Cosmo and stuff...

depra really got the better of me tonight... hope you guys aren't feeling the same way. found a few things online that might give you a laugh.

COSMO'S GUIDE FOR MEN:
How to stay modern and politically correct—basically, how to talk about women without
sounding like a sexist.

1. She isn't "HOT" or a "TOTAL SLUT," she’s a BALANCED INDIVIDUAL
OF THE FEMALE SEX.
2. She isn't "EASY" or "LOVES TO GET LAID," she’s SOCIABLE AND
SEXUALLY EXTRAVERTED.
3. She isn't "STUPID" or a "DUMB BITCH," she’s DATA-PROCESSING IMPAIRED.
4. She isn't "AIRHEADED" or "HOLLOW," she’s DISINCLINED TOWARD
CONTEMPLATION.
5. She isn't "DRUNK AS A SKUNK," she’s SIGNIFICANTLY CHEMICALLY INTOXICATED.
6. She wouldn't "SCREW YOU RIGHT AWAY," she’s CURRENTLY SEXUALLY
FOCUSED.
7. She doesn't have "SILICONE TITS," she’s MEDICALLY ESTHETICIZED AND
PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
8. She isn't a bitch, she’s COMPLETELY UNFETTERED AND ACCESSIBLE.
9. She doesn't have a "GREAT ASS," she’s POSTERIORLY
SUPERIOR AND NATURALLY GIFTED.
10. She doesn't have "A MUSTACHE" and isn't "A MAN," she’s in CONSTANT CONTACT WITH
THE MASCULINE PORTION OF HER NATURAL
PERSONALITY.
11. She doesn't "COOK TRASH," she’s GASTRONOMICALLY
UNCONSCIOUS AND MICROWAVE-ORIENTED.

Being a woman is honestly such a struggle.

Here’s the breakdown:
Charming guys? They’re ugly.
Hot guys? They aren't charming.
The hot and charming ones? They’re gay.
The hot, charming, and straight ones? They’re already married. Men
who aren't that hot but are actually charming usually have zero money.
Men who aren't that hot, but are charming and actually have
money, think we're only interested in their bank accounts.
Hot guys with no money are out there chasing ours.
Hot guys who lack charm—and are at least somewhat straight—won't even give us the time of day.
Guys who actually flirt with you, while also being straight and having
money, usually turn out to be total pushovers.
The guys who look decent, are charming, have
money, and are, thank God, straight, are typically too shy and
won't make the first move.
And if a guy never makes the first move, you'll automatically lose
interest in him if you're the one to approach him first.

😂😂

Personally, I find that numbers 3, 5, 7, and 10 tend to be the most appealing, wouldn't you agree?

😂

Kids go to school for two reasons: learning how to sit still and watching the clock. Teachers go to school just to laugh at nonsense like this:

* Poetry is when every single line starts with a capital letter.

* Thomas More wrote 'Ethiopia'.

* Julius Caesar was famous for his telegram: 'I came, I saw, I shouted.'

* There’s life on Mars. But that’s just the hypotenuse.

* Greek money is called Dracula.

* Israelis made a golden calf because they didn't have enough gold to make a cow.

* People from Athens are called Atheists.

* A Stradivarius is a made-up prehistoric animal.

* The national anthem of France is Hellmann's.

* The Rhine River flows horizontally from Basel, and then vertically...

* Statistics is just the exact sum of incorrect data.

* Livingstone named Victoria Falls after Elizabeth.

* Swiss cows are mostly used to make chocolate.

* People from Spain are called Spanish.

* Hindus are originally from India. They wear turbines on their heads.

* People from Crete are called idiots.

* Harlem is where Turks keep all their wives.

* People from Sardinia are called sardines.

* The mountains between France and Spain are called pyramids.

* Latitude and longitude are super useful. Imagine someone is drowning. All they have to do is yell out their latitude and longitude, and we can find them.

* An angle is just a triangle without one side.

* A polygon is a square with a lot of sides.

* A bunch of atoms together are called monocles.

* An inclined plane is a plane that tilts, and if the experiment works, the result is inevitable.

* When you watch a solar eclipse, never look at the sun. You can use sunglasses to see the eclipse, but you have to be careful—don't stand too close!!!

* Horsepower is the distance ten horses can carry half a liter of water in one hour.

* James Watt invented the steamroller.

* Einstein is a famous German organ builder.

* The difference between air and water is that air can get wetter, but water can't.

* This escaping gas is very dangerous for humans, so the next experiment
should only be done by a professor.

* There are four symptoms of a cold. I forgot two, and the other two are so famous
that there's no point mentioning them.

* To be a good nurse, you have to be completely sterile.

* Skin is what holds us together; without it, we'd just fall apart.

* Some cows are very dangerous, especially the bull.

* Snakes come in two sexes: venomous and non-venomous.

* All creatures are imperfect animals. Only humans are perfect animals.

* Antidote is a funny story you've heard before.

* Doctors say terminal illnesses are the worst.

* When my little brother was born, they had to put him in a battery.

Depra really caught me off guard tonight, it was just a total disaster..

So, I guess I don't even need to remind you today?! 🤮

Just please, dear Acid, explain to me—what did we ever do to you that requires you to drop such a gorgeous little fact right here, right now, at this exact moment? What kind of ego are you trying to stroke by doing this, huh? Is it one thread, or maybe twenty-eight? Honestly, go get some help!!! I know you love the spotlight, but it would be much better if you just visited that lady over at the local community clinic (not that they're the best, mind you—I had earwax issues for two weeks this summer and had to watch the kids while dealing with them). You just cross the bridge, walk into that waiting room that looks like it hasn't been updated since the seventies, and wait for the doctor to write you a referral... then you'll see where you need to go next... seriously... first thing tomorrow morning...

👋

Olivia Lopez41 said:Depra really got the better of me tonight—it was pretty bad. I hope you guys aren't feeling quite as miserable as I am... anyway, here's some stuff I dug up online, maybe it'll give someone a laugh.

Don't even get me started, because I'm definitely 🎉 😕 🙄... so, today's update—honestly, it's been a rough one... probably just the rain, I guess. 🙄

Nothing but misery, gloom, and death 😢

Well, I have to admit, some of this crap actually made me laugh 😂

Hey, Sourpuss, why don't you just apply to be a resident comedian? 😁

Walter Brooks3 said:It’d be pretty funny if he just went to see that lady at the local community clinic (👋

I did.
The result?
Feeling depressed and numb with a bottle of Amyzol on hand.

Olivia Lopez41 said:I did.
The result:
Feeling depressed and numb, clutching a box of Amyzol.

Since we’re on the subject of inducing depression... sometimes I run out of cigarettes and end up rolling my own. The kicker is that I don't have actual rolling papers, so I just tear up some standard US printer paper... it's godawful 😲 but what can you do? Addiction is a hell of a thing. The crazy part is there has to be some chemical in that garbage causing this state... I haven't even finished smoking it properly before this intense bitterness hits me. It's that feeling where everything just collapses and you're one step away from sobbing... and I'd rather not be totally wrecked before I even light the damn thing, God help me.

Considering the absolute state of the healthcare system here in America, it’s honestly a miracle they even gave you the Amyzol...

So, your next move is probably... heading to a rehab clinic...
Or maybe just finding a job...

👋

Sentiment said:just go find a job...

Good grief, as if finding work is some simple task! 😲 😲

😁