Arguments with my girlfriend

Sorry for the long post upfront. Honestly, I’m at my wit's end—I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and frankly, I'm not even sure what's actually happening here. I just want to provide as much insight as possible for anyone who has the energy to read this and might be able to help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now—she's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.
I’d say my feelings haven't changed since the day we met—at least on my end. I don't think there’s anything I wouldn't do for her, and I truly believe I've never done anything to hurt her. We spend most of our time together and share everything; it's always been that way. Even if we happen to go out separately, it usually ends with one of us feeling pretty bad, so we're constantly checking in on each other to make sure everything is okay. Sure, we clash over little things here and there, but we usually smooth that stuff over pretty quickly.

What really scares me, though, are those moments where everything just suddenly explodes and I find myself right in the middle of a literal war zone.

I get that we're both under massive amounts of stress—money, work, college, all that—but I can't make sense of how she acts when things spiral out of control. She starts screaming and smashing things, and if I try to approach her, she turns on me. She’s especially prone to biting—so I won't even count the number of bites, scratches, and bruises I've ended up with after one of these "sessions." I have never once approached her with any intention of hurting her; I'm just trying to restrain her so she doesn't destroy the little bit of stability we've managed to build, and so she isn't running through the apartment building or the neighborhood screaming—there's zero aggression intended. I'm just trying to hug her so she stops flailing her arms, or sit/lie down with her so she stops hurting herself. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, the struggle just keeps going.
Her screaming... honestly, it terrifies me. Her face contorts until she doesn't even look like herself, and she screams so loud I feel like my eardrums might actually burst. I don't understand why the cops haven't shown up at our door yet, because if I heard someone screaming like that, I'd think someone was being murdered or tortured. After the initial stage—the breaking things, the screaming, and the wrestling around the apartment—she usually collapses onto the floor, or occasionally the bed or couch, and goes into some kind of lotus position. For the first two seconds, I'm relieved because she’s stopped raging and screaming; but then she starts rocking back and forth and chanting something, which just triggers another wave of panic for me because I have no idea what's happening to her or what to do. At that point, I try to coax her to sit on a chair, the couch, or the bed so we can talk like adults; it rarely works the first time, but eventually, she moves somewhere "normal" so we can attempt a conversation. I always make sure to stay at least 2 or 3 feet away from her and ensure there's "open space for an escape route"—because in those moments, she's actually afraid of me (I'll get back to that). We spend the first 20 minutes just trying to de-escalate, which gets lost in her rocking and chanting, her catching single words, the occasional scream, and constant attempts to flee the situation. Only then can we actually talk, mostly because we're both completely exhausted by that point (we're talking about an hour of "fighting" before we hit this stage).

Afterward, she claims she barely remembers half of it and perceives everything as me being aggressive toward her. She doesn't remember the parts where she's smashing things; she only remembers the moments I try to hold her back, which she views as an attack. She doesn't remember the rocking or the chanting or any of that. And almost every single thing I say is interpreted as verbal abuse. A few times I tried recording her on my phone to show her later what I was talking about (since she insists I'm making it up or trying to make her look crazy), and once I actually succeeded and showed her the video, she just broke down crying and apologizing. Of course, it happened again. Same exact thing.

I know maybe I should just let her smash things and walk out of the apartment, but I can't leave her wandering the neighborhood in that state—someone could easily jump her, and more than that, I'm terrified she'll hurt herself. I also can't just let her wreck the little bit of stuff we've worked so hard to afford through sacrifice, because in the end, she'll just bitch at me for not stopping her.

It either happens late at night when we’re both exhausted—for instance, she gets annoyed because I’m tossing and turning in bed (look, when I'm burnt out, falling asleep is a struggle, and I’ve always been a restless sleeper)—but then she won't let me just crash on the couch because apparently, we *have* to sleep together no matter what. If I actually try to move to the couch, she just follows me. Or there's the other thing where we can't reach an agreement—well, we "agree," but then she forgets, or doesn't take it seriously, or claims she didn't hear me, or thought I meant something else entirely. So I'm standing there like an idiot waiting, or I'm driving around looking for her because I'm supposed to pick her up, but she's headed in the complete opposite direction and I'm left wandering around like a fool. It’s honestly infuriating because she’s constantly glued to her phone—scrolling Facebook, messaging, all that mindless stuff—yet suddenly, in these moments, she never hears a word I say. It drives me crazy knowing she hasn't let go of that device for a second.

I honestly don't get what's going on anymore or where the breakdown is. I've overanalyzed my own actions a thousand times—and look, I'm not saying everything I've done was perfect—but I truly feel like I did the best I could in those situations. I have no clue how to help her, or even myself.

P.S. It’s not like we’re fighting 24/7. We’ll clash maybe two or three times in a few days, and then things are fine for months. Those quiet months give me this... I don't know, false sense of hope? Like we finally moved past this and everything is fine, and then—out of nowhere—it’s a total massacre again.

I probably missed something important because I'm honestly losing my mind right now. Just ask away and I'll answer. Thanks.

Has she always been this way, or is this recent behavior...

Look, you both probably need to see a specialist together. A doctor really ought to sit down with her—and honestly, with you too, since she clearly isn't grasping the impact of her actions. Is that something you can manage? What you’re describing isn't just a minor hiccup; it's far from normal...

Michelle Evans said:Has she always been this way, or is this recent behavior...

Look, you both probably need to see a specialist together. A doctor really ought to sit down with her—and honestly, with you too, since she clearly isn't grasping the impact of her actions. Is that something you can manage? What you’re describing isn't just a minor hiccup; it's far from normal...

It’s always been like this, just less frequent (though we didn't live together constantly, so naturally, there was less overlap). Honestly, if things ever got that intense while we were alone somewhere, I’d probably just grab my car keys and climb a tree to watch what happens from a safe distance. 😁 It usually ends with her begging me to come down after about 15 minutes once she regains some common sense.

I barely managed to talk her into seeing the campus counselor we had access to through college. Every single time I tried to actually discuss this stuff, she’d just expertly dodge the conversation.

I’m just gonna throw this out there since nobody else seems to be giving a coherent answer... Is it possible she’s just an ultra-sensitive person who takes everything way too hard? I know I am. I tend to bottle up all my frustrations for ages, trying to play it cool because I know if I actually started snapping at people, I’d look like a total lunatic.
Then something happens—in my case, there’s usually one specific person who constantly pushes me right to the edge. I try to hold it together, which just makes the frustration and negative energy build up even more until I finally just snap.
When I blow up, it turns into some insane swearing 🤣 and I start tearing into that person. Honestly, part of me wants to get physical or smash stuff, though thank God I’ve never actually gone that far; I always manage to restrain myself. But when the dam breaks, the curses just fly out of my mouth like I’m possessed by some demon. It’s just pure, unadulterated venting. 😠 Maybe she’s dealing with the same thing? Maybe something pushed her over the limit after she’d been stacking up enough "material" to explode.
That whole scene of her sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and chanting to herself... it looks to me like she’s experiencing some kind of release, like she's desperately trying to find her center again.
The big question now is what actually set her off. Was it something tiny, like someone leaving a dirty dish in the sink, or was it something genuinely massive?

It took everything I had just to get her to see the counselor at our university. Every time I tried to bring it up, she’d skillfully dodge the conversation...

And what was the counselor's take on it?

Aaron Jackson3 said:I’m just gonna throw this out there since nobody else seems to be giving a coherent answer... Is it possible she’s just an ultra-sensitive person who takes everything way too hard? I know I am. I tend to bottle up all my frustrations for ages, trying to play it cool because I know if I actually started snapping at people, I’d look like a total lunatic.
Then something happens—in my case, there’s usually one specific person who constantly pushes me right to the edge. I try to hold it together, which just makes the frustration and negative energy build up even more until I finally just snap.
When I blow up, it turns into some insane swearing 🤣 and I start tearing into that person. Honestly, part of me wants to get physical or smash stuff, though thank God I’ve never actually gone that far; I always manage to restrain myself. But when the dam breaks, the curses just fly out of my mouth like I’m possessed by some demon. It’s just pure, unadulterated venting. 😠 Maybe she’s dealing with the same thing? Maybe something pushed her over the limit after she’d been stacking up enough "material" to explode.
That whole scene of her sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and chanting to herself... it looks to me like she’s experiencing some kind of release, like she's desperately trying to find her center again.
The big question now is what actually set her off. Was it something tiny, like someone leaving a dirty dish in the sink, or was it something genuinely massive?

The point above was that it’s over nothing, like him tossing and turning in his sleep.

She really needs some professional guidance here, and honestly, you aren’t going to find that kind of medical insight on an internet forum. You should probably nudge her toward seeing a doctor. Personally, I’d suggest she gets her hormone levels checked—especially if there's a history of thyroid issues running in the family? Just a thought, though.
Good luck.

Michelle Evans said:The point above was that it’s over nothing, like him tossing and turning in his sleep.

My bad, I totally missed that part. 🤦

Aaron Jackson3 said:My bad, I totally missed that part. 🤦

There’s quite a bit of text here, so it’s easy to overlook things.

@OP: besides what you mentioned, are there any other issues with the neighborhood or yourself?

Aaron Jackson3 said:I’m just gonna throw this out there since nobody else seems to be giving a coherent answer... Is it possible she’s just an ultra-sensitive person who takes everything way too hard? I know I am. I tend to bottle up all my frustrations for ages, trying to play it cool because I know if I actually started snapping at people, I’d look like a total lunatic.
Then something happens—in my case, there’s usually one specific person who constantly pushes me right to the edge. I try to hold it together, which just makes the frustration and negative energy build up even more until I finally just snap.
When I blow up, it turns into some insane swearing 🤣 and I start tearing into that person. Honestly, part of me wants to get physical or smash stuff, though thank God I’ve never actually gone that far; I always manage to restrain myself. But when the dam breaks, the curses just fly out of my mouth like I’m possessed by some demon. It’s just pure, unadulterated venting. 😠 Maybe she’s dealing with the same thing? Maybe something pushed her over the limit after she’d been stacking up enough "material" to explode.
That whole scene of her sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and chanting to herself... it looks to me like she’s experiencing some kind of release, like she's desperately trying to find her center again.
The big question now is what actually set her off. Was it something tiny, like someone leaving a dirty dish in the sink, or was it something genuinely massive?

I guess I’d say rocking her is what actually calms her down—like, if she starts getting worked up about wanting to go out or whatever, maybe a little mantra like "it's okay, we're staying in" helps depending on the situation. But honestly? She doesn't hear a single word I say—she won't react at all to anything I tell her—until I actually try to pick her up to move her to the couch or the bed. Then, the second I touch her, she just goes absolutely wild again. It happens a few times like that before she finally just settles down on her own.

Michelle Evans said:

It took everything I had just to get her to see the counselor at our university. Every time I tried to bring it up, she’d skillfully dodge the conversation...

And what was the counselor's take on it?

Not really—it mostly boiled down to studying and concentration issues, which she was actively avoiding. And since that was maybe three or four years ago, and I actually agreed with what Fortune Teller wrote back then, I didn't push the conversation too hard. At the time, the main stressors were just general anxiety and dealing with her parents.

Michelle Evans said:The point above was that it’s over nothing, like him tossing and turning in his sleep.

Look, it’s not exactly a direct trigger, but say we start getting into some full-blown war over something—and I mean really digging my heels in—so then I push back a little, right? And instead of letting it go, she just keeps nagging and making a scene. Then I end up grabbing my stuff and heading out, only for her to start hounding me about the apartment rules because apparently, I’m not allowed to sleep on the couch while she gets the bed. Suddenly, I'm right back in the middle of a total war zone.

I guess I can see why she’d get pissed—like, really pissed—when we hit a misunderstanding or when it feels like we’re drifting apart. It’s weird because, most of the time, we don't even need to talk to get on the same page. When we’re just hanging out watching Netflix or curled up together on the couch, it isn't like we're sitting on opposite ends of the sofa... we're actually close. So, maybe when things aren't perfect and someone snaps or loses their cool, it just hits harder. But still...

Noah Davis3 said:I guess I’d say rocking her is what actually calms her down—like, if she starts getting worked up about wanting to go out or whatever, maybe a little mantra like "it's okay, we're staying in" helps depending on the situation. But honestly? She doesn't hear a single word I say—she won't react at all to anything I tell her—until I actually try to pick her up to move her to the couch or the bed. Then, the second I touch her, she just goes absolutely wild again. It happens a few times like that before she finally just settles down on her own.

Not really—it mostly boiled down to studying and concentration issues, which she was actively avoiding. And since that was maybe three or four years ago, and I actually agreed with what Fortune Teller wrote back then, I didn't push the conversation too hard. At the time, the main stressors were just general anxiety and dealing with her parents.

Look, it’s not exactly a direct trigger, but say we start getting into some full-blown war over something—and I mean really digging my heels in—so then I push back a little, right? And instead of letting it go, she just keeps nagging and making a scene. Then I end up grabbing my stuff and heading out, only for her to start hounding me about the apartment rules because apparently, I’m not allowed to sleep on the couch while she gets the bed. Suddenly, I'm right back in the middle of a total war zone.

Look, I get that people pick fights over nothing, and honestly, most arguments are about trivial stuff.
But is it normal for a partner to physically attack you just because you want to sleep on the couch? Especially when you're only doing it so they can sleep peacefully without being disturbed by tossing and turning...

I did a little digging on Google and stumbled upon this... honestly, the symptoms look way too much like what I'm going through.
http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/bpdanger.htm

Michelle Evans said:Look, I get that people pick fights over nothing, and honestly, most arguments are about trivial stuff.
But is it normal for a partner to physically attack you just because you want to sleep on the couch? Especially when you're only doing it so they can sleep peacefully without being disturbed by tossing and turning...

Just so there's no misunderstanding about what happened. Specifically, the last time this went down—after I finally dragged myself to the couch to try and sleep (honestly, after she spent the whole night yelling at me because she couldn't get comfortable and wouldn't let me sleep, which was my plan all along), she started forcing this weird "couch vs. bed" power struggle on me. I was basically running away, eventually ending up sleeping in the bathroom wedged between the tub and the door—so she couldn't get in since we don't have locks on the inside of these doors. Then she started slamming against the door, and when I heard her hitting it—and she’s usually pretty laid back—I went out to check on her (look, she gave me an earful, but I still love her) and suddenly she’s screaming and running away from me. She started banging on things, and of course, somehow I'm the bad guy here... yeah, same old story as my first post.

It’s not really about one tiny little thing; there’s some underlying mess going on here, though most of it is pretty trivial. In any other context, we probably would have laughed about these situations. That’s why it’s so jarring when it actually spirals into this much drama.

Look, velvetranger16... you aren't going to find psychiatrists on internet forums. You’ve asked this question in the wrong place entirely. She needs to consult a medical professional. It is quite evident to anyone watching that she is unwell, and there is a very real danger that one day her behavior could lead to a psychiatric hospitalization.

Don't take this personally, but your situation sounds completely unhinged. What happens if she actually hurts someone?
Beyond that, I find it baffling that none of the neighbors have called the police yet.

So, what are your options? I believe you when you say you love her. Ultimately, the decision rests with you: do you want to stay by her side
for the rest of your life? The problem is, who can say how long treatment will take or how long this phase will last? Will her behavior simply revert to the norm once the immediate crisis passes?

If you choose to remain with her and act as her support system, you must be prepared to make significant sacrifices. It is much like being married to someone struggling with alcoholism.

Before you consider starting a family, ask yourself: in her current state, is there a risk she might harm a child? Would you feel comfortable placing a baby in her hands? Please, think this through carefully. I know the psychologists out there will attack me for being harsh, but you know what?
If there is a hereditary component involved, such as schizophrenia, then you truly need to weigh your options and insist she sees a specialist.

Noah Davis3 said:Sorry for the long post upfront. Honestly, I’m at my wit's end—I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and frankly, I'm not even sure what's actually happening here. I just want to provide as much insight as possible for anyone who has the energy to read this and might be able to help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now—she's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.
I’d say my feelings haven't changed since the day we met—at least on my end. I don't think there’s anything I wouldn't do for her, and I truly believe I've never done anything to hurt her. We spend most of our time together and share everything; it's always been that way. Even if we happen to go out separately, it usually ends with one of us feeling pretty bad, so we're constantly checking in on each other to make sure everything is okay. Sure, we clash over little things here and there, but we usually smooth that stuff over pretty quickly.

What really scares me, though, are those moments where everything just suddenly explodes and I find myself right in the middle of a literal war zone.

I get that we're both under massive amounts of stress—money, work, college, all that—but I can't make sense of how she acts when things spiral out of control. She starts screaming and smashing things, and if I try to approach her, she turns on me. She’s especially prone to biting—so I won't even count the number of bites, scratches, and bruises I've ended up with after one of these "sessions." I have never once approached her with any intention of hurting her; I'm just trying to restrain her so she doesn't destroy the little bit of stability we've managed to build, and so she isn't running through the apartment building or the neighborhood screaming—there's zero aggression intended. I'm just trying to hug her so she stops flailing her arms, or sit/lie down with her so she stops hurting herself. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, the struggle just keeps going.
Her screaming... honestly, it terrifies me. Her face contorts until she doesn't even look like herself, and she screams so loud I feel like my eardrums might actually burst. I don't understand why the cops haven't shown up at our door yet, because if I heard someone screaming like that, I'd think someone was being murdered or tortured. After the initial stage—the breaking things, the screaming, and the wrestling around the apartment—she usually collapses onto the floor, or occasionally the bed or couch, and goes into some kind of lotus position. For the first two seconds, I'm relieved because she’s stopped raging and screaming; but then she starts rocking back and forth and chanting something, which just triggers another wave of panic for me because I have no idea what's happening to her or what to do. At that point, I try to coax her to sit on a chair, the couch, or the bed so we can talk like adults; it rarely works the first time, but eventually, she moves somewhere "normal" so we can attempt a conversation. I always make sure to stay at least 2 or 3 feet away from her and ensure there's "open space for an escape route"—because in those moments, she's actually afraid of me (I'll get back to that). We spend the first 20 minutes just trying to de-escalate, which gets lost in her rocking and chanting, her catching single words, the occasional scream, and constant attempts to flee the situation. Only then can we actually talk, mostly because we're both completely exhausted by that point (we're talking about an hour of "fighting" before we hit this stage).

Afterward, she claims she barely remembers half of it and perceives everything as me being aggressive toward her. She doesn't remember the parts where she's smashing things; she only remembers the moments I try to hold her back, which she views as an attack. She doesn't remember the rocking or the chanting or any of that. And almost every single thing I say is interpreted as verbal abuse. A few times I tried recording her on my phone to show her later what I was talking about (since she insists I'm making it up or trying to make her look crazy), and once I actually succeeded and showed her the video, she just broke down crying and apologizing. Of course, it happened again. Same exact thing.

I know maybe I should just let her smash things and walk out of the apartment, but I can't leave her wandering the neighborhood in that state—someone could easily jump her, and more than that, I'm terrified she'll hurt herself. I also can't just let her wreck the little bit of stuff we've worked so hard to afford through sacrifice, because in the end, she'll just bitch at me for not stopping her.

It either happens late at night when we’re both exhausted—for instance, she gets annoyed because I’m tossing and turning in bed (look, when I'm burnt out, falling asleep is a struggle, and I’ve always been a restless sleeper)—but then she won't let me just crash on the couch because apparently, we *have* to sleep together no matter what. If I actually try to move to the couch, she just follows me. Or there's the other thing where we can't reach an agreement—well, we "agree," but then she forgets, or doesn't take it seriously, or claims she didn't hear me, or thought I meant something else entirely. So I'm standing there like an idiot waiting, or I'm driving around looking for her because I'm supposed to pick her up, but she's headed in the complete opposite direction and I'm left wandering around like a fool. It’s honestly infuriating because she’s constantly glued to her phone—scrolling Facebook, messaging, all that mindless stuff—yet suddenly, in these moments, she never hears a word I say. It drives me crazy knowing she hasn't let go of that device for a second.

I honestly don't get what's going on anymore or where the breakdown is. I've overanalyzed my own actions a thousand times—and look, I'm not saying everything I've done was perfect—but I truly feel like I did the best I could in those situations. I have no clue how to help her, or even myself.

P.S. It’s not like we’re fighting 24/7. We’ll clash maybe two or three times in a few days, and then things are fine for months. Those quiet months give me this... I don't know, false sense of hope? Like we finally moved past this and everything is fine, and then—out of nowhere—it’s a total massacre again.

I probably missed something important because I'm honestly losing my mind right now. Just ask away and I'll answer. Thanks.

How long have you guys lived together?

Noah Davis3 said:Sorry for the long post upfront. Honestly, I’m at my wit's end—I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and frankly, I'm not even sure what's actually happening here. I just want to provide as much insight as possible for anyone who has the energy to read this and might be able to help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now—she's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.
I’d say my feelings haven't changed since the day we met—at least on my end. I don't think there’s anything I wouldn't do for her, and I truly believe I've never done anything to hurt her. We spend most of our time together and share everything; it's always been that way. Even if we happen to go out separately, it usually ends with one of us feeling pretty bad, so we're constantly checking in on each other to make sure everything is okay. Sure, we clash over little things here and there, but we usually smooth that stuff over pretty quickly.

What really scares me, though, are those moments where everything just suddenly explodes and I find myself right in the middle of a literal war zone.

I get that we're both under massive amounts of stress—money, work, college, all that—but I can't make sense of how she acts when things spiral out of control. She starts screaming and smashing things, and if I try to approach her, she turns on me. She’s especially prone to biting—so I won't even count the number of bites, scratches, and bruises I've ended up with after one of these "sessions." I have never once approached her with any intention of hurting her; I'm just trying to restrain her so she doesn't destroy the little bit of stability we've managed to build, and so she isn't running through the apartment building or the neighborhood screaming—there's zero aggression intended. I'm just trying to hug her so she stops flailing her arms, or sit/lie down with her so she stops hurting herself. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, the struggle just keeps going.
Her screaming... honestly, it terrifies me. Her face contorts until she doesn't even look like herself, and she screams so loud I feel like my eardrums might actually burst. I don't understand why the cops haven't shown up at our door yet, because if I heard someone screaming like that, I'd think someone was being murdered or tortured. After the initial stage—the breaking things, the screaming, and the wrestling around the apartment—she usually collapses onto the floor, or occasionally the bed or couch, and goes into some kind of lotus position. For the first two seconds, I'm relieved because she’s stopped raging and screaming; but then she starts rocking back and forth and chanting something, which just triggers another wave of panic for me because I have no idea what's happening to her or what to do. At that point, I try to coax her to sit on a chair, the couch, or the bed so we can talk like adults; it rarely works the first time, but eventually, she moves somewhere "normal" so we can attempt a conversation. I always make sure to stay at least 2 or 3 feet away from her and ensure there's "open space for an escape route"—because in those moments, she's actually afraid of me (I'll get back to that). We spend the first 20 minutes just trying to de-escalate, which gets lost in her rocking and chanting, her catching single words, the occasional scream, and constant attempts to flee the situation. Only then can we actually talk, mostly because we're both completely exhausted by that point (we're talking about an hour of "fighting" before we hit this stage).

Afterward, she claims she barely remembers half of it and perceives everything as me being aggressive toward her. She doesn't remember the parts where she's smashing things; she only remembers the moments I try to hold her back, which she views as an attack. She doesn't remember the rocking or the chanting or any of that. And almost every single thing I say is interpreted as verbal abuse. A few times I tried recording her on my phone to show her later what I was talking about (since she insists I'm making it up or trying to make her look crazy), and once I actually succeeded and showed her the video, she just broke down crying and apologizing. Of course, it happened again. Same exact thing.

I know maybe I should just let her smash things and walk out of the apartment, but I can't leave her wandering the neighborhood in that state—someone could easily jump her, and more than that, I'm terrified she'll hurt herself. I also can't just let her wreck the little bit of stuff we've worked so hard to afford through sacrifice, because in the end, she'll just bitch at me for not stopping her.

It either happens late at night when we’re both exhausted—for instance, she gets annoyed because I’m tossing and turning in bed (look, when I'm burnt out, falling asleep is a struggle, and I’ve always been a restless sleeper)—but then she won't let me just crash on the couch because apparently, we *have* to sleep together no matter what. If I actually try to move to the couch, she just follows me. Or there's the other thing where we can't reach an agreement—well, we "agree," but then she forgets, or doesn't take it seriously, or claims she didn't hear me, or thought I meant something else entirely. So I'm standing there like an idiot waiting, or I'm driving around looking for her because I'm supposed to pick her up, but she's headed in the complete opposite direction and I'm left wandering around like a fool. It’s honestly infuriating because she’s constantly glued to her phone—scrolling Facebook, messaging, all that mindless stuff—yet suddenly, in these moments, she never hears a word I say. It drives me crazy knowing she hasn't let go of that device for a second.

I honestly don't get what's going on anymore or where the breakdown is. I've overanalyzed my own actions a thousand times—and look, I'm not saying everything I've done was perfect—but I truly feel like I did the best I could in those situations. I have no clue how to help her, or even myself.

P.S. It’s not like we’re fighting 24/7. We’ll clash maybe two or three times in a few days, and then things are fine for months. Those quiet months give me this... I don't know, false sense of hope? Like we finally moved past this and everything is fine, and then—out of nowhere—it’s a total massacre again.

I probably missed something important because I'm honestly losing my mind right now. Just ask away and I'll answer. Thanks.

To be honest, it sounds like a frustrated kid having a meltdown in the middle of a Target because their mom wouldn't buy them a specific toy—knocking over displays, throwing stuff at Mom, ripping heads off dolls, biting,
verbal abuse, shouting, and so on...
There could be a few different things going on here: maybe she’s always acted this way and it was just tolerated, meaning she never actually learned self-control through any real consequences. Or, she might just be mirroring behavior she saw growing up—basically copying a parent whose own outbursts were somehow deemed acceptable back then. It could also be that she’s regressing to a much younger state when she's with you, or potentially even experiencing some kind of temporal seizure that manifests as uncontrollable rage...

Noah Davis3 said:Sorry for the long post upfront. Honestly, I’m at my wit's end—I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and frankly, I'm not even sure what's actually happening here. I just want to provide as much insight as possible for anyone who has the energy to read this and might be able to help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six years now—she's 25, I'm 23, and we live together.
I’d say my feelings haven't changed since the day we met—at least on my end. I don't think there’s anything I wouldn't do for her, and I truly believe I've never done anything to hurt her. We spend most of our time together and share everything; it's always been that way. Even if we happen to go out separately, it usually ends with one of us feeling pretty bad, so we're constantly checking in on each other to make sure everything is okay. Sure, we clash over little things here and there, but we usually smooth that stuff over pretty quickly.

What really scares me, though, are those moments where everything just suddenly explodes and I find myself right in the middle of a literal war zone.

I get that we're both under massive amounts of stress—money, work, college, all that—but I can't make sense of how she acts when things spiral out of control. She starts screaming and smashing things, and if I try to approach her, she turns on me. She’s especially prone to biting—so I won't even count the number of bites, scratches, and bruises I've ended up with after one of these "sessions." I have never once approached her with any intention of hurting her; I'm just trying to restrain her so she doesn't destroy the little bit of stability we've managed to build, and so she isn't running through the apartment building or the neighborhood screaming—there's zero aggression intended. I'm just trying to hug her so she stops flailing her arms, or sit/lie down with her so she stops hurting herself. Sometimes that works, but most of the time, the struggle just keeps going.
Her screaming... honestly, it terrifies me. Her face contorts until she doesn't even look like herself, and she screams so loud I feel like my eardrums might actually burst. I don't understand why the cops haven't shown up at our door yet, because if I heard someone screaming like that, I'd think someone was being murdered or tortured. After the initial stage—the breaking things, the screaming, and the wrestling around the apartment—she usually collapses onto the floor, or occasionally the bed or couch, and goes into some kind of lotus position. For the first two seconds, I'm relieved because she’s stopped raging and screaming; but then she starts rocking back and forth and chanting something, which just triggers another wave of panic for me because I have no idea what's happening to her or what to do. At that point, I try to coax her to sit on a chair, the couch, or the bed so we can talk like adults; it rarely works the first time, but eventually, she moves somewhere "normal" so we can attempt a conversation. I always make sure to stay at least 2 or 3 feet away from her and ensure there's "open space for an escape route"—because in those moments, she's actually afraid of me (I'll get back to that). We spend the first 20 minutes just trying to de-escalate, which gets lost in her rocking and chanting, her catching single words, the occasional scream, and constant attempts to flee the situation. Only then can we actually talk, mostly because we're both completely exhausted by that point (we're talking about an hour of "fighting" before we hit this stage).

Afterward, she claims she barely remembers half of it and perceives everything as me being aggressive toward her. She doesn't remember the parts where she's smashing things; she only remembers the moments I try to hold her back, which she views as an attack. She doesn't remember the rocking or the chanting or any of that. And almost every single thing I say is interpreted as verbal abuse. A few times I tried recording her on my phone to show her later what I was talking about (since she insists I'm making it up or trying to make her look crazy), and once I actually succeeded and showed her the video, she just broke down crying and apologizing. Of course, it happened again. Same exact thing.

I know maybe I should just let her smash things and walk out of the apartment, but I can't leave her wandering the neighborhood in that state—someone could easily jump her, and more than that, I'm terrified she'll hurt herself. I also can't just let her wreck the little bit of stuff we've worked so hard to afford through sacrifice, because in the end, she'll just bitch at me for not stopping her.

It either happens late at night when we’re both exhausted—for instance, she gets annoyed because I’m tossing and turning in bed (look, when I'm burnt out, falling asleep is a struggle, and I’ve always been a restless sleeper)—but then she won't let me just crash on the couch because apparently, we *have* to sleep together no matter what. If I actually try to move to the couch, she just follows me. Or there's the other thing where we can't reach an agreement—well, we "agree," but then she forgets, or doesn't take it seriously, or claims she didn't hear me, or thought I meant something else entirely. So I'm standing there like an idiot waiting, or I'm driving around looking for her because I'm supposed to pick her up, but she's headed in the complete opposite direction and I'm left wandering around like a fool. It’s honestly infuriating because she’s constantly glued to her phone—scrolling Facebook, messaging, all that mindless stuff—yet suddenly, in these moments, she never hears a word I say. It drives me crazy knowing she hasn't let go of that device for a second.

I honestly don't get what's going on anymore or where the breakdown is. I've overanalyzed my own actions a thousand times—and look, I'm not saying everything I've done was perfect—but I truly feel like I did the best I could in those situations. I have no clue how to help her, or even myself.

P.S. It’s not like we’re fighting 24/7. We’ll clash maybe two or three times in a few days, and then things are fine for months. Those quiet months give me this... I don't know, false sense of hope? Like we finally moved past this and everything is fine, and then—out of nowhere—it’s a total massacre again.

I probably missed something important because I'm honestly losing my mind right now. Just ask away and I'll answer. Thanks.

That sounds like her way of self-soothing, almost like how kids try to calm themselves down by rocking back and forth..
-You've got to set firm boundaries and try not to react emotionally to her behavior, except for once she's finally calmed down..
Keeping your cool is key. 👍
-You need to be consistent with what you tolerate and what you don't. You can't be super forgiving and okay with it one day, and then suddenly being strictly against it the next. Consistency is everything.
-You really have to be that positive, steady authority figure she actually wants to look up to—think more along the lines of a new parent. You want to be the kind of person she naturally feels motivated to adjust her behavior for, or at least someone she'll try to keep in check

It’s totally possible that there's a neurological component to these disorders, but if you help her build up some solid self-control, she can definitely learn how to manage those impulses without letting them explode outward through her behavior...

Noah Davis3 said:Just so there's no misunderstanding about what happened. Specifically, the last time this went down—after I finally dragged myself to the couch to try and sleep (honestly, after she spent the whole night yelling at me because she couldn't get comfortable and wouldn't let me sleep, which was my plan all along), she started forcing this weird "couch vs. bed" power struggle on me. I was basically running away, eventually ending up sleeping in the bathroom wedged between the tub and the door—so she couldn't get in since we don't have locks on the inside of these doors. Then she started slamming against the door, and when I heard her hitting it—and she’s usually pretty laid back—I went out to check on her (look, she gave me an earful, but I still love her) and suddenly she’s screaming and running away from me. She started banging on things, and of course, somehow I'm the bad guy here... yeah, same old story as my first post.

It’s not really about one tiny little thing; there’s some underlying mess going on here, though most of it is pretty trivial. In any other context, we probably would have laughed about these situations. That’s why it’s so jarring when it actually spirals into this much drama.

Even without further explanation, the picture doesn't change anything. Sorry.
I truly believe she needs professional help to move forward...

She needs professional help, and she needs it right now. These reactions and behaviors you're describing have moved way past the line into extreme territory. Honestly, I don't know how you're even managing... Based on how she's acting, it looks like textbook BPD, and she seems to be in a state where everything is spiraling completely out of control.

Noah Davis3 said:It’s always been like this, just less frequent (though we didn't live together constantly, so naturally, there was less overlap). Honestly, if things ever got that intense while we were alone somewhere, I’d probably just grab my car keys and climb a tree to watch what happens from a safe distance. 😁 It usually ends with her begging me to come down after about 15 minutes once she regains some common sense.

I barely managed to talk her into seeing the campus counselor we had access to through college. Every single time I tried to actually discuss this stuff, she’d just expertly dodge the conversation.

So, are you basically saying that the sooner you start acting crazy, the sooner she’ll snap back to reality?

We finally managed to have a real conversation yesterday.

All in all, right now I’d say her reaction is basically on par with a frustrated toddler—and then, once I try to step in and calm things down, she gets hit with this sudden panic that I might actually hurt her (probably just leftover baggage from her relationship with her parents). It makes everything ten times more complicated because we end up in this loop where she gets even angrier and wilder out of fear that I'm trying to restrain her... and it just keeps going until she's totally exhausted.

We’re going to have to work on building some trust... That won't fix the childish outburst that kicks everything off, but at least most of the rage gets "resolved," and I think I have a better idea of how to handle it. As for the rest—if kids are taught they can't always get their way, eventually adults will understand that too, I guess. 🙂

Still, just to be safe, I’ll ask her doctor to "sneak in" some thyroid hormone tests next time she gets bloodwork done; strictly as a precaution since I have a relative on my side of the family with thyroid issues, and when her moods start swinging, she becomes impossible to deal with.

Thanks to everyone for the help, support, and ideas—honestly, there was a point where I started doubting if I was the one completely losing my mind.