Why am I always the target of toxic people?

Robert Murphy8 said:I know. Thanks. But I've always been this way. Maybe it's a lack of self-confidence, so I try to find it through others, attempting to build friendly bonds... hoping they won't turn on me. It's like I feel vulnerable, so I try to show them I have my own struggles too, trying to prove I'm not a threat so we can be friends. But the opposite happens. They just take everything I say out of context, and that's how it starts. That's how the downward spiral begins. I don't know why I can't just stay detached. I suppose I'm looking for some kind of strength in them. Maybe once I move on from these part-time student jobs to something more serious, I won't feel such a desperate need to socialize with coworkers. Then maybe I'll be able to keep my distance. But the truth is, I haven't quite mastered being "professional" yet.

Way to go!

The root issue here is definitely a lack of self-esteem (which, let's face it, often stems from not getting enough affection growing up). Focus on building that inner strength, and you won't feel the urge to tell
everyone your entire life story from A to Z.

wearyowl29 said:Way to go!

The root issue here is definitely a lack of self-esteem (which, let's face it, often stems from not getting enough affection growing up). Focus on building that inner strength, and you won't feel the urge to tell
everyone your entire life story from A to Z.

Fair point. It’s true. I don't feel any shame about laying my whole life out on a silver platter, but then people just go behind my back anyway. When you lack self-respect, maybe you subconsciously sabotage your own relationships. Honestly, because I can't stand confrontation and I'm terrified of conflict, I almost prefer being the subject of gossip just to avoid a direct showdown. I hate confrontation. Especially eye-to-eye.

Robert Murphy8 said:Fair point. It’s true. I don't feel any shame about laying my whole life out on a silver platter, but then people just go behind my back anyway. When you lack self-respect, maybe you subconsciously sabotage your own relationships. Honestly, because I can't stand confrontation and I'm terrified of conflict, I almost prefer being the subject of gossip just to avoid a direct showdown. I hate confrontation. Especially eye-to-eye.

Why on earth would you do that? That isn't what the job is for, lady; your career isn't about building one big, happy little family. At work, people should only care about the quality of your output and how you handle your responsibilities—not your personal nonsense, your dreams, or heaven forbid, your private struggles. I've told you before that you are far too kind, which unfortunately makes you a magnet for the scavengers around you who just want someone to kick around. So, chin up, keep your distance from the idiots, and only communicate when absolutely necessary; if someone gets arrogant with you, tell them to get lost and move on. Work is work, and your private life belongs to you. Once you finally grasp that distinction, your professional life will be much easier, and ironically, people will probably respect you more.

Emily Foster4 said:Why on earth would you do that? That isn't what the job is for, lady; your career isn't about building one big, happy little family. At work, people should only care about the quality of your output and how you handle your responsibilities—not your personal nonsense, your dreams, or heaven forbid, your private struggles. I've told you before that you are far too kind, which unfortunately makes you a magnet for the scavengers around you who just want someone to kick around. So, chin up, keep your distance from the idiots, and only communicate when absolutely necessary; if someone gets arrogant with you, tell them to get lost and move on. Work is work, and your private life belongs to you. Once you finally grasp that distinction, your professional life will be much easier, and ironically, people will probably respect you more.

I don't know why, but the second someone smiles at me or tries to be nice at the office, it doesn't take long before I start blabbing about my personal life. It always ends up burying me. I just can't help it. I'm a loudmouth, plain and simple... I'm just not the type of person who knows how to keep their mouth shut. Sometimes I even end up playing the victim. I know it's my own fault. Maybe I've just been a victim my whole life, and I got used to it.

I suggest you look into some literature regarding emotional intelligence or strategies for building self-confidence. It truly made a difference for me; I struggled with those exact same issues once... the root cause was internal.
Your fundamental issue is this desperate need to be liked by everyone and to ensure that every single person perceives you as a "good" individual. Why does that matter so much? You should simply be yourself; what others think of you is entirely their own business. If you know you are a good person, that ought to be sufficient to start with. Furthermore, I will say this: nothing you do matters to God if you don't first believe in yourself.

Kenneth Jackson5 said:I suggest you look into some literature regarding emotional intelligence or strategies for building self-confidence. It truly made a difference for me; I struggled with those exact same issues once... the root cause was internal.
Your fundamental issue is this desperate need to be liked by everyone and to ensure that every single person perceives you as a "good" individual. Why does that matter so much? You should simply be yourself; what others think of you is entirely their own business. If you know you are a good person, that ought to be sufficient to start with. Furthermore, I will say this: nothing you do matters to God if you don't first believe in yourself.

Maybe I’m just incredibly lazy. Those college jobs I had were mind-numbingly boring, which is probably why I was so chatty. Ideally, I’d have a career where I could actually have friendly conversations with coworkers.
Basically, whenever I feel pressured or stressed, I start rambling like an idiot.

Everyone spends their days aching for a genuine connection. It often feels like our current friendships just aren't hitting the mark because we are searching for something deeper—a specific kind of understanding. Perhaps it’s the kind of empathy we received growing up in our American households, or perhaps it’s the kind we were tragically denied and now find ourselves desperately missing.
You aren't alone in this. Honestly, you need to just accept that you are a chatterbox; own it. As long as you aren't being offensive, there is nothing wrong with talking. However, if you talk about yourself excessively—which leads to other issues like failing to listen to others, appearing self-obsessed, or being downright egocentric—you had better be prepared for the fallout. People will inevitably take advantage of that flaw.
Focus on self-improvement, because that is your only real option. You cannot force anyone else to change; you can only work on yourself. And believe me when I say that once you do, the way the rest of the world treats you will shift accordingly.

I guess you should just have less respect for people in general. It’s not like everyone actually deserves your trust or your respect, right? You don't need to be rude or arrogant or anything, but being polite doesn't mean you have to go overboard. Just a simple "hello" is more than enough. Honestly, maybe just forget all that forced politeness you were taught growing up. Maybe society functioned a little differently back in the day when people were doing those formal bows or overly respectful gestures, but that's just passé now. It's a different era. And you really don't have to feel pressured to keep talking constantly. It's perfectly fine to just stay quiet. I mean, you didn't show up there to act like an entertainment manager.

Robert Murphy8 said:Look. I appreciate the advice, really, but being unapologetically rude, arrogant, or just plain obnoxious isn't in my DNA. It's not that easy. I was raised to be decent to people—to actually have some manners—and I don't know how to switch that off. I realize I should probably keep my guard up and stop oversharing with everyone I meet, but I can't help it. When I'm around people for too long, if there’s nothing going on, the tension builds up. Eventually, I start talking, and before I know it, I’ve spilled my entire life story. Then, a few days later? A knife in the back. That’s been the pattern at almost every job I've had. I just keep trying to find the good in people, even when it backfires.

I haven't looked at the other suggestions, but you don't need to be rude or uncultured to protect yourself. You just need to set boundaries. In my experience, people respect boundaries much more than they respect pure politeness—which, let's face it, often just looks like being a pushover. You also have to accept the reality that you aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, and you certainly don't owe anyone your whole life story.

Robert Murphy8 said:Maybe I’m just incredibly lazy. Those college jobs I had were mind-numbingly boring, which is probably why I was so chatty. Ideally, I’d have a career where I could actually have friendly conversations with coworkers.
Basically, whenever I feel pressured or stressed, I start rambling like an idiot.

Just take it easy. If this is your first real job, it makes sense that you're feeling more high-strung. Try to find two or three close colleagues you can actually chat with, but keep everyone else at a polite distance. Beyond that, people might just be busy; it doesn't necessarily mean they have an issue with you.👍 At the end of the day, how you perform your actual work is what matters most.😉

I deal with the exact opposite problem. When you're quiet and composed, people always assume you're plotting something because you aren't saying anything, so they have no clue what's on your mind. The reality is that I just need a little more time to settle into an environment before I open up, but eventually, things usually fall into place.🙂

Hey sweetie, didn't you literally say in your own thread that you weren't cut out for work?

Hey, I was reading your post and honestly, it felt like looking in a mirror... I’m going through the exact same thing. Believe me, I get it. I’ve been at this company for five years now, but it wasn't until about two years ago that I actually started focusing on myself. Before that? Let’s just say I was basically the designated office doormat. But then, one day, it was like a lightbulb finally went off. Since then, I've been working hard on both my mental health and my physical fitness—just trying to stay in shape and keep my head straight. There isn't some magic formula or a "quick fix" for this mess we find ourselves in, but if you ask me, the most important things are being happy in your private life and having someone solid by your side who makes you feel secure. Once you’re fulfilled personally, you can start treating all this workplace nonsense as just a weird little game. Don't give it too much weight, you know? I know that sounds easier said than done, but seriously, try it. That’s what I did, and now I’m able to flip about 80% of these situations to my advantage, though I’m still wrestling with that remaining 20%. If you want to chat more, shoot me a DM. I’d really love to talk because it's pretty obvious we have so much in common.

silverfox6 said:I wonder how things are handled over in the States, you know, when dealing with those pesky little nuisance lawsuits. 😬 🙏

Man, if I actually made a list of everyone who's screwed me over, it would be huge.🤣 Honestly, I could probably take them all out without a second thought.😲 😲 😲 But then I remember—it just isn't worth it to end up in eternal hell... especially since my life on Earth is already enough of a nightmare!😁

You’re polite, sweet, kind, always helping everyone, spilling your deepest secrets the second someone looks your way, blah blah blah...

Sorry, but honestly? That sounds exhausting. It doesn't sound "nice" or "polite" to me at all. First off, it's just boring. I’d probably be the first one running the other way if I were you. That’s likely why people don't really notice you.

You can't just go around hitting on people with your "poor me" stories unless they actually ask. You just can't. Listen. Just listen to others. If you actually intrigue them with something else, they'll naturally want to know more about you. Then you can share, if you feel like it. And with whoever you choose.

You can't expect to get a whole social circle just because you showed up for work. People have their own lives. Being a full-time therapist for your coworkers isn't exactly in anyone's job description.

And for heaven's sake, show a little backbone. You can't be playing the helper for everyone 24/7.