Pregnancy anxiety: Scared of becoming a parent and the responsibility ahead

I honestly feel that if someone doesn't feel an enthusiastic, resounding "yes!" when it comes to having kids, they probably shouldn't be parents. Even for those who desperately want them, I think it’s worth pausing to ask why—is it truly out of love, or is it driven by loneliness, a sense of obligation, tradition, or just the desire to have a "mini-me"?
A child's psychology is incredibly fragile. I don't see why people who aren't ready for that lifelong responsibility—and there is absolutely nothing shameful about not being ready—or those who aren't aware of a child's emotional and intellectual needs should have children at all. Why is this treated as a universal necessity? Just because we can, doesn't mean we should.🤷

There are plenty of neglected children out there, and let's face it, most of us grow up carrying some level of trauma, insecurity, or mental health struggles stemming from mistakes our parents made. Maybe they meant well, but perhaps they simply didn't know any better.

I really don't get that "just try it, what's the worst that could happen?" mindset when it involves children. We wouldn't approach other high-stakes professions where you hold someone else's life and future in your hands with that kind of recklessness, so why is it considered acceptable when it comes to parenting? 🤔 🤷

electricscout15 said:I honestly feel that if someone doesn't feel an enthusiastic, resounding "yes!" when it comes to having kids, they probably shouldn't be parents. Even for those who desperately want them, I think it’s worth pausing to ask why—is it truly out of love, or is it driven by loneliness, a sense of obligation, tradition, or just the desire to have a "mini-me"?
A child's psychology is incredibly fragile. I don't see why people who aren't ready for that lifelong responsibility—and there is absolutely nothing shameful about not being ready—or those who aren't aware of a child's emotional and intellectual needs should have children at all. Why is this treated as a universal necessity? Just because we can, doesn't mean we should.🤷

There are plenty of neglected children out there, and let's face it, most of us grow up carrying some level of trauma, insecurity, or mental health struggles stemming from mistakes our parents made. Maybe they meant well, but perhaps they simply didn't know any better.

I really don't get that "just try it, what's the worst that could happen?" mindset when it involves children. We wouldn't approach other high-stakes professions where you hold someone else's life and future in your hands with that kind of recklessness, so why is it considered acceptable when it comes to parenting? 🤔 🤷

Maybe some kind of school or at least a course for future parents? Like a certification of competency required to actually have a kid? During this training—both theory and practice—you might realize if you're actually cut out for the role or not. Neglected kids could serve as the test subjects. Every parent, single or coupled, during their training would get a child on loan, since nobody's getting their own "real" kid until they pass. Just like a purebred dog, not some random mutt from a local animal shelter. If you need a license to drive and a medical exam to prove you're fit for the road, wouldn't a permit to have a kid make sense? But hey, in a country where you can bypass just about any regulation, it probably wouldn't matter anyway...

I suppose if you just filter out those who have absolutely no desire to be parents, abortion becomes a much less stigmatized issue. It means we aren't pressuring people into parenthood just because "having kids" feels like some silly social expectation of adulthood. I honestly think things would be a lot better overall without such draconian measures.

While I totally agree that some form of authorization should exist, 😬 I’d actually go a step further. If the technology were available, maybe the ideal scenario would be providing a medication at birth that keeps you sterile until you choose to reverse it once you reach adulthood. That way, having children becomes a conscious, deliberate choice in your grown years, rather than an "oops, it happened, I guess we'll deal with it" situation where a child ends up growing up in, well... unfavorable circumstances.

George Ward2 said:Hey everyone,
I’m really hoping I can find someone here who might be able to offer some perspective or advice.
So, my partner and I have been together for five years now, and we've been living together for about a year.
We are truly in love and get along so well; he is such an incredible partner who helps me out with everything around the house, whether it's going for long walks or planning weekend trips, and I make sure to return the favor by handling the cooking and keeping our place tidy.
We both have steady careers and aren't worried about money at all.
The real issue is that I am genuinely terrified of motherhood, while he—though he hasn't said it directly yet—has been dropping hints that he wants kids someday, and since he's 38 and I'm 34, that "someday" feels like it needs to be right now or never.
I worry that I just won't have the patience or the stamina required to raise a child, and honestly, the thought of a child potentially having developmental issues scares me deeply; plus, looking at the state of the world today, I wouldn't even want to be born in this era, let alone bring a new life into it.
I know deep down he is the person I want to spend my life with because we are so happy together, but I think what we’re actually missing is honest, open communication, especially since in five years, we haven't even had a single real argument...
I also catch myself wondering if he truly wants to be a father or if he just feels pressured to do so because of what his friends and neighbors are doing...
He is also incredibly particular about how clean and organized our apartment stays, and I know that kind of lifestyle goes out the window once you have a kid, so I just don't want to go through with this unless I am absolutely certain I'm ready to be a mom.

Honestly, this whole setup doesn't sound even remotely healthy to me... it kind of rubs me the wrong way. Look, you can split chores however you want, fine, whatever, but those are just basic tasks that need getting done—they aren't some kind of "payment" for going on walks (unless we're talking about an unequal exchange of resources, maybe). And I seriously can't stand the word "helping" when it comes to your own damn house... you live there, you're an adult. Plus, how do you even "return the favor" if he's already doing things for you? The math just isn't mathing here.

Maybe the real issue is that you don't actually feel safe or relaxed around him? Like, you can't just be yourself? You know, messy, or cranky, or whatever else...

(Not that you should be like that 24/7, or stop trying to be a decent, organized human being, but everyone has their off days...)

Honestly, when you look at those permits, it might look all fine and tidy on paper, but if you ask me? It’s a straight shot toward fascism and total authoritarianism.
Plus, it’s not like we can just sit there and decide who qualifies as a "good" parent and who doesn't. That's just not how life works. Besides, one person could be an amazing parent to one kid and a complete disaster to another... for a million different reasons.

jadeowl2 said:Honestly, when you look at those permits, it might look all fine and tidy on paper, but if you ask me? It’s a straight shot toward fascism and total authoritarianism.
Plus, it’s not like we can just sit there and decide who qualifies as a "good" parent and who doesn't. That's just not how life works. Besides, one person could be an amazing parent to one kid and a complete disaster to another... for a million different reasons.

Look, it's not exactly easy to predict which career a kid will actually love and commit to for the rest of their life. But still... just imagine if we took all that money spent on fighter jets and other social nonsense and redirected it toward an educational system run by people who actually give a damn—psychologists, sociologists, etc.—who aren't just working for some massive corporate credit line. Imagine parents wanting actual training on how to raise kids, rather than just winging it, within a system that provides meaningful guidance. By the time these twenty-somethings hit that two-year mark after they can finally buy a beer, they might realize they weren't steered in the right direction. As for "fascism and totalitarianism"... maybe that's just the only rational fix for the whole "toxic parenting" mess caused by this broken idea of treating children like private property...

ironrider11 said:Look, it's not exactly easy to predict which career a kid will actually love and commit to for the rest of their life. But still... just imagine if we took all that money spent on fighter jets and other social nonsense and redirected it toward an educational system run by people who actually give a damn—psychologists, sociologists, etc.—who aren't just working for some massive corporate credit line. Imagine parents wanting actual training on how to raise kids, rather than just winging it, within a system that provides meaningful guidance. By the time these twenty-somethings hit that two-year mark after they can finally buy a beer, they might realize they weren't steered in the right direction. As for "fascism and totalitarianism"... maybe that's just the only rational fix for the whole "toxic parenting" mess caused by this broken idea of treating children like private property...

I don't know. Some of the best parents I've ever met are the ones who totally messed up at first. And quite often, the good parents are the young folks who don't make everything a huge drama and just live their lives.
Then you have the ones who were completely overwhelmed, and suddenly, overnight, those spoiled brats turn into incredibly dedicated parents.

I mean, in some perfect, utopian world where everything is accounted for and things work exactly like you described... sure, maybe. But that’s never gonna happen.

On the flip side, birth rates are tanking everywhere across the globe, so maybe none of this will even matter in the long run 😁.

George Ward2 said:Hey everyone,
I’m really hoping I can find someone here who might be able to offer some perspective or advice.
So, my partner and I have been together for five years now, and we've been living together for about a year.
We are truly in love and get along so well; he is such an incredible partner who helps me out with everything around the house, whether it's going for long walks or planning weekend trips, and I make sure to return the favor by handling the cooking and keeping our place tidy.
We both have steady careers and aren't worried about money at all.
The real issue is that I am genuinely terrified of motherhood, while he—though he hasn't said it directly yet—has been dropping hints that he wants kids someday, and since he's 38 and I'm 34, that "someday" feels like it needs to be right now or never.
I worry that I just won't have the patience or the stamina required to raise a child, and honestly, the thought of a child potentially having developmental issues scares me deeply; plus, looking at the state of the world today, I wouldn't even want to be born in this era, let alone bring a new life into it.
I know deep down he is the person I want to spend my life with because we are so happy together, but I think what we’re actually missing is honest, open communication, especially since in five years, we haven't even had a single real argument...
I also catch myself wondering if he truly wants to be a father or if he just feels pressured to do so because of what his friends and neighbors are doing...
He is also incredibly particular about how clean and organized our apartment stays, and I know that kind of lifestyle goes out the window once you have a kid, so I just don't want to go through with this unless I am absolutely certain I'm ready to be a mom.

You need to tell him exactly what you wrote in bold. Especially if he's only wanting kids because he thinks he's supposed to. That shouldn't be a reason to have a child.
Kids are a massive responsibility and a constant weight on your heart from the moment you conceive until the day you die. People will tell you they grow up fast, but that doesn't change the fact that you'll always be worrying about them, no matter how old they get or where they live.
There is no love quite like the love for your own child. Even when they drive you crazy, you'll forgive them in ways you'd never forgive anyone else... if anything happened to them, life would lose its meaning.
A lot of people take parenting lightly, but it is hands down the hardest job you'll ever have.
It sounds like you're in a really solid relationship, but I'm surprised you haven't talked about kids sooner. These are the kinds of things you need to hash out at the beginning—whether you want them or not.
If you aren't ready for everything that comes with it, it's better not to have them.
Besides, the world is definitely moving in the wrong direction, and there's no sign of it getting better...

jadeowl2 said:I don't know. Some of the best parents I've ever met are the ones who totally messed up at first. And quite often, the good parents are the young folks who don't make everything a huge drama and just live their lives.
Then you have the ones who were completely overwhelmed, and suddenly, overnight, those spoiled brats turn into incredibly dedicated parents.

I mean, in some perfect, utopian world where everything is accounted for and things work exactly like you described... sure, maybe. But that’s never gonna happen.

On the flip side, birth rates are tanking everywhere across the globe, so maybe none of this will even matter in the long run 😁.

Birth rates are dropping, microplastics are wrecking everything, lazy sperm cells are procrastinating on their jobs, and all these current and upcoming crises keep telling potential parents to just wait for things to "stabilize"... while eighteen-year-olds struggle to survive in poverty but are somehow still supposedly happy in their "nuclear family units." Meanwhile, the math doesn't lie—there aren't enough finite resources to go around to satisfy billions of hungry people...

In a world heading toward major wars, where superpowers will fight tooth and nail for total control over resources and prosperity under one global roof, obsessing over the politics of a single "test case" child makes zero sense. A smart leader needs plenty of cannon fodder to win a massive conflict between massive interests. Here in the States, we've got nothing to worry about. Our future—the future of our precious little "wealth" children—is totally secure. We're basically just a small territory that's always been owned by someone else...

Since we can't even come up with a basic plan ourselves because we export all our smart people, we just sit back and let whoever owns us tell us what to do and how to live... and of course, we listen. Being small, we just want to be part of a bigger, stronger family. We want a better tomorrow for our kids. We just hope the people planning our lives actually have decent plans for us. They say hope is the last thing to die. They say we should stay optimistic. They say nothing matters, not even something like the Holodomor... they say. They say life isn't planned, it's just lived impulsively or survived... they say. The main thing is just existing. "Go out there and multiply, fill the earth... with tumors!" Life is a miracle, they say...

George Ward2 said:Hey everyone,
I’m really hoping I can find someone here who might be able to offer some perspective or advice.
So, my partner and I have been together for five years now, and we've been living together for about a year.
We are truly in love and get along so well; he is such an incredible partner who helps me out with everything around the house, whether it's going for long walks or planning weekend trips, and I make sure to return the favor by handling the cooking and keeping our place tidy.
We both have steady careers and aren't worried about money at all.
The real issue is that I am genuinely terrified of motherhood, while he—though he hasn't said it directly yet—has been dropping hints that he wants kids someday, and since he's 38 and I'm 34, that "someday" feels like it needs to be right now or never.
I worry that I just won't have the patience or the stamina required to raise a child, and honestly, the thought of a child potentially having developmental issues scares me deeply; plus, looking at the state of the world today, I wouldn't even want to be born in this era, let alone bring a new life into it.
I know deep down he is the person I want to spend my life with because we are so happy together, but I think what we’re actually missing is honest, open communication, especially since in five years, we haven't even had a single real argument...
I also catch myself wondering if he truly wants to be a father or if he just feels pressured to do so because of what his friends and neighbors are doing...
He is also incredibly particular about how clean and organized our apartment stays, and I know that kind of lifestyle goes out the window once you have a kid, so I just don't want to go through with this unless I am absolutely certain I'm ready to be a mom.

Are you a dog?

Joseph Bailey41 said:Are you a dog?

So he’s obsessed with keeping his place spotless? A dog just isn't an option. No matter how much you scrub, animals are still animals. They're four-legged chaos agents. Sure, you can have a pet—a companion that’s trained enough to handle basic hygiene, maybe even one that helps out with cleaning or cooking... but honestly, that sounds more like something a total perfectionist would need. Love don't judge.

I honestly don't think anyone is ever truly ready for a kid—the big questions really just boil down to whether you even want children at all, and if you want them with this specific person.

Personally, I just don't see motherhood in my future. I'm not one of those women who would feel lost if motherhood never happened. To be honest, whenever I dwell on it, it mostly just brings up anxiety—I actually have these recurring nightmares about pregnancy. I've had a little taste of what being an aunt is like with my nieces, whom I absolutely adore, and I’d do anything for them—though I know that's not quite the same as doing it firsthand—but even then, I still don't see myself stepping into that role. It's not in my plans. There are plenty of reasons, some logical and some just... well, irrational. But I have left one tiny door open: if I happen to find "the one." Someone I could actually see as a soulmate and the father of my kids. With someone like that, I might actually consider starting a family and taking on that unpredictable journey.

So, you just have to figure out if you want kids, and if you want them with him. If the answer to either is "no," then honestly, the fairest thing for both of you is to see if you're actually heading in the same direction before deciding on your future together. If the answer is "yes," though, you can't ignore the biological clock—it's ticking for both of you, not just him.

If someone says they have absolutely zero doubts or fears about becoming a parent, something might be a little off. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain when facing such a massive life decision.

I had my own doubts from the moment I realized I wanted kids, especially since I was once dead set against having them. I didn't want to repeat the patterns I saw with my own parents or their predecessors.

Eventually, I realized I wasn't like them at all—actually, it's the opposite. I worry too much and care far too deeply.🕺 I guess after generations of family baggage, someone eventually breaks the cycle, one way or another.

The desire to leave something behind—both emotionally and through everything I build in my lifetime—has become bigger than the fear of "what if I fail as a parent?" I might not get everything right, but I'm going to give it my all. After all, what's the point of working hard, growing, building a home, and maturing if it all just vanishes when you pass away without anyone to pass it on to?