I'm feeling completely burnt out

Grace White10 said:Okay, here I am, reading, thinking... maybe I will, maybe I won't. Finally decided to post. I'm not looking for solutions. I'm not hunting for answers. Maybe just a little conversation.
We’ve been married for six years. That relationship felt perfect the moment I met him, but then again, I was only eighteen. Maybe I wasn't being realistic. I admit it—I loved him, and I still do. He was my best friend before anything else. We have two beautiful girls who brighten my life every single day. Honestly, I don't know how it all started. Maybe I just didn't see it because I was blinded by love, or maybe he truly changed into someone else. There were arguments, sure—not that any relationship is perfectly flawless. But now, ten years later, I'm seeing things through a different lens. First off, my husband has an issue with alcohol. Not that he's wasted constantly, but he drinks every single day, even when he's alone. And when he's drinking, he becomes rude, insulting, and abusive to everyone around him. I used to think, okay, he had a drink, I'll just stay quiet until tomorrow. But it’s becoming his constant state. The insults, the outbursts, the lack of patience... I can't talk to him about anything normal anymore. He even lashes out at the kids for no reason, just because they get on his nerves. To make a long story short, there's been stuff like being kicked out of the house, him throwing it in my face that he supports me since I wasn't working—and now that I have a job, he's cheating. He even threatened to kill me and the kids. But he was drunk, so I didn't take it seriously. I suggested we talk, suggested therapy, but he just says there's nothing to talk about and starts yelling. It's like, fine, let's "talk" then. Every man who approaches me is someone he's actually intimidated by. I'm attractive; people notice me. But where am I in all this? Does being noticed mean I'm supposed to jump into bed with them immediately? I've never given him cause for that; I don't even consider myself particularly pretty, and I don't look at men that way. But what does his behavior say about how he views me? I wonder where my man went, the one I loved and wanted to grow old with... I look at him and ask, who is this? Am I seeing him clearly for the first time? Is this just now opening my eyes? I wonder if I love him, if he loves me—he says he does, and sometimes he shows it. He can be the gentlest soul in the world for months, and then one scene happens and I'm left wondering what kind of love this even is. He's never physically hit me, but he's so aggressive, and his words hurt so much that I'd honestly rather take a slap than deal with this verbal onslaught. I used to cry for nights after our fights while he would sleep like a baby. Now, I don't even cry anymore. I just stay silent to avoid another fight, but as the days go by, I feel myself disappearing. I ask myself what the point is, if I'm losing my mind. I don't even care about the hugs or the kisses when they aren't there anyway, yet I stay with him for some reason I can't explain. Am I really crazy??!!!!!

Grace White10 said:I find myself looking back over the last ten years—how quickly they’ve simply slipped through my fingers...
And I realize that I practically slept through them all, retreating so deeply into myself that I couldn't truly feel or even see what was happening right in front of me.
For the longest time, I lived like a shadow—not happy, not unhappy, just... hollow. It wasn't that I lacked depth; I had so much to give—so much love, such fierce loyalty, a capacity for understanding that felt endless...
Yet, looking back now, all I received in return were indignities, insults, the occasional fake smile, and those cold, hollow embraces. It is a bitter thing—when you give absolutely everything you have, when you never demand or question, when you love unconditionally and pour your entire soul into what you believe in, only for life to punch you right in the gut.!!!!
I feel disillusioned, utterly betrayed,
And then, finally, happiness arrives. A single look, an honest gaze, a smile meant only for me, a faithful kiss, and the most wonderful soul in existence.
At last, I recognize what true love looks like—but instead of embracing it, I run. I am constantly at war with myself because, God knows, I want to be happy; I want everything this life has to offer, yet there is this one singular decision standing in my way. I need to turn my back on the past, say my goodbyes, and move forward with different people—better people, more deserving people who actually merit everything I have to give—and yet, I find myself unable to do it.!!!!
Why is it that even when I want it so desperately, even when I know that if I don't act, I am losing everything that constitutes happiness for me?
I know deep down that I have to leave—there is nothing holding me here—and I know I will eventually go because I must, but I dread the thought of waiting until it is too late, until I lose this beautiful present for the sake of something that brings nothing but tears!
It feels as though I am standing in quicksand; I am thrashing, desperate to get out, but my feet won't move.
How does one actually turn the page to a new chapter? A chapter I am certain is brighter and more beautiful than the last? What is it that keeps me tethered here, preventing me from walking away?!!!!
I sometimes think perhaps it would be better if I weren't here at all—if I simply ceased to exist—because I have no desire to hurt the person I love so much, yet that is exactly what I am doing.
So I sit here, crying and screaming internally, acting like a complete coward, searching for ways to just disappear.😳

Start a thread on one subforum just to come over and play the victim on another one.
No beginning, no end.
Not even a hint of what the actual problem is.
Woooow...
Can I ask, what's the point?
If you wanted to use this place as your personal blog, you should have just said so.
I wouldn't waste my breath.

p.s. I really love my intuition...
I knew you were dragging things out somehow, I just didn't realize how. (:

Michael Booth3 said:Start a thread on one subforum just to come over and play the victim on another one.
No beginning, no end.
Not even a hint of what the actual problem is.
Woooow...
Can I ask, what's the point?
If you wanted to use this place as your personal blog, you should have just said so.
I wouldn't waste my breath.

p.s. I really love my intuition...
I knew you were dragging things out somehow, I just didn't realize how. (:

I wasn't trying to be evasive at all; I simply assumed this forum was an open community, and I had no idea that posting in one section somehow stripped me of the right to participate in another
And I am not playing the victim—I just sincerely hope you never have to endure what I am going through, because if you don't, you will never truly grasp why I feel this way or why all of this is happening

You clearly have nothing better to do with your life. Go find some actual responsibilities so you can stop wasting your time on this nonsense.

Grace White10 said:I wasn't trying to be evasive at all; I simply assumed this forum was an open community, and I had no idea that posting in one section somehow stripped me of the right to participate in another
And I am not playing the victim—I just sincerely hope you never have to endure what I am going through, because if you don't, you will never truly grasp why I feel this way or why all of this is happening

The issue is how things are presented. You cherry-picked the facts on those two subforums to create a totally skewed picture.
But honestly? It feels pointless to keep explaining how I see things. There's no use.
So, I think it's probably smarter if I just shut up about this whole thing.
Don't misinterpret my tone here.
It's just... the vibe was off. And it was real.

Grace White10, Grace White10... just take it one step at a time, get what you actually want... think about it first...

Grace White10 said:It looks like you all have had quite the lively discussion going on here—I haven't even been able to bring myself to power up my computer these past few days.
And look, I realize it’s difficult for you to grasp exactly what I’m getting at, but I wasn't actually looking for answers—mostly because I’m the only one who truly holds them.
What I was attempting to convey—and this is the crux of it—is the sheer, agonizing difficulty of making a decision when you know it will inevitably hurt people; specifically, those close to you. Yet, the alternative—refusing to make the one decision that is clearly the right path, the only viable path—will also cause pain to those dear to me. Even though I am certain of the best course of action—the only choice left to me—I find myself wondering why I can't, just once, prioritize my own needs. Why must I constantly dissect every single detail? I have this persistent desire to ensure no one gets hurt in the process, but the reality is... well, someone always ends up getting hurt, no matter how carefully you tread.
In the midst of all this, I somehow end up casting myself as the villain in my own story—even though, in truth, I am not. That is precisely why this is so taxing; I feel that if I weren't around, perhaps fewer people would suffer—or at least, they wouldn't suffer nearly as much as they do now.

Don't you think you're staying in this mess because of your own choices? You aren't letting yourself walk away.

When kids are involved, doesn't everything else become secondary to their happiness? Do you honestly believe they'll be happy growing up with a father like that and seeing their mother so miserable? Are you certain your children won't end up resenting you one day for making them endure all of this and watching you suffer through it?

What possible reason could be more important than your children's well-being? Who could possibly matter more than them?