How to heal from childhood emotional neglect?

I think most of my struggle is actually captured right there in the title, but let me try to unpack things a bit more clearly for you all.
Ever since my parents split up—which was when I was just three—it’s mostly been just me and my dad, with weekends spent at my mom's place. He was always such an emotionally distant guy; honestly, I don't even recall us having actual conversations when I was growing up. Then, when I was six, he remarried, and I ended up spending almost all my time with his new wife, who was even colder and much stricter than he was. Growing up in that kind of environment really took its toll on me, especially since I was such a sensitive kid—probably way too soft for my own good, if I'm being honest.
Now, you might be wondering why I didn't grow up with my mother. Well, she has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, and because of that medical reality, the court decided it was best for me to live with my father. Because of that forced, rigid discipline, I actually did pretty well in school, but looking back, what does academic success even matter when you end up feeling like everything is falling apart?
When I turned 17, these mental health struggles started creeping in, eventually spiraling into depression. My doctor and I have talked it through, and we both feel like the root cause traces back to that total lack of affection during my childhood. So, how do I fix this? How do I make up for lost time? I'm only 19, and I feel like I'm already starting from behind.

Seek out love from people who actually understand how to give it and receive it—whether that’s through friends, a partner, or even your extended family.
If you put kindness out into the world, I guess it eventually finds its way back to you.

As for parents, unfortunately, they aren't really people you can change.

James Allen6 said:Seek out love from people who actually understand how to give it and receive it—whether that’s through friends, a partner, or even your extended family.
If you put kindness out into the world, I guess it eventually finds its way back to you.

As for parents, unfortunately, they aren't really people you can change.

Because of my own mental health struggles, I just haven't been able to build up a solid circle of friends or find a girlfriend. These issues don't just appear out of thin air.🙂

In what way, exactly, do these mental health struggles act as a barrier to making friends?

It’s rough. And honestly, if you've spent your entire life dealing with nothing but garbage, getting used to actually having something good is going to be a massive struggle.
People like that—the ones who've been stuck in that mindset forever—are just heavy, dark souls who can't even stand to see someone else happy.
Maybe you'll manage to open up a bit down the road, once it finally clicks that most people out there aren't total disasters like the toxic crowd you grew up around.
Either way, man, it’s worth it to hang out with decent people, try to find some positivity, and actually attempt to enjoy being alive.
But look, you're gonna have to completely rewire how your brain works.

Walter Myers4, I suppose you could try to consider that people can be quite sensitive, even without you labeling them so negatively based on your own limited perspective.
I know a guy who used to be incredibly withdrawn and a bit odd—he dealt with some serious family chaos too—but over time he completely opened up and actually turned his life around for the better.

James Allen6 said:Walter Myers4, I suppose you could try to consider that people can be quite sensitive, even without you labeling them so negatively based on your own limited perspective.
I know a guy who used to be incredibly withdrawn and a bit odd—he dealt with some serious family chaos too—but over time he completely opened up and actually turned his life around for the better.

Well, newsflash: I'm sensitive too. I don't just go blabbering about stuff I don't actually know anything about.

James Allen6 said:In what way, exactly, do these mental health struggles act as a barrier to making friends?

Most people hang out by grabbing a beer, catching a game, or getting lost in video games... but none of that really appeals to me. If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you probably understand what I mean.😉
I’m also dealing with another issue that I didn't even realize was a recognized thing in psychology until recently. I can't quite put a clinical name to it, but it feels like this constant, intrusive thought that just takes over, making it impossible to focus on anything else or even think straight. It’s like half of your brain is being held hostage. It’s honestly pretty awful.
All of this—including the depression—just makes things difficult, whether I'm trying to hold a conversation or just focusing on my studies.

Harold Anderson3 said:Most people hang out by grabbing a beer, catching a game, or getting lost in video games... but none of that really appeals to me. If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you probably understand what I mean.😉
I’m also dealing with another issue that I didn't even realize was a recognized thing in psychology until recently. I can't quite put a clinical name to it, but it feels like this constant, intrusive thought that just takes over, making it impossible to focus on anything else or even think straight. It’s like half of your brain is being held hostage. It’s honestly pretty awful.
All of this—including the depression—just makes things difficult, whether I'm trying to hold a conversation or just focusing on my studies.

It's all that garbage you had to listen to growing up that messes with you.
If people are constantly drilling it into your head that you're a failure and that nothing you do is good enough, eventually, you're gonna start believing them.
Honestly? Screw parents like that.

Maybe something akin to OCD?

I think I follow your drift. Look, everyone finds their own way to navigate through rough patches, so I don't want to pretend I have all the answers for you.
What I personally did—and what I've done for my own struggles—was seek out therapy to talk things through. During particularly intense crises, I’ve relied on medication to help me get by.
I also believe that regardless of how difficult things feel, there has to be some push to engage in activities outside the house, something that actually fits your personality. Obviously, if you're feeling sensitive, you wouldn't head straight to a crowded Madison Square Garden game. Maybe start with smaller steps—just walks, a bit of light exercise, or hanging out with people who truly understand you.
Nothing changes overnight. But bit by bit, significant progress can be made.

Just take it day by day. Perhaps try setting tiny little goals for yourself every single morning.

Walter Myers4 said:It's all that garbage you had to listen to growing up that messes with you.
If people are constantly drilling it into your head that you're a failure and that nothing you do is good enough, eventually, you're gonna start believing them.
Honestly? Screw parents like that.

Yeah, that’s exactly it. No matter what you achieve, it’s never sufficient; they'll find some way to nitpick even your biggest wins. Sometimes I think it might actually be healthier to just move on and not have them in your life at all—if you can even call people like that "parents" to begin with...

Harold Anderson3 said:Yeah, that’s exactly it. No matter what you achieve, it’s never sufficient; they'll find some way to nitpick even your biggest wins. Sometimes I think it might actually be healthier to just move on and not have them in your life at all—if you can even call people like that "parents" to begin with...

You just have to accept that your parents are the problem, not you.

Harold Anderson3 said:Most people hang out by grabbing a beer, catching a game, or getting lost in video games... but none of that really appeals to me. If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you probably understand what I mean.😉
I’m also dealing with another issue that I didn't even realize was a recognized thing in psychology until recently. I can't quite put a clinical name to it, but it feels like this constant, intrusive thought that just takes over, making it impossible to focus on anything else or even think straight. It’s like half of your brain is being held hostage. It’s honestly pretty awful.
All of this—including the depression—just makes things difficult, whether I'm trying to hold a conversation or just focusing on my studies.

Look, it isn't constant. You're clearly able to post on the forum without issue.

What did the doctor suggest for treatment? Are you doing talk therapy? On any medication?

James Allen6 said:Maybe something akin to OCD?

I think I follow your drift. Look, everyone finds their own way to navigate through rough patches, so I don't want to pretend I have all the answers for you.
What I personally did—and what I've done for my own struggles—was seek out therapy to talk things through. During particularly intense crises, I’ve relied on medication to help me get by.
I also believe that regardless of how difficult things feel, there has to be some push to engage in activities outside the house, something that actually fits your personality. Obviously, if you're feeling sensitive, you wouldn't head straight to a crowded Madison Square Garden game. Maybe start with smaller steps—just walks, a bit of light exercise, or hanging out with people who truly understand you.
Nothing changes overnight. But bit by bit, significant progress can be made.

Just take it day by day. Perhaps try setting tiny little goals for yourself every single morning.

Are you looking for a private therapist or going through your insurance provider? I usually go through my insurance; I feel like my doctor really listens, though I do wish we could meet more frequently. For me, I just balance that with spending time on this forum...

Harold Anderson3 said:I think most of my struggle is actually captured right there in the title, but let me try to unpack things a bit more clearly for you all.
Ever since my parents split up—which was when I was just three—it’s mostly been just me and my dad, with weekends spent at my mom's place. He was always such an emotionally distant guy; honestly, I don't even recall us having actual conversations when I was growing up. Then, when I was six, he remarried, and I ended up spending almost all my time with his new wife, who was even colder and much stricter than he was. Growing up in that kind of environment really took its toll on me, especially since I was such a sensitive kid—probably way too soft for my own good, if I'm being honest.
Now, you might be wondering why I didn't grow up with my mother. Well, she has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, and because of that medical reality, the court decided it was best for me to live with my father. Because of that forced, rigid discipline, I actually did pretty well in school, but looking back, what does academic success even matter when you end up feeling like everything is falling apart?
When I turned 17, these mental health struggles started creeping in, eventually spiraling into depression. My doctor and I have talked it through, and we both feel like the root cause traces back to that total lack of affection during my childhood. So, how do I fix this? How do I make up for lost time? I'm only 19, and I feel like I'm already starting from behind.

You just learn how to live with it.😎

placidranger said:Look, it isn't constant. You're clearly able to post on the forum without issue.

What did the doctor suggest for treatment? Are you doing talk therapy? On any medication?

It’s pretty much a constant struggle for me, and honestly, it interferes with everything, including my ability to post here.
I’m currently on Zoloft and Zyprexa, along with Xanax whenever things get too intense, and I am seeing a therapist as well—I just really wish the whole process felt a bit more organized. My doctor tries her best, but she’s constantly juggling this with all her other responsibilities.

Harold Anderson3 said:Are you looking for a private therapist or going through your insurance provider? I usually go through my insurance; I feel like my doctor really listens, though I do wish we could meet more frequently. For me, I just balance that with spending time on this forum...

I see a counselor at the university clinic. At first, I was going several times a week, but now it is just once a week. Maybe you could ask her if more frequent visits are an option.

That seems like a good starting point. I imagine things will likely improve over time.
Perhaps you could try setting small goals for yourself to complete between therapy sessions. That way, you might feel like you are doing everything possible to help yourself.

As for your parents, I understand. It is difficult to distance yourself from older family members, but when you encounter negativity from them, I think it helps to remind yourself that it isn't a reflection of your own worth. It is really just a matter of their own character. Because it truly is.

James Allen6 said:I see a counselor at the university clinic. At first, I was going several times a week, but now it is just once a week. Maybe you could ask her if more frequent visits are an option.

That seems like a good starting point. I imagine things will likely improve over time.
Perhaps you could try setting small goals for yourself to complete between therapy sessions. That way, you might feel like you are doing everything possible to help yourself.

As for your parents, I understand. It is difficult to distance yourself from older family members, but when you encounter negativity from them, I think it helps to remind yourself that it isn't a reflection of your own worth. It is really just a matter of their own character. Because it truly is.

In my own experience, I managed to distance myself from my parents (not my mom, just my dad and stepmom) quite a while ago, and I have to say, it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. That said, the impact they had on me hasn't just vanished; there are lingering effects, almost like a form of PTSD. Even though I know deep down that their behavior wasn't my fault and that they are the ones at fault, those scars remain. But I suppose that's just how it goes—you have to try to move past what happened and just do the best you can with the hand you've been dealt.

That’s true. You maintain a positive outlook on the future, and I believe that mindset will eventually pay off for you. You just have to put in the work. Just like the rest of us, I suppose.
I grew up in a perfectly harmonious, loving family, yet somehow I found myself facing a crisis again.
Besides, you're only 19. You are still quite young, and you have your entire life ahead of you to seek out pleasure and find what truly fulfills you. My mother always tells me that now, being over 50, she is a much more composed and content person than she ever was in her twenties.

Harold Anderson3 said:I think most of my struggle is actually captured right there in the title, but let me try to unpack things a bit more clearly for you all.
Ever since my parents split up—which was when I was just three—it’s mostly been just me and my dad, with weekends spent at my mom's place. He was always such an emotionally distant guy; honestly, I don't even recall us having actual conversations when I was growing up. Then, when I was six, he remarried, and I ended up spending almost all my time with his new wife, who was even colder and much stricter than he was. Growing up in that kind of environment really took its toll on me, especially since I was such a sensitive kid—probably way too soft for my own good, if I'm being honest.
Now, you might be wondering why I didn't grow up with my mother. Well, she has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, and because of that medical reality, the court decided it was best for me to live with my father. Because of that forced, rigid discipline, I actually did pretty well in school, but looking back, what does academic success even matter when you end up feeling like everything is falling apart?
When I turned 17, these mental health struggles started creeping in, eventually spiraling into depression. My doctor and I have talked it through, and we both feel like the root cause traces back to that total lack of affection during my childhood. So, how do I fix this? How do I make up for lost time? I'm only 19, and I feel like I'm already starting from behind.

You're only 19?
Honestly, hats off to you; based on your earlier posts, you sound incredibly mature for your age.

Your childhood sounds like it was anything but easy, and I am truly sorry. Every child needs parental love, but keep in mind that there are other ways to find it. You're still young, and one day you'll meet a woman and share that kind of love with her, and when your own kids come along, that will be the most powerful thing of all.
Of course, you'll have the love of friends too, so it's definitely not all lost...

Naturally, there's a long road ahead of you before you reach that point, and I think you know what I mean—you have to work through the depression first. Since you're already taking medication and seeing a therapist, just keep throwing yourself into the work of self-improvement.
It makes sense that nothing feels interesting to you right now, but that feeling will pass, and you'll find the strength to push through it. When you say you're working on yourself, could you give me a few examples of what that looks like?