Getting stuck in impossible relationships

Hey everyone. Sorry in advance if I just end up rambling endlessly here.
I’m starting this thread because I want to figure out my own patterns. I know I have them, but I don't quite get them yet. Basically, I keep getting into relationships with guys that end in total disaster. It hit me the other day that my last three romantic flings were practically carbon copies of each other: we meet up (usually out at a bar when everyone's had a few drinks), he’s totally into me, calls me constantly, asks me out for coffee, pulls all these sweet surprises and buys gifts. But once I actually get attached? He just vanishes. No calls, no texts, zero interest. Now I'm stuck wondering what I'm doing wrong. Am I taking things too seriously, or am I just incapable of keeping someone interested? What does psychology say about this? What are your experiences? Sometimes I feel like I "cling" to a guy, even though I'm never the one chasing or being annoying—it's just that once I realize he likes me, I'm hooked. Is the issue that I'm meeting these guys while we're all tipsy at a club, or is it just me? My personality? That desperate need to be liked that makes me lose my footing? The last guy was so obvious about wanting me—coffee dates, texting, the whole bit... and then nothing. Just ghosted.😕

So, anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to break these cycles we've basically programmed ourselves into?🤷

Nicholas Moore2 said:Hey everyone. Sorry in advance if I just end up rambling endlessly here.
I’m starting this thread because I want to figure out my own patterns. I know I have them, but I don't quite get them yet. Basically, I keep getting into relationships with guys that end in total disaster. It hit me the other day that my last three romantic flings were practically carbon copies of each other: we meet up (usually out at a bar when everyone's had a few drinks), he’s totally into me, calls me constantly, asks me out for coffee, pulls all these sweet surprises and buys gifts. But once I actually get attached? He just vanishes. No calls, no texts, zero interest. Now I'm stuck wondering what I'm doing wrong. Am I taking things too seriously, or am I just incapable of keeping someone interested? What does psychology say about this? What are your experiences? Sometimes I feel like I "cling" to a guy, even though I'm never the one chasing or being annoying—it's just that once I realize he likes me, I'm hooked. Is the issue that I'm meeting these guys while we're all tipsy at a club, or is it just me? My personality? That desperate need to be liked that makes me lose my footing? The last guy was so obvious about wanting me—coffee dates, texting, the whole bit... and then nothing. Just ghosted.😕

So, anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to break these cycles we've basically programmed ourselves into?🤷

Pretty interesting, lol. 😁

I don't know. There could be a lot of things at play here. Maybe you have this specific image of yourself that just ends up sabotaging everything during the process? Or maybe it’s aggression, insecurity, fear, or being way too cocky? Could be overreaching, too... or maybe just running away from commitment. Something like that. 🙂

Nicholas Moore2 said:Hey everyone. Sorry in advance if I just end up rambling endlessly here.
I’m starting this thread because I want to figure out my own patterns. I know I have them, but I don't quite get them yet. Basically, I keep getting into relationships with guys that end in total disaster. It hit me the other day that my last three romantic flings were practically carbon copies of each other: we meet up (usually out at a bar when everyone's had a few drinks), he’s totally into me, calls me constantly, asks me out for coffee, pulls all these sweet surprises and buys gifts. But once I actually get attached? He just vanishes. No calls, no texts, zero interest. Now I'm stuck wondering what I'm doing wrong. Am I taking things too seriously, or am I just incapable of keeping someone interested? What does psychology say about this? What are your experiences? Sometimes I feel like I "cling" to a guy, even though I'm never the one chasing or being annoying—it's just that once I realize he likes me, I'm hooked. Is the issue that I'm meeting these guys while we're all tipsy at a club, or is it just me? My personality? That desperate need to be liked that makes me lose my footing? The last guy was so obvious about wanting me—coffee dates, texting, the whole bit... and then nothing. Just ghosted.😕

So, anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to break these cycles we've basically programmed ourselves into?🤷

We're all just figuring it out as we move along. Constant learners, I guess. 😉

So, I’m wondering what exactly you mean by "your patterns." Here's the thing: we just manifest whatever we've been programmed to believe. If you want to be different, you actually have to learn something new. Period. If you're serious about changing who you are, the most effective move is usually forcing a change in your environment. Shake things up. You can also try some light meditation or basic autosuggestion, but honestly? Changing your surroundings usually does the heavy lifting.

You can pretty much spot your own communication flaws just by talking to people. It’s obvious once you start paying attention. You just need a bit of practice, then it becomes second nature. No big deal. 🙂

I honestly burst out laughing when I read this...

Honey, that isn't an issue. It is simply the reality of living in a world full of foolish men.😁

No, jokes aside. Perhaps the issue is that you attempt to secure a commitment too quickly. You give everything away too soon. Once they feel they have fully conquered you, they flee.

Your comment about waiting until you see that a man "likes" you suggests something else. Are you perhaps projecting an air of desperation? Do they run because they feel trapped?

And then there is the matter of being intoxicated. What kind of sane man would look for a serious partner after meeting someone while drunk? You are looking for romance in all the wrong places.

Amy Castillo8 said:I honestly burst out laughing when I read this...

Honey, that isn't an issue. It is simply the reality of living in a world full of foolish men.😁

No, jokes aside. Perhaps the issue is that you attempt to secure a commitment too quickly. You give everything away too soon. Once they feel they have fully conquered you, they flee.

Your comment about waiting until you see that a man "likes" you suggests something else. Are you perhaps projecting an air of desperation? Do they run because they feel trapped?

And then there is the matter of being intoxicated. What kind of sane man would look for a serious partner after meeting someone while drunk? You are looking for romance in all the wrong places.

The thing is, I don't go out specifically to find a boyfriend. I go out to have fun and unwind after a long work week. But you hit the nail on the head when you said I attach myself to people way too fast... it keeps happening. I realized I don't even stop to think if I actually like them or not. It's not always like this—sometimes I stay in for ages—but lately, I've been out so much I haven't slept properly in months. Why am I doing this? I don't know. And is it possible that being this hungry for romance actually smothers the relationship before it can even start?🤷

The pursuit is always more rewarding than the prize itself.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Pretty interesting, lol. 😁

I don't know. There could be a lot of things at play here. Maybe you have this specific image of yourself that just ends up sabotaging everything during the process? Or maybe it’s aggression, insecurity, fear, or being way too cocky? Could be overreaching, too... or maybe just running away from commitment. Something like that. 🙂

We're all just figuring it out as we move along. Constant learners, I guess. 😉

So, I’m wondering what exactly you mean by "your patterns." Here's the thing: we just manifest whatever we've been programmed to believe. If you want to be different, you actually have to learn something new. Period. If you're serious about changing who you are, the most effective move is usually forcing a change in your environment. Shake things up. You can also try some light meditation or basic autosuggestion, but honestly? Changing your surroundings usually does the heavy lifting.

You can pretty much spot your own communication flaws just by talking to people. It’s obvious once you start paying attention. You just need a bit of practice, then it becomes second nature. No big deal. 🙂

I don't even know which exact behavioral patterns I'm repeating, but I have issues with relationships in general... and I don't know how to change them. It's really hard for me to be "honest" when talking to people; I feel like I've built up a million walls and defense mechanisms... for example: the last guy I met surprised me by asking me out for coffee, and I went full paranoid and terrified, putting on a whole circus at that coffee date—making jokes, being goofy, cracking one-liners... I made him uncomfortable, couldn't focus on what he was saying, so I just ended up dominating the conversation ☕

...I don't know how to change my environment. I know I need to work on myself a lot, but I have no clue how or where to start... I feel like I'm carrying a million pounds of emotional baggage on my back... 🤷

Personally, I’ve had my fair share of these encounters, though I realize my perspective might differ from yours. Nowadays, when I encounter a woman who seems stuck in some sort of adolescent idealism—someone who has stuffed animals scattered across her room, laughs at every trivial little joke, or spends our time together chatting about nothing more than her latest manicure—it simply doesn't resonate with me. To be blunt, those behaviors are a total non-starter. And honestly, there are plenty of women out there like that. It would be a complete game-changer if she were to say something provocative, like she was feeling a bit lonely after watching a steamy movie, or perhaps mention how a chill in the room made her skin react in a certain way. That kind of raw, honest energy is what I crave. What else am I supposed to expect from a mature relationship if not a sophisticated sense of attraction? Instead, I often find myself met with endless chatter about shopping trips, gossip about friends, or mundane plans for grabbing coffee in downtown Chicago—all of which act as a massive turn-off for me.

Steven Miller80 said:Personally, I’ve had my fair share of these encounters, though I realize my perspective might differ from yours. Nowadays, when I encounter a woman who seems stuck in some sort of adolescent idealism—someone who has stuffed animals scattered across her room, laughs at every trivial little joke, or spends our time together chatting about nothing more than her latest manicure—it simply doesn't resonate with me. To be blunt, those behaviors are a total non-starter. And honestly, there are plenty of women out there like that. It would be a complete game-changer if she were to say something provocative, like she was feeling a bit lonely after watching a steamy movie, or perhaps mention how a chill in the room made her skin react in a certain way. That kind of raw, honest energy is what I crave. What else am I supposed to expect from a mature relationship if not a sophisticated sense of attraction? Instead, I often find myself met with endless chatter about shopping trips, gossip about friends, or mundane plans for grabbing coffee in downtown Chicago—all of which act as a massive turn-off for me.

So your big idea is that a woman should talk about her body or watching porn just because she's "bored." Great plan.

Steven Miller80 said:Personally, I’ve had my fair share of these encounters, though I realize my perspective might differ from yours. Nowadays, when I encounter a woman who seems stuck in some sort of adolescent idealism—someone who has stuffed animals scattered across her room, laughs at every trivial little joke, or spends our time together chatting about nothing more than her latest manicure—it simply doesn't resonate with me. To be blunt, those behaviors are a total non-starter. And honestly, there are plenty of women out there like that. It would be a complete game-changer if she were to say something provocative, like she was feeling a bit lonely after watching a steamy movie, or perhaps mention how a chill in the room made her skin react in a certain way. That kind of raw, honest energy is what I crave. What else am I supposed to expect from a mature relationship if not a sophisticated sense of attraction? Instead, I often find myself met with endless chatter about shopping trips, gossip about friends, or mundane plans for grabbing coffee in downtown Chicago—all of which act as a massive turn-off for me.

See how different experiences can be? 🤷 So, we aren't even talking about that kind of conversation here. Not even close.🙏

Nicholas Moore2 said:See how different experiences can be? 🤷 So, we aren't even talking about that kind of conversation here. Not even close.🙏

What are you actually getting at, though? Something general, maybe?

wiredjackal4 said:What are you actually getting at, though? Something general, maybe?

I talk about everything, but I wrap it all up in this perfect layer of sarcasm and wit (who knows if he actually gets the joke). It makes me look sweet and charming, which isn't my vibe, but hey—it works. He’s totally thrown off. Probably thinks I'm making fun of him... which, let's be honest, I am.🤷

Nicholas Moore2 said:I talk about everything, but I wrap it all up in this perfect layer of sarcasm and wit (who knows if he actually gets the joke). It makes me look sweet and charming, which isn't my vibe, but hey—it works. He’s totally thrown off. Probably thinks I'm making fun of him... which, let's be honest, I am.🤷

Who knows.

Nicholas Moore2 said:Hey everyone. Sorry in advance if I just end up rambling endlessly here.
I’m starting this thread because I want to figure out my own patterns. I know I have them, but I don't quite get them yet. Basically, I keep getting into relationships with guys that end in total disaster. It hit me the other day that my last three romantic flings were practically carbon copies of each other: we meet up (usually out at a bar when everyone's had a few drinks), he’s totally into me, calls me constantly, asks me out for coffee, pulls all these sweet surprises and buys gifts. But once I actually get attached? He just vanishes. No calls, no texts, zero interest. Now I'm stuck wondering what I'm doing wrong. Am I taking things too seriously, or am I just incapable of keeping someone interested? What does psychology say about this? What are your experiences? Sometimes I feel like I "cling" to a guy, even though I'm never the one chasing or being annoying—it's just that once I realize he likes me, I'm hooked. Is the issue that I'm meeting these guys while we're all tipsy at a club, or is it just me? My personality? That desperate need to be liked that makes me lose my footing? The last guy was so obvious about wanting me—coffee dates, texting, the whole bit... and then nothing. Just ghosted.😕

So, anyone else dealt with this? Any advice on how to break these cycles we've basically programmed ourselves into?🤷

Is that how you've met all your "guys"?

I don't know... I really don't want to go out on a limb here and start dragging guys through the mud by saying they're entirely to blame... but honestly? I think a lot of them are more deeply insecure than some of the women out there. And let's be real—trying to meet men out in the world when you're feeling totally drained and uninspired just isn't going to work in your favor. This current craze everyone is obsessed with isn't actually about making genuine connections...

At the end of the day, though... please don't fret too much. Everything will fall into place when the timing is right. 😁

Chloe Booth72 said:Is that how you've met all your "guys"?

...unfortunately, yeah...two long-term relationships ended in total disaster...my recent "flings" always follow that exact pattern...I started this thread because I'm trying to figure out why I act like this, where this self-sabotage comes from...and why I feel like meeting people only happens out at a bar, fueled by drinks...is this just how society works now? Because in my social circles, this is treated as totally normal...what I really want to know is why I feel such an intense need to impress someone (even when they're clearly into me) to the point where they end up completely confused by me...

Nicholas Moore2 said:...unfortunately, yeah...two long-term relationships ended in total disaster...my recent "flings" always follow that exact pattern...I started this thread because I'm trying to figure out why I act like this, where this self-sabotage comes from...and why I feel like meeting people only happens out at a bar, fueled by drinks...is this just how society works now? Because in my social circles, this is treated as totally normal...what I really want to know is why I feel such an intense need to impress someone (even when they're clearly into me) to the point where they end up completely confused by me...

Mickey Mouse, I honestly don't get what your issue is anymore 😕

I'm missing some key details here.

Do you meet them immediately at the club?
At what specific point do they stop reaching out?
If it happens right after sex, then you can find your own answers to those questions. 😬

Give me a brief rundown of your last experience like this.

and maybe you’re just so convinced that every single one of your relationships follows the exact same pattern that you're basically just helping them fall apart by acting this way.
i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm not pointing fingers at you or anything, but it just feels a little weird that you keep running into almost the exact same situation over and over again...

Chloe Booth72 said:Mickey Mouse, I honestly don't get what your issue is anymore 😕

I'm missing some key details here.

Do you meet them immediately at the club?
At what specific point do they stop reaching out?
If it happens right after sex, then you can find your own answers to those questions. 😬

Give me a brief rundown of your last experience like this.

For the sake of actually keeping this conversation going, let's stick to our forum handles... mine is Nicholas Moore2!

My last "case" happened over the last month and went something like this: he shows me he's interested, and I feel the same way. We spend an evening out at a concert, laughing our heads off, having a blast. We kiss at the end of the night and go our separate ways. Two days later, he surprises me by asking me out for coffee. During the date, I'm cracking jokes, trying way too hard to be cool, nonchalant, funny, whatever... he’s getting totally confused because nothing makes sense, but he kisses me again at the end. Later that day, I text him to see if he wants to grab a drink, and he says yes. A few days later, I'm out with friends and feeling pretty "festive," so I text him to see if he's out. He says he's out with his crew, so being all "high-spirited," I head to the bar where they are. I think I overdid it there. I ended up following him and his group to another bar, and then he basically sent me home with a couple of other people after giving me a goodbye kiss... instead of taking that as enough, I send him a text asking: "Coming over in 5?" ☕ He didn't reply until much later saying he saw the message too late, and since then, things have gone cold.☕
We hung out one more time over the weekend, where he told me I don't seem sincere and that I don't act like I actually care when we're out. Part of that is true, because I act the exact opposite of how I actually feel... this past weekend he asked me if he was boring me, or if I looked like I was just tolerating him... that's how it looks to him. I want to know how to stop these defense mechanisms, like my fake lack of interest in someone I actually like. 🤷

Dana Harris2 said:and maybe you’re just so convinced that every single one of your relationships follows the exact same pattern that you're basically just helping them fall apart by acting this way.
i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm not pointing fingers at you or anything, but it just feels a little weird that you keep running into almost the exact same situation over and over again...

You hit the nail on the head there...that's exactly how it feels to me...like every relationship is a carbon copy of the last one...it starts out perfect (before things get serious)...he's totally obsessed with me...I push hard to keep that spark alive for as long as possible...and then, suddenly, it's over...he just vanishes...literally...🤣☕

I've been thinking about this a lot and honestly? It probably all comes down to me and my messed up view of how people connect...I don't know, but clearly, I'm doing something wrong.🤷

Nicholas Moore2 said:For the sake of actually keeping this conversation going, let's stick to our forum handles... mine is Nicholas Moore2!

My last "case" happened over the last month and went something like this: he shows me he's interested, and I feel the same way. We spend an evening out at a concert, laughing our heads off, having a blast. We kiss at the end of the night and go our separate ways. Two days later, he surprises me by asking me out for coffee. During the date, I'm cracking jokes, trying way too hard to be cool, nonchalant, funny, whatever... he’s getting totally confused because nothing makes sense, but he kisses me again at the end. Later that day, I text him to see if he wants to grab a drink, and he says yes. A few days later, I'm out with friends and feeling pretty "festive," so I text him to see if he's out. He says he's out with his crew, so being all "high-spirited," I head to the bar where they are. I think I overdid it there. I ended up following him and his group to another bar, and then he basically sent me home with a couple of other people after giving me a goodbye kiss... instead of taking that as enough, I send him a text asking: "Coming over in 5?" ☕ He didn't reply until much later saying he saw the message too late, and since then, things have gone cold.☕
We hung out one more time over the weekend, where he told me I don't seem sincere and that I don't act like I actually care when we're out. Part of that is true, because I act the exact opposite of how I actually feel... this past weekend he asked me if he was boring me, or if I looked like I was just tolerating him... that's how it looks to him. I want to know how to stop these defense mechanisms, like my fake lack of interest in someone I actually like. 🤷

You're definitely overthinking this🤷. Maybe try to stop spiraling about them when they aren't even around? You just end up building these massive mental scenarios, then when you finally see them, you're trying way too hard to force things toward some script you saw in a movie or something. Just chill out. When you're relaxed, it’s easier to catch those little moments where you can show interest without it being a whole thing; honestly, that's way more attractive. In my opinion, people worth your time don't want to feel like they're being hunted or approached with some aggressive "blitzkrieg" energy—unless it's just something casual.

Second thing: when you're less wound up, it's easier to step back and really figure out how much you actually like him—which is what really matters here. 😉