Issues with my brother

Hey everyone.
I’m posting this in the psychology section because, honestly, this feels more like a mental health crisis than anything else.
I know this is going to be a long one—just please, bear with me and read the whole thing. I’m desperate for some advice because right now, I feel like there’s no way out.

I’m not even 18 yet. Last year, my family went through absolute hell—my mom passed away from liver cancer. It left us a mess. There’s my sister (19), my little brother (8), and my dad—who is a nightmare in his own right. My life used to be pretty normal. Sure, I had those typical teenage arguments with my parents, acting rebellious and all—my sister was the same way. I thought we’d grow out of it, but we didn't. I'm still a rebel, constantly pushing back, and the fights with my dad are getting violent and intense. He’s actually hit me before. Physical abuse. And he loses it over the smallest things—like if I go out with friends once or twice a week. He calls me names I won't even repeat—slurs that make my blood boil—even though I’ve never even dated a guy or done anything "wild" like some of my friends. He hates that I have a guy as my best friend, and he screams at me if the house isn't spotless. I told him straight up: I am not going to be a housewife just like my mother was. Mom was different. She could handle him. Even working crazy hours—sometimes starting at 7 AM and not getting home until 10 PM—she still kept the entire house running and raised us while he did nothing but work and then come home to crash in front of the TV for hours.
Everything changed after Mom died. Our home isn't a safe place anymore—not for growing up, not for anything. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything I do is wrong in my father's eyes. He expects me to be a maid, plain and simple. And look, I *do* clean—I do the dishes, the vacuuming, the laundry. I'll admit, I can be messy sometimes, but come on, I'm a teenager! He demands perfection, chasing this impossible standard that Mom tried to maintain until it literally killed her. I remember her crying constantly from the sheer stress and pressure he put on her. Now, he won't let me go out, he doesn't trust me—I've caught him snooping through my texts—and since I'm not the type to just sit there and take it, I snap back. I insult him, he hits me. It's a cycle.
The whole house feels like it's falling apart.
My sister is heading off to college soon, which means it'll just be me, my dad, and my little brother. It's all going to fall on my shoulders. Before, my sister stepped up and acted like a second mother to keep things steady.

Then there’s the other issue, which is actually much worse: my brother. He’s 8, but mentally, he acts like he’s 3 or 4. When he was a toddler, we all coddled him too much, and he developed a speech impediment. I can't even describe the guilt I feel about that—we had no idea it would turn into such a massive struggle for him. He has this thick accent, struggles with basic grammar, and when he tries to say something complex, he gets so tangled up in his words that he just shuts down out of pure embarrassment. He *can* speak well, but half the time, we can barely understand him. Ironically, his English is incredible. He picks up new words and phrases that I've never even heard before. He learned it all from the internet and TV, spending 6 or 7 hours a day glued to a screen.
I'm terrified the internet is rotting his brain. He always has this vacant, glazed-over look, like he’s permanently lost in some Minecraft or YouTube trance. Everyone tells me I need to spend more time with him, but honestly? I don't have the energy.
It sounds terrible to say, but I’d genuinely rather pick up a book or watch a movie than sit with him for two hours begging him to practice math or reading. He has zero initiative. As soon as I sit at my computer or step out the door, he grabs the remote or the tablet and disappears again.
Sometimes I'll grab a picture book and try to convince him to read with me, but he just complains about how boring it is.
I watch his friends—they talk clearly, they engage, they think. But my brother? You ask him a question and he doesn't even listen. I've even caught people laughing at him.
He’s not crazy. There are times when he hits on these brilliant insights, but lately, he’s just been acting like a zombie. Honestly—between my constant criticism, my sister’s input, and even our dad’s—I feel like he’s losing his confidence. He’s starting to be ashamed of himself, and it sucks.
My sister is the only one who actually gives him her undivided attention, but she’s heading off to college soon, and I’m terrified. I’m nowhere near on her level. Look, I’ve tried, but I can't just sacrifice my entire life to revolve around my brother. I want my own life, my own freedom. And every time I try to actually engage with him—like I mentioned before—he just starts complaining or being incredibly boring. It drives me nuts. I’ll ask him a simple question and he just stares blankly into space, probably daydreaming about playing video games.
I know the "correct" move would be to ban the internet or cut down the TV time, but then what? He’ll just lie there staring at the ceiling doing absolutely nothing. If he’s at least picking up a language online instead of rotting in front of a screen, I’ll take that over total stagnation any day...

Sorry for the vent. There’s way more to this story, but I don't want to bore you all with every single detail. Is there any way out of this mess?
How do I fix things with my dad? How do I get my brother back to being a normal kid? And most importantly—how do I stay *me*? I want to have fun and live my life. I really, truly don't have the willpower to step into my mother's shoes once my sister leaves for school...

Is your brother actually attending school right now? And more importantly—what’s the feedback from his teachers? Honestly, he’s almost certainly going to need a speech therapist—and frankly, I’d suggest looking into a child psychologist as well, given that losing his mother is such a devastating trauma, especially for a kid that young. The behavioral issues you mentioned aren't nearly as extreme or unusual as they might seem, and I truly believe that with the right professional support, things will stabilize. My own little brother went through those exact same struggles when he was small, yet look at him now—he's in college and has grown into an incredibly bright, capable individual. 🙂

As for everything else... do you have any grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even just some extended family members you can actually rely on? Is there anyone in your circle who could step up and help you out? Because let's be real: everything you've described here is an absolutely massive burden for such a young woman to carry all by herself.

Yeah, my brother is in school. He's a second grader 🙂. Mom really pushed him—she worked with him constantly while she was still around—but ever since she passed, his grades and his effort have just tanked. His teacher says he needs to practice reading, but I honestly have no clue how to make him actually sit down and do it.
He brings up how much he misses her all the time, but weirdly, he never showed any signs of depression or trauma after she died. Honestly, he took it surprisingly well. He’ll ask me about her—if she’s in heaven or where her grave is—but there aren't these big emotional outbursts or anything. Some people say maybe he doesn't get what death even means, but I think he understands it perfectly fine; he just processes things in a way that's hard to wrap my head around...
I’ve got plenty of relatives, but nobody wants to step up and get involved in this mess.
Truth is, I've got enough of my own baggage to deal with, but right now, my brother is my main concern. I’m terrified he’s going to end up falling behind for good because he gets sidelined so often by everyone else's responsibilities—mine and my dad's included...

Michael Young8 said:Yeah, my brother is in school. He's a second grader 🙂. Mom really pushed him—she worked with him constantly while she was still around—but ever since she passed, his grades and his effort have just tanked. His teacher says he needs to practice reading, but I honestly have no clue how to make him actually sit down and do it.
He brings up how much he misses her all the time, but weirdly, he never showed any signs of depression or trauma after she died. Honestly, he took it surprisingly well. He’ll ask me about her—if she’s in heaven or where her grave is—but there aren't these big emotional outbursts or anything. Some people say maybe he doesn't get what death even means, but I think he understands it perfectly fine; he just processes things in a way that's hard to wrap my head around...
I’ve got plenty of relatives, but nobody wants to step up and get involved in this mess.
Truth is, I've got enough of my own baggage to deal with, but right now, my brother is my main concern. I’m terrified he’s going to end up falling behind for good because he gets sidelined so often by everyone else's responsibilities—mine and my dad's included...

You have certainly presented a profound dilemma for contemplation. Regrettably, you seem unable to both raise and guide your brother effectively, as you yourself have been deprived of a significant portion of your own development, regardless of your age.
Will you succeed? Of course, you will, but the question remains: how successful will it actually be?
The simplest solution would be to somehow distance the little guy from the internet or computers altogether.
Shut it all down. Cut the internet. Toss the computer out.
It sounds harsh, I know, but please, consider the long-term consequences for his upbringing versus the immediate impact of what he is doing now.
In that scenario, there is a very real possibility he might start reading more or engage in activities—even gaming—that are actually appropriate for his age.
As things stand, he has neither the choice nor the desire.
He must learn to express himself normally and master everything taught in a typical American second grade. Without that, he will be lost in time and space, and his future will be closed off before it even begins.
You have a sister; the two of you must fight for him.
As for your father, you can find short but highly effective assertiveness courses online—lessons on how to behave and communicate properly without being passive or aggressive. Read them. Learn them. Practice them. It isn't difficult or complicated at all.
By doing this, you will gain the upper hand over your father and always stay one step ahead of him. That realization alone builds confidence.
Essentially, you won't allow the household mood to happen by chance; instead, you will control the circumstances. For your own good.

You aren't the only one without a safety net. I'm pretty sure there are millions of people just like you across the country

And even if you did have everything you're missing right now, we could always find some way to fill those gaps

If you want my advice, just learn how to play the game. Play dumb, do exactly what they tell you to do, and then go lock yourself in your room. Start planning your escape for when you turn 18—even if that feels like a total suicide mission right now. Just keep this house in your back pocket as a backup plan. What happens if your new life doesn't pan out?

Your "life story" sounds much harsher than it actually is.
When I looked back at my own past, it felt terrible, but looking at it now, things don't seem quite as catastrophic.
I won't go into specifics, but I just want to say that sometimes we perceive our situations as being far worse than they truly are. You aren't a bad person just because you can't—or shouldn't have to—act as a surrogate parent to your brother, or because you had typical young adult preoccupations like dating and going out.
And what about aunts or grandmothers? I know they might not be able to live under the same roof, but they could certainly offer some support.

Hey!

Listen to me, and listen good. Go ahead and make your moves at home, but for heaven's sake, don't let your old man break your spirit—stick to your guns. It is absolutely unhingal and toxic for a father to be calling his own kid names like that, hitting them, and then turning around to defend some guy friend instead? That’s just messed up. But look, you gotta play this smart, not just hard. My best bet? Dive deep into psychology. Seriously. If you learn how people tick and how to navigate certain social dynamics, you'll find you can get what you want way more calmly and efficiently. Plus, it might actually help you wrap your head around your brother, and honestly, knowing how the human mind works will serve you well for the rest of your life.

As for cutting your brother off from the computer entirely—I don't think that's going to work. It might seem like a fix, but it could just spiral him deeper into a depression. Try carving out even just thirty minutes a day specifically for him. It’s not like you're losing an hour of your life, and it could genuinely make a difference for him.

Also, if I were you, I'd dig through the browser history on that computer to see what he's actually looking at. See what sites he's hanging out on. Then, try to pivot those interests into the real world. Like, if he's obsessed with learning English, find a way to get him engaged with it through something active that doesn't involve staring at a screen. You could even flip the script and ask *him* to teach *you* something if he's getting good at it. He probably just needs to feel like he matters—like someone actually values what he knows. The more you focus on sparking his interest, motivating him, and giving him a win, and the less you lean on punishment and constant criticism, the better. He needs positive reinforcement to build up some actual self-esteem so he can move forward.

Oh, and yeah... definitely check out my thread advice for a good life. I basically distilled the best bits from over a hundred books I've read, mixing in my own experiences and stuff I've learned from others. Hopefully, it gives you a little something to work with 🙂

Maybe you're just at home right now, but honestly, nobody’s given you the full picture of what’s coming next.

All you really need is an ID, a phone, a bank account, and a resume. And in your specific situation? You need to hunt for a job. Find work, live with your boyfriend or grab a roommate, and start supporting yourself. Over time, you'll build up some savings in that account. Don't waste a cent on trinkets or gifts—that's just throwing money down the drain. Keep your wants and hobbies to a minimum.

If you have to, work two jobs. Boyfriends, nights out, friends, even family... they're all just distractions right now.

The goal is to one day have your own little studio apartment. That's the target.

That’s why I’m telling you to focus on what you can do while you're still at home. Treat this period like you're prepping for that 500-square-foot place of your own. Put all your energy into it. Trust me, the results will show. Help out your brother or your parents with the house while you're there. On top of that, finish school and get looking for work. Once you land a job, make that your entire world.

Guys are nothing but trouble for you right now. You're better off without them—unless, of course, you manage to find someone wealthy (or just genuinely sane) who actually cares about you. But that requires having a pretty good eye for people.