I'm at my breaking point

Alexander Lopez11 said:Amanda Stewart7, thank you so much for replying to my private message. I suppose it might be better if I just write out everything you asked here, because maybe it will feel a bit easier, and perhaps I might receive some extra advice or even hear from people who have actually navigated through similar struggles. It’s true—the reason I failed my freshman year of high school was that I lost all the friends I used to have. They all saw me as just being stupid or irresponsible. But I don't think anyone ever stopped to wonder why I was acting out so much, or why I started withdrawing into myself like that. For years, I’ve just been carrying this deep, quiet pain inside me that I couldn't bring myself to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else. It really stems from an unrequited love that I just couldn't let go of. I can't really talk to my parents about these things either, because they tend to treat me like I'm mentally unstable, which makes them start treating me like a little child instead of a person. So much has happened to me in these nineteen years; I lost my uncle in a car accident, my aunt passed away from leukemia, and my dad got so sick with diabetes he almost died. I honestly just feel like everyone is rejecting me, and I feel like I can never, ever be the person that everyone expects me to be. I just want to feel loved in the way I used to be. I want to reach a point where I finally realize I am beautiful on my own, rather than always needing other people to tell me so. I want to feel like I actually matter, like I'm someone important. And I guess, in the future, I want to be with someone I love so deeply that it actually makes all this current heartache feel even more intense. I truly want to leave the past behind and find some genuine, normal friends, though I know that feels nearly impossible right now given my mental state and the fact that I fell behind in school last year. I just want to be able to sleep at night like everyone else does, instead of lying there in the dark, trapped by these terrible thoughts. I sometimes wish someone would just care about me as a person—someone who once walked twelve miles through the snow just to see me. I have this overwhelming urge to go back in time and change everything, but since that isn't possible, I find myself thinking quite often that death might just be the most ideal way to end all this suffering.

I deal with this too.😢 Whenever I'm hitting a crisis point or dealing with high stress—especially the night before a big exam—it happens. All the worst moments start looping in my head: people who mistreated me, everything I resented about my parents, and so on.
The worst part is how it becomes a feedback loop; one dark thought just pulls the next one right along with it.
Sometimes, autogenic training exercises help me get a grip. You might want to give them a shot...

Look, I can't really offer much advice since I'm fighting the exact same battle, and honestly, I haven't figured out how to win it yet. In fact, a few days ago, I finally made the firm decision that I need to start psychotherapy.😢

It’s similar to what you're describing. My first bout of depression hit back in high school. It was pretty brutal, and even now, I carry the physical scars on my arms and legs from what I did to myself... it was horrific. Of course, nobody noticed. Not even my parents.
Just like you, the thing that pulled me out of that first dark period was love; it was a guy I'm still with today.
I'm 22 now, finishing up my senior year of college. From the outside, everything looks perfect, but on the inside... you say you want to die, while I feel like I'm actually dying, like I'm just slowly flickering out...
For me, these depressive episodes are cyclical; it hits me every spring, and it has for the last seven years.
Except the most recent cycle started two years ago and just won't let go...

I've been taking herbal antidepressants for nearly two months now, but the improvement has been minimal at best.
I’ve really tried to do the work, though. I practiced yoga, meditated, read books on depression, tried to analyze all the potential triggers... but nothing sticks. The depression just keeps coming back.
So, I'm seeing my doctor next week to get a referral, and then I'll be heading to a psychiatrist.🙂

Carl Thompson6 said:I totally feel you on this. I’m 22, and honestly, things have been rough. I wake up every morning feeling just... off, like there's this constant cloud over me. I can't stop spiraling into thoughts about death and stuff like that. I try my best to just act normal and get through the day, but sometimes the weight of it all just hits me out of nowhere and I really struggle... My mom doesn't really get it either; she thinks I'm being dramatic. She's like, "You're young, you're pretty, you don't have any major health issues, so what's the problem?" It actually makes me feel super guilty for even feeling this way, especially when I think about how many other people are dealing with much heavier stuff. Anyway, how are things going with your boyfriend? You mentioned you were really happy when you two first started dating...

I totally get you. For me, this past two weeks have been especially brutal, though my depression actually goes way back to elementary school... On the surface, everything looks fine—I laugh, I enjoy things here and there—but inside, I'm just depressed, sad, and stuck with these horrible thoughts. Then other times, I can't do anything at all... I just end up being hard on myself because of the crying. I don't even want to cry, but the tears just come uninvited... And I don't really have anyone to talk to. My mom is just being a typical mom—she wants the best for me, so she doesn't take it seriously. Most people around me seem so happy with their lives, and whenever I try to hint at how bad I'm actually feeling, they just start telling me how great I actually have it and that everything will be okay, then they change the subject. I wish I could help all of you, but I don't even know how to help myself first... 😢

I know exactly how you feel, because I went through that exact same phase when I was around that age... It seems like during those transitional years, when you’re desperately trying to stop dieting and actually start living like a normal human being again, so many people just crack, mostly because they don't have the support they need from the people closest to them.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me; I suppose it’s a bit of a relief to realize I’m not alone in this. Today, however, everything just feels especially heavy. I went out for a walk earlier and ran into an old acquaintance who invited me to grab a coffee, but when I saw how crowded the patio was, I just... I think I reached my breaking point and turned away immediately. I ended up back home crying harder than I ever have before. I can't help but feel like everyone is looking at me with such judgment, even people who don't even know who I am. To make matters worse, I have this massive exam tomorrow that seems to carry the weight of the entire school on its shoulders, yet I just can't seem to wrap my head around these last fifteen questions. I am trying so incredibly hard, I really am, but nothing is sticking. I fear that, somehow, I’m going to end up disappointing my parents, my teachers, and most of all, myself. I'm just terrified of failing again after promising myself 😢

Alexander Lopez11 said:Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me; I suppose it’s a bit of a relief to realize I’m not alone in this. Today, however, everything just feels especially heavy. I went out for a walk earlier and ran into an old acquaintance who invited me to grab a coffee, but when I saw how crowded the patio was, I just... I think I reached my breaking point and turned away immediately. I ended up back home crying harder than I ever have before. I can't help but feel like everyone is looking at me with such judgment, even people who don't even know who I am. To make matters worse, I have this massive exam tomorrow that seems to carry the weight of the entire school on its shoulders, yet I just can't seem to wrap my head around these last fifteen questions. I am trying so incredibly hard, I really am, but nothing is sticking. I fear that, somehow, I’m going to end up disappointing my parents, my teachers, and most of all, myself. I'm just terrified of failing again after promising myself 😢

I totally get how heavy this feels, because it’s so much easier to just tell yourself you can't do it and then sit there crying and beating yourself up about it, which is... well, that's exactly what I usually do. But look, I'm right here with you, so maybe just grab those 15 questions and try to tackle them, if only for your own sake rather than worrying about disappointing your parents, your teachers, or anyone else. Just hang in there and don't let this crush you. And please don't go thinking that everyone hates you, because I'm pretty sure that isn't true at all. Sometimes I catch myself wondering why anyone would even love me, and I don't really have an answer, but I do know that people do care (at least some of them do)....
So, just grab your textbook and try to knock out those 15 answers. And, since I don't want to feel like I'm just talking to thin air, I guess I'll make a promise too—I'm going to get myself ready for my big test by Friday.
Let's stay strong. 😉

Alexander Lopez11 said:So, I’m nineteen years old now. About a year ago, I went through a really dark chapter in my life, where things got so heavy that I actually started self-harming. I don't think it was just some phase or kids being dramatic, because I see how much kids today seem to treat that kind of stuff like it's some sort of trend, but I didn't even tell anyone what was happening back then. I mostly just wore black, stayed inside almost all day except when I had to go to school, and I just... stopped caring about studying, eating, or even talking to people. It all really started because of some heartache with a guy. Once I finally found a boyfriend and felt happy again, that depression seemed to vanish, and I’ve been doing okay since then. But lately, those same old shadows are creeping back in. I feel exhausted constantly. I don't want to go out, I feel anxious around groups of people, and I just don't feel comfortable around anyone. I’m unhappy with everything. I can't sleep at night. And honestly, I just wish I could die. I don't mean I want to say things like "I'll jump off a balcony" or anything extreme like that, but if I could just pass away peacefully and without any struggle, I think I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm absolutely nobody in this world, and I worry that I'll never truly be happy or have a family of my own. A lot of my friends—and even just people I know—don't really get it, mostly because they see how guys always flock to me wherever I go. To me, none of that matters. I'm just not interested. Nothing interests me. I feel like I'd rather just vanish from this earth, even if it meant spending eternity in some dark, lonely grave; I think that might actually be better than being here. I don't fit in anywhere. Nobody understands me, and I've even started drinking in the middle of the day, though it doesn't help at all. I don't really know why this depression keeps hitting me, but it feels so tragic that I'm facing this for the second time already. I'm only nineteen, yet I can't seem to enjoy life the way everyone else does. Nothing brings me joy, even though I suppose I have everything I could ever want. I just want it all to end.

You're in your prime, and you really don't need all this baggage. You've gotta find something that defines you. For example, when I was your age, I was in a band, and that's what kept me going. The shows, the parties, hanging with people who actually got me. Life is good—just take the best parts. You have to rise above the bullshit because nothing is unbeatable. Just be glad you're healthy. Everything else is just noise. Believe in yourself.

Alexander Lopez11 said:Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me; I suppose it’s a bit of a relief to realize I’m not alone in this. Today, however, everything just feels especially heavy. I went out for a walk earlier and ran into an old acquaintance who invited me to grab a coffee, but when I saw how crowded the patio was, I just... I think I reached my breaking point and turned away immediately. I ended up back home crying harder than I ever have before. I can't help but feel like everyone is looking at me with such judgment, even people who don't even know who I am. To make matters worse, I have this massive exam tomorrow that seems to carry the weight of the entire school on its shoulders, yet I just can't seem to wrap my head around these last fifteen questions. I am trying so incredibly hard, I really am, but nothing is sticking. I fear that, somehow, I’m going to end up disappointing my parents, my teachers, and most of all, myself. I'm just terrified of failing again after promising myself 😢

See? You aren't alone in this. We're all thinking of you—check in later and let us know how the exam went!

Alexander Lopez11 said:Amanda Stewart7, thank you so much for replying to my private message. I suppose it might be better if I just write out everything you asked here, because maybe it will feel a bit easier, and perhaps I might receive some extra advice or even hear from people who have actually navigated through similar struggles. It’s true—the reason I failed my freshman year of high school was that I lost all the friends I used to have. They all saw me as just being stupid or irresponsible. But I don't think anyone ever stopped to wonder why I was acting out so much, or why I started withdrawing into myself like that. For years, I’ve just been carrying this deep, quiet pain inside me that I couldn't bring myself to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else. It really stems from an unrequited love that I just couldn't let go of. I can't really talk to my parents about these things either, because they tend to treat me like I'm mentally unstable, which makes them start treating me like a little child instead of a person. So much has happened to me in these nineteen years; I lost my uncle in a car accident, my aunt passed away from leukemia, and my dad got so sick with diabetes he almost died. I honestly just feel like everyone is rejecting me, and I feel like I can never, ever be the person that everyone expects me to be. I just want to feel loved in the way I used to be. I want to reach a point where I finally realize I am beautiful on my own, rather than always needing other people to tell me so. I want to feel like I actually matter, like I'm someone important. And I guess, in the future, I want to be with someone I love so deeply that it actually makes all this current heartache feel even more intense. I truly want to leave the past behind and find some genuine, normal friends, though I know that feels nearly impossible right now given my mental state and the fact that I fell behind in school last year. I just want to be able to sleep at night like everyone else does, instead of lying there in the dark, trapped by these terrible thoughts. I sometimes wish someone would just care about me as a person—someone who once walked twelve miles through the snow just to see me. I have this overwhelming urge to go back in time and change everything, but since that isn't possible, I find myself thinking quite often that death might just be the most ideal way to end all this suffering.

When I read your first post, I thought you felt so fragile that you didn't even dare to have any desires. (Which leads to a strange paradox where "a person has everything they could wish for," yet finds life unbearable, making the only perceived exit leaving it altogether.)
But looking at this second post, it seems to me that you are actually stronger than you realize.😉

When someone experiences a failure like yours, it is incredibly easy to fall into a vicious cycle.
Because of mental health struggles, you experience a setback, and then you cling even tighter to those struggles so that you don't lose your "reason" for the failure. This, in turn, creates space for even more failures, and the cycle repeats.
In this way, you have something to hold onto, even if that something is painful and unbearable.
Is it possible that you fear if you allow yourself even a tiny bit of happiness, you will lose your final shield? That you’ll be left completely exposed to the world, with nothing left to defend yourself against being called "stupid and irresponsible"?

I believe that label—"stupid and irresponsible"—comes primarily from within you, from some internal critic. Perhaps this depression is your way of trying to escape him, a way of showing him how weak you are in the hopes that he might become less demanding and less cruel.
Can you try to convince yourself that you deserve even a small moment of joy?
Are there any things at all that you can find enjoyment in right now?

I suppose I should check in and let you all know that I failed my exam. I had three core subjects to cover; I felt completely confident about two of them, but the third one just completely slipped through my fingers, and I didn't pass. Honestly, I've just been crying. I really wanted to make something of myself. I haven't eaten all day—I can't even bring myself to eat because the very thought of food makes me feel sick. Nothing brings me joy anymore; absolutely nothing. Everything feels so monotonous and dark. I tried going out with a friend to clear my head, but it didn't help at all; if anything, it made things worse because listening to her enjoy life just feels unbearable. There is one small glimmer of light in this whole miserable situation, though, which is that the person I mentioned before—the one whose love I never truly received—wants to come back into my life. But given how I'm feeling right now, I just can't bear the idea of anyone seeing me in this state. All I can talk about is death and these horrible, heavy things. Last night, I was gripped by this sudden wave of panic, and I don't even know what triggered it. I just can't cope, and it feels like nothing can fix it. I find myself wondering what I could have possibly done wrong in my life to have nothing but bad luck hitting me for nineteen years straight. How am I even supposed to be okay when everything around me feels so broken?

Alexander Lopez11 said:I suppose I should check in and let you all know that I failed my exam. I had three core subjects to cover; I felt completely confident about two of them, but the third one just completely slipped through my fingers, and I didn't pass. Honestly, I've just been crying. I really wanted to make something of myself. I haven't eaten all day—I can't even bring myself to eat because the very thought of food makes me feel sick. Nothing brings me joy anymore; absolutely nothing. Everything feels so monotonous and dark. I tried going out with a friend to clear my head, but it didn't help at all; if anything, it made things worse because listening to her enjoy life just feels unbearable. There is one small glimmer of light in this whole miserable situation, though, which is that the person I mentioned before—the one whose love I never truly received—wants to come back into my life. But given how I'm feeling right now, I just can't bear the idea of anyone seeing me in this state. All I can talk about is death and these horrible, heavy things. Last night, I was gripped by this sudden wave of panic, and I don't even know what triggered it. I just can't cope, and it feels like nothing can fix it. I find myself wondering what I could have possibly done wrong in my life to have nothing but bad luck hitting me for nineteen years straight. How am I even supposed to be okay when everything around me feels so broken?

What kind of exam was it?
Is there any chance you can retake it?
Considering how you're feeling, those two subjects you mastered weren't a waste at all.

I suppose I still have a shot at this, since it’s just my high school graduation exams. I could always retake them if I had to, though there would be a fee involved. Honestly, the money isn't even the main issue for me; I just really need to feel better about where I stand.😢

So, it isn't as if everything is irreparable. 😉

No matter how devastating a setback might feel, there is an argument to be made that these moments can actually trigger a positive turning point in one's life. When we fail to meet the expectations others have placed upon us—and we manage to survive that fallout—it often becomes much easier to start pursuing what we truly desire for ourselves.

How do you perceive yourself right now? Do you have any specific aspirations or a particular path you hope to follow in the future?
When you use phrases like 'someone' or 'something,' what kind of imagery comes to mind?

I get the impression that you feel so disconnected from the world that even food has lost its appeal. But do you remember what used to bring you joy—back before this current phase—or was there at least something that captured your interest?

Samuel Miller21 said:So, it isn't as if everything is irreparable. 😉

No matter how devastating a setback might feel, there is an argument to be made that these moments can actually trigger a positive turning point in one's life. When we fail to meet the expectations others have placed upon us—and we manage to survive that fallout—it often becomes much easier to start pursuing what we truly desire for ourselves.

How do you perceive yourself right now? Do you have any specific aspirations or a particular path you hope to follow in the future?
When you use phrases like 'someone' or 'something,' what kind of imagery comes to mind?

I get the impression that you feel so disconnected from the world that even food has lost its appeal. But do you remember what used to bring you joy—back before this current phase—or was there at least something that captured your interest?

P.S. I do remember. I used to love going out, though I don't really care for that anymore. I liked doing my makeup, and I used to be interested in dating, but now that all seems so foreign to me. I loved dancing and singing, too. Back then, just having a sunny day was enough to make me feel happy. But now, even when the sun is shining brightest, everything just feels dark.

These are all the things that finally come flooding back once you start feeling like you actually belong in this world again.

What’s the deal with this friend you went out with?
Aside from the fact that she's currently riding high...
It is an incredibly heavy sensation, isn't it? To feel as though you are personally falling apart while someone right next to you is just chirping away happily. You likely feel even more displaced and diminished, as if you are drifting further away from the rest of society. But if you could somehow find a way to accept her current state of happiness, perhaps a fragment of it might rub off on you... It can be quite tempting to let yourself "sink" into someone else's joy until you feel strong enough to build something of your own.