Dating, relationships, and being real

Wait, what are we actually talking about here?

I honestly think we’re all putting on a bit of an act during those first few dates, and frankly, it’s pretty normal. You want to make a good impression, right? Nobody wants to sit down at a candlelit table with soft jazz playing in the background just to whisper, "Look, I can be a total jerk sometimes, I’m lazy as hell, I spend my entire weekends drinking beer with the guys and eating junk food, but hey, occasionally my virtues show up." It sounds ridiculous. So, yeah, we all "mask" a little at the start, but the real question is—how far are you willing to go before you’re pretending to be someone you aren't entirely? Take a simple example: if she’s obsessed with cats but you’re deathly allergic, you probably shouldn't sit there saying, "Ugh, I hate those things," but you should definitely be honest and say you're not much of a cat person because of the allergies. It’s a cliché scenario, but it applies to everything. If you don't actually like something she loves, why bother faking it? She’s going to catch on eventually—if it isn't today, it'll be in a month. It’s the same with personality traits. Hiding your flaws? Fine—you don't need to present your absolute worst self on day one. But don't go around pretending you're Superman, either. The absolute worst thing you can do is adopt that "I'll be whatever you want me to be" attitude. When you really get to know someone, trying to cater to their every whim just to please them is toxic. Just be yourself. If she likes you as a friend, maybe add a little flirting or some body language to show you're interested, and see how she reacts. If it's real, it'll work.

Kimberly Kim91 said:@urbannomad12
I can't believe it... I have to admit, looking at everything you wrote—and I mean *everything*—I see myself in it. Same principles, same mindset... I totally get where you're coming from.
It feels impossible—I've honestly never run into anyone who shares my exact perspective like this. Is there some kind of catch here?

And that’s pretty much the reality of it. Honestly, I think most guys think this way—we just pretend otherwise because we lack the guts to actually admit it (outside of this forum).

I took a break from the forum for over a month to actually test these theories out in the real world—just to see how things play out. Not to brag, obviously, but I had a few "successful" encounters while testing my ideas on dating dynamics.

Here’s what I realized: women generally categorize men into two groups. There are the short-term options, and then there are the serious prospects—the long-term guys. My issue is that when I meet a woman I truly connect with—someone I could listen to all day—she becomes a long-term prospect for me. And unfortunately, for those types of women, I usually end up being just a short-term guy.
On the flip side, there are women who are recovering from relationships with total jerks and are searching for someone "normal." For them, I would be the perfect long-term candidate.

The struggle is finding that perfect combination—meeting someone I'm genuinely attracted to who also views me as long-term material. Usually, our perspectives just don't align, so I just walk away. From here on out, I'm embracing the single life and sticking to short-term flings—whatever happens, happens. If I happen to stumble upon a long-term match where we actually see eye-to-eye, then I'll marry her. 🙏

urbannomad12 said:From here on out, I’m officially flying solo. I’m strictly looking for short-term flings—whatever happens, happens. If I happen to run into someone long-term who actually clicks with me, then fine, we get married. 🙏

That’s usually how the script plays out... 🙂

But there’s a massive catch when you approach things this way. When you narrow your focus solely to "short-term" connections, you effectively become blind to anyone who could be "long-term." It’s a classic psychological trap. Think about it: you head out on a Saturday night to a packed bar in downtown Chicago, and you’ve already decided your mission is to "score" something fleeting right then and there. Subconsciously, as you scan the room, your brain automatically filters out the women sitting quietly, deeply engaged in conversation with a friend, because they don't fit your immediate goal. Instead, your eyes hunt for the ones you assume would be down for a quick hookup tonight. Here’s the kicker: if those women *are* actually looking for something meaningful—someone to share their life and thoughts with—they aren't going to choose you. Why? Because to them, you’re just the guy looking for a quick thrill, and you simply aren't "that kind of guy." And just like that, you’re stuck spinning in a self-made loop...

Whenever I meet someone I actually like, I view them as potential long-term partner—that's my goal, anyway. Someone to share a life with. When getting to know a woman, I try to see her virtues and flaws right away. I don't believe in hiding who I am or pretending to be someone else. One-night stands just don't interest me at all; you're still alone the next day. Maybe my perspective is a bit too black and white, but that's just how I am...

A person who finds being alone boring will inevitably be just as tedious when they're actually with others—it’s just one of those things.

Honesty is a massive deal, really. Yet, it seems like people lie constantly. It’s everything from those tiny, insignificant white lies at work to much deeper deceptions within friendships or even family circles. Unfortunately, if someone can't manage to be truthful in those areas, you can't exactly expect them to be sincere in an intimate relationship either—and it’s even more problematic when that dishonesty is baked into the very beginning of a connection.
The goal should be to lead with honesty while simultaneously demanding that same level of transparency from the other person. Those who aren't capable of meeting you halfway will eventually drift away, which, honestly, is probably for the best.
That being said, being honest doesn't mean you should dump all your ridiculous frustrations on someone during a first date.
Nor does it mean laying all your cards on the table immediately (when that happened to me once, I actually felt a bit overwhelmed. It wasn't because women are supposedly drawn to "tough guys,"🙂 but rather because of that sudden, overwhelming sense of exposure—it's like hitting the gas when you don't need to... you just can't possibly recount your entire life story in a single hour). I suspect men face the exact same struggle.
I'm not entirely sure if you'll follow my train of thought here... I've grown quite accustomed to being misunderstood most of the time.😍
Take care.

urbannomad12 said:That’s basically the gist of it. Honestly, I think most guys think this way—we just play pretend because we don't have the guts to admit it. (off-forum thought)

I took over a month off from the forums to actually test some of this stuff out in the real world—you know, field research. Not to brag, but I had a few "successful" encounters while testing out some theories on dating dynamics.

And here’s what I’ve gathered. Women seem to categorize men into two buckets: the short-term guys and the long-term prospects. My issue? I meet a girl who I totally click with—someone I could listen to all day—and she’s clearly a long-term prospect for me. But unfortunately, for those types of women, I end up being just a short-term guy.
On the flip side, there are women just getting out of relationships with complete jerks who are looking for someone "normal." For them, I’d be a solid long-term prospect.

The struggle is finding that sweet spot—meeting someone I actually like who *also* sees me as long-term. Usually, our perspectives just clash, so I end up walking away. From here on out, I’m embracing the single life and just going for short-term flings—whatever happens, happens. If I run into a long-term match where we actually see eye-to-eye? Well, then I'll marry her. 🙏

You know what? You’re just overthinking it. That’s the problem—if there even is much to think about. You can't get something that isn't there. You're constantly trying to engineer different scenarios. Some people just click instantly, while others spend years searching for a soulmate. Don't sweat it. Stop overanalyzing. Why do you even care if you "click"? That's already a tactical error right there!

Just show up, talk about whatever comes to mind, and let things flow. Will she reject you? Will it be a one-night thing before she disappears? Or will it last forever? Honestly, worrying about it is pointless. Just stay ready for any outcome—because you don't get to decide for other people. You only control yourself. Be yourself, show your intentions, listen to what they want—and maybe it’ll turn out like your wildest dreams, or maybe it won't.

I say "maybe" on purpose, because that’s the whole point, Siddhartha—it's the prerequisite for having a clear mind and heart. You can paint all the pictures you want in your head, but when you're with a real person in a real situation—don't calculate, don't assume. Just be present. All you really have is that interaction in the moment—whether it's conversation, physical, or whatever else.

mellowjackal33, this is hands down the best advice I've received in a long while—it actually got me thinking. Thanks

That’s a solid point, mellowjackal33. 👍

Robert Stewart28 said:Spot on, mellowjackal33. 👍

That’s just coming from an old hand at this—yep, me. When you get tired enough, you start sensing when something isn't quite right—and that's when you change, grow, and evolve. It’s wild how life works on us. 🙂
I'm glad if any of that resonated.

I remember reading through things the same way I do now: just going post by post. Then suddenly—bam—it all feels too complicated! How did I even do that to myself? I was making things difficult for no reason—just complicating my own life. That was until I ran into a few smart people who basically told me, "Hey, you're just tripping over yourself." What? How? So then you think again, get exhausted, and just... live. Piece by piece—some dilemmas just resolve themselves once you view them from a different angle.

One catch, though: you really have to experience it firsthand. It sucks, but it's true. You can talk about things all day, but to truly "know" them—to feel it in your bones without overthinking it—that's something only life can teach you.

urbannomad12 said:mellowjackal33, seriously—that’s easily the best advice I’ve heard in a long time. It really made me stop and think. Thanks.

Since we're talking about keeping things real—let me clarify: not dumping every single thought in your head onto a girl doesn't mean you're being fake. It just means you're letting things develop at a natural pace. If you smother her with "all your baggage" right out of the gate? You've got a near 100% chance of getting ghosted immediately. She won't be able to catch her breath—even if you're the nicest guy on the planet. It’s just too much, too fast.
😍

Take it slow—there's no rush. And always go in expecting a few bumps in the road. Honestly, the odds of things hitting a snag are way higher than everything going perfectly smooth. We're all different. It’s great when those sparks eventually win out—that’s when you find a partner for the long haul, or maybe even for life. Your best bet for making it last is realizing you aren't entitled to anything. That mindset helps you wake up every morning actually appreciating both your life and what she brings to it.

Because she doesn't owe you a thing—she gives because she wants to. And it works both ways.

Then you'll actually be happy and able to say a genuine "thank you"—day in and day out. For the rest of your life, really—to her, to yourself, and to life itself—since life doesn't owe us anything either.

I used to get shut down constantly because my girlfriend would say I was basically killing her—and since I absolutely loathe talking about myself, it was a mess. I’ve tried to fix it lately; I’m still far from perfect, but I think I'm making progress. If I say something positive about myself, I come off as some arrogant jerk who can't stop bragging. But if I’m honest about my flaws, people start treating me like I’m some depressed wreck or a total psycho. So, I tried throwing in some humor—since I can actually be pretty witty when I want to be—but then it turns out people think I’m too much of a clown to take seriously. It's just one thing after another.

So, for those of you in long-term relationships—do you honestly believe you were made for each other, or is it more like everyone else is coupled up, so you might as well jump in too?

urbannomad12 said:For those of you in long-term relationships, I have a question. Do you actually believe you were made for one another... or is it just a matter of following the crowd because everyone else seems to be doing it?

I've been wondering about that too...

Robert Stewart28 said:That’s something I’ve been wondering about myself.

Yeah,
it’s a fascinating subject, if you look closely enough.
I recall seeing a similar thread once—essentially just people venting about how miserable they are while pretending everything is perfect.😈
And why is everyone so obsessed with finding "soulmates" anyway? It feels like a collective delusion.

Being alone is difficult, there's no denying that...
but then again, someone once told me that life is simply easier when there's a second person to share the burden.😢

urbannomad12 said:I used to deal with this weird pushback where girls would tell me I was basically killing them because, honestly, I just hate talking about myself. I’ve tried to course-correct lately, and while I’m still far from perfect, it feels like I’m making some headway. The problem is, if I say anything positive, I come off as this massive narcissist who can’t stop bragging. But if I get real and admit where I’m falling short, suddenly I’m some depressed wreck or a total psycho. So, I tried throwing in some humor to balance things out—because, let's face it, my sarcasm is pretty sharp—but then people think I’m never serious and that there's no depth to me. It’s just one endless loop of "this and that."

It really all boils down to one thing— what exactly are you saying when you talk about yourself?!
You aren't being a braggart or a freak if you just share your values, your goals, or what you actually care about... there’s nothing "boastful" or "self-deprecating" about that. If you go on a rant about how amazing, worthy, or brilliant you are, then yeah, you’re definitely bragging. But if you just describe situations where you happened to act with integrity or intelligence... well, it doesn't sound nearly as obnoxious. At least, that’s my take on it. Everything depends on the nuance of how you frame your own story.

urbannomad12 said:I used to get shut down constantly because my girlfriend would say I was killing the mood—and I honestly hate talking about myself. I’ve tried to find a middle ground, and while I’m not exactly an expert yet, I feel like I’m making progress. It's a catch-22, really. If I talk about my wins, I come off as some arrogant jerk who won't stop bragging. If I admit where I struggle, people treat me like I'm spiraling or being too dark. So, I tried adding some humor to lighten things up—which is my go-to move—but then suddenly I'm seen as someone who can't take anything seriously. It's just one cycle after another.

So, for those of you in long-term relationships—do you actually believe you were made for each other, or is it just a case of staying with someone because everyone else is doing it?

No way. Why even bother? You need enough self-love to actually feel like you deserve affection in the first place... if that's missing, the relationship dies. Honestly, without that foundation, there isn't even a relationship to speak of—so why stay together at all? 😕

I’ve never been interested in a "relationship" that doesn't actually feel like one. That’s just absurd. It’s either a real connection or it isn’t. Sure, it can be high-quality one day and totally chaotic the next—but there has to be a real bond and that "spark." Staying together just for the sake of it? That’s nothing. 👎

In my book, it's better to just have casual flings, or even stay single, until you actually find something that fulfills you.

[I used to get shut down constantly because my girlfriend would say I was being too self-deprecating—and honestly, I hate talking about myself. I’ve been trying to find some middle ground lately—it’s a work in progress, for sure—but I feel like I’m making some headway. It’s a total catch-22, though. If I talk about my wins, I come off as an arrogant jerk who won't stop bragging. If I’m honest about where I’m struggling, I end up sounding like a total depressive or just plain unstable. So, I tried adding some humor into the mix—since I can be pretty quick-witted—but then people think I never take anything seriously and that I'm impossible to have a real conversation with. It's just one thing after another.
QUOTE]

You want a single, universal standard? — Sorry to break it to you, but there isn't one. 😍

Finding someone who actually shares your vision and needs—it’s a tough nut to crack. And let’s be real—you need that spark, too. Without the chemistry, you haven't found a partner; you've just found a great friend.

Look, this isn't even about you—it’s just about how the projections stack up against the actual goal. You can't really compare that to a marketing strategy used to push a new product out the door. At least, not after the first two or three dates. And that's exactly what you're doing.

When you're really going all-in—like when you decide to make a move—you aren't thinking, "I just want a girlfriend." It’s more like, "I want to be with *you* specifically." Simple as that.

P.S. I noticed that classic "it's all about me" mindset—talking about oneself this way, then that way. Why worry so much about what *you* need? It’s on you to ask her about her—to actually listen—and to let her know what your own needs are, too. You should also expect her to be upfront about what she likes, dislikes, or requires from you. It’s all about the interaction. Think of it like this: if the core attraction in a relationship is how two people recognize and meet each other's needs, then the "glue" that holds everything together is *how* those needs are actually met. If you figure out that the needs exist, and if the way you exchange them—meeting each other's requirements—is right (and yeah, that applies to everything from intimacy to spiritual connection, not just sex)—then BINGO. You've hit the jackpot.

Looking at this from a "strategic" standpoint—you’re constantly playing defense. That’s usually a tell for low self-esteem. Why on earth should everything you do have to cater to her? You’ve gotta show some backbone—I mean, surely you have your own standards and deal-breakers too. Anyone with actual criteria actually carries some weight—they have a sense of self—it’s pretty basic psychology, really. Taking that stance right out of the gate—without making a huge production of it—shows her she’s sitting across from a real person with an identity, not just some sponge that shifts shape whenever she applies pressure. Even if you end up being wrong sometimes, she’ll accept it—because healthy relationships are all about that back-and-forth exchange, the good and the bad. And hey, if she’s looking for some Prince Charming on a white horse? Let her look. She isn't going to find him here. Eventually, she'll have to adjust her expectations—but by then, that won't be your problem anymore.

Girls will probably pick up on that insecurity—it’s like this hovering, undecided energy that makes your character seem totally undefined. It isn't just what you say, either—it's your gaze, how you move, even your facial expressions. Everything gets recorded—both consciously and subconsciously.

Honestly, you might want to hold off on overanalyzing this one—specifically how you even got started. If you dive too deep into that, you’re just going to end up spinning your wheels and getting tangled up like a kid lost in a corn maze.

A lack of "self" really messes with your sex life, too. Think about it—you might be attracted to someone just because they have a great body. But once you actually get intimate, you start craving that extra spark—the kind that comes from who they are as a person, their actual "self." For a real connection to happen, you need two distinct individuals—two separate "selves"—in the room. It’s like physics—it's only when those two units collide that you get actual force and interaction.

If your sense of self is weak—if you don't really stand for anything—then interpersonal connections just sort of drift right past you. It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. But if that "self" is too volatile or poorly defined? That’s a whole different mess. You end up with these erratic energy bursts that snap in every direction at once—lots of noise, but zero impact. It’s all scattered and aimless because you're constantly flipping between extremes—and honestly, who could actually make sense of that?

It could also work the other way around—you end up with this rigid, unyielding sense of self. It’s like being stuck in a permanent defensive crouch—you're just too stiff to actually connect with anyone or have a real, meaningful interaction.

Let’s be clear here—there is no magic bullet. There's no single "golden rule" that fixes everything. The answer is always going to be somewhere in the middle—it’s all about finding that sweet spot where different influences balance out. Right now, you’re probably just swinging between two extremes—which, honestly, is totally normal when you're growing up—especially during those teenage years and early adulthood. It's just part of the process.

Honestly? It’s nothing tragic—just one of those things everyone goes through at some point.