Life... is just life.

I received a rather friendly email the other day... and regardless of how much mockery was intended... it is unsettling just how much truth lies within its words...

I feel as though I am standing on the very edge of a precipice—and my head feels wrapped in thick fog... I feel like I am slowly slipping... descending into some sort of abyss where the bottom is nowhere in sight... and there are no handholds nearby to catch myself... or perhaps I am simply too terrified to open my eyes and realize there *is* something to hold onto... or maybe—and this is the darker thought—perhaps I don't actually want to?

It should be simple... everything ought to be fine... but it isn't... and frankly, even I can't quite put my finger on why... yet something deep inside knows exactly why I feel this way—it’s maddening—trying to grasp at the root of this internal knot when I can't seem to reach it...

I cannot tell if I am afraid because I am forced to step into the unknown... or if I am afraid simply because I have to move at all... because staying where I am isn't an option anymore—though I am painfully aware that staying still is impossible... God, I don't even know what it is I truly want... sigh...

But, returning to that email...
This sensation has been shadowing me for some time now... largely because I’ve undergone a massive life shift... and perhaps this state of mind is perfectly normal... but it irritates me... it gnaws at me from the inside out...

And then it hits me... if I weren't feeling this irritation... then I would know that I didn't truly care... if I didn't cry... if I didn't grieve... if I didn't understand the meaning of love... then I wouldn't be human... but since all these things exist within me... then I must find happiness... because I do love... I am human... and I care...

Of course, it takes time to convince oneself of such truths... but all of this collectively... tells me that I am alive... because without all this chaos and mess... I would be a dead man walking... and even though I feel spiritually depleted... it actually grants me strength... because I know I am living... that I want something better... and I am striving toward it... with every fiber of my being...

So... there I go... rambling about things that even I struggle to comprehend... but I felt the need to declare it... for my own sake... and hopefully, for yours as well...👋

Ethan Ortiz83 said:and then it hits me.......that if I didn't get worked up......then I'd know I didn't actually care......if I didn't cry......I'd know I wasn't really human......if I didn't grieve....I'd know I didn't understand how to love....but since all those things are part of who I am............then I have to be happy...because I love......I am human.........I give a damn.........

but it takes some serious time to really convince yourself of that truth......but all of this together...it tells me that I'm alive...because without all this chaos and bullshit.......I'd just be a dead man walking.......and even though I feel spiritually drained right now.......it actually gives me strength...because I know I'm living....that I want better for myself......and I'm chasing it..with everything I've got, heart and soul.......

.......I don't know, I can only guess what the actual, single biggest issue is....the real question is just how much longer you're gonna stay stuck in this headspace and whether you've actually got the grit to endure it.
......you seriously need to talk to someone about this...otherwise you're just gonna keep spinning your wheels in circles, because it's pretty obvious you don't have enough confidence or the sheer willpower to trust the answers to the questions that keep popping up in your head.
.....if you catch a glimpse of a positive way out somewhere deep in the fog of your own mind, just make the call and take that path...nobody else is ever going to tell you what the truth is or what the right move is besides yourself.

...good luck, man.

PS....cut back on that *green hobby* of yours by at least 70%.

Ethan Ortiz83 said:.......I don't know, I can only speculate on what the actual, singular issue is....the real question is how much longer you intend to remain in this current state, and whether you actually possess the stamina to endure it.
......you really ought to talk this out with someone...otherwise, you’re just going to end up spinning your wheels in place—it's clear you lack the self-assurance and the sheer willpower required to trust the answers to your own questions as they manifest in your mind.
.....if you catch a glimpse of a positive solution somewhere deep in the fog of your own consciousness, just make the call and take that path...no one else is going to hand you the truth or point toward the right solution; that realization can only come from within.

...good luck, my friend.

PS....cut back on that *green hobby* of yours by at least 70%.

thanks, pal.........and as for the green hobby.......I won't be doing more.....but I won't be doing less either.😁

kegi said:Thanks, man... and as for that whole green hobby thing... I'm done with it, but I'm definitely not backing down either.😁

That little smiley face is way too soft for this, you gotta throw in a knockout punch icon... honestly though, how do you expect to actually tackle life's problems when you can't even turn *that* down?

Look, once you actually decide to grow a backbone and start sticking to those new resolutions you keep talking about—assuming you ever actually make them—that’s when things are finally going to get easier for you.

Just imagine if all these big ideas you have for your future business are nothing more than pipe dreams because you’re out here acting like your life is some kind of simulation instead of actually happening to you right now, so you better WAKE UP!!!!!!!

Ethan Ortiz83 said:That little smiley face you used—the one implying a certain... physical intimacy—is far too mild. You’re missing the knockout punch. Honestly, how do you expect to tackle any real-world obstacles if you can't even manage to dial back *that* part of yourself?

...once you actually decide to become a man of substance—and I mean truly commit to these "new resolutions" of yours (assuming you ever find the willpower to make them)—that is when life becomes manageable.

P.S... just consider the possibility that your grand visions for this future business venture are nothing more than idle fantasies. How on earth do you plan to transition those dreams into reality if you're acting like your own life is some sort of simulation? Like it isn't actually happening to you? WAKE UP!!!!!!!

Words are superfluous...👍 🙏 😘

Ethan Ortiz83 said:this whole thing goes without saying........👍 🙏 😘

but look, we’re diving back into this tomorrow or by Monday at the latest because just saying "it goes without saying" isn't cutting it, so you’re gonna have to give me a real, deep answer and make a serious commitment to yourself to actually fix the situation you've found yourself in.....

😘

Hey Ethan Ortiz83, how’s everything going?

Anything new on your end?

You finally up yet? 🙂

Jeffrey Taylor3 said:Hey, how’s it going?

Anything new under the sun?

Are you even awake yet? 🙂

Ah... I appreciate the concern, colleague... truly... but at the moment, I am far too preoccupied with actual work to indulge in any sort of meaningless, performative sympathy! 👋

I... honestly... don't know... why my post... has so many... ellipses...

Bradley Ramos11 said:I... I just don't... understand... why my posts... have so many... ellipses...

I’ve realized something about myself—a rather grim realization, really—that whenever I am spiraling... when I am feeling deeply insecure and drowning in my own self-pity... I find myself nitpicking every little mistake someone else makes. It's a defense mechanism, I suppose. I tear at others just to feel a momentary sense of superiority—as if by shouting down some stranger, I can somehow balance the scales against a world that seems hell-bent on constantly pushing me around... 🙂

Ethan Ortiz83 said:.....it’s just not right having someone constantly riding my back.....🙂

hehehe, obviously it isn't fair, especially since you're basically the king of being a total jerk😉....I see you decided to toss those *dark vibes* aside for a bit today, so you better start stacking up all that good energy now so things feel a little easier on you later on

👋

Ethan Ortiz83 said:Heh... of course it isn't fair—not when you're the biggest jerk in the room 😉... I see you've decided to cast aside those *dark thoughts* for once; better start hoarding up some positive energy now so you don't run dry later.

👋

Heh... well, I actually enjoy the conflict... I wouldn't want to live without being a nuisance... and if people didn't get worked up about it... I'd probably hate myself.😁

Anyway, it's a new day... the rain is coming down... everything is gray and overcast... exactly how I like it... which is precisely why I'm in such high spirits.👋

Ethan Ortiz83 said:Heh... I guess I just enjoy the chaos... I wouldn't want to live without my flaws, or have people get upset about them... I'd be miserable...😁

Anyway, it's a new day... rain is falling... everything is grey and overcast... exactly how I like it... which is why I'm actually in a decent mood today...👋

🙂 😘
It seems some things never change
Some people just seem to go in circles forever
Taking ownership of your own life and actually standing by your choices... that’s what growing up looks like for someone like Ethan Ortiz83...

monique said:🙂 😘
it seems some things are eternally static—stuck in amber, if you will.
I see certain people just spinning their wheels in an endless, repetitive loop.
Making actual decisions about one's own existence—and then actually having the backbone to stand by them—is a fundamental part of growing up...

But why bother changing? I’ve never had much taste for it... those people who are constantly reinventing themselves... they lack a core, frankly. A soul. As for me, I have been the exact same person from the moment I took my first breath until this very second... haha...
It is good to see your words appearing on my screen again... it has been quite some time since I last had the pleasure of reading them.
As for decisions... well, I’ve made mine, and I am sticking to them... at least for the time being.😁 And as for this rambling mess I've typed out... ah... you know how I am... I suppose I simply have to let these dark, twisted thoughts wander through my mind occasionally... it’s the only thing that keeps the gears turning, in a way.👋