Schizophrenia - General Discussion

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Honestly, your support here means the world to me. And why wouldn't I succeed? Even with my lack of fine motor skills, moments where my memory just slips away, vision issues in one eye, tremors, and all the other symptoms. This illness used to leave me bedridden physically, though back then, I was still doing okay mentally.

Lately, a string of terrible life events has taken a toll on my mental health. On top of that, every time I finish clinical treatment, I develop PTSD. It leads to these episodes that are just devastating; I can't even close my eyes because the fear is constant. It’s better if I don't go into detail.

My mental state took a massive hit because of a guy I was seeing. I was nearing a suicidal breaking point; a bad episode started before him, and then he came along, and things just spiraled.

The best feeling is when you're almost numb—when everything is just a flat line, where you barely feel an emotion and physical pain becomes impossible to sense. There has been far too much physical and emotional agony in my life. I often wish I were dead, or I find myself wondering how I'm even still alive. Life has been incredibly unfair to me.

Right now, it hurts because I can't be with the person I love. They are already in a relationship, and while they love me, they aren't willing to end it. It's agonizing...
I just want this to resolve somehow—either my emotions fade away, or they finally make a decision. This situation is an overwhelming storm.

Also, the nightmares are nearly constant.

To be honest, I'm taking Seroquel at 100mg to 200mg—about 1mg three times a day—along with Praxis, Normabel SR, and Coaxil.

Instead of trying to get off psychiatric meds, I've reached a point where I take them like candy just so I won't feel anything—just to escape that deep pain that makes me want to die. Sometimes those pills just turn me into a zombie. I just want to find something that keeps me protected from the pain while still allowing me to function.

Where exactly are the lesions located?.. I have some small ones in my white matter, too. These symptoms—especially the vision stuff—really point toward MS.... I don't know, if you've had a full neurological workup, maybe it's just chronic anxiety and disorders, but these medications are enough to kill a person. It's terrifying...

Multiple sclerosis isn't just about physical lesions; it’s also about the mental toll and the emotional weight. It's absolutely draining.
I honestly don't get it. I have my degree, I've always been well-presented, and I make a genuine effort to be a kind, decent person. I just don't understand.

Thanks for the response, Brenda Parker5.

Medication is honestly a nightmare. I’m going to drop the Praxiten because I can’t feel any effect from it at all. A few months ago, I was just taking Normabel to sleep, and that actually worked. I know exactly what pushed me toward these drugs: losing someone close to me, an MS treatment that failed completely, a falling out with my doctor, and having zero support from my family. On top of that, she’s busy hoping some guy will come along and take advantage of her, and now she’s stuck waiting around while he decides whether or not to tell her the truth—all because the kid is young, even though a child is always going to be small. He lied to me, saying he was single; if I had known, I never would have talked to him.

Honestly, I’m already struggling enough with my current situation as it is. Everything was finally starting to stabilize when some random person swoops in out of nowhere and takes advantage of the chaos. They see a woman who’s already down and decide that now is the perfect time to make her life even harder. It’s pretty obvious—I'm just easy prey for people like that.

I fall asleep because of the heavy dose of Xanax, which leaves me feeling totally numb. But once the medication wears off in the morning, I’m hit with this intense wave of fear—it’s a mix of panic, anxiety, and just everything at once. I’ve even had moments where I felt like I couldn't breathe. What am I supposed to do in those moments? Just take another pill?

I know I’m going to taper off the Pristiq, but I’m staying on the Coaxil and Misar. I’ve also been slowly phasing out the Quetiapine. I honestly don't know what's going to happen, but I'm going to try to face life partially without being dependent on pills.
If I tell him I’m not showing up until he cuts contact, he’ll probably never reach out again, right? It’s honestly devastating to realize that after all these years, someone you truly care about turns out to be nothing but a fraud.

Rebecca Rivera3,

It seems to me you’re starving for affection, and if you think it’s just going to be handed to you by others, all you’re going to find is heartache and disappointment. Because you're coming from such a vulnerable place, you've become easy prey for those narcissists who only care about their own gratification... It’s important to realize how rare people actually are—those willing to make sacrifices, those whose love is genuinely meant to help someone else.

Focus on yourself for a while. Heal. Learn to find that sense of love within your own soul first. Once you've cultivated that inner strength and found some actual peace... perhaps then, much further down the road, you might encounter a partner who makes the journey a little easier.

As for that guy you mentioned in your last post... he isn't a good man. Cut him loose and start a fresh chapter in your life. Good luck.

Thomas Turner2, thank you for everything. I think you're right, but fighting emotions isn't easy.

I feel like an easy target now that I've described all this; I still come across as some fragile little girl, and honestly... it's a disaster.

To be honest, part of the damage lies in the area responsible for my emotions and reasoning. Otherwise, I used to be quite socially distant, but now... I'm not. I crave attention and conversation, yet I don't know if anyone actually cares. When I got sick, so many people walked away from me, leaving me completely isolated and feeling unfulfilled as a person.

That guy isn't all bad; he just has this need to save himself. Like you said, it feels like everyone is trying to "save" themselves through me, making me an easy mark. On his own, though, he's someone who responds perfectly to me—otherwise, I wouldn't even be talking to him. I mean, our topics and interests align, but on the other hand, I don't trust him at all.
Even though he insists I come over to meet his parents and everything, which isn't a small thing, so I just don't know.

By the way, my medication has been changed.
I am now on Wellbutrin XL 150, a dopamine antidepressant for severe depression. I take 1mg of Rivotril in the morning, 1mg in the afternoon, and at night I take Normabelles—well, I'll say Normabelles because I take two or three 5mg tablets.

Currently, I am tapering off Xanax/Ativan. It's hard... just like the Prazosin. We'll see how it goes, hopefully for the best.

Tonight the restlessness caught up with me; I almost took the Ativan, and it's only been one day without it.

Thank you all for the support while I taper off these heavy doses of Ativan, Prazosin, and Quetiapine.

So, you're telling me there's NO cure for this damn disease????!!!!!

No, there are rare instances where the illness plateaus or goes dormant, leaving you feeling okay, but that’s about it.

Yesterday and today have been particularly brutal. I don't really smoke much because I don't react to it anymore—the sadness is just too heavy. I'll have some, but not too much, because it only makes me feel more depressed. The only upside is the numbness, but the problem is what happens when that numbness wears off. Once you sober up, everything resurfaces—either slowly or all at once—and you start drowning, like you're suffocating. And when that happens, you eventually have to face reality regardless of anything else; it’s just a matter of time.

And it's hard when reality itself is so grim that you can't bear to endure it.

I have to admit, I've had suicidal thoughts over the last three days. And I don't mean just passing thoughts; I mean serious ones. I've even been thinking about methods, and honestly, I'm not even afraid. My only regret is my family, whom I would be leaving behind... I don't have many, but I'm close to my mom, and I think she might die from it, though I wouldn't do it to my sister.

I know it isn't the answer, but it feels that way to me. I can't see my psychiatrist until September 30th, and I have no idea how he’s going to react when I tell him. In fact, I've been quietly considering this for two months now.

We'll see if I pull through this or decide to go through with it. My best friend did it; she simply wasn't built for this world, and it seems I'm not either. It was evident from birth. An idealistic person who strives for morality, truth, and honesty just cannot live in this world.

Anyone here dealing with schizophrenia? Just wondering what your experiences have been like. I feel like people at my job look at me like an alien or something, and honestly, I've become a bit of a laughingstock. I guess it makes me wonder if it’s even possible to hold down a job while dealing with this.

It’s possible, provided it isn't too severe and you have properly coordinated medications along with psychological support.

I’ve been trying to get myself back on track. I think I overdosed on my tabs last night, because I felt terrible this morning. Despite taking Normabest, Misara, and Quetiapine, I couldn't sleep at all... it was awful, waking up every half hour from intense nightmares.
Tonight, I took 15 or 20mg of Normabest and 2mg of Misara a little early since I can't sleep. Honestly, those non-benzodiazepines are total garbage. They create dependency and cause issues; they aren't meant for regular use, only for extreme situations, not like this.
I really want to be done with them entirely. My goal is to stick to just 1mg of Normabest before bed or perhaps a sleeping pill—I'll talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see them.

People still treat me like some kind of doll—"she's so pretty," "so lovely," blah blah... but nobody actually listens to what I say. Now I’m starting to think about just using that look to my advantage, but what's the point? I hate it when men stare at me; most of them are dumber than I am, and it's exhausting, making me regret even speaking up.

Some people target me specifically because they find me attractive, and since I'm unwell, it’s easier for them that way. But I still believe I will recover, because so far, I've achieved everything I set my mind to.

Finishing my doctorate and my specialization... I've enrolled in some courses, though things are moving a bit slowly right now, so we'll see. Everything depends on my health and how my environment treats me. I’ve seen many psychiatrists, and none of them saw any pathology in me—it's more that I'm overly idealistic about the world, which is what triggers these anxiety and depression phases.

I'm not schizophrenic, though I do have lesions in a nearby area, but I'm definitely not that.

@ Rebecca Rivera3, maybe try to just take a breath and enjoy where you are right now, rather than constantly obsessing over setting these new goals that you either can or can't reach—it won't actually make you happy because there will always be something else on the horizon.

Winning a Nobel Prize, an Olympic gold medal, or seeing your name pop up on a Forbes billionaire list are all incredible ambitions, but the reality is that they aren't attainable for everyone.
The same logic applies to things like finishing college, earning a PhD, or completing a specialized residency after graduation.

Anthony Green9 said:Anyone here dealing with schizophrenia? Just wondering what your experiences have been like. I feel like people at my job look at me like an alien or something, and honestly, I've become a bit of a laughingstock. I guess it makes me wonder if it’s even possible to hold down a job while dealing with this.

I used to hide my diagnosis like it was a state secret—honestly, I probably deserved an Oscar for my performance because I didn't have any issues for a long time. But now, I've hit a wall. I've exhausted all my options and have to apply for disability. If the medical board decides I'm unfit for work and sends me back to the agency, I'm honestly lost on who would even hire me with this diagnosis—though I truly believe I could hold down a job if it were low-stress and wasn't physically demanding. The problem is, who's going to offer me that, especially out here in a small town?
Could you tell me a bit more about what you've been through? 🤔

steelskipper9 said:I used to hide my diagnosis like it was a state secret—honestly, I probably deserved an Oscar for my performance because I didn't have any issues for a long time. But now, I've hit a wall. I've exhausted all my options and have to apply for disability. If the medical board decides I'm unfit for work and sends me back to the agency, I'm honestly lost on who would even hire me with this diagnosis—though I truly believe I could hold down a job if it were low-stress and wasn't physically demanding. The problem is, who's going to offer me that, especially out here in a small town?
Could you tell me a bit more about what you've been through? 🤔

I haven't told anyone at work about my diagnosis. It’s pretty obvious from how I act, though. People are always asking me, "to be or not to be," or if I just didn't get enough sleep. My issue isn't hallucinations or voices; it's just that my cognitive issues are pretty bad. I guess soon I won't even know what 2+2 is. I thought I could manage something easy, but even the simplest tasks feel like trying to master nuclear physics.

Anthony Green9 said:I haven't told anyone at work about my diagnosis. It’s pretty obvious from how I act, though. People are always asking me, "to be or not to be," or if I just didn't get enough sleep. My issue isn't hallucinations or voices; it's just that my cognitive issues are pretty bad. I guess soon I won't even know what 2+2 is. I thought I could manage something easy, but even the simplest tasks feel like trying to master nuclear physics.

On the surface, I look perfectly fine—but trust me, it is so much harder for me than it is for the average healthy person. I push myself so hard during my shift to make sure nobody notices anything is wrong, but by the time I clock out, I'm absolutely spent. While other people go home to cook dinner, run errands at Target, hang out with their kids, spouses, or friends, and maintain a regular social life every single day—I'm a different story. If I give it my all at work, there is nothing left in the tank; I just collapse and sleep.

steelskipper9 said:On the surface, I look perfectly fine—but trust me, it is so much harder for me than it is for the average healthy person. I push myself so hard during my shift to make sure nobody notices anything is wrong, but by the time I clock out, I'm absolutely spent. While other people go home to cook dinner, run errands at Target, hang out with their kids, spouses, or friends, and maintain a regular social life every single day—I'm a different story. If I give it my all at work, there is nothing left in the tank; I just collapse and sleep.

I guess I actually envy you. You seem pretty high-functioning despite the schizophrenia. There might be some gender differences too, since being a woman can make this affect you differently than men. Plus, meds work for some and not for others. I definitely get it, though. I can't seem to find the drive to do anything; the lack of motivation is brutal. It's a daily struggle, I suppose.

Anthony Green9 said:I guess I actually envy you. You seem pretty high-functioning despite the schizophrenia. There might be some gender differences too, since being a woman can make this affect you differently than men. Plus, meds work for some and not for others. I definitely get it, though. I can't seem to find the drive to do anything; the lack of motivation is brutal. It's a daily struggle, I suppose.

Hi there! When you use the term "high-functioning," it almost sounds like my own experience was somehow milder or easier to manage—though I’m not entirely sure that’s actually the case. I am aware of the gender disparities in how we handle this, and I personally feel that men often struggle more with the diagnosis. And, as you noted, medication efficacy varies wildly from person to person. The reality is that while some people might face only one or two hospitalizations in their entire lives, others could face thirty—so the intensity of this illness is certainly not a uniform experience. However, if someone is functioning "well"—and I use the quotes intentionally—it is usually the result of immense effort, sheer willpower, and, frankly, a fair amount of favorable circumstances. Those circumstances can shift in an instant, though; life has a way of throwing you off balance when you least expect it. Another massive factor is having a solid psychiatrist. I was lucky enough to have the same doctor from my first episode at age 26 through the next fifteen years. Because of her, I only had one other hospitalization—mostly because I stopped taking my meds after that first scare. If it weren't for her, I doubt I would have ever finished college or held onto the vision I had for my future. I was convinced I was stronger than the illness itself—and if anyone ever suspected otherwise or pointed something out, I simply refused to be pushed around. After all, everyone has bad days or moments of distraction, so why should anyone single you out just because you forgot something or seemed lost in thought? I would just push back against those comments, and honestly, I felt I had that right—given how hard I worked to stay on track, I often outperformed everyone else. I'm 46 now, and I'm currently not working. To be perfectly blunt, life hasn't turned out quite the way I envisioned—there are many reasons for that, which I won't list here—but believe me, the illness isn't the primary culprit. Still, I think it made everything so much harder; even though I resisted admitting it for a long time, it would be fair to say that I should still qualify for disability benefits as I continue this difficult journey. That said, I don't think we all need to be tossed into the social welfare system—that wouldn't be fair to many of us. Just remember one thing: prejudice can't touch you if you don't let it! ☕

Harold Anderson3, thanks for the support.
The max dose of antidepressants combined with anti-epileptics and Normabels feels like taking candy for the pain—between the physical cramps and the mental anguish, it's constant.

I should mention that I've finally stopped taking benzodiazepines, with the exception of Normabels. I am sticking strictly to my prescribed therapy, though I still have to rely on the Normabels more than I'd like.

By the way, I know you're right, Harold Anderson3, but this is just who I am. These issues are rooted in me from birth, and I can't change them. If I don't finish my medical specialization, I’ll spiral into an even deeper depression. I know that shouldn't be the case, but here we are... I suppose I've never had anything in my life besides books—knowledge and academic success. Without that, I feel empty, like an empty shell. My brain hungers for knowledge, but this illness keeps holding me back.

Regarding the topic of schizophrenia, let me clarify a bit. Some of the lesions I have are located exactly where the "trigger" for schizophrenia resides; according to Wikipedia, it's scientifically proven that people with lesions in my specific areas are highly prone to developing schizophrenia.
And yes, I have gone through intense stages of psychosis—catatonic, simplex, and everything in between—before I started targeting the actual cause. And the cause is neurological.
Since then, I haven't struggled with identity disorders or schizophrenia. But I know what it's like. I've fought hard battles and tried almost every medication out there. I'm aware it could return, though I truly hope it won't.

Right now, I'm dealing with depressive anxiety. Lately, the depressive state has been more dominant, which for me is caused by a dopamine deficiency—people with this condition simply don't have enough dopamine.
I'm taking a dopaminergic antidepressant; sometimes it worked wonders, but now... I don't know. Maybe the circumstances are too heavy, or maybe I need to add something else to the mix.

I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I used to think was totally out of my league... but honestly, I'm not feeling particularly happy. He lives in a different city, and I feel like the honeymoon phase is over because he's starting to take me for granted. I'm just not sure how to let him know that his behavior isn't okay.

I guess you could say he grew cold due to the distance. There’s an old saying—I can’t recall the exact wording right now—but I think it goes something like "out of sight, out of mind." Of course, there are exceptions... but hey, credit where credit is due. Honestly, what can I even say? We’ve all been screwed over. It doesn't even matter if the economy is heating up or freezing over when you have 70,000 people relying on social services with minimum benefits of $267. Calling that low is an understatement; it’s a total scandal. But when you actually look at the math, it's staggering how much money we're talking about for social services if everyone receives at least $267. Depending on what other entitlements they've secured, that amount could even climb to $500 per person, as far as I know. So, do the math. 70,000 people multiplied by an average of $383 equals 80.5 billion, assuming my calculator isn't lying to me...

Rebecca Rivera3 said:Harold Anderson3, thanks for the support.
The max dose of antidepressants combined with anti-epileptics and Normabels feels like taking candy for the pain—between the physical cramps and the mental anguish, it's constant.

I should mention that I've finally stopped taking benzodiazepines, with the exception of Normabels. I am sticking strictly to my prescribed therapy, though I still have to rely on the Normabels more than I'd like.

By the way, I know you're right, Harold Anderson3, but this is just who I am. These issues are rooted in me from birth, and I can't change them. If I don't finish my medical specialization, I’ll spiral into an even deeper depression. I know that shouldn't be the case, but here we are... I suppose I've never had anything in my life besides books—knowledge and academic success. Without that, I feel empty, like an empty shell. My brain hungers for knowledge, but this illness keeps holding me back.

Regarding the topic of schizophrenia, let me clarify a bit. Some of the lesions I have are located exactly where the "trigger" for schizophrenia resides; according to Wikipedia, it's scientifically proven that people with lesions in my specific areas are highly prone to developing schizophrenia.
And yes, I have gone through intense stages of psychosis—catatonic, simplex, and everything in between—before I started targeting the actual cause. And the cause is neurological.
Since then, I haven't struggled with identity disorders or schizophrenia. But I know what it's like. I've fought hard battles and tried almost every medication out there. I'm aware it could return, though I truly hope it won't.

Right now, I'm dealing with depressive anxiety. Lately, the depressive state has been more dominant, which for me is caused by a dopamine deficiency—people with this condition simply don't have enough dopamine.
I'm taking a dopaminergic antidepressant; sometimes it worked wonders, but now... I don't know. Maybe the circumstances are too heavy, or maybe I need to add something else to the mix.

I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I used to think was totally out of my league... but honestly, I'm not feeling particularly happy. He lives in a different city, and I feel like the honeymoon phase is over because he's starting to take me for granted. I'm just not sure how to let him know that his behavior isn't okay.

Rebecca Rivera3, it truly warms my heart to hear that you are feeling better. Please, do take a moment to celebrate this small victory! If we find ourselves unable to achieve massive milestones during certain seasons of our lives, shouldn't we find contentment in the smaller successes? We must never give up, nor should we ever stop striving toward those greater victories ahead.

Nicole Barrett76 said:Rebecca Rivera3, it truly warms my heart to hear that you are feeling better. Please, do take a moment to celebrate this small victory! If we find ourselves unable to achieve massive milestones during certain seasons of our lives, shouldn't we find contentment in the smaller successes? We must never give up, nor should we ever stop striving toward those greater victories ahead.

It honestly blows my mind how she’s managing to fight through two heavy diagnoses all at once.

I’m personally dealing with schizophrenia alongside some pretty intense depression, but my long-term psychiatrist has often pointed out that most of her patients don't have nearly as chaotic a home life or family dynamic as I do.

When a mental health struggle is directly tied to a difficult social or economic situation within a household, it falls under what's known as social psychiatry.

But, I’m hanging in there; I’m working, taking care of my mom, and honestly, I just don't have the bandwidth for anything beyond that right now.

Thanks for all the support, everyone. Honestly, I’m blown away by the kindness. I’m a fighter—I fall down, but I get right back up. I suppose growing up with parents who treated me more like a soldier than a child—very much that old-school military style—helped. I've become accustomed to levels of pain that no one should ever have to endure.
Still, today made me realize who I am. I am a strong person; even when I stumble, there is a deep, steady strength behind it.

As for my medication, I'm doing okay, thank God. No Xanax or anything like that, just Normabell, though I can't seem to let go of it—and even if I could, it helps with my muscle spasms since it acts as a relaxant.

My current regimen includes a heavy antidepressant and 1.5 mg of an anti-epileptic. Beyond that, it's just the neurological meds I receive while at the hospital.

Physically, I actually look good—better than I can explain. I am thin, and I try to keep up with physical therapy, though my mental state fluctuates. Right now, I'm just hoping this phase lasts.
It’s also about shifting my mindset, though emotions can still pull you under.

I completely understand what you all mean about hiding symptoms. People think it's easy to mask things, but I do the same thing—hiding both the neurological and psychological symptoms because it takes everything I have to stay strong.

They say a healthy person has a thousand wishes, but a sick person has only one.

Sometimes I feel like I’m failing myself. Despite having my degree and being able to handle situations better than most, I get so incredibly exhausted. My IQ is high, but when the lesions start acting up, everything just goes out the window.

Unfortunately, they’ve scheduled me for chemotherapy in a few months. The neurologists decided that suppressing my immune system is necessary so I can walk and move properly, though I have my doubts. I’m also still waiting on one more test result regarding a potential tumor.

Enough gloom, though. We just have to keep getting up, no matter how hard it gets, and find meaning in the little things. Try to be less self-critical. To those of you working: be proud. I'm not there yet, but I will be soon. Even just making your bed and looking around to realize you are managing despite everything—that is a success to be proud of.

You all are heroes, even if you don't feel like it. I know how heavy it feels to deal with a disability when you're young. But remember, we aren't alone; there are many of us. If we keep trying, things will slowly settle into place. Life won't be the same as it is for "healthy" people, but it will be okay. We have to accept that, and that’s fine. I envy them, too... but if this is what we were given, we have to show what we can do with it. You are all incredibly strong people, and you should be proud of yourselves. Just take it one step at a time, without setting impossible expectations.

Hi everyone.
My name is Mary. I’m looking for some help here. It feels like I’m completely alone in this struggle—dealing with schizophrenia. I have diagnoses of F20.0, F21, and I47. I’ve been dealing with suicidal ideation and have been on medication since I was twelve years old. I try so hard to push those thoughts away, but they just won't leave me alone. I hear voices, and I see shadows. The voices... they tell me to jump out the window. Part of me just wants to die on my own terms. In the past, whenever I lost control over those impulses, I ended up being hospitalized. This all traces back to when I was only six; I saw the ghost of a woman. I’ve always been withdrawn and shy. Honestly, I’m terrified of people. I feel like they can read my mind, that they're gossiping about me or even casting curses. I even feel like there are cameras hidden all over my room. Most days, I just stay in bed because I have zero willpower left. It’s like I’ve just vanished from the world.
I didn't want anyone to know all of this. But they found out. Now, I have legal guardians.
I don't have any friends, and as for having a boyfriend... well, let's just say that isn't happening.
I have a partial disability regarding my ability to work. I simply can't hold down a job.
I feel such a deep sense of shame. I'm young, yet I can't work, I can't date, and I don't have friends. I am just... alone.
How do you all manage to cope with everything?