Taylor Campbell4
Regular
369 messages
joined Jul 2009
Some people cry, others get angry—everyone reacts differently. Ultimately, it all comes down to emotional regulation, at least from my perspective. Since you mentioned that you tend to cry when someone "hurts you emotionally," we’re talking strictly about feelings here.
I haven't had the chance to read every single detail—shame on me—but I believe it's vital to try and identify exactly what you're feeling the moment the tears start. It might be tied to self-pity or something similar; usually, it’s a web of things—say, a sense of helplessness leading to self-pity, which then triggers the fear that sits at the core of it all.
It's really about that inability to manage emotions, whether they manifest as crying, anger, or something else entirely.
When I talk about control, I don't mean suppressing them, nor am I suggesting you just vent them out. (I think psychologists might call this "processing"—that's the term I'm aiming for.) I'm not sure how much this interferes with your daily life, but since you decided to start this thread, it probably does. You should probably work a little on that regulation.
How? Well, I'm certainly no psychologist, and I don't know the exact clinical terminology, but I once heard from a colleague—he's in a completely different field, but he is a licensed therapist—about a specific psychological school of thought centered on emotional awareness. I've forgotten most of what he told me—it was some newer movement, I think—but the gist remains.
Regardless, I am fairly convinced the core principle is the same.
A person needs to remain observant and notice when these intense emotions arise (the ones that trigger those various reactions). You have to catch them. Once you notice them, you've already created a distance; you aren't as fused with the emotion anymore. From there, you aim for indifference. Don't struggle against it, don't suppress it, and don't justify it. Try to shift the issue to a purely mental level.
Once you reach a state of indifference toward the feeling (which requires you to first observe and become aware of it), an indifferent stance means you aren't feeding it attention. You aren't trying to crush it, excuse it, or keep it alive. The emotion simply fades away—you could say it starves to death because it lacks the "food" of your attention and energy.
Give it a shot; you'll see it works, though it does take some practice. **
Various meditation techniques or similar practices can be quite helpful here.
Anyway, that was my layman's diagnosis and remedy. 🙂
**On the flip side, if you don't even notice the feeling (and you have to be fully conscious to catch it), you have zero control over it. In that case, the emotion carries you along or exerts a powerful influence over you. If you suppress it, the feeling only grows stronger. If you "justify" it—for example, if you get angry because your neighbors are being too loud, and you spend the whole time ruminating on how disrespectful, primitive, and inconsiderate they are for making such noise—you are simply feeding that anger with extra attention. The result is the same as before: the anger just keeps escalating.
The only way out is to notice the anger and say to yourself, "Okay, I am feeling angry right now." By doing that, you've already achieved a certain distance. You become capable of looking at the cause of the anger rationally and either ignoring it or taking action regarding the actual problem—in this case, the noise—while giving the anger itself no attention. Eventually, it just dissipates.
When a person doesn't even perceive the emotion, they become one with it. That is a form of attachment, a lack of freedom. The emotion runs the show—whether it's anger, self-pity, or the conviction that you are absolutely right.
