Feeling like a total failure

I realized while working in the molecular biology lab that this field just isn't for me—but I’ve been white-knuckling it this far. Everyone kept telling me to just finish what I started... So many years wasted, when my heart was always pulling me toward painting, sculpting, and all those "childish" pursuits. I ended up enrolling in a PhD program just because everyone else was doing it—it felt like the only way to avoid being stuck as a high school teacher forever.😢
Even when I manage to scrape by on an exam or a term paper, the whole thing just crushes me. I feel like I'm going to snap.

I'm drifting further and further away from what actually matters to me. What kills me most is knowing I actually have talent—some of my amateur sculptures have even gotten praise—but I'm past thirty now. I've got a wife and kids to think about, so I need a paycheck. I hate my job, and honestly, I hate myself for being such a coward. Now I don't even have the time to take a class, and I definitely don't have the expertise required for AT&T 🤷

I want to switch careers, but I'm terrified it's too late and that I've already blown my shot at life.
Sometimes I think about just running away... but then I think about being broke... and about my kids, who'll end up being teased by their classmates for having a "starving artist" dad.

I was always the star student, and my parents are so proud of their future PhD, but underneath it all, I'm just filled with self-loathing. I know deep down that as a scientist, I'm a total zero and just lazy. I read research papers without understanding them and without any passion. I loathe it. I hate the lab. Even the people there—the ones who are actually upbeat and hardworking—aren't bad people. But I despise them; I subconsciously resent them for my own failures. It drives me crazy seeing them do better than me.

I want to work, and I have the energy and the drive, just not for pipettes and microscopes. Not for writing abstracts or running statistical tests.

Please—give me some advice, because if I keep going like this, this frustration is going to permanently kill my spirit and my will to live.

Samuel Phillips2 said:I realized while working in the molecular biology lab that this field just isn't for me—but I’ve been white-knuckling it this far. Everyone kept telling me to just finish what I started... So many years wasted, when my heart was always pulling me toward painting, sculpting, and all those "childish" pursuits. I ended up enrolling in a PhD program just because everyone else was doing it—it felt like the only way to avoid being stuck as a high school teacher forever.😢
Even when I manage to scrape by on an exam or a term paper, the whole thing just crushes me. I feel like I'm going to snap.

I'm drifting further and further away from what actually matters to me. What kills me most is knowing I actually have talent—some of my amateur sculptures have even gotten praise—but I'm past thirty now. I've got a wife and kids to think about, so I need a paycheck. I hate my job, and honestly, I hate myself for being such a coward. Now I don't even have the time to take a class, and I definitely don't have the expertise required for AT&T 🤷

I want to switch careers, but I'm terrified it's too late and that I've already blown my shot at life.
Sometimes I think about just running away... but then I think about being broke... and about my kids, who'll end up being teased by their classmates for having a "starving artist" dad.

I was always the star student, and my parents are so proud of their future PhD, but underneath it all, I'm just filled with self-loathing. I know deep down that as a scientist, I'm a total zero and just lazy. I read research papers without understanding them and without any passion. I loathe it. I hate the lab. Even the people there—the ones who are actually upbeat and hardworking—aren't bad people. But I despise them; I subconsciously resent them for my own failures. It drives me crazy seeing them do better than me.

I want to work, and I have the energy and the drive, just not for pipettes and microscopes. Not for writing abstracts or running statistical tests.

Please—give me some advice, because if I keep going like this, this frustration is going to permanently kill my spirit and my will to live.

do something before it reaches that point...

I’m actually in a very similar boat myself; I’ve dedicated my entire life to the arts, but because of some physical limitations, I just can’t turn it into my main way of paying the bills.
Honestly, maybe it’s for the best! Just imagine if you were trying to support a whole family solely through sculpture—the sheer crushing pressure of feeling like you're failing your kids if you can't provide what they deserve would be overwhelming. I truly believe that if you had to rely on it for survival, you’d end up resenting both the sculpting and art in general.
What I mean is, why not dive headfirst into sculpting as an intense, passionate hobby since it brings you so much joy? That’s exactly how I handled my own situation, and let me tell you, I feel absolutely wonderful! I have this close friend who is a phenomenal musician—he actually studied at the Juilliard School in New York—but now he’s finishing up a law degree at Yale for the exact same reason of financial stability. He still plays music constantly, but he does it purely for the love of it, and he’s incredibly successful and happy because he gets to do what he loves while having a solid, reliable career to fall back on.
I’m not sure how much comfort this provides, but ever since art stopped being my primary source of income that I depend on, I find myself enjoying it so much more!🙂

William Lee3 said:do something before it reaches that point...

Do what? I'm stuck in Chicago for work four days a week—then I spend the other three back home with family. I can't exactly spend my time off out in the garage hacking away at some firewood.

hmm...
I’m currently a biology major, and honestly, I guess I just can't wrap my head around how someone could possibly stick it out through four years of undergrad and then push all the way through a PhD if they aren't actually passionate about the subject matter much at all. 😕
It doesn't really strike me as being quite like studying something like business or economics where you might feel like, okay, I'll just power through this degree because I'm not entirely sure what else I'd do with my life (and hey, no offense intended to the econ majors, I definitely don't mean to imply that everyone does that)!
And when it comes to the whole creativity argument, I mean, wouldn't you say that biology actually offers up such a massive amount of opportunities where you really need to be creative? Plus, just purely out of curiosity, where on earth did you manage to find such an amazing job that offers a four-day work week with three days off?

bluetiger23 said:hmm...
I’m currently a biology major, and honestly, I guess I just can't wrap my head around how someone could possibly stick it out through four years of undergrad and then push all the way through a PhD if they aren't actually passionate about the subject matter much at all. 😕
It doesn't really strike me as being quite like studying something like business or economics where you might feel like, okay, I'll just power through this degree because I'm not entirely sure what else I'd do with my life (and hey, no offense intended to the econ majors, I definitely don't mean to imply that everyone does that)!
And when it comes to the whole creativity argument, I mean, wouldn't you say that biology actually offers up such a massive amount of opportunities where you really need to be creative? Plus, just purely out of curiosity, where on earth did you manage to find such an amazing job that offers a four-day work week with three days off?

Why wouldn't it be clear? I studied, pulled all-nighters, and took the exams. I was a pretty solid student, so I made it through everything—minus one failed year, obviously.

bluetiger23 said:hmm...
I’m currently a biology major, and honestly, I guess I just can't wrap my head around how someone could possibly stick it out through four years of undergrad and then push all the way through a PhD if they aren't actually passionate about the subject matter much at all. 😕
It doesn't really strike me as being quite like studying something like business or economics where you might feel like, okay, I'll just power through this degree because I'm not entirely sure what else I'd do with my life (and hey, no offense intended to the econ majors, I definitely don't mean to imply that everyone does that)!
And when it comes to the whole creativity argument, I mean, wouldn't you say that biology actually offers up such a massive amount of opportunities where you really need to be creative? Plus, just purely out of curiosity, where on earth did you manage to find such an amazing job that offers a four-day work week with three days off?

Maybe. If you're at the postdoc level running your own project, sure—you might actually find some passion there. But even then, that's only if you enjoy long-term slogs where you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. A project that drags on for three years just to pile up data isn't exactly like sculpting clay or carving wood, where you actually see results in a month.

bluetiger23 said:hmm...
I’m currently a biology major, and honestly, I guess I just can't wrap my head around how someone could possibly stick it out through four years of undergrad and then push all the way through a PhD if they aren't actually passionate about the subject matter much at all. 😕
It doesn't really strike me as being quite like studying something like business or economics where you might feel like, okay, I'll just power through this degree because I'm not entirely sure what else I'd do with my life (and hey, no offense intended to the econ majors, I definitely don't mean to imply that everyone does that)!
And when it comes to the whole creativity argument, I mean, wouldn't you say that biology actually offers up such a massive amount of opportunities where you really need to be creative? Plus, just purely out of curiosity, where on earth did you manage to find such an amazing job that offers a four-day work week with three days off?

Since I'm a postdoc, I'm stuck at the lab for 16 hours straight on Wednesdays. I leave the NBA on Thursday afternoons, then I can try to crunch some data at home over the weekend.

Richard White16 said:I’m actually in a very similar boat myself; I’ve dedicated my entire life to the arts, but because of some physical limitations, I just can’t turn it into my main way of paying the bills.
Honestly, maybe it’s for the best! Just imagine if you were trying to support a whole family solely through sculpture—the sheer crushing pressure of feeling like you're failing your kids if you can't provide what they deserve would be overwhelming. I truly believe that if you had to rely on it for survival, you’d end up resenting both the sculpting and art in general.
What I mean is, why not dive headfirst into sculpting as an intense, passionate hobby since it brings you so much joy? That’s exactly how I handled my own situation, and let me tell you, I feel absolutely wonderful! I have this close friend who is a phenomenal musician—he actually studied at the Juilliard School in New York—but now he’s finishing up a law degree at Yale for the exact same reason of financial stability. He still plays music constantly, but he does it purely for the love of it, and he’s incredibly successful and happy because he gets to do what he loves while having a solid, reliable career to fall back on.
I’m not sure how much comfort this provides, but ever since art stopped being my primary source of income that I depend on, I find myself enjoying it so much more!🙂

There's a lot of truth in that... I've thought about it. But if I had a standard 9-to-5—something routine where I could just switch off—it wouldn't be nearly this hard.

A PhD demands total emotional exhaustion...

I’m on board with the whole hobby idea.
But let’s be real—how are you actually going to find the time for it? Where in the near or distant future do you honestly see an opening in your schedule?

That PhD isn't going to last forever—and honestly, once you have the title, you’ll likely see a bump in pay. That extra cushion means you can work less for the same amount to support the family and actually focus on a hobby. You're young; thirty isn't old. I remember reading about this famous painter who spent her whole life wanting to paint, but didn't even pick up the brush until she retired—maybe seventy years old or something like that. She ended up becoming quite successful. I can't recall her name, 🤔
.

So, I finish the PhD and head straight into a postdoc. Same old routine. Time is slipping away, I'm sinking deeper into academia... and yet I feel further than ever from those childhood dreams.
I wonder where that turning point actually is. What has to happen before I finally get to do what I’m actually built for?

Switching careers is pretty standard out here. But what about in the US?

Samuel Phillips2 said:So, I finish the PhD and head straight into a postdoc. Same old routine. Time is slipping away, I'm sinking deeper into academia... and yet I feel further than ever from those childhood dreams.
I wonder where that turning point actually is. What has to happen before I finally get to do what I’m actually built for?

I'm asking myself the same thing.

Look, you're actually in a great spot because you know exactly what direction you want to take. There are plenty of people out there juggling full-time jobs, kids, and endless errands, having absolutely no clue what they want to do with their lives—they're just drifting. You have a goal.

Why a postdoc, though?

Thanks for the kind words...

placidranger said:I'm asking myself the same thing.

Look, you're actually in a great spot because you know exactly what direction you want to take. There are plenty of people out there juggling full-time jobs, kids, and endless errands, having absolutely no clue what they want to do with their lives—they're just drifting. You have a goal.

Why a postdoc, though?

It’s just the standard path for researchers—kind of like a highway... once you have the PhD, there aren't many other exits... maybe a role at a big pharma company like Pfizer, or an adjunct gig at some university...

I read your "tragic" story, and I have to wonder what you're actually aiming for here. Are you looking for us to admire you because you're chasing a PhD? Or should we pity you for being a victim of circumstance? At the end of the day, you are a grown man. You aren't dependent on your parents for their validation, praise, or critiques. Just drop the doctorate and everything else making you miserable. Get a job teaching at a local high school—the pay is decent, the hours are great—and spend your free time doing what you actually love. Stop playing the victim. Pick a path and own it. No one can force you to do something you hate. If you're obsessed with titles and prestige, then grit your teeth and be a respected, bitter, frustrated academic. But if you realize life is too short to chase empty accolades and you'd rather just be happy every day—even with a smaller paycheck or some judgment from neighbors—then make a radical change.
I am not trying to insult you. I know things are tough right now... but your life and your choices belong to you. We can't fix this for you; we can only offer advice that might seem a bit unsolicited. It is a losing game to just drift along and feel hopeless every single day.
Best regards,

Tyler Clark5 said:I read your "tragic" story, and I have to wonder what you're actually aiming for here. Are you looking for us to admire you because you're chasing a PhD? Or should we pity you for being a victim of circumstance? At the end of the day, you are a grown man. You aren't dependent on your parents for their validation, praise, or critiques. Just drop the doctorate and everything else making you miserable. Get a job teaching at a local high school—the pay is decent, the hours are great—and spend your free time doing what you actually love. Stop playing the victim. Pick a path and own it. No one can force you to do something you hate. If you're obsessed with titles and prestige, then grit your teeth and be a respected, bitter, frustrated academic. But if you realize life is too short to chase empty accolades and you'd rather just be happy every day—even with a smaller paycheck or some judgment from neighbors—then make a radical change.
I am not trying to insult you. I know things are tough right now... but your life and your choices belong to you. We can't fix this for you; we can only offer advice that might seem a bit unsolicited. It is a losing game to just drift along and feel hopeless every single day.
Best regards,

Blunt and honest. Respect. 👍
If you actually met my old man and heard his take on art... you'd understand why I'm stuck in this "pitiful grad student" phase, living back home on weekends.

And trust me, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Most people my age already have a decade of career under their belts, cars, and houses, while I'm still stuck in the classroom. 😠

But honestly, a radical change sounds better than sitting on the fence just to chase those "titles and social status" you mentioned.

I don't want to sound like a know-it-all since I'm still just a high school student myself, but I’m actually dealing with something very similar:
I just finished my sophomore year, and while my grades have stayed pretty solid at straight A's, I absolutely loathe this school because my parents were the ones who forced me into it.
My heart was set on a liberal arts high school because that’s where my passions lie, but my mom insisted on a pre-med track because she’s convinced it’s the only way to ensure a stable career, a high salary, and constant respect in the community... and honestly, what am I supposed to do about my interest in the humanities?
I despise being here with everything in me; it has pushed me toward an eating disorder, deep depression, and lately, I’ve even had thoughts of ending it all.....

In theory, you're supposed to just ignore all the nonsense and follow your dreams, BUT, there's always that huge "but"................ I just don't know

A lot of people find themselves in a similar situation to yours.
I suppose you shouldn't let all of this weigh on you quite so heavily, mostly because your life isn't actually in a bad place, and I think it’s important to keep that in mind.
My own parents tend to view the arts through the lens of "you can't pay the rent with that," but if you feel certain about your path, maybe you should take the leap and head in a different direction.

If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't make any radical moves just yet, since financial security carries so much weight in today's world.
However, I wouldn't neglect the things that truly fulfill me and feed my soul either.
As a teaching assistant or a professor at a university, you'll likely have plenty of free time for your hobbies. Since you're still at the beginning of your career, things might feel more difficult now, but once you earn your credentials, you'll have much more time to dedicate to your art.
I guess you should just be patient until you've secured a steady job, and then you can pursue what actually makes you happy.
Life is long. Have patience.

Look, it’s never too late to flip the script and change everything up... honestly, when is it ever actually too late? And as for that whole "what will the neighbors think" thing—especially with the kids watching—please. Calling an artist a loser is such a tired trope, and frankly, I don't even know who still buys into that nonsense. I certainly don't. If being an artist makes you a loser, then we've got bigger problems. Besides, maybe there’s a middle ground where you find some soul-crushing corporate gig that requires half the effort, just so you can hoard all that extra free time for your actual craft...
What does your wife have to say about the whole situation? Because, well... if you guys have enough of a cushion in the bank to let you walk away from that lab job and just exist... then go for it. But if not, man, damn... you might just have to squeeze the painting and sculpting into those three or four days off you get...

Samuel Phillips2 said:Blunt and honest. Respect. 👍
If you actually met my old man and heard his take on art... you'd understand why I'm stuck in this "pitiful grad student" phase, living back home on weekends.

And trust me, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Most people my age already have a decade of career under their belts, cars, and houses, while I'm still stuck in the classroom. 😠

But honestly, a radical change sounds better than sitting on the fence just to chase those "titles and social status" you mentioned.

Honestly, I cannot stop thinking about your story.
It must be difficult when someone gives you a nickname like none and speaks about a wasted life. Do not worry about your peers and their outward appearances. Everyone behind those luxury cars, manicured homes, and smiling faces hides some kind of rot.
Chasing a career just to please your father is futile. Your father has his own life; he should earn his own doctorates and feed his own ego with diplomas. Try finding support from a partner instead.
In my opinion, it is not worth wasting your life over. There is a much greater purpose to existence. I do not intend to impose my beliefs on you.
Tomorrow is a new day. You have a better opportunity ahead, and you have the right to choose what brings you joy. If you do that, you will be much more successful. You might upset some people or cause arguments, but following someone else's expectations leads nowhere. If your parents truly love you, they will do everything to ensure their child is happy, even if it is not by their definition.

I wish you plenty of laughter in life. Find your purpose. I firmly believe this life holds much more meaning than seventy years of servitude under a gloomy sky.