How do you stay a good person in a broken world?

James Allen2 said:Kimberly Evans, feralheron17, thanks for the cynicism, and I apologize for crashing so aggressively into your space. To mistybison and the rest of you, I appreciate the replies. In principle, I was hoping to find someone who operates like I do—someone driven by the philosophy of manifesting their own reality through the law of attraction, mastering their thoughts and desires to shape their lives, so that I might receive an answer rooted in actual lived experience. But it seems most people on this forum view spirituality through the lens of religious dogma, a concept I discarded long ago, which means I’ll likely have to look for answers elsewhere. One thing is certain: I won't be finding them under 'Lonely Hearts'.👎

You sure are polite and sensitive, aren't you? Just like a princess sitting on a pea.
Look, my name isn't Bond, James Bond. And just because I believe in certain things doesn't mean they're public knowledge. My beliefs are private. They don't have much to do with this "general spirituality" nonsense.
How much of an alcoholic [I don't recall anyone mentioning alcoholism here?!] or how desperate for love you actually were when you decided to post in the spirituality section is something you should figure out for yourself.
And don't even get me started on the cynicism and that fake sense of humor.
😂

James Allen2 said:I’m posting this under 'Spirituality' in the hopes of finding some clarity, though I’m feeling incredibly lost right now. We’re told we shape our own lives through our intentions and that we need to understand our true desires, but how is one supposed to penetrate that dense, complex subconscious where all these hidden impulses live? This is about my love life. I realized recently that I have never actually entered a relationship because I was genuinely in love; it’s always been driven by either loneliness or a few too many drinks at a bar. While some of those connections eventually turned into something meaningful, I find myself alone once again. What I truly crave—something I’ve never actually experienced—is that overwhelming, maddening rush of falling in love, that visceral pull toward someone, and finally building a life together. It seems so simple, yet why is it so difficult? Why can't I just wish for mutual feelings without all this internal warfare? Some people seem to navigate this effortlessly, falling in love and finding themselves perfectly in sync with someone who feels the exact same way without even trying. And here I am, falling hard all over again. It isn't even a matter of bad timing this time, but there is a massive "but" standing in my way. Our circumstances are different, and I feel completely paralyzed, unable to reach out and tell this person how I feel. Why does life insist on presenting me with these impossible scenarios? I try to maintain a positive outlook and I still allow myself to dream, but lately, the confusion is just overwhelming. I honestly don't know what to do.

I don't know how old you are, but between the ages of 18 and 21, so many—and I mean so many—women start locking their hearts away.

Before that happens, they usually go through one or two major heartbreaks, and after that, they just won't let anyone fully in anymore.... Love only ever touches the edges of who they are, because they never quite surrender themselves to anyone. So, they need a little bit of alcohol to loosen up just to feel anything at all. Or maybe they settle for a long-distance romance where they can adore someone from afar without ever having to take a real risk....

But the desire stays there, unfortunately, and just as an American man wouldn't feel much like a man without his mustache, a woman isn't really herself without love; love is the very core of a woman's being, and if she loses the ability to love, she becomes nothing more than an empty shell—

So she chooses a safer kind of love from a distance,
and she longs for someone
while simultaneously being
completely blocked from making it happen.

She enters into relationships where she knows she won't feel anything
because feelings are dangerous.
Opening up always means
the possibility of being wounded
by the very person we let inside....

How do you break out of that cycle?

You don't...
The heart is simply designed
in a way that makes it vulnerable to everything,
and if you’re going to dive into love,
you have to be prepared for the pain, too...

Or you just keep your heart locked tight for safety....

The only problem is that such a heart won't know joy, or excitement, or ecstasy, or happiness either.....

James Allen2 said:

True agency over one's life stems from mastering your own desires, emotions, and impulses. So, if you aren't finding answers in spirituality regarding how to handle a "good guy," perhaps it's because true spirituality actually begins at the exact moment men stop being predictable.

If we swapped out the word 'men' for the word 'love' (which is what I’m actually thinking about), would you still hold the same opinion?

Yes.

Spirituality, whether through practice or just through philosophy and ideas, is always about transcendence. You don't solve the problems you had as a kid; you outgrow them. Human struggles aren't solved; they are transcended. If spirituality can even be defined, it’s about rising above your current state, not trying to satisfy material cravings—even if those cravings offer temporary relief. Even methods that lean toward manipulating your surroundings—think more "warrior" styles of spirituality, magic, or tantra—ultimately aim for transcendence in their purest form. Anything else is just a step backward. What you're looking for might be presented beautifully with lofty terms, but it’s just seeking satisfaction in a passing world. That isn't what spiritual traditions are actually about. Some people ignore these things, some accept them as relative values without getting obsessed, and others try to gain deeper understanding by experiencing the world firsthand. But practically speaking, every tradition tries to move beyond the physical. Using the world to fulfill lower desires falls more under the category of magical practice rather than pure spiritual insight. Even that can make sense once you've matured enough through life experience to realize there's no real substance there, leading you to let go of those desires in favor of something lasting. On its own, that isn't the point of spiritual practice. Trying to reshape your life based on spiritual influence before you're ready is more like something a backyard witch would do. 😁
On the other hand, most spiritual traditions have principles that regulate your external life. But that only makes sense when the focus remains on the transcendental, not the other way around. The goal isn't to use spirituality to get stuff; it's to organize your outer life so it provides a better framework for your inner growth.

It feels like you're looking for a magic wand for external problems, like an Aladdin's lamp... maybe I misunderstood. But that's not how it works. Or does it? ... 🤔

What is truly more spiritual or more humane: abandoning everything to elevate your mind toward some transcendental peak, or staying grounded among the friends, parents, and children who actually populate your life? What about the people who rely on your presence, your affection, and your loyalty? Could you honestly claim to possess any real wisdom if you lived your entire life without ever having known the warmth of being loved or raised by others?
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by so many megalomaniacs preaching spirituality, completely oblivious to the fact that since they were born into this modern era of digital noise and relentless materialism, their supposed "earthly enlightenment" likely hasn't even begun to approach the level they imagine it has.
I’m not looking to attack anyone here—I don't know you all—I am simply stating my perspective and wondering where you stand on it.

Look, you seem to view spirituality as whatever fits your current mood. But by turning this into a discussion about lonely sca, parenting tips, or pet care, you’re just diluting the whole point of this thread. To me, that’s actually the opposite of being spiritual. It’s just getting caught up in the temporary stuff and distracting the mind with unnecessary nonsense. 😁

James Allen2
Quincy:

But honestly, it feels like most people on this sub think spirituality is just some subset of religious doctrine. I checked out of that whole scene a long time ago, so I guess I’ll have to go looking for answers somewhere else.

Dear James Allen2, it’s usually much easier for us to communicate when we don't have to admit how little we actually know about certain topics, right? But reading through your posts and questions, I get the impression you might still be a bit in the dark regarding organized religion—even if you say you've already written it off. If you're looking for answers to life's big questions, wouldn't you find more useful insights in a psychology textbook or by talking to a relationship counselor? Not that it matters, you're here now, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you aren't an expert on theology. It's perfectly fine to say that based on what you *do* know, you just don't see any value in searching for life's answers within religious frameworks. Am I reading you right? Or am I missing the point of your stance on religious teachings? You see, spirituality isn't inherently tied to religious dogma; if you truly reject all formal doctrines, then even "spiritual" advice might not resonate with you much. 🙂

feralheron17 said:mistybison made an excellent point. My response—which you probably could have gathered—wasn't an attempt to push back against her observation at all. It was just advice for the lady, or miss, or whatever, who actually started this thread.
That whole "road to hell" thing might apply to my own life, but when I'm giving someone else advice, it doesn't. 😉
First off, mistybison was doing a great job trying to give this topic some spiritual breathing room. She let a decent moderator like casualtiger2 allow a thread about an alcoholic looking for love to drift into spirituality, even though there isn't any actual connection there.
Second, whether this confession is real or fiction, it would drive anyone crazy if they kept going down this path: if an alcoholic doesn't make the first move: a) there's a chance they've already been written off because people found out—directly or indirectly—that their behavior isn't exactly normal; b) if the alcoholic doesn't approach someone, they'll never know if that person is also an alcoholic, recovering or not. They might stumble onto someone similar and actually build something from that shared experience; c) studies show that long-term, heavy-duty alcoholics—specifically men—create a parallel world where they are often way more timid than women, whether those women are sober or not; d) approaching someone isn't the end of the world. Your "string" won't snap, nor will theirs, provided you're polite, pleasant, and don't stomp on anyone else's freedom; e) maybe you'll run into a spiritual person who can actually show you the way out of this mess. 😉
Why don't people who engage in extreme sports, lead insane cults, or live with chronic vices snap under tension?
One answer is that life moves faster now than it used to, but that's a cliché. Let's just say everyone gets their karma, as the indijac would say.
So, stop playing philosopher and start contributing constructively to the discussion.
Like how mistybison did...
🙂
That's where the line between imagination and reality sits: my insignificance might allow me to start a forum thread about spirituality to get better answers, but if the topic has nothing to do with spirituality, getting a real answer is going to be damn near impossible.
👍

I won't even bother commenting on that analogy about the alcoholics—it’s weak. Besides, this isn't exactly an answer either.

Everyone would be driving a Formula 1 car until they hit 65 if the chassis wouldn't snap, but you drive a standard sedan until you're 85. 😁

And where exactly did you meet this old guy with the "long-term heroin addiction"? 🤔

Quincy:

Look, there’s no point in just sitting here playing critic. If you want to say something, actually contribute something useful to the conversation.

I agree. 🙏

Quincy:

That’s where the line between imagination and reality blurs. I might start a thread about spirituality just hoping to trigger a better conversation, but if the topic has nothing to do with the soul, don't expect anyone to give me a real answer.

casualtiger2 hit the nail on the head when he said, "Why shouldn't anyone—man, woman, or kid—try seeking spiritual guidance for their problems?"
Why should every thread with similar content be dumped into Psychology?

Think about that for a second. 😉

James Allen2 said:What is truly more spiritual or more humane: abandoning everything to elevate your mind toward some transcendental peak, or staying grounded among the friends, parents, and children who actually populate your life? What about the people who rely on your presence, your affection, and your loyalty? Could you honestly claim to possess any real wisdom if you lived your entire life without ever having known the warmth of being loved or raised by others?
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by so many megalomaniacs preaching spirituality, completely oblivious to the fact that since they were born into this modern era of digital noise and relentless materialism, their supposed "earthly enlightenment" likely hasn't even begun to approach the level they imagine it has.
I’m not looking to attack anyone here—I don't know you all—I am simply stating my perspective and wondering where you stand on it.

To me, this sounds a bit like an attack (or just a general judgment) against philosophers who are just spinning empty wheels and spiritualists who are selling smoke. Since many of us have dealt with that kind of attitude before—often much harsher—it shouldn't be a surprise when people respond with a little sarcasm or cynicism right out of the gate.
It also feels a bit like a "I'll ask, but I already know the answer" situation. I think a lot of people deceive themselves that way—hoping that if they just push hard enough for a long enough time, they can achieve something "their way" (which, let's face it, might be impossible) instead of actually trying to shift their perspective.

On the bright side, you kept the conversation going normally, which is already a huge plus (honestly, lately there's been a surge of clones just wasting everyone's time), so maybe we'll actually reach some kind of conclusion.

I find the posts from Maleficent, nimblemaker3, and bluemason3 to be very substantial, both theoretically and in terms of practical application.

The question of transcendence isn't about megalomania or a lack of humanity; it really is one of the most vital questions in spirituality.
~ "Seek first the kingdom of heaven, and all these things will be added to you" and
~ "The kingdom of heaven is within you"

While many interpret that as a total rejection of the material world, the spiritual path I follow (tantric) doesn't ignore any aspect of human existence.
Desires aren't suppressed, crushed, or cast aside. They just get the place they deserve in a person's life. Nothing more, nothing less. And that goes for physical and mental needs too. But even then, the idea remains to "seek the kingdom of heaven first"—that need to distinguish the essential from the trivial, the permanent from the fleeting... as the Indians would say.
And without getting attached to them (vairagya).
Being centered in oneself and knowing who you are isn't a matter of ideology, philosophy, religion, or psychology—it's a matter of direct experience (though all those things can certainly help). And that requires grueling, daily work and introspection. There are no shortcuts, no magic wands, and no easy fixes.

Now, certain seeds have existed for thousands of years, but you could always say—for whatever reason—that you don't like those solutions.
Then it's on you to come up with a better one.
So, what would the ideal answer to your question look like to you?
Based on what theory or practice?
And why haven't you been able to achieve what you want so far? Where do you think it's stalling?

PS
"Lord, grant me the patience to endure
what I cannot change,
give me the strength to change
what I can change,
and
the wisdom to tell the difference."

casualtiger2 said:To me, this sounds a bit like an attack (or just a general judgment) against philosophers who are just spinning empty wheels and spiritualists who are selling smoke. Since many of us have dealt with that kind of attitude before—often much harsher—it shouldn't be a surprise when people respond with a little sarcasm or cynicism right out of the gate.
It also feels a bit like a "I'll ask, but I already know the answer" situation. I think a lot of people deceive themselves that way—hoping that if they just push hard enough for a long enough time, they can achieve something "their way" (which, let's face it, might be impossible) instead of actually trying to shift their perspective.

On the bright side, you kept the conversation going normally, which is already a huge plus (honestly, lately there's been a surge of clones just wasting everyone's time), so maybe we'll actually reach some kind of conclusion.

I find the posts from Maleficent, nimblemaker3, and bluemason3 to be very substantial, both theoretically and in terms of practical application.

The question of transcendence isn't about megalomania or a lack of humanity; it really is one of the most vital questions in spirituality.
~ "Seek first the kingdom of heaven, and all these things will be added to you" and
~ "The kingdom of heaven is within you"

While many interpret that as a total rejection of the material world, the spiritual path I follow (tantric) doesn't ignore any aspect of human existence.
Desires aren't suppressed, crushed, or cast aside. They just get the place they deserve in a person's life. Nothing more, nothing less. And that goes for physical and mental needs too. But even then, the idea remains to "seek the kingdom of heaven first"—that need to distinguish the essential from the trivial, the permanent from the fleeting... as the Indians would say.
And without getting attached to them (vairagya).
Being centered in oneself and knowing who you are isn't a matter of ideology, philosophy, religion, or psychology—it's a matter of direct experience (though all those things can certainly help). And that requires grueling, daily work and introspection. There are no shortcuts, no magic wands, and no easy fixes.

Now, certain seeds have existed for thousands of years, but you could always say—for whatever reason—that you don't like those solutions.
Then it's on you to come up with a better one.
So, what would the ideal answer to your question look like to you?
Based on what theory or practice?
And why haven't you been able to achieve what you want so far? Where do you think it's stalling?

PS
"Lord, grant me the patience to endure
what I cannot change,
give me the strength to change
what I can change,
and
the wisdom to tell the difference."

Oh, dear casualtiger2, there absolutely are! One such way actually transcends most spiritual traditions and their typical practices. Unfortunately, that specific method is strictly forbidden in Western civilization.

There are methods created by men, and then there are the paths provided by God to make our return and reunification much smoother. With God, the process is effortless, whereas human systems make it incredibly difficult. Now, my dear casualtiger2, if you really want to know why people insist on making it so hard... just ask yourself why.

I think the title pretty much
says it all.
I didn't want to drop this thread over on lonely sca
because I seriously doubt anyone there would actually have an answer for me.

Here’s my issue: loneliness. Pure, unadulterated solitude.
Some people would probably just say, "Hey, go find a girlfriend" or "Hang out with your buddies more."
But that’s not what I’m getting at here.
Look, I get it—humans are social creatures, blah blah blah, marriage, community, whatever.

What I actually want to know is if there's some kind of alternative way to deal with
or at least take the edge off this feeling of being alone.

Are we talking specific prayers, mantras, or meditation techniques?
How do those desert hermits or monks pull it off?

placidcrane61 said:I think the title pretty much
says it all.
I didn't want to drop this thread over on lonely sca
because I seriously doubt anyone there would actually have an answer for me.

Here’s my issue: loneliness. Pure, unadulterated solitude.
Some people would probably just say, "Hey, go find a girlfriend" or "Hang out with your buddies more."
But that’s not what I’m getting at here.
Look, I get it—humans are social creatures, blah blah blah, marriage, community, whatever.

What I actually want to know is if there's some kind of alternative way to deal with
or at least take the edge off this feeling of being alone.

Are we talking specific prayers, mantras, or meditation techniques?
How do those desert hermits or monks pull it off?

And tell me, how do you feel when you are out in nature?

hiddenhound3 said:And tell me, how do you feel when you are out in nature?

A little better, 🙂but not exactly great.
It’s like all that scenery is just shouting at me: "Hey, relax."

But now it's winter. I'm basically stuck indoors most of the time.
Between home and work, the anxiety, depression, and rage just take turns hitting me
in waves.
I need to find some kind of therapy or I'm going to lose my mind.
And I've got my whole life ahead of me. 😢

placidcrane61 said:A little better, 🙂but not exactly great.
It’s like all that scenery is just shouting at me: "Hey, relax."

But now it's winter. I'm basically stuck indoors most of the time.
Between home and work, the anxiety, depression, and rage just take turns hitting me
in waves.
I need to find some kind of therapy or I'm going to lose my mind.
And I've got my whole life ahead of me. 😢

One should wander through the wilderness—the more extreme the conditions, the better. Whether it be through the biting cold or the deepest shadows, nothing offers solace in solitude quite like the great American outdoors.🙂

Quincy:

I don't know what to tell you. Florine is just... Florine. There’s no point in dancing around it. Some people just have that energy, and frankly, I'm too tired to deal with it today. It is what it is. James Allen2 says: Get out there and wander through the wild. Go extreme. Seek out the freezing cold, trek through the pitch black—whatever it takes. Honestly, nothing cures loneliness quite like the great outdoors. 🙂

Alright. I'll give it a shot.
Maybe I’ll just head out into the wilderness and disappear. Get as far away from civilization as possible. Just vanish. 🙂
And what about all that meditation, tantra, and mantra stuff? All that spiritual fluff people swear by?
Honestly, I wish I could just mutter some magic word and make all this nonsense disappear. Just one little spell and boom—problem solved. Life would be a hell of a lot easier if that were actually an option.
I don't know about you, but I’m feeling a bit better after getting that tax filing done. Honestly, just glad that's over with. 🙂
I'm just messing with you guys. Mostly.
Anyone else dealing with this same mess? Or am I just out here fighting this battle alone?
Someone needs to tell me how she actually deals with him. Seriously.

placidcrane61 said:Quincy:

I don't know what to tell you. Florine is just... Florine. There’s no point in dancing around it. Some people just have that energy, and frankly, I'm too tired to deal with it today. It is what it is. James Allen2 says: Get out there and wander through the wild. Go extreme. Seek out the freezing cold, trek through the pitch black—whatever it takes. Honestly, nothing cures loneliness quite like the great outdoors. 🙂

Alright. I'll give it a shot.
Maybe I’ll just head out into the wilderness and disappear. Get as far away from civilization as possible. Just vanish. 🙂
And what about all that meditation, tantra, and mantra stuff? All that spiritual fluff people swear by?
Honestly, I wish I could just mutter some magic word and make all this nonsense disappear. Just one little spell and boom—problem solved. Life would be a hell of a lot easier if that were actually an option.
I don't know about you, but I’m feeling a bit better after getting that tax filing done. Honestly, just glad that's over with. 🙂
I'm just messing with you guys. Mostly.
Anyone else dealing with this same mess? Or am I just out here fighting this battle alone?
Someone needs to tell me how she actually deals with him. Seriously.

Magic words are entirely ineffective unless you have already achieved a "magical" state of mind.
I have already shared my own method for handling loneliness; one simply heads out into nature—into the deep woods or the wild—and that provides a sense of replenishment that no other activity can possibly match.

I know it might not be much of a consolation, but honestly? It’s perfectly normal for an intelligent, deep-thinking person to feel like a lonely sca sometimes.

I used to feel that way myself... until I eventually realized it was all just a bit much

The truth is, you aren't actually settling for less; you simply refuse to settle for people who don't meet your standards, even if it feels like luck isn't on your side lately.
There really isn't a complex situation out there that we haven't manufactured ourselves, is there? We tend to gravitate toward certain types of people—people our intuition immediately CATEGORIZES as either incredibly simple or impossibly complicated.

In the end, everyone finds exactly what they are looking for.

placidcrane61 said:Quincy:

I don't know what to tell you. Florine is just... Florine. There’s no point in dancing around it. Some people just have that energy, and frankly, I'm too tired to deal with it today. It is what it is. James Allen2 says: Get out there and wander through the wild. Go extreme. Seek out the freezing cold, trek through the pitch black—whatever it takes. Honestly, nothing cures loneliness quite like the great outdoors. 🙂

Alright. I'll give it a shot.
Maybe I’ll just head out into the wilderness and disappear. Get as far away from civilization as possible. Just vanish. 🙂
And what about all that meditation, tantra, and mantra stuff? All that spiritual fluff people swear by?
Honestly, I wish I could just mutter some magic word and make all this nonsense disappear. Just one little spell and boom—problem solved. Life would be a hell of a lot easier if that were actually an option.
I don't know about you, but I’m feeling a bit better after getting that tax filing done. Honestly, just glad that's over with. 🙂
I'm just messing with you guys. Mostly.
Anyone else dealing with this same mess? Or am I just out here fighting this battle alone?
Someone needs to tell me how she actually deals with him. Seriously.

There really are no magic bullets. If you go hunting for them, you might actually find one, but you risk losing yourself in the process. What I mean is, if you spend your life chasing those quick fixes, sooner or later, they’re going to end up finding you instead...

You aren't alone in this; so many people feel exactly the same way. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met someone who hasn't gone through this at some point, in one way or another. That sense of isolation, of being misunderstood, that feeling that there isn't anyone quite like you... well, the truth is, there isn't. You are on your own. Everything else really does come down to you...
You mentioned that it's winter and the days are dark and gloomy, making it hard to find any motivation. Use this time for reflection—think about yourself, others, the world at large. Pick up a book. There is so much you can do when you're by yourself...
It is only once you learn how to truly be alone—to sit in solitude and become a friend to yourself—that you will finally be able to accept other people for who they are, unique individuals just like you... 😉
That heavy feeling of loneliness will eventually fade, because in reality, you are never truly alone unless you choose to be... 🙂

Hey, I was wondering if anyone here could help me out with a specific term or concept for something I've been dealing with:

After spending a lot of time reflecting on my own behavior, I’ve noticed a pattern. I tend to "infect" people with bad vibes. My frustrations and constant theorizing can drive the people closest to me absolutely crazy, but strangely enough, it seems to only happen with the people I care about most. I know all about "emotional vampires," and honestly, I’ve been a victim of them a thousand times in my life. But now, I feel like I'm both the victim and the predator at the same time. Deep down, I can see how toxic my ego has become. I’m not happy with who I am or how I act. I’m constantly complaining, radiating this depressive energy that I end up passing onto those near me. I'm fully aware of it, and living in this constant battle with my inner self is exhausting. It’s been going on for years, and no matter how hard I try to fight it, things just seem to spiral further downhill.
The weirdest part is that my awareness only kicks in after I hit rock bottom. I want to heal, but I have no clue what will actually help me get back to being the person I used to be. I know it won't be easy, but I've made a firm decision to change. I just realized that I’ve partially passed my own darkness onto my ex-girlfriend, and it's spreading to others. I don't want that.

If anyone can recommend some books—either in English or any other language—that might help me tackle this, I'd appreciate it. This feels like a form of psychological vampirism, and after all the selfish, shitty things I've done, I really want to make amends somehow.

I haven't scrolled through the old threads to see if this has come up before, so please don't jump down my throat. I'm in a really dark place right now, and if anyone can point me in the right direction, I'd be incredibly grateful.