Does this condition have a name?

Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. Honestly, I’m in a really bad spot right now, which is why I’m asking you to please just listen—or rather, read—what I have to say here...

Here’s the breakdown of my situation:

Please, if anyone can help, I need it. I deal with Borderline Personality Disorder. Looking back, I’ve also struggled with nervous breakdowns, anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and health anxiety (well, at least that's how I experience it)
I am pathologically addicted to cigarettes.
And sometimes, I fall into gambling too... I'm hooked there as well.

The core issue is that I constantly need to be "on something." But there's a catch: if one tiny little detail goes wrong, my entire drive for that thing just vanishes instantly. (For example, if I'm collecting photos and find one microscopic smudge on one photo out of a thousand, I immediately lose all interest in the whole collection)....
(It's the same if I don't register for a site before midnight for some hobby I planned; suddenly, the whole thing feels pointless)
Also, everything I "do" has to be recorded somewhere...
My hobbies usually involve things like programming, collecting stuff, or even playing online games.
But just like everything else, I either dive in headfirst or lose interest incredibly fast.

Maybe that sounds somewhat harmless, right? Well, it isn't!

When I have my "fix," I'm all smiles, motivated, social... I'm at my absolute best. But when I don't have it? It's the exact opposite. It's pure hell, plain and simple!
There is no downtime between one stimulant and the next. As soon as I get sick of one thing, I immediately hunt for the next. As time goes on, I just get more restless, tense, irritable, and depressed. There have actually been moments where I've had suicidal thoughts or felt like I needed hospitalization... all because I didn't have "that" thing...

Some people—probably most people—would probably tell me to just go dig a hole, go for a run, or ride a bike...
But that doesn't work for me. No matter what I do, if it isn't being logged in a physical notebook or saved on a server, the activity feels completely meaningless to me.
A hobby might kill time while I'm feeling "normal," but it doesn't come close to providing what I actually need...
Even when I'm just waking up, my brain is already asking, "Is there 'something' available, and is it 'clean'"...

I view this as a sickness or an addiction, and I feel powerless to fight it.
In my opinion, this is worse than alcohol, drugs, or gambling combined!

Does this specific thing have a name? Is there anyone else on this planet dealing with the exact same struggle? If you can figure out what this is or if it's even curable, please let me know.
Help me before this destroys me down to my very last atom!

Thanks for reading. Best regards.

Hey there.
I wouldn't go so far as to call "that" a disease...
Personally, I’d just label it perfectionism (basically, everything has to follow the plan perfectly, or you'll be incredibly frustrated very soon XD)
I also think you might be looking for some kind of reward or sense of achievement when you try to capture or document things. Maybe you just don't want what you're doing to feel pointless, like you're just killing time.

Steven Richardson46 said:Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. Honestly, I’m in a really bad spot right now, which is why I’m asking you to please just listen—or rather, read—what I have to say here...

Here’s the breakdown of my situation:

Please, if anyone can help, I need it. I deal with Borderline Personality Disorder. Looking back, I’ve also struggled with nervous breakdowns, anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and health anxiety (well, at least that's how I experience it)
I am pathologically addicted to cigarettes.
And sometimes, I fall into gambling too... I'm hooked there as well.

The core issue is that I constantly need to be "on something." But there's a catch: if one tiny little detail goes wrong, my entire drive for that thing just vanishes instantly. (For example, if I'm collecting photos and find one microscopic smudge on one photo out of a thousand, I immediately lose all interest in the whole collection)....
(It's the same if I don't register for a site before midnight for some hobby I planned; suddenly, the whole thing feels pointless)
Also, everything I "do" has to be recorded somewhere...
My hobbies usually involve things like programming, collecting stuff, or even playing online games.
But just like everything else, I either dive in headfirst or lose interest incredibly fast.

Maybe that sounds somewhat harmless, right? Well, it isn't!

When I have my "fix," I'm all smiles, motivated, social... I'm at my absolute best. But when I don't have it? It's the exact opposite. It's pure hell, plain and simple!
There is no downtime between one stimulant and the next. As soon as I get sick of one thing, I immediately hunt for the next. As time goes on, I just get more restless, tense, irritable, and depressed. There have actually been moments where I've had suicidal thoughts or felt like I needed hospitalization... all because I didn't have "that" thing...

Some people—probably most people—would probably tell me to just go dig a hole, go for a run, or ride a bike...
But that doesn't work for me. No matter what I do, if it isn't being logged in a physical notebook or saved on a server, the activity feels completely meaningless to me.
A hobby might kill time while I'm feeling "normal," but it doesn't come close to providing what I actually need...
Even when I'm just waking up, my brain is already asking, "Is there 'something' available, and is it 'clean'"...

I view this as a sickness or an addiction, and I feel powerless to fight it.
In my opinion, this is worse than alcohol, drugs, or gambling combined!

Does this specific thing have a name? Is there anyone else on this planet dealing with the exact same struggle? If you can figure out what this is or if it's even curable, please let me know.
Help me before this destroys me down to my very last atom!

Thanks for reading. Best regards.

To me, this sounds a lot like OCD.

Steven Richardson46 said:Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. Honestly, I’m in a really bad spot right now, which is why I’m asking you to please just listen—or rather, read—what I have to say here...

Here’s the breakdown of my situation:

Please, if anyone can help, I need it. I deal with Borderline Personality Disorder. Looking back, I’ve also struggled with nervous breakdowns, anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and health anxiety (well, at least that's how I experience it)
I am pathologically addicted to cigarettes.
And sometimes, I fall into gambling too... I'm hooked there as well.

The core issue is that I constantly need to be "on something." But there's a catch: if one tiny little detail goes wrong, my entire drive for that thing just vanishes instantly. (For example, if I'm collecting photos and find one microscopic smudge on one photo out of a thousand, I immediately lose all interest in the whole collection)....
(It's the same if I don't register for a site before midnight for some hobby I planned; suddenly, the whole thing feels pointless)
Also, everything I "do" has to be recorded somewhere...
My hobbies usually involve things like programming, collecting stuff, or even playing online games.
But just like everything else, I either dive in headfirst or lose interest incredibly fast.

Maybe that sounds somewhat harmless, right? Well, it isn't!

When I have my "fix," I'm all smiles, motivated, social... I'm at my absolute best. But when I don't have it? It's the exact opposite. It's pure hell, plain and simple!
There is no downtime between one stimulant and the next. As soon as I get sick of one thing, I immediately hunt for the next. As time goes on, I just get more restless, tense, irritable, and depressed. There have actually been moments where I've had suicidal thoughts or felt like I needed hospitalization... all because I didn't have "that" thing...

Some people—probably most people—would probably tell me to just go dig a hole, go for a run, or ride a bike...
But that doesn't work for me. No matter what I do, if it isn't being logged in a physical notebook or saved on a server, the activity feels completely meaningless to me.
A hobby might kill time while I'm feeling "normal," but it doesn't come close to providing what I actually need...
Even when I'm just waking up, my brain is already asking, "Is there 'something' available, and is it 'clean'"...

I view this as a sickness or an addiction, and I feel powerless to fight it.
In my opinion, this is worse than alcohol, drugs, or gambling combined!

Does this specific thing have a name? Is there anyone else on this planet dealing with the exact same struggle? If you can figure out what this is or if it's even curable, please let me know.
Help me before this destroys me down to my very last atom!

Thanks for reading. Best regards.

This feels like it might be some kind of short circuit in your dopamine receptors. What are your usual habits like? How many hours a day are you online, and how's your diet, sleep, and everything else?

Gerald Sanchez46 said:Hey there.
I wouldn't go so far as to call "that" a disease...
Personally, I’d just label it perfectionism (basically, everything has to follow the plan perfectly, or you'll be incredibly frustrated very soon XD)
I also think you might be looking for some kind of reward or sense of achievement when you try to capture or document things. Maybe you just don't want what you're doing to feel pointless, like you're just killing time.

You hit the nail right on the head!
So yeah, I am looking for some sort of payoff—it doesn't have to be huge—and I basically hate the idea of feeling like I'm just wasting my life away..
But this mindset is so hardwired into my brain at this point that I don't really have any control over it anymore...

Joseph Bailey41 said:To me, this sounds a lot like OCD.

This feels like it might be some kind of short circuit in your dopamine receptors. What are your usual habits like? How many hours a day are you online, and how's your diet, sleep, and everything else?

I stay online as long as I feel like it; I honestly have no clue about the exact timing. If I'm not programming or "playing" a game, I'm almost never on. When I am, it's usually about 2 to 4 hours. I eat a ton because I take two Zeprex pills a day.. They slow down my metabolism and ramp up my appetite. (Which is a "perfect" combination, clearly).
Sometimes I hit the sack around midnight, other times it's closer to 1 or 2 AM, and then I sleep until about 11.
Though, occasionally, I'll end up nodding off for an hour or two during the day. It doesn't happen constantly, though.
Back when I was working that six-month season, I obviously wasn't getting nearly as much sleep.

Just to add to that, when I'm not dealing with "that," I barely even think about gambling, and my behavior starts bordering on "addict-level." So, you can imagine how messed up that gets...
I don't know anyone else with a similar or identical struggle, so I'm basically left to deal with the misery on my own. The psychologist I've been seeing for nearly four years tells me that if I just stay away from screens for a few days, my brain will reset itself. I tried that, but I simply can't—I'll snap! Right now, having nothing to do feels terrible, like I haven't even had a cigarette in a few hours...

My usual routine is going for a walk, grabbing a coffee, hanging out, or just focusing on/thinking about "that."

By the way, I forgot to mention that back in 2013, I dealt with a brief psychotic episode.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention—having some actual self-discipline helps me dial back the perfectionism just a little bit..

Steven Richardson46 said:You hit the nail right on the head!
So yeah, I am looking for some sort of payoff—it doesn't have to be huge—and I basically hate the idea of feeling like I'm just wasting my life away..
But this mindset is so hardwired into my brain at this point that I don't really have any control over it anymore...

I stay online as long as I feel like it; I honestly have no clue about the exact timing. If I'm not programming or "playing" a game, I'm almost never on. When I am, it's usually about 2 to 4 hours. I eat a ton because I take two Zeprex pills a day.. They slow down my metabolism and ramp up my appetite. (Which is a "perfect" combination, clearly).
Sometimes I hit the sack around midnight, other times it's closer to 1 or 2 AM, and then I sleep until about 11.
Though, occasionally, I'll end up nodding off for an hour or two during the day. It doesn't happen constantly, though.
Back when I was working that six-month season, I obviously wasn't getting nearly as much sleep.

Just to add to that, when I'm not dealing with "that," I barely even think about gambling, and my behavior starts bordering on "addict-level." So, you can imagine how messed up that gets...
I don't know anyone else with a similar or identical struggle, so I'm basically left to deal with the misery on my own. The psychologist I've been seeing for nearly four years tells me that if I just stay away from screens for a few days, my brain will reset itself. I tried that, but I simply can't—I'll snap! Right now, having nothing to do feels terrible, like I haven't even had a cigarette in a few hours...

My usual routine is going for a walk, grabbing a coffee, hanging out, or just focusing on/thinking about "that."

By the way, I forgot to mention that back in 2013, I dealt with a brief psychotic episode.

Did you feel this way before you started taking the medication?

No

That might be it, then. If I were in your shoes, I’d ask about switching up the treatment plan or just getting a referral for a second opinion. If we're talking about a transient psychotic episode, I don't see any reason for you to keep taking substances that mess with your cognitive functions.

OCD doesn't just show up in one way; it’s more like a gateway drug for all sorts of other mental health struggles. Honestly, for a lot of people dealing with various psychological issues, OCD is usually the root cause—and based on what you're describing, it sounds like that's the case for you too. If I were you, I'd tackle that head-on first, because everything else seems to be branching off from it. Speaking as a psychologist, I've seen this pattern play out more times than I can count.

Hey everyone, just checking in after being MIA for a while. I finally managed to break free from those obsessions... Honestly, it came down to pure self-discipline, staying optimistic, and basically just learning how to mentally block out the noise before it takes hold. No therapy or anything like that required, just grit.
With every new day, things are finally starting to shift more and more..

Thanks for sticking by me regardless.