Why you shouldn't get too close to your coworkers

I couldn't really get my point across last night because the forum was acting up again, but honestly, Norris hit the nail on the head.
I’m especially glad she brought up professional ethics—you're supposed to actually work at your job, not suffocate everyone with messy relationship drama and TMI personal details.

I just have one more thing to add. To the people here claiming they're victims of workplace bullying: by what right? You pick and choose who you play the victim with, but the moment you run into someone doing the exact same thing to you, suddenly you're being harassed? I truly hope none of you ever have to experience that, but take my word for it: this isn't what you think it is.

(I have friends from various old jobs that I've stayed close with, but I have NEVER, and I mean never, shared private business in front of others. There's a time and place for that—grab a coffee after hours, go out for pizza... something. If you have this desperate need to vent or confide in someone, do it somewhere else. It's always your choice who you trust, and as adults, you should be able to judge that pretty well. And if you mess up? Well, just don't do it at the office.)

Sandra Parker3 said:I couldn't really get my point across last night because the forum was acting up again, but honestly, Norris hit the nail on the head.
I’m especially glad she brought up professional ethics—you're supposed to actually work at your job, not suffocate everyone with messy relationship drama and TMI personal details.

I just have one more thing to add. To the people here claiming they're victims of workplace bullying: by what right? You pick and choose who you play the victim with, but the moment you run into someone doing the exact same thing to you, suddenly you're being harassed? I truly hope none of you ever have to experience that, but take my word for it: this isn't what you think it is.

(I have friends from various old jobs that I've stayed close with, but I have NEVER, and I mean never, shared private business in front of others. There's a time and place for that—grab a coffee after hours, go out for pizza... something. If you have this desperate need to vent or confide in someone, do it somewhere else. It's always your choice who you trust, and as adults, you should be able to judge that pretty well. And if you mess up? Well, just don't do it at the office.)

It seems you missed the point of my story entirely. I wasn't saying a female colleague was bullying me—it was a male colleague. She was just a jerk. And believe me, I wouldn't wish sexual harassment or psychological abuse on my worst enemy, especially the kind where they try to systematically degrade you in front of everyone just because you won't comply.
I'm glad some people have had positive experiences; I have too, but only with one female colleague at my firm with whom I don't share direct responsibilities. Honestly, I think that's the only way it works. People can be cutthroat when they're competing for the same status or resources. I wish you all the best and some common sense 😉!

David Green11 said:It is an incredibly delicate balancing act to figure out how much of yourself you should actually reveal to your coworkers. When you consider that you might be sharing a workspace with the same group of people for eight hours a day, year after year, it’s practically inevitable that you'll eventually learn quite a bit about one another.
To give you a sense of my own situation: I work in a small office setting with three other people, making us a group of four. I have a wonderful rapport with one colleague—we get along famously during business hours, though we don't hang out outside the office—and my relationship with a second person is strictly professional. However, there is a third individual whom I simply cannot stand, and the feeling is entirely mutual. This person is a total gossip who can't keep a secret to save their life, constantly running around the office to recount every little thing they overhear in our room. It’s absolutely exhausting! I actually lost my cool and confronted her once about this behavior, but it backfired spectacularly; she managed to play the victim, painting me as the aggressor in my sudden outburst, and now my relationships with the rest of the team feel somewhat chilled.
If I had to offer any advice based on that headache, it would be this: aim to be perfectly pleasant with everyone, but maintain a healthy level of distance from everyone!

It sounds like you're describing my exact situation at my job, except there are only three of us.

Kevin Nelson6 said:I find myself compelled to agree with color.
In your case, this isn't about being betrayed after forming a bond with someone; rather, it is about the fact that you indiscriminately bombard people with your private struggles—people you haven't even taken the time to get to know, nor do you seem particularly interested in doing so. It appears you simply require a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. That is not how one builds intimacy, certainly not within a professional environment. Such behavior merely projects the image of someone lacking social intelligence, someone who is both exhausting and intrusive.

Furthermore, there exists a professional code of conduct which dictates that personal problems should not be brought into the workplace, where the focus during those eight hours should remain on work rather than incessant chatter regarding private matters.

If there are colleagues you genuinely enjoy, and you gradually grow closer over time—perhaps meeting outside of work after having properly acquainted yourselves and shared personal details in a non-professional setting—then you might consider them friends, and such individuals are unlikely to betray you.

That is a far cry from recounting your entire life story to the very first person sitting next to you within five minutes of meeting them without any provocation. That is not building a connection; it is mere harassment.

And, contrary to all of you who are complaining here, allow me to offer a positive example. I am currently at my third job. From my first and second companies, I still maintain close friendships with women who were my peers then and remain so now. Beyond those core friends, I also maintain good rapport with people from both previous firms whom I grab coffee with or exchange emails with occasionally.
At my current job, I maintain a great relationship with the entire team—subordinates and supervisors alike. We are quite close, socializing outside of work, carpooling, and grabbing coffee; we generally know one another well, creating a healthy atmosphere. However, during working hours, no one complains to anyone about romantic issues or other personal drama; instead, we joke about neutral topics and remain primarily focused on our tasks. Truly intimate and private matters are reserved for those in our lives outside of the office.

I certainly have some success stories to share as well! This is actually my fourth company, and throughout my previous three roles, I had wonderful experiences with colleagues whom I still call up or meet for coffee to this very day.
As for what determines those kinds of connections—it is hard to say for sure! If I had to guess, I would suggest that workload plays a massive role; it seems to me that when people aren't buried under a mountain of tasks, they tend to have much more time to indulge in office gossip and other distractions.

Professor, you are giving me such intense flashbacks to my high school teacher... Professor, is that really you? 😁

Andrew Reed11 said:Here’s what I’ve finally realized—my biggest mistake has always been getting way too close to people at work or during some seminar or class. It sounds crazy, but it’s a double-edged sword that cuts deep. In my experience, even though time seems to fly when you're actually getting along with someone at the office, leaning in too far is honestly one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Sure, having decent relationships is fine, but keep them surface-level. It took me a hell of a lot of effort and heartache to wrap my head around this. When you're feeling lonely, you tend to look for a friend in everyone you meet, and that’s exactly how you end up getting burned at work. I used to dive into these super intense, overly personal conversations just because I was lonely, and it always came back to haunt me like a boomerang. I also had this urge to be the "fun" one—the person entertaining everyone at the office—and guess what? That bit me in the ass, too. Then there was the whole thing where I felt this need to protect others, which ended up being the hardest blow of all. I've come to see that the smartest move is to stay neutral—just don't get caught up in other people's business. People like that always seem to fare the best. People like me, who pour everything into others—giving them love, attention, support, acting like a protector or an entertainer—we’re usually the first ones to feel the knife in our backs. Trust me on this. It took years of misery to learn. Maybe those attempts to be "likable" were just me trying to soothe my own ego, which explains why the fallout was so brutal. It’s better to stay grounded, keep your distance, and not make others the center of your universe; that's how you actually get through life without the drama. Any time you overextend yourself for someone else, it ends up coming back to hit you negatively. And look, don't mistake this for pessimism—call it what it is: plain old realism.

Here is my take on it. This isn't really about your job; it's about how you interact with people in general. You can't force a friendship. Just relax and go with the flow.🙂 The more you try to force things, the more you lose touch with reality. You end up looking foolish to yourself and everyone else, and you don't gain anything from it. It's a total no-win situation.
If you stop putting all this self-imposed pressure on yourself, you'll start seeing much more clearly who you can actually build connections with and how to do it. Until you let go of that tension, there isn't even a theoretical chance of acting naturally or finding a situation that actually works in your favor.

Kevin Nelson6 said:I find myself compelled to agree with color.
In your case, this isn't about being betrayed after forming a bond with someone; rather, it is about the fact that you indiscriminately bombard people with your private struggles—people you haven't even taken the time to get to know, nor do you seem particularly interested in doing so. It appears you simply require a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. That is not how one builds intimacy, certainly not within a professional environment. Such behavior merely projects the image of someone lacking social intelligence, someone who is both exhausting and intrusive.

Furthermore, there exists a professional code of conduct which dictates that personal problems should not be brought into the workplace, where the focus during those eight hours should remain on work rather than incessant chatter regarding private matters.

If there are colleagues you genuinely enjoy, and you gradually grow closer over time—perhaps meeting outside of work after having properly acquainted yourselves and shared personal details in a non-professional setting—then you might consider them friends, and such individuals are unlikely to betray you.

That is a far cry from recounting your entire life story to the very first person sitting next to you within five minutes of meeting them without any provocation. That is not building a connection; it is mere harassment.

And, contrary to all of you who are complaining here, allow me to offer a positive example. I am currently at my third job. From my first and second companies, I still maintain close friendships with women who were my peers then and remain so now. Beyond those core friends, I also maintain good rapport with people from both previous firms whom I grab coffee with or exchange emails with occasionally.
At my current job, I maintain a great relationship with the entire team—subordinates and supervisors alike. We are quite close, socializing outside of work, carpooling, and grabbing coffee; we generally know one another well, creating a healthy atmosphere. However, during working hours, no one complains to anyone about romantic issues or other personal drama; instead, we joke about neutral topics and remain primarily focused on our tasks. Truly intimate and private matters are reserved for those in our lives outside of the office.

I mean, you’re supposed to keep your private life for the people you're actually intimate with... though I guess you can be "intimate" with coworkers too (looking at you, assistant/boss dynamics)!

(good grief) 🙄

Ronald Rogers27

I’ll admit, I tend to be pretty reserved with my coworkers, but I can feel that lack of connection. It gets lonely during those eight-hour shifts. Some people grab coffee together during breaks and hang out, but I’m just not the type to share my private life—I wouldn't dream of it. Still, I miss having even that basic, surface-level rapport. Right now, I don't even have that.

Seriously though, what do you even do when someone you’ve called a friend for ten years decides to stab you in the back just to suck up to someone else by spilling your business??? Doesn't it make you want to absolutely lose it? I always go into things assuming people are decent, thinking everyone’s got a good heart and trusting them, but honestly, people are just hunting for dirt on you so they can tear you down—or worse, once you actually start winning, they just want to drag you back down to their level. So now what? How am I supposed to build any kind of connection with anyone when I don't want some idiot having a front-row seat to my private life? I’d much rather have one or two real friends who actually know how to shut up than a hundred fake ones. The sad part is, these people running their mouths usually don't even realize how messed up they're being; they think it's no big deal, failing to grasp that I only shared things because I actually considered them close. They just talk trash because they're socially stunted and lack any basic sense of decency. And there’s nothing you can do about it! You can't fix them! Your best bet is to just bail and, whenever you have to deal with them, give them zero intel or just straight-up lie to their faces. 😁Let them spread lies around; they'll eventually look like total idiots when the truth comes out, and then you can just laugh and say, "Wait, you actually believed that? Seriously?They won't dare ask you anything ever again because they'll be too embarrassed about looking like fools with their little gossip sessions. 👍

This might sound a little blunt, but seriously—be careful about oversharing your personal life at work. In 99% of cases, it doesn't end well, one way or another. I've seen plenty of examples play out in my own office that prove my point... and honestly, I've even caught myself making comments that weren't exactly my brightest moments, so I've learned to watch what I say over time. 😉 Even though it can be tough to keep everything bottled up, after a while, I realized the best move is just to stay quiet! There’s always going to be someone just waiting for a glimpse of someone else's "weakness" to twist it to their advantage. And don't even get me started on how easy it is for a simple comment to be taken out of context and turned into gossip or outright lies...
The only person I truly open up to is my partner. I never vent about our private issues to anyone else. Other people can't actually help solve them; they can only judge. It's not that I'm antisocial or anything, I just stick to neutral topics. In reality, if I have a personal dilemma or a question about my life, I'd much rather bring it here to the forum... 👍
I don't know if my philosophy is technically "right," but it's what works for me based on experience. I can tell you that since I started acting this way, I've been way more satisfied with my professional relationships...🙂

Andrew Reed11 said:Here’s what I’ve finally realized—my biggest mistake has always been getting way too close to people at work or during some seminar or class. It sounds crazy, but it’s a double-edged sword that cuts deep. In my experience, even though time seems to fly when you're actually getting along with someone at the office, leaning in too far is honestly one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Sure, having decent relationships is fine, but keep them surface-level. It took me a hell of a lot of effort and heartache to wrap my head around this. When you're feeling lonely, you tend to look for a friend in everyone you meet, and that’s exactly how you end up getting burned at work. I used to dive into these super intense, overly personal conversations just because I was lonely, and it always came back to haunt me like a boomerang. I also had this urge to be the "fun" one—the person entertaining everyone at the office—and guess what? That bit me in the ass, too. Then there was the whole thing where I felt this need to protect others, which ended up being the hardest blow of all. I've come to see that the smartest move is to stay neutral—just don't get caught up in other people's business. People like that always seem to fare the best. People like me, who pour everything into others—giving them love, attention, support, acting like a protector or an entertainer—we’re usually the first ones to feel the knife in our backs. Trust me on this. It took years of misery to learn. Maybe those attempts to be "likable" were just me trying to soothe my own ego, which explains why the fallout was so brutal. It’s better to stay grounded, keep your distance, and not make others the center of your universe; that's how you actually get through life without the drama. Any time you overextend yourself for someone else, it ends up coming back to hit you negatively. And look, don't mistake this for pessimism—call it what it is: plain old realism.

Sorry, but I think you're just being naive here.

Jacob Richardson5 said:I’ll admit, I tend to be pretty reserved with my coworkers, but I can feel that lack of connection. It gets lonely during those eight-hour shifts. Some people grab coffee together during breaks and hang out, but I’m just not the type to share my private life—I wouldn't dream of it. Still, I miss having even that basic, surface-level rapport. Right now, I don't even have that.

Try sticking to neutral ground... or just listen to their stories, show some empathy, and be someone they can trust—meaning, you aren't going to go gossiping about what they said later on. 😉
That's basically my playbook.
Beyond that, there are certain things you *can* share. People generally tend to be sympathetic if, say, you're dealing with a health issue or need surgery; everyone knows life happens. But stuff like "my husband and I got into a fight because he stayed out too late"? Yeah, forget about it. 😉
Or just talk about skincare, fashion, or whatever's trending on Netflix... there are plenty of safe topics out there. 👍

Ronald Rogers27 said:I mean, you’re supposed to keep your private life for the people you're actually intimate with... though I guess you can be "intimate" with coworkers too (looking at you, assistant/boss dynamics)!

(good grief) 🙄

Ronald Rogers27

That is precisely what I stated. Which specific part of that sentence was so difficult for you to comprehend? Good heavens, really???
🙄😲

There truly are all sorts of people here.☕

Jacob Richardson5 said:I’ll admit, I tend to be pretty reserved with my coworkers, but I can feel that lack of connection. It gets lonely during those eight-hour shifts. Some people grab coffee together during breaks and hang out, but I’m just not the type to share my private life—I wouldn't dream of it. Still, I miss having even that basic, surface-level rapport. Right now, I don't even have that.

So, why do you think it ends up like that?

People only see the version of your life that you choose to show them.
There’s no need to overshare everything, but cutting yourself off completely is just as foolish. You have to find that sweet spot where you can still engage and debate with others...
It costs nothing to say good morning, grab a coffee with your coworkers, or chat about what happened yesterday before diving into work. You aren't going to be best friends with everyone you work with. Real friends are rare enough to count on one hand.