Guilt and Regret: How do you deal with it?

Jesse Peterson5, if you’re actually convinced that forgiveness is what "releases" guilt—then what exactly is stopping you from extending that same grace to yourself?

wiredmoose3 said:Jesse Peterson5, if you’re actually convinced that forgiveness is what "releases" guilt—then what exactly is stopping you from extending that same grace to yourself?

I get that... I just don't know if I can put it into words properly...
I mess up, I feel bad about it, and I try my best to fix the damage. Eventually, the other person forgives me—the anger fades and they don't hold it over my head anymore. But I still can't forgive myself. Maybe it's because, from where I'm standing, some things are just unforgivable. Even when I feel that sense of relief, I can't quite convince myself it's real. It would feel fake, like I'm just acting.
That relief comes strictly from seeing that I haven't left permanent scars on the people I hurt—seeing that they're back to their normal selves after a while. Otherwise, I can't handle the thought of hurting anyone, especially those close to me. It feels like a curse that I always seem to end up causing the most trouble for the people who actually matter most in my life.😢

I’m not really satisfied with your answer😁...well, you didn't actually give me one—you just offered a series of different perspectives throughout this entire thread. We're just spinning our wheels here, Jesse Peterson5...
You started this whole thing by saying you were drowning in guilt and asking how to move past it, and then you wrote this:

Jesse Peterson5 said:I get that... I just don't know if I can put it into words properly...
I mess up, I feel bad about it, and I try my best to fix the damage. Eventually, the other person forgives me—the anger fades and they don't hold it over my head anymore. But I still can't forgive myself. Maybe it's because, from where I'm standing, some things are just unforgivable. Even when I feel that sense of relief, I can't quite convince myself it's real. It would feel fake, like I'm just acting.
That relief comes strictly from seeing that I haven't left permanent scars on the people I hurt—seeing that they're back to their normal selves after a while. Otherwise, I can't handle the thought of hurting anyone, especially those close to me. It feels like a curse that I always seem to end up causing the most trouble for the people who actually matter most in my life.😢

If it’s your personal truth—your own conviction—that certain actions are beyond forgiveness, then who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to try and talk you out of it?🤷 Entire religions, philosophies, and great schools of thought are built, among other things, on the concept of forgiveness, yet you’ve decided to rebel against that. You’ve chosen to embrace "non-forgiveness" (in your own eyes) and suffer through the guilt. All I can do is respect your choice and wish you luck.

Jerry Martinez5 said:Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you realized how this guilt is messing with your life. It’s pretty obvious to you now that it’s excessive and just holding you back.

It gets resolved... slowly. In any specific situation where your conscience starts stinging because you did X instead of Y, try to comfort yourself. If you messed up—hey, nobody is perfect.

It takes time to learn how to give yourself credit every time you actually do something right. So, when that guilt hits you over example X, counter it with example Y—something you can genuinely be proud of.

These feelings are toxic. They don't make us "better" people. It's just a reflection of being too hard on yourself, which, ironically, keeps you from actually improving.

I say this truthfully because that’s exactly how I used positive self-talk to get past my own guilt. It got to a point where it was almost ridiculous—I’d feel bad if I didn't move over an inch for someone on the subway, or if I didn't stand up for someone older than me, or even when I was dealing with intense physical pain. I even felt guilty about not giving change to panhandlers on the street, even though I knew at the end of the day they probably had more cash on them than I did.😕

I guess you just have to constantly talk yourself through it and stay rational. That’s what works for me.