It's not you, it's me

If you ignore the one decent relationship I had back in my teens, everything else has just been a series of pathetic attempts at something with people who—either bluntly or through some subtle hints—made it clear they were totally messed up and a relationship wouldn't work. In the last eight years, there haven't been many; maybe two, three cases tops, and they always end the exact same way.

Why do people even use lines like that? Is there an actual psychological basis for saying stuff like "It's not you, it's me," "I'm just broken," or any of those other low-key insults?
Aside from being a total slap in the face to your intelligence, it basically implies: you're so incredibly repulsive that I can't even bring myself to tell you directly.

I don't know how much weight to give to standard Psychology textbooks, but what are the odds that this supposed "brokenness" is actually true? Or is it all just a cover-up, like I suggested above?

Theory A: they're just broken, immature, or they straight up don't want a relationship because... well, whatever 🤷
Theory B: they think you're the problem, but they lack the guts to say it, so they act like they're the ones who are messed up instead 🙄

If it's A, then they’re clearly incapable of committing.
If it's B, then they're definitely lacking any shred of honesty.

Bottom line: you're better off being subtly brushed off by either type.😍

Some people probably just say that stuff without thinking, but for others, it’s actually their reality. Personally, I can't even wrap my head around being in a relationship. It's just not happening for me. It’s hard to explain that to someone who doesn't get it. And yeah, I've told plenty of people that's just how it is with me. Maybe, just like you, they didn't really grasp what I meant.🤷

I have no clue what kind of people you've been running into.

restlessharbor5 said:Theory A: they're just broken, immature, or they straight up don't want a relationship because... well, whatever 🤷
Theory B: they think you're the problem, but they lack the guts to say it, so they act like they're the ones who are messed up instead 🙄

If it's A, then they’re clearly incapable of committing.
If it's B, then they're definitely lacking any shred of honesty.

Bottom line: you're better off being subtly brushed off by either type.😍

This post honestly made my day. 🙂 😍

Alex Patel96 said:Some people probably just say that stuff without thinking, but for others, it’s actually their reality. Personally, I can't even wrap my head around being in a relationship. It's just not happening for me. It’s hard to explain that to someone who doesn't get it. And yeah, I've told plenty of people that's just how it is with me. Maybe, just like you, they didn't really grasp what I meant.🤷

I have no clue what kind of people you've been running into.

I get it. But there's this weird little paradox here. Not only did they all say the exact same thing, but they also kept insisting they were just waiting for "the one"—but that person never shows up. A pattern started forming, and it's starting to get under my skin.

I’m also out here waiting for the right one.😍 But they aren't showing up.😁

Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with you. People like that are just chasing something that doesn't exist. I've been there myself—I thought I finally found the one, only to realize there was always some catch. Some people are just wired to be never satisfied, constantly hunting for something... but there is no such thing as "the perfect person"!

Alex Patel96 said:I’m also out here waiting for the right one.😍 But they aren't showing up.😁

Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with you. People like that are just chasing something that doesn't exist. I've been there myself—I thought I finally found the one, only to realize there was always some catch. Some people are just wired to be never satisfied, constantly hunting for something... but there is no such thing as "the perfect person"!

If there's any single lesson we can pull from those old-school classic love stories, it's that we basically trick ourselves into believing we fall in love entirely by our own volition. All those tales we grew up on, passed down through generations, they bake these massive expectations into our heads for every single stage of a relationship.
— Robert J. Sternberg, Cupid's Arrow
(a quote used in the book by Mary-Lou Galician - Love and romance in the mass media - analysis & criticism of unrealistic portrayals & their influence - Analysis & Criticism of Unrealistic Portrayals & Their Influence)

You're picking disasters on purpose because you're a mess yourself. You lack the maturity and the guts to handle a healthy, strong relationship—the kind that actually requires blood, sweat, and tears. So, you use that as an excuse. Been there, seen it all. :-)))

It’s the same pattern with my friend; she only goes for married men, while another friend picks "needy" guys just so she can play mommy instead of being a partner. It all starts within us—it's our own internal universe—and that's where you have to begin.

Stop asking why these women are broken. Instead, ask yourself which part of you is broken and what you need to fix to stop choosing chaos over stability.

Sorry, I'm just giving it to you straight, but that's the bottom line. :-)

Alex Patel96 said:I’m also out here waiting for the right one.😍 But they aren't showing up.😁

Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with you. People like that are just chasing something that doesn't exist. I've been there myself—I thought I finally found the one, only to realize there was always some catch. Some people are just wired to be never satisfied, constantly hunting for something... but there is no such thing as "the perfect person"!

or maybe by "the one," you're just not the right one for them.😢

Ronald Garcia5 said:You're picking disasters on purpose because you're a mess yourself. You lack the maturity and the guts to handle a healthy, strong relationship—the kind that actually requires blood, sweat, and tears. So, you use that as an excuse. Been there, seen it all. :-)))

It’s the same pattern with my friend; she only goes for married men, while another friend picks "needy" guys just so she can play mommy instead of being a partner. It all starts within us—it's our own internal universe—and that's where you have to begin.

Stop asking why these women are broken. Instead, ask yourself which part of you is broken and what you need to fix to stop choosing chaos over stability.

Sorry, I'm just giving it to you straight, but that's the bottom line. :-)

I guess two broken people who both want to work on themselves could make it work too, maybe.🙂

People who actually want to work on themselves aren't going to pick some broken individual. They’ll choose someone healthy. And they'll be lucky if that healthy person is willing to put up with them and wait it out. Personally, I wouldn't 🙂

hiddenhawk3 said:or maybe by "the one," you're just not the right one for them.😢

I’ve never met anyone who actually fits that rule. Not even close.😁
Honestly, I don't think such a person even exists.🙄

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe two broken people actually trying to fix themselves can make it work. Perhaps. They just have to admit they're a mess and truly want to stop being one. Ugh. You've given me something to chew on.

Ronald Garcia5 said:You're picking disasters on purpose because you're a mess yourself. You lack the maturity and the guts to handle a healthy, strong relationship—the kind that actually requires blood, sweat, and tears. So, you use that as an excuse. Been there, seen it all. :-)))

It’s the same pattern with my friend; she only goes for married men, while another friend picks "needy" guys just so she can play mommy instead of being a partner. It all starts within us—it's our own internal universe—and that's where you have to begin.

Stop asking why these women are broken. Instead, ask yourself which part of you is broken and what you need to fix to stop choosing chaos over stability.

Sorry, I'm just giving it to you straight, but that's the bottom line. :-)

That would (partially) hold water if I'd ever actually had a chance at a normal relationship. Hard to say I don't have the guts for something I actually want.

But yeah, I could agree that I subconsciously pick messes for whatever reason. 🤷

And regarding your last point? I'm wondering about that more and more lately.

Alex Patel96 said:I’m also out here waiting for the right one.😍 But they aren't showing up.😁

Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with you. People like that are just chasing something that doesn't exist. I've been there myself—I thought I finally found the one, only to realize there was always some catch. Some people are just wired to be never satisfied, constantly hunting for something... but there is no such thing as "the perfect person"!

There's a ton of truth in this. ☕

Ronald Garcia5 said:People who actually want to work on themselves aren't going to pick some broken individual. They’ll choose someone healthy. And they'll be lucky if that healthy person is willing to put up with them and wait it out. Personally, I wouldn't 🙂

Yeah, but how many totally healthy people do you think actually exist? 🤷

If everyone was perfectly sane and functional, gambling dens and crime reports wouldn't be so full of 😛

And you, being this "healthy" person, would probably just ditch the person you like just because they're hitting a rough patch right now. 🤣

I mean, what if you're married and something happens—like an illness or an accident? Would you just kick your husband and kids to the curb too? 🙂??

edit: say someone gets laid off after ten years at a big firm, loses their savings, and falls into a depression. Is that even a valid reason to be depressed? Does that person suddenly lose their right to be with someone "normal"?
Life happens. Sometimes you just have to double down and deal with the mess. 🙂

hiddenhawk3 said:Yeah, but how many totally healthy people do you think actually exist? 🤷

If everyone was perfectly sane and functional, gambling dens and crime reports wouldn't be so full of 😛

And you, being this "healthy" person, would probably just ditch the person you like just because they're hitting a rough patch right now. 🤣

I mean, what if you're married and something happens—like an illness or an accident? Would you just kick your husband and kids to the curb too? 🙂??

edit: say someone gets laid off after ten years at a big firm, loses their savings, and falls into a depression. Is that even a valid reason to be depressed? Does that person suddenly lose their right to be with someone "normal"?
Life happens. Sometimes you just have to double down and deal with the mess. 🙂

I was just reading about why women in the States ghost guys. Some of the reasons are seriously brainless... 🤦 🤦 🤣

Alex Patel96 said:I’ve never met anyone who actually fits that rule. Not even close.😁
Honestly, I don't think such a person even exists.🙄

you just haven't met someone who can handle your flaws and where everything just clicks🤷
and you're actually attracted to each other

that's basically my definition of the right person🙂

hiddenhawk3 said:you just haven't met someone who can handle your flaws and where everything just clicks🤷
and you're actually attracted to each other

that's basically my definition of the right person🙂

There are way too many people like that out there. But sure, let’s pretend they have all these other great qualities. I'm not even going to bother falling for someone just because of that. Honestly, why would I? Got it.🤷

Then you'll be—or maybe you already are—simply head over heels in love!😍

The "normal" crowd makes up maybe 20% of the population at most.🙂 The statistics back me up on that.

As for harming infants or children—hell no. I’m sane. I would never do something like that.

When I say someone is messed up, I mean truly, deeply messed up. I'm not talking about a "rough patch." A phase is just a PHASE; it isn't being fundamentally broken.
Maybe my point is clearer now...

p.s.
To all the broken people trying to guilt-trip me because I won't help them: I've adopted a simple rule. I AM YOUR FRIEND, NOT YOUR PSYCHIATRIST. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. IF YOU NEED A PROFESSIONAL, GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. STOP EXPECTING ME TO PLAY THE ROLE. I DON'T HAVE THE TRAINING, AND I CERTAINLY DON'T GET PAID FOR IT. EVEN IF I WERE QUALIFIED, I wouldn't listen to this nonsense every single day for any amount of money. I have a right to my own life and my own choices. I don't demand you act as my therapist, and you can't demand the same from me.

Hmm, should I just put that in my email signature as an auto-reply?🙂

It feels like we’re circling back to that whole debate about whether it's worth trying to save someone who is emotionally wrecked or not.🤣
I’ve already made my position clear: I fall into that category myself.
As someone mentioned earlier, both scenarios—A and B—are entirely on the table.

I honestly don't get it. When I tell someone that I am this way, and I suggest it might be smarter for them to move on—which is quite literally the most sincere advice I can give—they almost always take it the wrong way. They decide I’m just some arrogant jerk who thinks I'm too good for them. It's exhausting.

The "normal" crowd makes up maybe 20 percent of the population at most. There are actual statistics to back that up.

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary: "normal" refers to what aligns with the standard, the regular, the customary, or the typical. 😁

Lisa Smith7 said:It feels like we’re circling back to that whole debate about whether it's worth trying to save someone who is emotionally wrecked or not.🤣
I’ve already made my position clear: I fall into that category myself.
As someone mentioned earlier, both scenarios—A and B—are entirely on the table.

I honestly don't get it. When I tell someone that I am this way, and I suggest it might be smarter for them to move on—which is quite literally the most sincere advice I can give—they almost always take it the wrong way. They decide I’m just some arrogant jerk who thinks I'm too good for them. It's exhausting.

The "normal" crowd makes up maybe 20 percent of the population at most. There are actual statistics to back that up.

According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary: "normal" refers to what aligns with the standard, the regular, the customary, or the typical. 😁

Yeah, something like that. 😁

Merriam-Webster 1962: normal means anything that aligns with the standard, the regular, the customary, the typical. 😁

There's a massive hole in that logic, but whatever. 😬