How to let go of resentment and move past being hurt?

Sean Doyle4 said:When that bitterness starts creeping in, I try reading articles online about letting go. Like this one. It works sometimes, but not always. It passes, but then it just keeps coming back. Especially points 1 and 7. Point one because it’s true, and that’s just not fucking fair. I don't actually want anything bad to happen to him—in fact, I wish him the best—except for those moments when the bitterness takes over and I find myself wanting revenge. I don't want that, and I can't seem to shake it, which feels unfair in itself. I just want to be done with the whole thing and forget it ever happened. And point 7, because my own issues constantly drag the whole story back to the surface. How do you get rid of it all so it stops coming back?

It has always been this way and it always will be. We all have a bit of selfishness inside us that eventually floats to the surface. You can't fight that. I don't see where this resentment and dwelling is going to lead you. Take this as advice. I used to struggle with this constantly until I finally realized that if you give too much of yourself, even Mother Teresa would end up being taken advantage of. So, the first thing I did was head down to the local CVS, grab two packs of beer (I can handle my liquor) and some cigarettes, sat down at home, and looked at everything from an objective perspective. I'm not saying you shouldn't help anyone, but if you realize someone has selfish motives—which is easy to spot—don't enter into a relationship with them if you expect them to stand by you during the bad times. Don't be the one always reaching out if you know you want support in return. If they actually listen to you, then you know they aren't just looking out for themselves and might actually look out for you too.

Sean Doyle4 said:Thanks. In a way, I don't even blame him—well, I’m factoring in mitigating circumstances, because saying he isn't responsible would basically negate free will, which is a big theme in this one book I read. He was deceiving himself quite a bit, too, and he's naturally selfish. Honestly, we all are, but he just took it to another level. Still, I find myself swinging between flashes of rage and bitterness. I'm not even sure what I'm actually mad at—the situation, the whole saga, why things had to go down this way, or why my own problems won't just resolve themselves.

I’ve been exactly where you are, and I hear you loud and clear.
You end up being angry at yourself—angry because you let it happen, because you put your faith in someone who didn't deserve it, because you felt weak, because your judgment was off, or because you trusted another person more than you trusted your own gut...

That desperate urge to have him notice you now, or to hear him offer an apology? That’s really just a craving for someone to finally say, "It wasn't your fault; it was mine." But honestly, someone like him isn't capable of giving you that closure. You don't need it from him. Be stronger than that. Find that inner grit. The more headspace you give him, the more power you're handing over to him on a silver platter.

He is his own person. He lives his life however he chooses.
If he has no conscience—that's his problem.
If he’s selfish—that's his problem.
If he lacks a heart—that's his problem.
If he doesn't return the kindness he receives—that's his problem.
If he isn't a decent human being—that's his problem.
If he managed to deceive you in any way—that's his problem.

You have nothing to do with his character flaws, and you come out of this whole ordeal with your integrity intact. He can only hurt you if you grant him permission to do so. And seriously, who is he to you, anyway? Don't blame yourself for being a decent person toward someone who clearly isn't.
Karma always catches up; everything comes full circle. One day, it’ll hit him. Whether it takes five days or five years, when he eventually needs someone to lean on, he’s going to find himself completely alone. And trust me, it’ll hit him harder than it’s hitting you right now, because he’s spent his whole life learning how to take without ever knowing how to give, and he won't have anything left to offer when the chips are down.

He is who he is.
You are who you are.
Don't let a bad person influence your spirit or change who you are. He is exactly what he seems—a bad person who is perfectly happy being alone as long as things are going his way, and someone who thinks of nobody but himself unless he needs something. Just a selfish little soul and a total emotional vampire.
I wish him luck, but I hope he stays far away from you.

And listen, not everyone is like this. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they are, and please, don't shut yourself off from the world. Life has a way of balancing the scales. You might get burned by the very people you helped, and they might hurt you most if you let them, but one day, someone entirely new will walk into your life—someone who actually understands your value because they possess the same kind of heart you do. 👍
This guy is a bottom-feeder who deserves absolutely nothing—not even a second of your anger. You're torturing yourself, not him. He isn't worth the energy.

Even the best intentions can lead straight to hell...

....

Every relationship we enter carries the inherent risk that things won't pan out quite the way we envisioned. Life is really just a messy collection of various experiences... It is vital to remain centered in every moment, maintaining trust in yourself and feeling at peace with your own actions. Rise above the chaos and simply forgive. Continue being a friend—a truly good one—because eventually, others will see the truth for themselves, and that is the ultimate reckoning. Once that happens, you won't even care anymore. Just forgive.

What’s up!

You seem like such a kind soul, and I really believe you should channel all that empathy into something positive instead of letting yourself get bogged down by bitterness or thoughts of revenge. Honestly, even if you did manage to get even, it wouldn't actually make you happy—it would probably just leave you feeling more drained than you already do. I truly think you should find a way to forgive him. After all, you helped him without expecting anything in return, right? If you just keep giving from the heart, you'll always find there's plenty of love to go around.

Sandra Parker3 said:What other issues are you dealing with besides the extra pounds?
Point 7 is just plain stupid if you ask me; keep talking until you’re practically gagging on it, then maybe you'll finally accept that everything is temporary and doesn't matter that much. I'm talking about what lies beyond. You've got plenty of smarter things to focus on in life than some idiot who passed you by in a heartbeat.
Hey, how about using this smiley instead of a furious one:
..... works for me

Clinical depression.

Sandra Parker3 said:What other issues are you dealing with besides the extra pounds?
Point 7 is just plain stupid if you ask me; keep talking until you’re practically gagging on it, then maybe you'll finally accept that everything is temporary and doesn't matter that much. I'm talking about what lies beyond. You've got plenty of smarter things to focus on in life than some idiot who passed you by in a heartbeat.
Hey, how about using this smiley instead of a furious one:
..... works for me

It’s true in a way, but not entirely. Once those thoughts start creeping in, you've got to get them out. Still, it's better to avoid them if you can—fight them off before they drag you down into a dark place.

Sandra Parker3 said:What other issues are you dealing with besides the extra pounds?
Point 7 is just plain stupid if you ask me; keep talking until you’re practically gagging on it, then maybe you'll finally accept that everything is temporary and doesn't matter that much. I'm talking about what lies beyond. You've got plenty of smarter things to focus on in life than some idiot who passed you by in a heartbeat.
Hey, how about using this smiley instead of a furious one:
..... works for me

You really had me laughing with that one. Thanks. 🙂

Jerry Martinez5 said:But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

I think I made my point pretty clear about what happened and why I call it a scam. He promised to help me out as a friend, but it turns out he was just looking out for himself the whole time.

Jerry Martinez5 said:But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

I thought I already laid out the timeline clearly enough. But fine, let me try this again:

I stepped in when he needed someone to talk to. Not that I was playing saint—we just frequented the same online circles, he liked my writing, and he needed an ear. We traded a few dozen emails over time. It wasn't about seeking anything out, but when you feel like someone needs to be heard, you listen.
He managed to crawl out of that mess by claiming he fell in love.
I turned him down. I knew he wasn't actually in love with me since he barely knows who I am. It was pretty one-sided—I felt like I knew him way better than he knew me.
He kept hitting me up even after I turned him down several times. It dragged on for months. He kept insisting he wasn't looking for anything romantic anymore—just friends.
I finally took him up on that "friendly" offer.
I'm screwed.

It isn't even about wanting to be with him. It's just that I feel hurt, and I want to move past it. This whole thread should really be called "how to forgive," because what I'm getting at is perfectly captured in this quote from Catherine Pond:

"Holding onto a grudge creates an emotional bond tighter than steel. If you want to break free, forgiveness is the only way out." Catherine Pond

Jerry Martinez5 said:But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

He lied. Plain and simple. He definitely lied to me—and whether he lied to himself is a different story. What you wrote here is exactly what bugs me about the whole thing. It’s more accurate to say he was offering "help" only because he thought I had something he wanted. He didn't hesitate to play dirty just to get his way, as long as he thought there was something in it for him. I needed a friend, and he sensed that vulnerability, so he used it as leverage. That’s the real issue. It wasn't just a transaction; it was a dishonest one that preyed on someone in need. He just wasn't man enough to be an actual friend. Am I really the last sucker left who actually believes in sincerity and basic humanity? Then again, I wonder if he truly understood his own motives at the time—or if he still does. That’s its own kind of frustration.

Jerry Martinez5 said:But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

We were Write-in (on and off) for a year and a half before we finally met in person. I know more about him than some of my best girlfriends, and he knows just as much about me.

Jerry Martinez5 said:But why do you feel used and cheated? Who actually cheated whom here?

You wrote:

- That you stepped in to help him on your own initiative when he was in trouble.
- That he was circling you, and you turned him down. While he was circling, he "offered help," but what did that even mean?

And now you want to be with him, but he won't have it.

I don't see what's unfair about that. Did you expect to be able to reject him, keep him on ice, and then call him back whenever you felt like it, only to find out that isn't how it works?

He "offered help" hoping to get something from you that you weren't willing to give. He "offered" while he was hoping to score.

If this were some lifelong friendship, I might understand. But here, I think you're just bitter and disappointed about something else entirely. Is it common for people to let you down like this? Does this pattern of feeling "used and cheated" happen to you often?

Nah. It’s rare that people actually need anything from me enough to bother lying. And even more rarely am I ever in a position where being deceived would actually hurt. Besides, why would I ignore my gut? My intuition is solid. I only mess up when I stop listening to it.

urbangardener35 said:Wait, let me get this straight... this guy hit on you but you KNEW it wasn't real, so you brushed him off for a while... then in the meantime, you gained some weight and decided to go looking for support from this guy (because he has "experience" 🤣), but then he blew you off, and now you're hurt and wanting payback.
Diagnosis: Your ego is just a little too big, that's all 😁 . This guy isn't the bad guy here.

What’s the big deal? He needed someone to listen, so I listened. Through the whole process, I actually got to know him better than he knew me. I was fully aware of how little he really knew about who I am.

urbangardener35 said:Wait, let me get this straight... this guy hit on you but you KNEW it wasn't real, so you brushed him off for a while... then in the meantime, you gained some weight and decided to go looking for support from this guy (because he has "experience" 🤣), but then he blew you off, and now you're hurt and wanting payback.
Diagnosis: Your ego is just a little too big, that's all 😁 . This guy isn't the bad guy here.

I didn't just gain weight recently; I've always struggled with it. Specifically, I put on a lot over the last two or three years due to intense stress, which led to the depression I'm dealing with now. I've always been on the heavier side, and when I'm stressed, I tend to binge on sweets. He knew that. He just didn't realize the scale of it. 😈

urbangardener35 said:Wait, let me get this straight... this guy hit on you but you KNEW it wasn't real, so you brushed him off for a while... then in the meantime, you gained some weight and decided to go looking for support from this guy (because he has "experience" 🤣), but then he blew you off, and now you're hurt and wanting payback.
Diagnosis: Your ego is just a little too big, that's all 😁 . This guy isn't the bad guy here.

One reason I even started talking to him was because he knows his way around philosophy, and people struggling with depression often feel a sense of nihilism. But I didn't really take advantage of that, since he was going through his own stuff—most of our messages were just me listening to him. I hoped we could finally talk about what actually interests me once his problems were sorted and he wasn't so "in love."

urbangardener35 said:Wait, let me get this straight... this guy hit on you but you KNEW it wasn't real, so you brushed him off for a while... then in the meantime, you gained some weight and decided to go looking for support from this guy (because he has "experience" 🤣), but then he blew you off, and now you're hurt and wanting payback.
Diagnosis: Your ego is just a little too big, that's all 😁 . This guy isn't the bad guy here.

Could be.

Jerry Martinez5 said:I don't think he turned her down because she gained weight. It’s more likely he just rejected her after she blew him off back when he was actually head over heels for her. She didn't give a damn about his feelings then, so I guess I don't see why he'd be obligated to cater to her whims now.

?! What a wild theory. This guy kept hitting me up for three months after I turned him down, and we kept talking pretty regularly for another two months before we finally met up. Then, suddenly, he loses all interest right after the date. No, this isn't about my looks—it's about his bruised ego from being rejected. Anything else but that...

Walter Myers4 said:Scrawny 🤷

It won't fix this specific issue, but I'm working on it. Mostly for my health and so my clothes actually fit.

Sandra Parker3 said:Nah, not really. Honestly, the only part I took issue with was her saying it would be "for a while." 🤣
I mean, she probably meant "until he gets his act together, sorts out his mess, and processes everything," so she could eventually tell him straight up that she isn't looking for romance—just friendship and being there for him. 😢
But let’s be real... 😲
yeah, right.

It seems like you have the best handle on this. Honestly, he would've had those issues sorted by now anyway.

George Smith2 said:I’ve been exactly where you are, and I hear you loud and clear.
You end up being angry at yourself—angry because you let it happen, because you put your faith in someone who didn't deserve it, because you felt weak, because your judgment was off, or because you trusted another person more than you trusted your own gut...

That desperate urge to have him notice you now, or to hear him offer an apology? That’s really just a craving for someone to finally say, "It wasn't your fault; it was mine." But honestly, someone like him isn't capable of giving you that closure. You don't need it from him. Be stronger than that. Find that inner grit. The more headspace you give him, the more power you're handing over to him on a silver platter.

He is his own person. He lives his life however he chooses.
If he has no conscience—that's his problem.
If he’s selfish—that's his problem.
If he lacks a heart—that's his problem.
If he doesn't return the kindness he receives—that's his problem.
If he isn't a decent human being—that's his problem.
If he managed to deceive you in any way—that's his problem.

You have nothing to do with his character flaws, and you come out of this whole ordeal with your integrity intact. He can only hurt you if you grant him permission to do so. And seriously, who is he to you, anyway? Don't blame yourself for being a decent person toward someone who clearly isn't.
Karma always catches up; everything comes full circle. One day, it’ll hit him. Whether it takes five days or five years, when he eventually needs someone to lean on, he’s going to find himself completely alone. And trust me, it’ll hit him harder than it’s hitting you right now, because he’s spent his whole life learning how to take without ever knowing how to give, and he won't have anything left to offer when the chips are down.

He is who he is.
You are who you are.
Don't let a bad person influence your spirit or change who you are. He is exactly what he seems—a bad person who is perfectly happy being alone as long as things are going his way, and someone who thinks of nobody but himself unless he needs something. Just a selfish little soul and a total emotional vampire.
I wish him luck, but I hope he stays far away from you.

And listen, not everyone is like this. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they are, and please, don't shut yourself off from the world. Life has a way of balancing the scales. You might get burned by the very people you helped, and they might hurt you most if you let them, but one day, someone entirely new will walk into your life—someone who actually understands your value because they possess the same kind of heart you do. 👍
This guy is a bottom-feeder who deserves absolutely nothing—not even a second of your anger. You're torturing yourself, not him. He isn't worth the energy.

I wouldn't put it quite that harshly, but yeah—he's selfish. He just doesn't have much empathy for other people or what they need. It's not even intentional, really; he's just built that way.

restlessnomad12 said:Every relationship we enter carries the inherent risk that things won't pan out quite the way we envisioned. Life is really just a messy collection of various experiences... It is vital to remain centered in every moment, maintaining trust in yourself and feeling at peace with your own actions. Rise above the chaos and simply forgive. Continue being a friend—a truly good one—because eventually, others will see the truth for themselves, and that is the ultimate reckoning. Once that happens, you won't even care anymore. Just forgive.

Exactly, that's the point. But how? That’s the whole question—how do you actually forgive? How do you let go of the whole thing and just move on?

bluehawk232 said:You seem like such a kind soul, and I really believe you should channel all that empathy into something positive instead of letting yourself get bogged down by bitterness or thoughts of revenge. Honestly, even if you did manage to get even, it wouldn't actually make you happy—it would probably just leave you feeling more drained than you already do. I truly think you should find a way to forgive him. After all, you helped him without expecting anything in return, right? If you just keep giving from the heart, you'll always find there's plenty of love to go around.

I know... Holding onto that darkness isn't healthy. Burying yourself in the hurt doesn't help either. It's just hard to let go when everything already hurts so much. Not sure what I'm looking for here. I've read plenty of threads on how to move on, but it hasn't quite clicked yet. I just want to leave it all behind.