Is he a critic?

Niobe said:I also don't feel any need to point out to people that their chest is too small or their butt is too big, unless they directly ask for my opinion—because honestly, anyone can spout that kind of nonsense. But people actually do it; they think they have the right to shove their "flaws" in everyone else's faces just to act like some big shot in front of the group at the local pub.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about 👍

Well, it’s not just in front of the group, it’s probably even in front of herself, I guess 🙄

In my case, this woman loves airing dirty laundry in front of others. Every time I walk into a room full of her friends, everyone already has an opinion on me—usually a negative one. I know this because I hear how she talks about other people.

And don't even get me started on the total lack of respect she has for me and the choices I make. It's just constant criticism, criticism, criticism... trying to fix my life, making judgments based purely on her own gut feeling, being so incredibly blunt and categorical... ugh, god... And then I think to myself, man, if this person were actually a close friend, maybe I could overlook it all, but since she isn't, why should I deal with it???

And she keeps calling me. Seriously, she’s reached out a few times now, and I can't keep making up excuses forever. She’s already starting to figure things out because she’s been asking around about me with other people, too. I know, you guys are going to tell me I should just be blunt with her, but I can't, because I really don't believe anyone deserves to hear something like, "Look, stop calling me, I don't want us to hang out this much anymore." I don't want to cut her out of my life entirely, but rather—again, I repeat—I want her to hopefully realize, without too much drama, that we aren't actually close friends, because we aren't. And yeah, I definitely don't want to be the target of her "designer whims" 🙄 And I want to do all of this without bruising anyone's ego 😁

That's why I'm asking about the psychology behind critics and judges, hoping it might help me figure out the right way to handle this.

Niobe said:lol spike, look, it’s not even about whether I know how to fix it or if I actually can 😉
I was just making an observation about how some people just dive headfirst into arguments or feel this desperate need to explain themselves when they really don't need to at all in their lives 😉

Yeah, that’s exactly how I used to play it..
used to play it..
used to play it...

for a long time.

But now? I just can't. 🙂 It'll literally kill you, whether you want it to or not..

I mean, I tell myself, "Whatever, I'll just let her be, it's not worth the energy"... And then you just let it go, and let it go, and let her keep talking trash and criticizing, and eventually, the whole thing just drives you absolutely insane.

restlessmarlin6 said:Honestly, I have no idea how to bring her down a notch without causing a massive scene...

Just tell her straight up that everything she does is getting on your nerves.
I mean, really, how can you expect anyone to actually change or even realize they're being difficult if nobody ever calls them out on it?

She’ll probably get defensive, act all high and mighty, and start criticizing you instead. Boom—there you go. Once she starts lecturing you about how you don't have the right to speak up, just point that out too.
If she actually takes a beat and stops being so stubborn, don't backtrack or go apologizing for being blunt. Instead, just explain how much it actually affects you every single time.
Maybe then it'll sink in.

restlessmarlin6 said:Has anyone ever actually "dumped" a friend or an acquaintance? 🙂

Twice.
Once with one Sarah, and once with another Sarah.

Larry Cruz51 said:Just tell her straight up—tell her everything she does that gets under your skin.
I mean, how can you actually expect someone to change or even realize they have a flaw if nobody ever calls them out on it?

She’ll probably stick her chin up, swallow her pride, get all defensive, and start criticizing you... and then boom, there you go! Once she starts acting like you don't even have a right to speak, call her out on that immediately.
If she actually takes a step back and stops being so relentless, don't you dare take back what you said just to apologize. Instead, tell her exactly how you feel every single time you deal with her like this.
Maybe she'll finally get it.
Twice.
Once for one person, and once for another.

I totally agree with you, and honestly, I'm owning that as a huge mistake on my part. Most people I'm close to can handle me being blunt, but with her, it was always a struggle. I don't think it's really about me or her specifically; it's just—that's just how it is.

Thanks for the deep dive, 👍 it might actually work. Though, I think she definitely realizes by now that keeping some distance is probably the smartest move. She's smart, so I wasn't really expecting her not to catch on.

Spike said:I'm here 😁

Why do people take criticism so freaking hard? Like, they act like it's some massive personal attack. Honestly, when I call someone out and they get all sensitive about it, I just shut them down before they can even try to come at me. It's pretty obvious they're just struggling with their own confidence and self-image. So, I guess one way to really test someone's character is 😉

man, your take is total garbage

so, how you feeling now? 😁

Based on Transactional Analysis, that individual primarily operates from a Critical Parent ego state. Why they ended up that way is a different conversation altogether...

Can you explain what you mean? 🙂

Niobe said:and people actually do this—they act like they have the right to shove everyone else's "flaws" right in their faces just to look cool in front of the crowd at the local bar.

I used to have a friend exactly like this. Honestly, it wasn't even just about looking tough at the pub... if anything, the critiques got way more intense and mocking when she'd drop them in front of my boyfriend, my buddies, or coworkers; and half the time, the stuff she said was just straight-up nonsense. Like, for every single thing—even for people way older and more experienced than her—she had some "expert" advice on how to handle life, and she’d mock anyone who didn't follow it. She constantly acted like she was an expert on everything, though, I guess, when it actually came down to applying any of that knowledge, she was all talk and no action.

I didn't really call her out on it or hold it against her too much (even though she definitely knew how to trigger certain people with her comments), mostly because I figured she was just young and insecure. Maybe she was trying to build some kind of persona or whatever in our social circle, plus I get that some people are just born being critics...

Anyway, one time I mentioned something about her at what was obviously the wrong moment—like, in front of the wrong group—not that I meant anything bad or lied about anything, just... yeah. She immediately shut me down, claiming "she has no idea who I really am" and saying "we can't be friends anymore." 😲

vividtiger7 said:Basically, there was this one time I mentioned something about her at—obviously—the worst possible moment, like, in front of the wrong crowd. And look, I wasn't being malicious or anything; I didn't say anything mean or even factually incorrect. But she just shut me down instantly, claiming that "she has absolutely no idea who I really am" and that "we just can't hang out anymore." 😲

Sounds all too familiar 🙂
I have a feeling my story is going to end up exactly the same way. So, I’m avoiding her, I’m not reaching out, and I’m just spending my time with people who actually deserve it right now. It wouldn't even be surprising if she eventually cuts me off 🙂 If she hasn't already? 🤔 😁

And you know what? Even if that happens, I’ll honestly feel a sense of relief 🙂 In a way.

Tristram, isn't that just such a shitty feeling?? You spend all this time walking on eggshells and accommodating them, only to end up being cast as the villain in the end??? 🤣

Truthfully, I've spent so much time wondering if I’m actually as perfect as I think I am... and I've decided that in my own world, I am. Maybe not in hers, but I matter more to myself, so... I think I've come out on top. 🙂

restlessmarlin6 said:Sounds familiar. 🙂
vividtiger7, isn't that just the worst feeling ever?? Like you spend all this time being super accommodating, and then out of nowhere, you end up looking like the villain. 🤣

Man, believe me, I was totally blindsided. I honestly had no clue what I’d even done wrong; and even if I had, I would've just apologized and figured things would smooth over eventually—I mean, we used to be tight, right?

Plus, it was extra embarrassing because she (obviously) totally blew up at me—like, throwing a ton of shade and being super loud about it—right in front of everyone. I almost started crying and just stormed out of there...
Later on, I actually found myself wondering if she really cut me off for good or if she was just putting on a massive show for the group...

👋

vividtiger7 said:Believe me, I was genuinely blindsided by it. I honestly had no idea what I’d done so wrong; and even if I had, I would have apologized and expected us to work through it eventually—I mean, we used to be such close friends.

On top of that, I felt so humiliated because she (of course) totally threw me under the bus (with a mountain of criticism, shouted loud enough for everyone to hear) right in front of the whole group, nearly made me cry, and then made this huge dramatic exit from the room....
For a while after that, I actually found myself wondering if she really had cut me out of her life for good, or if it was all just some big performance for the crowd...

👋

Hmmm.. well, that's exactly what I'm chewing on—some statement from you that seems totally harmless might sound incredibly heavy to her. 😲

I bet that everything bothering me about my friend wouldn't even register as a minor issue to her... She’d probably just label me as crazy if I tried to explain it to her. 😁 Maybe I will one day.

Anyway, it all boils down to the fact that maybe it's better if you don't see each other anymore since you clearly just don't get each other... There are people I hang out with where I don't end up in these kinds of clashes, and I don't walk away feeling terrible or suffocated after grabbing coffee or hanging out.

Regarding your friend—maybe it *was* an act? It's possible, and you know her, so you can tell if that's her style. Still, to me, her reaction doesn't seem particularly sane, if nothing else; I mean, you know who the stable one is in this whole situation. 🙂

According to Karen Horney, that specific Critical Parent persona falls under what’s known as the anal type—if you catch my drift. I’d really suggest picking up her book, The Neurotic Personality of Our Time... For anyone just starting out, these sadistic traits align pretty closely with what she describes.

Sophia Williams said:According to Karen Horney, that hyper-critical personality type actually falls under what's called the anal type. I’d definitely suggest picking up her book, "The Neurotic Personality of Our Time." Honestly, looking at those sadistic traits, they seem pretty much in line with what was being described here.

Finally, I think I've found something that actually gets close to the answer I was hunting for. 👋 Thank you, thank you, thank you! 😉

restlessmarlin6 said:Finally, something that actually gets close to what I was looking for. 👋 Thanks, thanks, thanks! 😉

I wouldn't go so far as to call her a total sadist. 🤣 That feels a bit too dramatic; she’s more just a boring vampire. 😉 😁 😁

Don't let yourself get played, Til. 🙂

I’m not playing games here. The actual title of the book is The Neurotic Personality of Our Time, and you can grab the translation through Interlibera.com—it's available in standard American English...

Sophia Williams said:I’m not out here messing with anyone.

I mean, I didn't tell her she shouldn't let you mess with her, just that she should stop letting that bloodsucker of hers get to her! 😁 😁

That’s it. It's over. 🙂

I don't mean that literally, it's more like... in my head, 🙏
One step forward. 👍 I feel so strong... 🙂

My apologies. Just some self-criticism on my part... 😁 😁

Radikalni said:your take sucks...

how's that working out for you? 😁

Even better.

Since you can't actually explain why my take is bad—and since your level of conversation is honestly bottom-tier with zero arguments—it’s actually true. My stance is the opposite of yours. It's actually great.

😎 😁