I need some help!

Hey everyone, I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm just feeling absolutely terrible. I actually just got back from the ER, but they didn't really do much to help. Ever since the earthquake, I feel like I've completely lost my mind... I just can't see the point in anything anymore 😢. I've mostly just been sipping on some tea, though I started taking Melatonin recently, which helps a little bit, I guess. I've been dealing with this stuff since 2009, and I'm 37 now
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Hey Benjamin Alvarez18, I realize it might feel a bit intrusive or even unhelpful for a bunch of strangers like us to be throwing out suggestions, since there are just so many moving parts involved here. You’ve got the diagnosis to consider, your medical history, how you've responded to treatments in the past... it's complicated. I actually have people in my own family—both immediate and more distant—who have dealt with depression and anxiety. From what I've seen, it usually takes quite a while, constantly tweaking medications and dosages, before they finally find that sweet spot that works. In my experience, having a solid support system of family and friends makes a world of difference. Just being social, finding small bits of purpose in the little things every day... changing up your routine, leaning into faith, or even just getting outside to start exercising—whether that's running, cycling, rollerblading, or hitting the hiking trails. Whatever you do, just please don't isolate yourself within four walls. To me, the whole point of life is really about how much you manage to touch the lives of those around you, how much of yourself you can give to others... once I finally stopped draining my energy on people who were nothing but negative and toxic, I felt a massive shift almost immediately.

I honestly don't know if any of this will resonate with you, but I truly wish you nothing but the best...

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I guess I don't really know who I am

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I guess I don't really know who I am

If you don't set some kind of goal—regardless of whether you actually hit it or can even maintain that drive, which might just come down to luck anyway—is it possible nobody really knows anything? Maybe that's the only thing that "comforts" you. If your sense of purpose is shaky, maybe you notice the uncertainty a bit more clearly? Just stay busy with something, anything... it’s always been the cure for not knowing...

You have to actually *do* something, anything... create a distraction (lose focus) to hide how much you truly don't know. Idle hands are the devil's playground. Occupy an idle mind with something familiar, or better yet, something totally unknown if you can. Because when that idle mind starts searching too hard, too focused, you end up just calculating the reality of... nothingness...

I don't really want to get all caught up in the distractions, I just kind of want to figure out who I actually am at my core...

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I don't really want to get all caught up in the distractions, I just kind of want to figure out who I actually am at my core...

That's a whole different ballgame then. Not exactly a pleasant one, either. A long, drawn-out investigation without any clear or consistent results... maybe. Who is Benjamin Alvarez18 once they finally realize who they are? Or what flipped the switch from knowing to not knowing? An earthquake? A sudden brush with mortality, realizing you have zero control over anything, or just pure uncertainty about everything...

Back when I was fifteen, I pretty much had it all figured out—I was on top of my game... but I guess I lost that spark somewhere along the way, especially after I ended up enrolling in a college major I never actually wanted to do in the first place.

Everything okay?

Does anyone remember who won the championship in Burkina Faso back in '87?

Look, we just have to keep moving forward. There’s really no point in sitting around whining about how much better things used to be, right?

Benjamin Alvarez18 isn't her degree, isn't some dream job or a soul-crushing grind she's stuck in, and it sure as hell isn't her bank balance. It’s not some inherited fixer-upper on the outskirts of Chicago or a massive mortgage on a city condo that got trashed in a disaster... It's all of that, obviously. Just like everything else "trivial" people obsess over daily to hide the real question: who is Benjamin Alvarez18 actually, if not just this carefully maintained, supposedly "successful" construct of a self? A self that occasionally, totally out of nowhere, just dissolves into fine stardust. And now, after a catastrophe unlike anything seen before, the whole house needs rebuilding from the ground up. Using stardust as cement. Reinforced concrete...

So, you mean I have to start from scratch? Thanks, ironrider11...

Look, maybe other people are pulling it off, but if you're out here building a house of cards and it just keeps collapsing in your face... maybe it’s time to switch things up. Try building with dominoes. Or Legos. Or mud. Or sand. Honestly, doesn't matter what the material is. Just use whatever makes you feel like you're actually getting somewhere. It's about finding yourself in the process of building, not the finished product. You find yourself by constantly working on that structure, that temple, that little sanctuary of yours... xyz. Somewhere out there... in a space that actually feels right, where a house—never truly finished, but always evolving—could actually feel like home.

Eventually, sooner or later, some big bad wolf is gonna come out of nowhere and tear the whole thing down for good. It makes you wonder why we even bother rejecting the idea of a nomadic life just to chase this concept of "security." That need for stability usually only exists for a little while, assuming you're lucky enough to turn it into a physical reality—that dream of being settled in a permanent, safe house. But nothing stays put. Except for change itself. All those ideas of a "cemented," unbreakable version of yourself... the ones that seem pretty set in stone at xyz... they aren't as permanent as you think. Whatever.

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Hey everyone, I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm just feeling absolutely terrible. I actually just got back from the ER, but they didn't really do much to help. Ever since the earthquake, I feel like I've completely lost my mind... I just can't see the point in anything anymore 😢. I've mostly just been sipping on some tea, though I started taking Melatonin recently, which helps a little bit, I guess. I've been dealing with this stuff since 2009, and I'm 37 now
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Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I guess I don't really know who I am

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I don't really want to get all caught up in the distractions, I just kind of want to figure out who I actually am at my core...

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Back when I was fifteen, I pretty much had it all figured out—I was on top of my game... but I guess I lost that spark somewhere along the way, especially after I ended up enrolling in a college major I never actually wanted to do in the first place.

If you think you’re going to get any meaningful help by tossing out these tiny, half-baked, "intuitive" little answers, then you’re seriously mistaken. You really think people can help you if they don't actually know what's causing the friction? If you truly want support from others, you have to be transparent about where this stress is actually coming from! I'm obviously not talking about venting on an internet forum—that's one thing—but if you want real clarity, shouldn't you be opening up completely to someone close to you? Or better yet, why not talk to a professional? Someone like a licensed psychologist is much more likely to actually understand the complexities of what you're going through than anyone else.

Melissa Cooper3 said:If you think you’re going to get any meaningful help by tossing out these tiny, half-baked, "intuitive" little answers, then you’re seriously mistaken. You really think people can help you if they don't actually know what's causing the friction? If you truly want support from others, you have to be transparent about where this stress is actually coming from! I'm obviously not talking about venting on an internet forum—that's one thing—but if you want real clarity, shouldn't you be opening up completely to someone close to you? Or better yet, why not talk to a professional? Someone like a licensed psychologist is much more likely to actually understand the complexities of what you're going through than anyone else.

I’d also like to add to what the previous AI mentioned—it’s quite concerning that you’re using that primitive antipsychotic (the old Moditen variety)—I had my own struggles with Moditen myself, and frankly, it didn't do much for me until I switched over to a newer generation antipsychotic (the depot Xelaph), if I recall correctly—to be honest, the side effects from Moditen were actually worse than the underlying illness itself! Personally, this newer medication has significantly mitigated those side effects while keeping the antipsychotic action active—though, granted, it does trigger some metabolic issues for me, the overall picture looks far better. I strongly recommend seeking a diagnostic re-evaluation as a first step—that way, a specialist can determine which specific medication would suit you best, since there are many other modern compounds with similar efficacy but much lower side-effect profiles. The absolute worst part is how difficult it is to distinguish between primary symptoms and secondary side effects in a clinical setting—so, in any case, I suggest seeing a quality psychologist or even a psychiatrist first—this is simply my own experience, so please take it with a grain of salt because, ultimately, the most important factor in your decision is what works for *your* unique experience! GOOD LUCK!

Slow down, take a breath. Everything is fine. 🙂

How exactly did the earthquake trigger all this? What kind of subconscious nonsense were you going through? Everyone knows how it goes—crises come and crises go.

Man, where do I even start with this... I'm not trying to hide anything, it’s just kind of wild how I don't really know who I actually am.
Growing up, we moved around all the time, and honestly, it was pretty rough on me—just constant readjusting to new places. My escape was always books... I studied like crazy and was basically a straight-A student, totally flawless on paper. Though, looking back, I don't think that's what I actually wanted deep down. I think I just wanted to feel loved, you know? I went to prep school and kept pulling perfect grades, but there was this one girl there, really popular and pretty. It’s like I subconsciously started mimicking her... her movements, her gestures... I didn't realize until much later how pathological that actually was. I knew it felt wrong at the time. And chasing those perfect grades? I realized later that I was just losing myself in the process. After high school, I went into Biology. I couldn't quite figure out what I actually wanted to do during those four years of college, but I knew I could handle Bio. So I did—finished everything by 23, right on schedule. But really, all I wanted was a connection... to get married, have kids. I haven't made that dream happen yet.
Maybe I don't even want it anymore. But I still feel like I'm living someone else's life. That earthquake really shook me up, though, in a weird way. It just made me think of that girl again... me and her. I'm not her. It's complicated. Like, whose life am I actually living? It's all just... incredibly heavy to deal with.

There’s nothing original about me. I’m just a mashup of every single person I’ve ever met.

Is anyone actually unique? Or are we all just a copy-paste collage of everyone else—like picking up someone's specific duck face or fish gape in a selfie, then slowly absorbing it until it feels like yours? Maybe the actual percentage of who we are as true innovators versus people just tweaking someone else's idea is incredibly low. Most of what we call "knowledge" is just copying an inventor and trying to apply it to our own lives...

Getting married, having kids? If you finally check those boxes to fulfill some "dream," maybe you'll realize that doesn't make you any more authentic. Does having a "real life" make your existence feel less manufactured? Think about how many parents are just desperately trying to mimic the lifestyles they see around them. 😬 Is a massive earthquake acting as a "memento mori" or a "carpe diem" moment? Just a reminder that the clock is ticking faster than ever? A midlife crisis? When did that even hit you? And if it did, what do you tell that "impostor syndrome" voice in your head?

If you don't know what you want... you end up with a lot you don't.

I honestly can't even deal with myself right now; I’m just feeling so incredibly frustrated with everything. It feels like these meds are totally messing with my head and making it impossible to think straight
I'd give anything to just flip the script on my life, but I guess I just don't have the energy to make it happen

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:I honestly can't even deal with myself right now; I’m just feeling so incredibly frustrated with everything. It feels like these meds are totally messing with my head and making it impossible to think straight
I'd give anything to just flip the script on my life, but I guess I just don't have the energy to make it happen

Have you had a chance to talk things over with your psychiatrist? I mean, maybe it's time to look into adjusting the prescription?

So, my therapist is out of commission for the next two months because she caught COVID, which is just great. I mean, she isn't even my favorite or anything... we mostly just end up chatting about random nonsense anyway, and I don't really vibe with her that much to begin with.

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:So, my therapist is out of commission for the next two months because she caught COVID, which is just great. I mean, she isn't even my favorite or anything... we mostly just end up chatting about random nonsense anyway, and I don't really vibe with her that much to begin with.

A second opinion? Have you looked into where else you might go? Maybe somewhere private?

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