Depression... or something else?

Doc, I need some serious help here:

- I’ve been feeling totally drained and listless for months now, like since mid-October back in '06.
- My head is constantly racing with these intense thoughts... kind of like chess... where I'm always visualizing sixteen moves ahead of everyone else.
- When the adrenaline finally hits, I feel like I could actually kill someone.
- Most of the time, I'm just taking it out on myself... slamming my head against the wall.
- In those moments, I start screaming absolute filth, hallucinating... picturing ways to maim specific people.
- I am painfully destructive, and honestly, I tend to blame everything on external stuff—like if my neighbor is playing pool with two rubber balls that have zero spine, you know what I mean?
- Something constructive would probably be something like splitting wood... just grabbing an axe and going at it.
- I absolutely loathe injustice.
- The government and the whole system are just... ugh.
- I'm pretty restless.
- And impatient.
- There's this deep-seated fear clawing at me from the inside, just all kinds of fears.
- Normally, I'm a pretty withdrawn guy, but then again, I'm actually really popular when I'm out with people.
- I've got some damn good friends.
- I am a walking contradiction.
- It's like, I want to, but I don't.
- I listen to R&B and psychedelic rock.
- I love those bursts of pure positivity and euphoria, but then there's the psychedelic side of things.
- I have this insane urge to write, but not necessarily to "express" myself.
- I talk in riddles, jokes, and constant sarcasm.
- Because of that, people often don't take me seriously, and by the time they finally get what I'm saying, it's usually too late.
- I'm always down for some kind of action.
- As I'm typing this... man, okay, I got a little worked up for a second, but now I've got Foghat playing and I'm feeling a bit more upbeat.
Any advice, comments, thoughts, or suggestions...

Anything helps.

PS. I'm 19.

Oh man, seriously, while I was reading this I actually wanted to ask you... how old are you even? 😬 Look, just go see a therapist. It’s pretty obvious you’re dealing with some adolescent-level stuff and probably some hyperactivity issues, but honestly, this isn't really the right place to be discussing health matters.

mistyseal11 said:- honestly, I've just been feeling totally listless for months now—it started somewhere around mid-October 2006.

So, what’s the deal with this? How does that lack of motivation actually show up for you? Like, give me a bit more detail if you can. Also—and I don't mean to pry, but it helps—has anyone in your family ever dealt with mental health stuff or been treated for anything? I'm thinking specifically about depression.
Hey, don't sweat it! You aren't alone in this, and there's always someone ready to lend a hand. Seriously, never feel weird about asking for help. 🙂

Sam Hughes5 said:seriously, while I was reading this, I actually wanted to ask how old you are... 😬 just go see a therapist, because it’s pretty obvious you're dealing with some adolescent issues and hyperactivity, this isn't even about health anymore

Look, if I weren't trying to be a decent human being, I'd tell you exactly where to shove it. 😁

Oh, you aren't depressed, you're just an indigo child🤣 🤣
Damn puberty😈

neonrider13 said:What’s that actually mean though? Like, how does this lack of willpower even show up in real life? Give me some more detail on that.

Look, if I didn't need an extra kickstart, I'd be doing 200 crunches without breaking a sweat—it's definitely not a fitness thing or me being glued to a screen...

...then I'll pick up my guitar and start playing or singing... but nothing "productive" ever happens...

I've been thinking about trying some kind of "boosters"... or maybe even hallucinogens
Any intel out there that isn't just basic crap you find on Google or Wikipedia?

...they had me drugged out for a week straight in the psych ward with Rispolept, Ativan, and Apaurin... I was basically a vegetable... couldn't even tackle a simple Sudoku puzzle... then my neck started seizing up... total stiffness... so they were pumping me full of injections....

God, those bastards...

mistyseal11 said:I’ve been thinking about messing with certain "uplifters"... or maybe some hallucinogens
any kind of info you can't just find on Google or Wikipedia?

...they had me stuck in an inpatient ward for a week on Rispolept, Ativan, and Apaurin... I was basically a vegetable... couldn't even tackle a simple Sudoku puzzle... and then my neck started acting up... then the stiffness hit... they were giving me all these injections....

Please, don't go doing anything on your own! Seriously, please stay away from drugs or anything illegal!!! 🙂
Man, if you only knew how much damage that does and what the fallout looks like! Everything feels great to addicts at first, but eventually, it all turns into a total living hell!!! Just remember that, please!!! Addiction is 🙂
I only asked you about that because I thought maybe you were dealing with endogenous depression, but honestly, it doesn't seem like that's your issue. So, why were you in the hospital? What happened? What was the actual diagnosis they gave you? Were you on Rispolept? Why??
Look, if you actually want help, you've gotta give me a bit more to work with. There's really not much I can take away from what you told me.
And hey, don't be scared! You aren't alone in this! Listen, I really care about you and I want to help you out any way I know how! 🙂

neonrider13 said:What actually landed you in the psych ward? What was the deal?

What kind of diagnosis were they working with?

Were you on Rispolept? What for?

1. That’s just how the system works, man—first they drag you into the psych unit and assign you a doctor, then after a few days they move you elsewhere, and honestly, thank God I got out right before that happened.
First time—it was because I was literally screaming my head off from pure pain and heartbreak.
(Two months later)
Second time—I was so wired and agitated I felt like I could actually kill someone.

I’ve noticed lately that I can't even cry anymore, even when things are at their absolute worst, whereas during those first two months (when everything really hit the fan) I was dealing with this horrific pain... tears... total agony... I just pushed it all deep down inside. Now it just bursts out sideways, I guess. It all started over some relationship stuff.

2. Bipolar disorder / schizophrenia.

3. Like I said, once they assign you a doctor, they hand you a prescription and you basically have to take it... otherwise, they’ll just tie you down and give you an injection so they don't have to worry about you anymore.

mistyseal11 said:Look, I’m not trying to be rude here, but you're really pushing my buttons. 😁

But hey, try to keep it together... maybe go talk to a therapist or something, they might actually have some answers for you. 👍

So, looking at everything mentioned above—given how crazy this diagnosis is—are you actually seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis, or even just once in a while?

mistyseal11 said:1. That’s just how the system works—they dump you into the psych ward first, assign you a doctor, and then after a few days they shuffle you to a different unit. Thank God I got out right before that happened.
- First time—because I was literally screaming from the pain and the heartbreak.
(A two-month gap)
- Second time—because I was so wired and agitated I felt like I could actually kill someone.

I've noticed lately that I can't even cry anymore, even when things are at their absolute worst. During those first two months—when everything really hit the fan—I was dealing with this insane pain... tears... pure agony... but I just pushed it all deep down inside. Now, it just explodes outward, probably in a totally different way. It all stemmed from some relationship stuff.

2. Manic depression / schizophrenia.

3. Like I mentioned, once they assign you a doctor, they give you a treatment plan and you have to stick to it... otherwise, they basically tie you down and give you an injection just to deal with it, so you might as well just go along with it.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like what you're going through is really "depression." By the way, "manic depression" isn't its own standalone thing anymore—it's called bipolar disorder or manic-depressive psychosis. I'm curious, does anyone in your family deal with mental health issues? Are you on any meds right now? And are you seeing a Psychiatry for MD on an outpatient basis? Look, I just want to say, if we're talking about schizophrenia, especially since you're dealing with the juvenile onset type, you absolutely *have* to stay on your meds and keep up with your checkups!!! Just remember, it's a heavy diagnosis to carry, but there is ALWAYS hope!
And again, don't be scared! You aren't alone in this!
Hang in there and let me know how things are going.

neonrider13 said:1. There’s this thing called manic-depressive psychosis, which people also just call bipolar disorder.

2. I'm wondering, does anyone in your family deal with mental health issues?

3. Are you on any kind of medication right now?

4. Are you seeing a psychiatrist for outpatient follow-ups?

5. Look, if we're talking about schizophrenia, given your situation, we have to consider the juvenile onset type,

6. so you absolutely have to stick to your prescribed meds and show up for those appointments!!!

7. Just remember, it's a heavy diagnosis to carry, but there is ALWAYS hope!

8. And seriously, don't be afraid!

1. Yeah, uh, yeah... psychosis... yeah, I think I read something about that somewhere...

2. My old man might have PTSD or whatever... he used to try and give me "shock therapy" back in the day... 😁

3. The doctor handed me 60 pills of Risperdal and said I should take them like this:
- half in the morning, a whole one at night... and later on during treatment, just a whole one at night...
- I haven't taken a single one since they let me out. I'm terrified of them. They turn you into a vegetable. I can't sit still. My heart starts racing. It feels like I'm trapped in an aquarium. And don't even get me started on the sexual dysfunction.

4. Nope. There were two times before where my dad lost it on me... so I ended up stuck in the hospital for a few days.

5. Is there a risk of suicide?
---> People living with schizophrenia often deal with intense depressive symptoms during the periods between psychotic episodes. About two out of ten patients will attempt suicide, and roughly half of those attempts are successful. Suicide is actually the leading cause of death for those with schizophrenia, mostly among young people.
For most, suicide is the result of depression hitting hard when the psychotic symptoms fade or aren't present, leaving the person with full clarity and insight into their illness. Sometimes, though, it can be triggered by auditory hallucinations or delusional thoughts.

6. But why? I'd much rather just hang out with my friends... vibe in the halls... pick up a girl... than act like a zombie. (I definitely can't say that to the doctor during our session)

7. I don't even feel sick... maybe that's the whole problem..?

8. I'm scared for my health... because from what I can tell, taking these pills might mess me up. I know they aren't addictive, but I don't want to be a vegetable, and I'm struggling with how to fight this without becoming one. Honestly, I'd rather just take heroin and be a vegetable for the money than deal with this... I mean, WHY... I'm telling you again, I don't feel sick... heh!? 😢

Look, I’m running a bit short on time right now, so I’ll just give you the quick rundown. I’ll be around this afternoon, so we can really dive into the details then.

1. It is super important that you get a handle on your exact diagnosis—mostly because of how you're going to treat it. You gotta know what you're actually fighting against.
2. PTSD is something you acquire; it's triggered by psychological trauma. What I was actually thinking about were psychoses (like schizophrenia, endogenous depression, bipolar disorder, etc.).
3. Taking antipsychotics is a marathon, not a sprint—your body needs time to adjust to them. If you just stop taking your meds, things can go south really fast and your health could take a massive hit. Here’s a link with some info on Risperdal:
Risperdal - www.depression.org
4. You really need to keep up with your regular check-ins with your psychiatrist. Unless they explicitly tell you that you don't need to come in anymore, stay on top of it. Don't try to play doctor on your own! I mean, if you had pneumonia, you wouldn't just skip your follow-ups with an infectious disease specialist or a pulmonologist, right?
5. That part is true. But since I don't know your specific diagnosis, I can't say for sure if it applies to you. Either way, just keep those points in mind!
6. Man, what you're doing is seriously risky business! We can chat more about it later, but in the meantime, please remember this:

It’s actually pretty wild how schizophrenia symptoms can be triggered by using hallucinogens like THC (cannabis), LSD, and stuff like that.

I'm literally quoting straight from a Psychiatry for MD textbook here!
7. Honestly, almost no psychiatric patient is fully aware of their condition while they're in the thick of it. Once someone becomes self-aware and starts recognizing the signs, they’ve already made huge strides in managing the illness. One of the biggest breakthroughs in treating psychosis is that exact moment when a patient realizes, "Hey, I am actually sick."
8. Like I said, don't be scared! You aren't in this alone!
Catch ya later! Let me know what you think about all this! And seriously, give it some thought.

Alright, let's just say no more massive bets for me...

...I totally forgot to mention a pretty huge detail here.... I'm actually a math major, and I just finished my MC.

There are these stretches where I’m just incredibly happy, laughing my head off... but then there are times when I know I’m gonna be miserable and depressed.

Honestly, reality sucks... I just want to escape... for reasons I can't even fully pin down...

THC is such a vibe because the laughter is constant, that weird stomach fluttering sensation... 🤣 etc... it puts me in such a good mood.... especially since I have this wild imagination where I constantly play out "what if" scenarios in my head... same thing there... I know tons of jokes... and my life is slowly turning into one big punchline. For every single situation, I've got a joke or a witty comeback ready... so I'm basically turning my existence into a comedy routine... heh... and honestly, that's just how I carry myself... 😁

....My whole life has basically shrunk down to just "researching" things.... and obviously, Google is basically God.
...I even cooked up some sodium cyanide at home... just waiting for a "crisis moment" to hit.
--> though I doubt it'll ever happen because I still have "important" stuff left to do in life... yeah right... 🙂

...I know a little about everything... and since Google knows everything, it's all right there.

And that's how it all started..... about 20 days ago, I tried taking way too much nutmeg... man, you guys.... I ended up $3.25 poisoning myself 🤣 and ended up hooked to an IV line in the ER.... woke up from a coma... was tripping for three days straight.... hi hi
...okay, looking back, it's funny now... and, you know what, I really wouldn't want to go through that again.

The diagnosis: drug abuse. ... Google isn't finding anything useful under that term.
I mean, okay... "substance abuse"... sure, you could conclude that... but that's not a diagnosis... that sounds more like some dusty old record entry...

Clearly, the doctor must have been huffing a little ether while writing this up 😁 ... or they just had absolutely no clue what to diagnose me with.

And hey, I even know some French... la vache qui passe le téléphone est mâchée .... LOL 🤣 🤣

mistyseal11 said:doctor, please help me.

Look, man, you’re incredibly young, and honestly—what you're doing right now is a total train wreck. It’s hard for me to give you any solid advice without an official diagnosis, but just assuming we might be looking at early-onset schizophrenia... look, you aren't stupid. You graduated from one of those brutal prep schools and you're tackling a tough university major—so why on earth are you gambling with your health like this?

1. You haven't seen a psychiatrist for an evaluation or even gone back for follow-ups.
2. You're using hallucinogens—cannabis and stuff like that—even though you know perfectly well they can seriously mess you up (like triggering psychosis).
3. You aren't taking the medication you were actually prescribed.

Basically, you aren't lifting a finger to help yourself; you're just making things worse. And then you have the nerve to ask for help?!?
I totally get that you're curious and that being high feels great, but you've gotta realize there's a massive price tag attached to that lifestyle. Especially for someone in your position!!! What would you say to someone who was diagnosed with lung cancer, went through surgery and treatment, and then immediately started smoking cigarettes again and skipped all their doctor appointments? And then had the audacity to complain that nobody understands them, that people don't want to help, or that the doctors are just terrible? What would you even say to a person like that?

I’ve realized that whenever a crisis hits, I just hit this total mental wall...

It's like, I just freeze up... and then the tremors start... honestly, I just shake... I start rambling incoherently, and the hallucinations kick in... visual, auditory, even smelling stuff... communication just becomes a massive struggle...

Everything starts triggering some random association in my head... if I actually tried to vocalize what was happening, it would sound like "green tractor field next to paved roads sun deer smiley face yeti quotes idiot violin building street snow soft Audi TT Lara Croft..."

I finally came to the conclusion today that all this weirdness actually started right after I quit using THC...

I don't feel like I have this huge craving for it... but you know, like, "why wouldn't it be better to just switch things up a bit?" 🙄

In the USA, you can literally get heroin via prescription, wtf? ...what even counts as a drug anymore?
Like, nutmeg? A spice? ...yeah right link

There is so much stuff out there that's totally legal... I seriously can't wait for summer so everything can just bloom... he he

I want help that works... like, overnight... I don't want some long-term treatment plan... I hate waiting around... it drives me insane...
....I've been through all sorts of therapy sessions and whatever... but I still can't figure out what's actually wrong with me....
...The doctor who suggested Zoloft mentioned I should probably check my serotonin levels... and apparently Risperdal blocks it...

Besides that... I'm scared of pills... in a way... I really don't want to go through what Risperdal and Prazozin did to me again...

I actually like Xanax... the doctor gave it to me (the first time—at the ER) who then proceeded to poison me with Risperdal two months later when I went back to the ER for a week...

Also... a diagnosis can't exactly be "contradictory guy"...

I say one thing and do another.... people would call me an "actor"... maybe....

And I've noticed I'm really good at acting happy for my parents just so they don't worry. Once I know they aren't worried... then I feel a little better myself. It's the same trick I used on the doctor to get discharged... because I acted like I was doing great... I'm terrified of going to those places because they might end up restricting my freedom. They'll label me a danger to society and stuff... but whatever... if I screw up... I'll just run... and nobody can catch me... assuming I'm one of them... that I have some kind of decent job... I don't need much for a measly paycheck... and I'm happy... living in my own little imaginary world of movies... hallucinations... and spiritual experiences

I can't bring myself to write a book because I just don't have the patience... even though I really could... or maybe some suggestions for a screenplay... I have so many morbid ideas... so many intriguing concepts... so many questions... all coming from my sick mind...

😈

indigo!

btw, this is more for the psychology crowd... go check that out, you'll find some pretty interesting people hanging out there...
see you!

Elizabeth Allen84 said:indigo!

btw this is more for psychology stuff... go check that out, you'll find some interesting folks there...
see you!

You really think so? I mean, hold on, who's actually gonna buy into that?
Psychology is expensive, man, and honestly, it's just not in my budget right now...

I'm just out here looking for world peace and hoping everyone just leaves me alone to do my thing, because whatever I end up doing, I'll figure it out—I don't need much to get by...

Honestly, it’d be a total pro move to sit down with your folks before you head off to college and start hunting for some "interesting social circle"—just have a real talk with them about seeing a psychiatrist. There is absolutely zero reason to feel embarrassed about it. Just be brave and do the smart thing. 😘

Grace Carter80 said:It would be a really good move to sit down with your parents before you head off to see a psychologist or start looking for some "interesting social circle," just talk to them and work out a plan to see a psychiatrist. There's seriously no shame in it. Just be brave and make the smart call. 😘

So I talked to my folks... and yeah, I've already been to both the psychologist and the psychiatrist...

What can they even do for me when I give them exactly what they're looking for? Every single time. I know exactly what they're trying to get at with those questions... and I give them the perfect, precise answers.

They can't help me...

Hypnosis? ... why even bother messing around with that stuff?