Dealing with aging parents

Can someone please help me figure out what’s going wrong here?

Every single day—and I mean literally every day—I end up in a massive blowout with my parents. It’s especially bad with my dad. We fight over everything, from tiny little things to the most ridiculous, nonsensical nonsense imaginable...

He’ll make some claim, like saying something is one way, and when I try to explain or show him that it’s actually different, boom, we’re at it again. It always ends the same way. He thinks I’m just being contrarian, like I’ve teamed up against him or I'm intentionally being disrespectful. He even thinks his sister-in-law is getting in my ear, whispering things to turn me against him...

It’s pretty much the same story with my mom, though I feel like I can manage her a bit better...

I’m honestly starting to think about just packing up and leaving for six months or a year. Maybe go volunteer somewhere, or head out to stay with relatives halfway across the country... I just need some space to clear my head and really reflect on my own behavior and how I'm acting.

I mean, you might not actually be at fault for every single disagreement, because you know how it goes—it takes two to tango, right? So, if you really don't feel like getting into another fight, maybe just try letting things go once in a while; I guess if you can't convince them they're wrong, it might be better to just step back and let them talk themselves into a corner...

for me, after stuff like that happens, I find that diving into something I actually enjoy helps clear my head, since life is pretty good when you look at it that way...

The most toxic "games" happen right at home. Even if you walk away, those patterns just follow you into every new relationship. You have to learn how to spot the game and shut it down...

And for that, you need...

dejoo said:Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong?

Every single day. It's constant. I fight with my parents all the time, especially my dad. It's everything—tiny little things, stupid arguments that don't even matter...

He makes a claim about something, and I try to show him he's wrong, or just that it's different, and then boom... another fight. He thinks I'm out to get him. Thinks I'm being disrespectful or that his daughter-in-law is getting in my head against him...

It's the same with my mom, too... though I handle her a bit better.

I'm actually thinking about leaving for a while. Maybe six months, maybe a year. Go volunteer somewhere, stay with relatives halfway across the country... just to have some space to think about myself and how I act.

Man, I feel you. Same thing happened to me yesterday. Almost lost it on my old man. He just knows how to push my buttons at 3 PM.
Told him to pack his bags and get out.😠

wiredbison92 said:Can someone please tell me what the deal is? What am I doing wrong?

Look, the issue is all you as long as you can't stand on your own two feet....

Stop dragging your family into this mess... you're just passing the buck.

Alex Rogers96 said:The most toxic "games" actually happen within families. Even if you physically move away, those patterns follow you into every new relationship you start. The real key is learning how to spot the game while it's happening and knowing how to shut it down.

And to pull that off, you're going to need...

Need you to elaborate.

A solid psychotherapist. They can provide an objective, outside perspective on what’s actually happening between you...

Alex Rogers96 said:He's a solid therapist. He can step back and give you that objective, outside perspective on what’s actually going on between you two.

So, are you a therapist yourself?

I'm currently in training, so I won't be around for quite a while.

But I know plenty of people who are...

Oh, please, what kind of psycho therapist is this even 🙄
Sure, there’s trauma to work through, but honestly—who didn't have issues with their parents during puberty?
I practically wanted to run away every other day🙄

I actually went to therapy because of all the issues I was having with my old man. If I remember correctly, they told me it was just a typical teenage rebellion phase.
I saw someone privately.

masterblaster said:I sought therapy for issues involving my father. If I recall correctly, they dismissed it as just an adolescent crisis.
I went to a private practice.

Clearly you went to the wrong clinic.
There are plenty of legitimate psychotherapists out there.
That kind of response is basically telling someone to go to hell...

Either we all need to go see a therapist, or absolutely nobody does—meaning, in reality, almost no one actually goes... what’s your take, Alex Rogers96? Is it all or nothing?

key_4 said:Give me a break, what kind of "psychotherapist" is this?🙄
Sure, there are traumas to deal with, but honestly—who didn't have issues with their parents during puberty?
I felt like running away every other day myself...🙄

I'm not talking about puberty here.
There is much more to toxic family dynamics than just adolescence...

Alex Rogers96 said:It sounds like you just went to the wrong professional.
There are plenty of actual psychotherapists out there.
Getting an answer like that is basically someone telling you to "get lost."

😁 Honestly, I can't remember exactly, it was quite a while ago.

If you're actually in training, then maybe you can offer some decent advice.

For me, things finally clicked once I moved out of my parents' house, though I know moving out at 16 or 18 isn't really realistic or wise for most people.

Alex Rogers96 said:Look, I'm not just talking about teenage angst here.
There’s way more to toxic family dynamics than just growing pains.

In my experience, it was much deeper than that, and it definitely wasn't just some phase. I was only 19 when I finally hit my breaking point from all the constant bullshit.

Alex Rogers96 said:Oh, please—what kind of "psychotherapist" are we even talking about here?🙄
Sure, there might be some trauma to unpack, but honestly—who didn't have massive issues with their parents during puberty?
I practically wanted to run away from home every other day myself...🙄

If I had actually seen a therapist during my teenage years, rather than waiting a decade or so afterward, I wouldn't be dragging around all this baggage caused by my parents today.
So, watch what you say.

Is there actually such a thing as a family without some level of drama? Seriously, someone please explain to me what a "healthy" or "normal" family even looks like. What is the standard we're all supposed to be aiming for?

key_4 said:Doesn't every family have some level of dysfunction? Or just tell me... what does a "healthy" or "normal" family even look like? What is it supposed to be?

There aren't many truly "normal" families out there. But an autonomous individual's job is to break the cycle of their family's mistakes... rather than inheriting them and passing them down.

key_4 said:Doesn't every single family have its share of drama? Or can someone please explain to me what a "healthy" or "normal" family actually looks like? What's the standard?

Look, there’s small stuff and then there’s the heavy, life-altering mess. My parents split up when I was seven, and my mom left us. I ended up living with my dad. He never remarried and basically made me his entire world, but unfortunately, he was incredibly aggressive and had no clue how to actually raise a kid. He’d constantly lash out at me about my mother and all that... I won't go into the gritty details. As I got older, he just became more volatile, bitter, and angry. It was everything. I eventually hit a breaking point and couldn't take it anymore.
To me, a "normal" family means having both parents present, where you aren't getting smacked or treated like garbage just because one parent doesn't like something the other said or did. A healthy family relies on solid communication above all else. And honestly? I'm certain those kinds of families actually exist.