I can't stand myself

I know this topic technically fits under both lifestyle and relationship discussions, but I'm dropping it here because I genuinely need some help. Sorry in advance for the massive wall of text—I just feel like I have to lay everything out if you guys are actually going to understand where I'm coming from. Since none of you know me, I’m not really looking for much judgment, though.

My life hasn't exactly been some American Dream fairy tale. My parents divorced, and honestly, it seems like everyone in my extended family has gone through it too—grandparents, aunts, uncles, the whole lot. Growing up, things were rough. For even the smallest thing—like breaking a glass, leaving a crumb on the floor, or just forgetting to tidy up—my dad would slap me. It happened constantly, and it just wore me down more and more every single day. Eventually, I just stopped trusting people. My parents split up about nine years ago, though the fighting had been escalating long before that. I spent a lot of time spiraling, terrified of people, totally withdrawn, and just preferring to be alone.

And then, there was HIM. My knight in shining armor. Back then, I was absolutely certain he was "the one"—the kind of guy you could never dream of cheating on or even looking at someone else for. He showed up at exactly the right moment, and I decided I was never letting him go. He treated me like royalty; he taught me how to open up, how to actually be social, and he took me everywhere. He loved me, cared for me... he was basically the perfect guy. Before him, I was just this lonely, sad, awkward kid, but being with him helped me grow into a girl with actual self-confidence—nothing crazy, just normal confidence—who actually likes herself and other people. But after more than three years together, his constant attention started to... well, it got boring. 😢
I wanted to see what it would be like with someone else. I wanted to know what it felt like to touch someone else, and how it felt to be touched by someone else... and yeah, it happened. I cheated on him.

He found out, and he actually forgave me... only for me to turn around and do it again. On the flip side, I can't imagine life without him 😢. I don't even know what I'd do if I lost him because he provides this sense of security I've never had. It’s like he came into my life too early. I wasn't experienced before him; I hadn't really tried being with anyone else, so I guess I just don't appreciate his devotion the way I would if he were some jerk who belittled me. And yeah, I realize now that's the exact problem I used to hate in other girls—the ones who don't appreciate having such an amazing boyfriend. Now, I'm exactly like them.

I feel so disgusted with myself that I can't even sleep. I haven't eaten in days. I just cry and curse myself for becoming such a horrible person. I have no idea what to do. Should I let him go because he deserves so much better? Or... 😢

Wait a second—how can you claim you didn't have an "idiot who belittled and demeaned you"? Didn't you mention previously that your father used to slap you over unorganized things? If that doesn't fall under the category of being belittled and devalued, then perhaps it is high time we reconsidered the criteria for qualifying for this group.

And honestly, just let him go. We all deserve better than that.

In truth, I suspect that simply letting him go won't be enough. That jerk has already forgiven you once before. You really need to drive him away. It’s for his own good, and yours too. That way, he'll finally get rid of someone who lacks respect for him and isn't being sincere, and you'll be able to sleep easy when you're out enjoying yourself.

If I’m reading her correctly, she felt like none of her previous boyfriends ever truly appreciated her the way this one did...
And yeah, I get the whole "being too nice" thing. I know plenty of people—both guys and girls in my own circle—who struggle with that. Honestly, guys aren't exactly saints either.
It seems like there's this unspoken rule where you can't be *too* good to anyone, because if you are, they eventually get bored and start looking for something else.
🤷 Or, you just end up being taken advantage of because you're being kind and perhaps a little too naive.
But then again, we don't actually know how old you two are, or what the dynamic of those three years was really like... so I guess I won't go out on a limb to judge the author or defend her.

Yeah, go ahead and let him go. Based on what you're saying, he definitely deserves much better than this.

It was fun while it lasted, I guess.☕
Clearly you’ve reached that stage where you want to see what else is out there—which is fine—but just try to be fair to the guy who actually stuck by you when things were hitting the fan.
Just end it cleanly and move on; once you do the right thing, that self-loathing stuff might finally chill out.

Didn't mention how old you are, though?

Dear @ironraven13... 🙂

... you aren't "disgusting," so please stop selling yourself short.
What you're feeling is actually just a collision between biological drive and the societal urge to settle down with one partner to ensure stable offspring—which, if you ask me, is the whole point of falling in love. Both impulses serve a specific evolutionary purpose.

Then, we layer on these ethical frameworks shaped by upbringing—rules built on social conditioning rather than actual self-awareness or understanding how humans truly interact. This is why people end up trapped in these internal tug-of-wars, paradoxes, and friction with those around them, trying (more or less successfully) to navigate it all. People meet, they break up, they have kids, they lose kids, they celebrate, they suffer, they lash out, they spiral... it’s the human condition. So, regarding these urges...

Of course your partner is going to feel wounded by your "infidelity"—just as you would be by his. Every instinct pushes an individual to pass on their own genes, and the idea of a partner being with someone else facilitates the transfer of outside DNA. That’s essentially the raw biological explanation for the emotions involved, otherwise known as jealousy.

Your guy managed to rise above it, which is a great sign for him. And for you, having these dilemmas is actually a positive thing; even better, you have a partner you're deeply bonded to, just as she is to you. Some people spend their entire lives as emotional invalids, pretending to adhere to some ideal of monogamy while lacking any real honesty toward themselves or anyone else.

... so, just keep this old saying in mind: to err is human, to forgive divine. .

... anyway, what are your plans for tonight? 😉?... 😬

What am I even doing? Just banging my head against a wall here😢

I really don't want to lose him, but I know—deep down—that I messed up big time..

Man, I don't even know what to tell you. I did the exact same thing back when I was young and reckless. And he actually forgave me. Only thing is—I ended up leaving him to go chase some adventures of my own.🙄 Now, six years later? God, I’d give anything to have that sweet, wonderful, boring guy back.😢

I don't want to lose him, even though I know I really messed this one up...

... ah... certainly not the first time, nor will it be the last...

What should I do? Currently just banging my head against the wall.

... hey, don't do that, you'll wake up the neighbors... 😍

ironraven13 said:What am I even doing? Just banging my head against a wall here😢

I really don't want to lose him, but I know—deep down—that I messed up big time..

Well, nothing much to say, just keep on drifting along, I guess.

It seems like that old theory is right—that women end up looking for partners who act just like their fathers. It's kind of like you; maybe your dad was tough on you, so you found a guy who treated you well, only to cheat on him twice because you just wanted someone else's touch. Whatever. Honestly, I hope you find someone soon who’ll give you a wake-up call you won't forget.
Here’s a little itinerary of where your "soulmate" might be waiting for you: Prince, Baltimore, Jack Daniel's, fountain, asylum....

Sean Green66 said:Well, nothing much to say, just keep on drifting along, I guess.

It seems like that old theory is right—that women end up looking for partners who act just like their fathers. It's kind of like you; maybe your dad was tough on you, so you found a guy who treated you well, only to cheat on him twice because you just wanted someone else's touch. Whatever. Honestly, I hope you find someone soon who’ll give you a wake-up call you won't forget.
Here’s a little itinerary of where your "soulmate" might be waiting for you: Prince, Baltimore, Jack Daniel's, fountain, asylum....

Clearly not. Because my dad is the literal definition of the guy from my last post.😁

Edward Murphy4 said:Man, I don't even know what to tell you. I did the exact same thing back when I was young and reckless. And he actually forgave me. Only thing is—I ended up leaving him to go chase some adventures of my own.🙄 Now, six years later? God, I’d give anything to have that sweet, wonderful, boring guy back.😢

That's exactly what I'm terrified of 😢

casualharbor9 said:Dear @ironraven13... 🙂

... you aren't "disgusting," so please stop selling yourself short.
What you're feeling is actually just a collision between biological drive and the societal urge to settle down with one partner to ensure stable offspring—which, if you ask me, is the whole point of falling in love. Both impulses serve a specific evolutionary purpose.

Then, we layer on these ethical frameworks shaped by upbringing—rules built on social conditioning rather than actual self-awareness or understanding how humans truly interact. This is why people end up trapped in these internal tug-of-wars, paradoxes, and friction with those around them, trying (more or less successfully) to navigate it all. People meet, they break up, they have kids, they lose kids, they celebrate, they suffer, they lash out, they spiral... it’s the human condition. So, regarding these urges...

Of course your partner is going to feel wounded by your "infidelity"—just as you would be by his. Every instinct pushes an individual to pass on their own genes, and the idea of a partner being with someone else facilitates the transfer of outside DNA. That’s essentially the raw biological explanation for the emotions involved, otherwise known as jealousy.

Your guy managed to rise above it, which is a great sign for him. And for you, having these dilemmas is actually a positive thing; even better, you have a partner you're deeply bonded to, just as she is to you. Some people spend their entire lives as emotional invalids, pretending to adhere to some ideal of monogamy while lacking any real honesty toward themselves or anyone else.

... so, just keep this old saying in mind: to err is human, to forgive divine. .

... anyway, what are your plans for tonight? 😉?... 😬

She doesn't even realize she messed up.

Just some immature kid obsessing over staying safe in one spot while preaching about "expanding horizons" 🙄
but she won't actually let go of either.

I think I messed up—honestly, if you’d just taken a closer look, you would've seen it.
And I feel pretty terrible about it, which is exactly why I titled this "I Can't Stand Myself"... 😢

Sandra Parker3 said:She doesn't even realize she messed up.

Just some immature kid obsessing over staying safe in one spot while preaching about "expanding horizons" 🙄
but she won't actually let go of either.

... those are just poetic, literary interpretations—technically valid from one specific angle, I suppose. I was attempting to offer a practical, psychological breakdown of what’s happening with us, stepping outside the usual moral and societal constraints. My goal was to find something that resonates with all of us, rather than fueling more self-destructive conflicts. I honestly believe I'm right here; it's simply the path of least resistance in life. There isn't really a "right" or "wrong" in this context...

@ironraven13... come on now... take another look at what I wrote earlier before you jump to conclusions...

... yeah, if only I had always been this brilliant when it came to my own affairs...

This is just classic immaturity and selfishness, honestly 🙂. But hey, people are messy.
My advice? Just cut ties. You're clearly hurting him by staying, so don't be selfish.
You’ve gotta live your life. If you don't, you'll just end up stuck in this exact same loop forever.
And don't even feel guilty about it—you can't control everything, and growing up takes time.

Who knows, maybe if you run into him in five or six years, you'll fall for each other all over again 🙂.

Look, if someone’s being selfish here, it’s him. Period.

He’s acting way too protective over me—it's getting ridiculous. I tell him I want to go out, and he basically finds every excuse to make sure I stay put.
First, he fills my head with all this paranoia about maniacs out there—telling me I’ll get mugged, drugged, or worse... just straight up attacked or killed.
And then, he acts all satisfied when I just end up staying home. And he honestly thinks that isn't selfish?

It leads to this other thing where I’ll say, "Fine, then YOU come with me." But nope, he’s not down for that—says he’s not "that kind of guy," or we have nowhere to go,
or at best, he suggests we hang out with his group of friends. And what actually happens? We end up sitting in front of his TV like I’m some 70-year-old grandma
with absolutely nothing better to do with my life.

Maybe I haven't fully "grown up" yet, but I’ve been through enough crap in my life to know what's what. He uses his selfishness as an excuse to "protect" me,
which really just means he keeps me trapped. It's gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out of the house and telling him I'm still inside just to get a moment of freedom.

ironraven13 said:Look, if someone’s being selfish here, it’s him. Period.

He’s acting way too protective over me—it's getting ridiculous. I tell him I want to go out, and he basically finds every excuse to make sure I stay put.
First, he fills my head with all this paranoia about maniacs out there—telling me I’ll get mugged, drugged, or worse... just straight up attacked or killed.
And then, he acts all satisfied when I just end up staying home. And he honestly thinks that isn't selfish?

It leads to this other thing where I’ll say, "Fine, then YOU come with me." But nope, he’s not down for that—says he’s not "that kind of guy," or we have nowhere to go,
or at best, he suggests we hang out with his group of friends. And what actually happens? We end up sitting in front of his TV like I’m some 70-year-old grandma
with absolutely nothing better to do with my life.

Maybe I haven't fully "grown up" yet, but I’ve been through enough crap in my life to know what's what. He uses his selfishness as an excuse to "protect" me,
which really just means he keeps me trapped. It's gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out of the house and telling him I'm still inside just to get a moment of freedom.

That’s just manipulation—it isn't love.

So, I figured I’d just ask him to go out with me instead—you know, give it a shot. But he’s just not feeling it; he’s really not the type for that sort of thing, and honestly, we don't have anywhere to go anyway.

Honestly, I just can't bring myself to get anything done today—and if I'm feeling this unmotivated, you probably aren't going to feel too great either.
Either we go with his crowd—at best—or we're stuck watching his TV, which honestly feels like being 70 years old all over again.
Well, we don't exactly have anything more productive to do.

Maybe I’m not fully mature yet—I'll be the first to admit that—but I know I've been through the ringer more times than I care to count. And then there's him... his selfishness actually manifests as this intense need to protect me.
My husband keeps trying to push me out the door to go out, even though I keep telling him I'm perfectly happy staying right here at home.[/I]

You've clearly outgrown this relationship and need your space—plus, he really needs to realize that manipulation isn't love. So, I'd say we're even.

ironraven13 said:Look, if someone’s being selfish here, it’s him. Period.

He’s acting way too protective over me—it's getting ridiculous. I tell him I want to go out, and he basically finds every excuse to make sure I stay put.
First, he fills my head with all this paranoia about maniacs out there—telling me I’ll get mugged, drugged, or worse... just straight up attacked or killed.
And then, he acts all satisfied when I just end up staying home. And he honestly thinks that isn't selfish?

It leads to this other thing where I’ll say, "Fine, then YOU come with me." But nope, he’s not down for that—says he’s not "that kind of guy," or we have nowhere to go,
or at best, he suggests we hang out with his group of friends. And what actually happens? We end up sitting in front of his TV like I’m some 70-year-old grandma
with absolutely nothing better to do with my life.

Maybe I haven't fully "grown up" yet, but I’ve been through enough crap in my life to know what's what. He uses his selfishness as an excuse to "protect" me,
which really just means he keeps me trapped. It's gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out of the house and telling him I'm still inside just to get a moment of freedom.

Is this the first time you've mentioned this? Or did I miss something?
I was just responding to your original post.
If he actually said all that, then yeah, I'd say you guys are even now. 🙂

Yeah, sure... he gets to go out and hang with his buddies whenever he wants, but not me. Because I’m a girl. And because everyone’s staring at me.
And yeah, I'll probably just get raped.