that case, you definitely have a problem...

That’s exactly why I’m asking for advice—or at least some perspective..
maybe it’ll help me see things more realistically.

Scott Lee13 said:That’s exactly why I’m asking for advice—or at least some perspective..
maybe it’ll help me see things more realistically.

Well, screw that. I looked at it a long time ago, and nothing changed.🤣🤣

Actually, what gentletiger20 wrote helped me out a bit 🙂

Scott Lee13 said:Actually, what gentletiger20 wrote helped me out a bit 🙂

I'm not really looking for help myself.🤷 🤣
Good luck fixing your mess.🙂

I need to sort this out. I can see it’s holding me back from functioning properly—because the further I go, the higher the bar I set for myself...
And in the end, I'm always the one paying the price.

Scott Lee13 said:That’s exactly where I went wrong—I was too focused on the surface level and that whole polished, arrogant front.
I’m at an age where this really shouldn't even be on my radar—not that it changes anything.
It’s especially about showing some backbone.

I suffer from the exact same dilemma: looks and attitude—those are my non-negotiables. I've spent some time dissecting why that is. My reasoning breaks down like this:
- Being "attractive" is paramount because, quite simply, I cannot envision quality intimacy with someone I find physically unappealing; there is just no desire there.
- As for "attitude" (that certain confidence), it's essential because I happen to be quite high-strung, explosive, dominant, bold, and loud. I need someone who can actually hold their own against that. I have zero interest in the timid, the quiet, the boring, or those lacking a backbone or an opinion; being overly sensitive isn't my style.
- The third reason is perhaps the least significant, though still present: what will people think about the guy I'm with (the trophy factor)...

Of course, if he is handsome but lacks conviction, he fails to excite me. If he has the presence but isn't attractive, he fails again. And if he hits both marks but lacks the core character traits I require, a relationship is impossible.

I find myself wishing for someone "balanced": someone who looks good without being a model, possesses strength without needing to dominate every room, and whose character aligns perfectly with mine. That is when I believe that famous spark—that chemistry—would actually occur.

Walter Peterson said:I suffer from the exact same dilemma: looks and attitude—those are my non-negotiables. I've spent some time dissecting why that is. My reasoning breaks down like this:
- Being "attractive" is paramount because, quite simply, I cannot envision quality intimacy with someone I find physically unappealing; there is just no desire there.
- As for "attitude" (that certain confidence), it's essential because I happen to be quite high-strung, explosive, dominant, bold, and loud. I need someone who can actually hold their own against that. I have zero interest in the timid, the quiet, the boring, or those lacking a backbone or an opinion; being overly sensitive isn't my style.
- The third reason is perhaps the least significant, though still present: what will people think about the guy I'm with (the trophy factor)...

Of course, if he is handsome but lacks conviction, he fails to excite me. If he has the presence but isn't attractive, he fails again. And if he hits both marks but lacks the core character traits I require, a relationship is impossible.

I find myself wishing for someone "balanced": someone who looks good without being a model, possesses strength without needing to dominate every room, and whose character aligns perfectly with mine. That is when I believe that famous spark—that chemistry—would actually occur.

Of course you wouldn't date someone you aren't attracted to, but for me, it's about him being objectively handsome by most people's standards... part of that "attractive" group.
Regarding what you said about him needing to have that certain edge... that swagger...
And I know it sounds a bit immature, but still...
That part about the "trophy" aspect? It feels like I'm reading my own thoughts—I think that might actually be the root of the issue.

I’d also add one more thing: "he needs to have backbone, match my character, and not make me look foolish."

You’re focusing way more on your "image" than on who you actually are.

You’re taking everything far too seriously—you don't give yourself any room to just enjoy life, relax, or even make a few "mistakes" every now and then!
Other people don't truly know you well enough to understand what you really need, so there's really no point in living your life based on everyone else's opinions.
Sure, you might end up being a "perfect actress," but once you step off that stage, real LIFE is waiting for you—the kind of life you actually chose for yourself!
You can have a flawless exterior paired with an "imperfect" soul, or you can choose something else entirely... it's all up to you.

Good luck!

Adam Kern2 said:You’re focusing way more on your "image" than on who you actually are.

You’re taking everything far too seriously—you don't give yourself any room to just enjoy life, relax, or even make a few "mistakes" every now and then!
Other people don't truly know you well enough to understand what you really need, so there's really no point in living your life based on everyone else's opinions.
Sure, you might end up being a "perfect actress," but once you step off that stage, real LIFE is waiting for you—the kind of life you actually chose for yourself!
You can have a flawless exterior paired with an "imperfect" soul, or you can choose something else entirely... it's all up to you.

Good luck!

I don't think that's quite right...
If I actually cared about my image, I would have worked much harder to be perfect in other areas of my life—but I haven't.

What actually worries me is that I'd rather be with a "hot guy" who gives me nothing, than someone "ordinary" who actually treats me right...
Because, at the end of the day, a hot guy is still a hot guy.😉
And maybe that would be fine if I were a teenager or in my early twenties...
But I've already outgrown those years.

Good grief,

I’m exactly the same way—only really interested in guys who are actually good-looking... and honestly, I’m not even talking about some massive, over-the-top ego or anything like that.

It’s pretty simple, really; I just love hooking up with a man who is attractive and hot, someone I can kiss, look at, and touch.

Why on earth do we have to turn everything into some complicated science project?

Maybe the real issue isn't even about hunting for "hot" guys... it’s more about why you’re settling for dudes who don't actually respect you. And what's the deal with that disrespect, anyway? Is this whole "alpha" persona just a fancy euphemism for being a jerk?

So, what does "alpha" actually mean in this context? It feels like people use that term to describe behavior that someone only pulls when they feel totally dominant over everyone else. But let's be real—none of these guys act like that when they're around a woman they actually want to impress. That's where the logic falls apart. If he's acting all confident and self-assured, it probably means you're the one keeping him on his toes...

Or maybe it’s just basic biological differences in how we approach dating. Even if our core needs are basically the same, the way we go about getting them can be worlds apart. Like, one girl might get a massive ego boost from seeing a guy put in serious effort for her, while another would much rather be the one doing the chasing, hunting, and catching. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that...

But now I'm curious... what does an "alpha" look like once they hit their thirties? The last time I associated that vibe with anyone was those high school bullies hanging out behind the gym. Or that mysterious guy riding up to campus on a Harley, hair blowing in the wind, acting like he doesn't even notice girls exist. Then he shows up at some party, sweeps someone off their feet, moves on to the next girl at the next party, and leaves a trail of broken hearts in his wake...

As far as I'm concerned, the thing I rarely find with guys is that sense of being kindred spirits—you know, thinking alike, actually *getting* each other. For me, feeling understood and knowing we see the world through the same lens is everything, but man, that seems incredibly rare. To me, that kind of connection is a much bigger turn-on than some movie-style hug, a kiss, or even just having a pretty face...

Man, props on the article!

But seriously, Zelda, were you like, Daddy's little princess or something? You seem way too high-maintenance, just bouncing around everywhere like you own the place. Total spoiled brat vibes, honestly.
Maybe your old man was one of those "cool guys" who thought he was all that?

I just don't get why women think being "cool" actually makes them better in bed? And besides, who even qualifies as a "cool guy" anyway?