Can you actually choose who you fall in love with?

So, a friend of mine mentioned something the other day—apparently, he was reading this deep academic text that claimed you actually get to choose who you fall in love with, but you don't get a say in who you end up loving.
It sounds so backwards to me, honestly! I would have sworn the exact opposite was true. I can't quite recall the title of the book, but it was something along the lines of "An Introduction to the Psychology of *Something*" 😁
Do we have any psychologists hanging out in here who can help me make sense of this? hehe

So... I mean, here’s how I’m picturing it, I guess. You’d basically find someone who’s down to play around with their own neurochemistry—you know, messing with dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and all that good stuff—and while they’re doing that, they just happen to be hanging out with someone they actually want to fall for. After a little while, the brain starts making these intense connections between those massive hormonal surges and the person sitting right next to them. It’s basically just classic Pavlovian conditioning, right? 😁

And look, autosuggestion is a total blast, but honestly, I feel like only a tiny fraction of people can actually pull that off. This first method, though? It might actually work... maybe. 🤣

I don't know, man... but it would be pretty sweet if we could actually do that.

Is falling in love actually something we can control?
No way. We don't get a vote in who we fall for. Not the where, not the when, and definitely not the "why."

Interesting idea... honestly, I might actually be on board with it...

Professor Petar Turčinović once suggested that it might actually be possible to induce love within a laboratory setting.

I suppose I am currently on my third or perhaps even my fourth marriage, 🤷

Sophia Allen12 said:So, a friend of mine mentioned something the other day—apparently, he was reading this deep academic text that claimed you actually get to choose who you fall in love with, but you don't get a say in who you end up loving.
It sounds so backwards to me, honestly! I would have sworn the exact opposite was true. I can't quite recall the title of the book, but it was something along the lines of "An Introduction to the Psychology of *Something*" 😁
Do we have any psychologists hanging out in here who can help me make sense of this? hehe

Look, I haven't read that specific book, but honestly? It hits home for me.
When I love someone, it happens fast—and once it's there, it's permanent. No matter what kind of mess we make of things later, that feeling isn't going anywhere as long as I'm breathing.
Crushes, though? That's more like a biological itch than actual love. It's just a craving I can switch on or off when I need to—tried it a few times, works every time. 🙂

I find it hard to believe we even have a choice in this matter.

Loving someone... man, that’s just this unconditional, unprompted, totally pathological state of being🤷

But falling in love? That’s different. That’s self-induced, conditional, and basically begging for permission🤷

Of course it’s possible—a man with enough willpower can learn to love even a thick, pungent, hairy woman if he really tries hard enough.

I’d say you can't really pick one or the other... but if we're being honest, maybe you can nudge the direction of who you end up loving. I mean, love isn't just some lightning bolt that hits you out of nowhere in a single second, right? It takes time. So, you basically have to give yourself the space—the actual permission—to let those feelings grow. That's pretty much the only kind of control we actually have over the whole mess.

Honestly, I’d probably choose to be incapable of falling in love if I had the option. It never ends well for me when it comes to women. They’re all just trouble.

It’s quite a shame, really. Someone so young, gifted with such incredible potential, yet already carrying this much bitterness. 😢

I know two people who actually choose who they fall in love with... and frankly, they're incredibly cold...

Sure, at the start, you can pick who you want to go out with. You look at who’s more attractive or whose personality seems like a decent fit. But once you actually start building a connection—once someone starts to mean something to you—if you're still sitting there calculating things like you're picking out groceries at a Walmart, then you're just a cold person in my book.
To me, it’s much better to spend your life actually loving someone than spending your whole existence hunting for the one person who will love you back and keep you on a tight leash.

My point is, I think those kinds of people are pretty selfish. They don't really know how to love.

Sophia Allen12 said:So, a friend of mine mentioned something the other day—apparently, he was reading this deep academic text that claimed you actually get to choose who you fall in love with, but you don't get a say in who you end up loving.
It sounds so backwards to me, honestly! I would have sworn the exact opposite was true. I can't quite recall the title of the book, but it was something along the lines of "An Introduction to the Psychology of *Something*" 😁
Do we have any psychologists hanging out in here who can help me make sense of this? hehe

Falling in love isn't exactly something you can put under your control... but as for who you end up loving? Well, you might have a little more wiggle room there.🙂

Do you actually have an argument for that? Any logic at all? Because I’m just not seeing it... Maybe it's just a difference in terminology—to me, "infatuation" is that whole butterfly-in-your-stomach thing. It doesn't impact my life long-term, so there aren't really any consequences. Honestly, it makes me less cautious, which means I'm less picky. But "falling in love"... that happens once I actually get to know someone. At that point, I decide whether to fall or just walk away. Okay, I'm not exactly running statistical models on every potential partner—I mostly follow my heart—but I still make a choice. The third phase is deciding whether to spend a lifetime with them. That's when I start using my brain a bit more, since love isn't the only factor in the equation.

Sacreus, oh wise expert, please enlighten us... 🙂

Rebecca Scott3 said:Falling in love isn't exactly something you can put under your control... but as for who you end up loving? Well, you might have a little more wiggle room there.🙂

Short, sweet, and spot on.🙂

Sophia Allen12 said:So, a friend of mine mentioned something the other day—apparently, he was reading this deep academic text that claimed you actually get to choose who you fall in love with, but you don't get a say in who you end up loving.
It sounds so backwards to me, honestly! I would have sworn the exact opposite was true. I can't quite recall the title of the book, but it was something along the lines of "An Introduction to the Psychology of *Something*" 😁
Do we have any psychologists hanging out in here who can help me make sense of this? hehe

Look, if that were actually true, we wouldn't have half the messy breakups, broken hearts, divorces, or crime shows fueled by passion that we see every day...

but hey, that's just my two cents... ☕

Rebecca Scott3 said:Falling in love isn't exactly something you can put under your control... but as for who you end up loving? Well, you might have a little more wiggle room there.🙂

I find myself in complete agreement with this observation. Primarily, I would argue that infatuation is merely a fleeting state of being captivated by someone—or perhaps more accurately, by the idea of them. It occurs largely due to our internal, subconscious perceptions which, in a short window of time, effectively "cloud" our judgment and somewhat distort our rational thought processes. This could be explained in much greater detail from a biological standpoint, which is actually what Miss Dea touched upon at the beginning of our discussion.

Now, true love for another person requires a significantly longer duration. It involves a sustained period during which we consciously establish our own "criteria" and rationally shape our perception of the other individual. Ultimately, it is this deliberate process that allows us to sustain feelings of love over a long-term period.
While I believe that love can indeed cease after some time, this typically only happens if our internal "criteria" undergo a shift—specifically, if the image we hold of the person we loved changes or becomes disrupted (and I am certainly not referring to physical appearance here).
Thus, we arrive at the conclusion that "eternal love" can only exist if, during the initial stages of getting to know one another, we presented ourselves with an accurate image of the other person. In other words, did we truly "read" the character traits that attracted us? Or was all of it simply a byproduct of infatuation, causing us to overlook certain red flags early on, which eventually leads to disillusionment?

In essence, love is an abstract feeling that we construct by setting certain "conditions" under which we subconsciously accept another person into our lives. Because of this "subconscious" element, it lasts for a long duration; however, because of that same subconscious nature, the consequences of its end are far more profound. Infatuation, on the other hand, is purely biological in nature, influencing our psychological state temporarily, yet once that biological influence wanes, the feeling of infatuation also vanishes quite rapidly.

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Steven Carter74 said:I find myself in complete agreement with this observation. Primarily, I would argue that infatuation is merely a fleeting state of being captivated by someone—or perhaps more accurately, by the idea of them. It occurs largely due to our internal, subconscious perceptions which, in a short window of time, effectively "cloud" our judgment and somewhat distort our rational thought processes. This could be explained in much greater detail from a biological standpoint, which is actually what Miss Dea touched upon at the beginning of our discussion.

Now, true love for another person requires a significantly longer duration. It involves a sustained period during which we consciously establish our own "criteria" and rationally shape our perception of the other individual. Ultimately, it is this deliberate process that allows us to sustain feelings of love over a long-term period.
While I believe that love can indeed cease after some time, this typically only happens if our internal "criteria" undergo a shift—specifically, if the image we hold of the person we loved changes or becomes disrupted (and I am certainly not referring to physical appearance here).
Thus, we arrive at the conclusion that "eternal love" can only exist if, during the initial stages of getting to know one another, we presented ourselves with an accurate image of the other person. In other words, did we truly "read" the character traits that attracted us? Or was all of it simply a byproduct of infatuation, causing us to overlook certain red flags early on, which eventually leads to disillusionment?

In essence, love is an abstract feeling that we construct by setting certain "conditions" under which we subconsciously accept another person into our lives. Because of this "subconscious" element, it lasts for a long duration; however, because of that same subconscious nature, the consequences of its end are far more profound. Infatuation, on the other hand, is purely biological in nature, influencing our psychological state temporarily, yet once that biological influence wanes, the feeling of infatuation also vanishes quite rapidly.

👍

The idea of "eternal love" isn't just about the other person; it’s just as much about ourselves. You can lose that connection by misreading someone else, sure, but you can also lose it by losing sight of who you are, or simply because both people evolve in different directions over time.
It’s way more complicated than just whether or not we missed a few signs early on. I mean, let's be honest, we always miss something, and there's no way anyone can predict everything perfectly from the jump.