Learn from your parents or...?

I’m not gonna whine here. I won't complain, and I definitely won't go dragging anyone's name through the mud.
I guess I'm just wondering if it's actually possible to learn both the absolute best and the absolute worst traits from your parents, and then somehow end up as a fully realized individual—you know, keeping all those great qualities you picked up while somehow shaking off most of the bad stuff as you grow up?

I am sincerely hoping—and I mean this with everything I have—that when I eventually have kids of my own, I’ll turn out just like my mother. I want to be able to completely wipe away every bad memory of my father and find a husband who is actually a decent man and a better father than he ever was. Because let’s face it: they say women always end up marrying someone just like their dads. God forbid that happens to me. 🙄 🤮

I mean, if I end up turning out just like my old man—and honestly, I’m pretty worried that certain things might pull me toward that darker side—it’s probably not gonna be great. Even though he and I only really talk maybe once every six months, and even then I feel like I’ve said my piece, I'm starting to realize more and more that I won't necessarily inherit his worst traits. Or, well, maybe I won't anymore. I think I can just take those bad experiences and learn how to do things better instead.

Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing—honestly, it depends on how you look at it—people just soak up behaviors from their parents or whoever raised them, and they end up copying those patterns incredibly well. I mean, it's why adopted kids often "act just like" the people who actually stepped up to raise them and left their mark on their lives, rather than their biological parents. And I don't mean looking alike physically, obviously. Most of the time, we aren't even aware we're doing it, which makes it so hard to change.

David Jackson4 said:I’m not gonna whine here. I won't complain, and I definitely won't go dragging anyone's name through the mud.
I guess I'm just wondering if it's actually possible to learn both the absolute best and the absolute worst traits from your parents, and then somehow end up as a fully realized individual—you know, keeping all those great qualities you picked up while somehow shaking off most of the bad stuff as you grow up?

Whether you want to or not, you pick up a massive amount of baggage from your parents. And honestly, you spend your entire life trying to sort out what you wrote above.😉

As for those negative traits: sometimes you see them in yourself, sometimes you don't. Not everything is obvious right away.

And as for picking up every single positive trait from our parents? No. Just like we don't inherit all the bad stuff.

It’s honestly pretty tough to fight against the influence our parents have on us. Whether we want to admit it or not, they’re the ones who shaped us, and even if we turn out to be total opposites from them, a huge part of why we are the way we are comes down to their impact.
But at the end of the day, we’re all individuals, right? We each have our own moral compass and our own free will when it comes to making choices. Because of that, I don't think it's fair to pin all our mistakes on our parents, nor should we give them all the credit for our wins, even though they definitely played a role in both.

David Jackson4 said:I mean, if I end up turning out just like my old man—and honestly, I’m pretty worried that certain things might pull me toward that darker side—it’s probably not gonna be great. Even though he and I only really talk maybe once every six months, and even then I feel like I’ve said my piece, I'm starting to realize more and more that I won't necessarily inherit his worst traits. Or, well, maybe I won't anymore. I think I can just take those bad experiences and learn how to do things better instead.

First thing is you actually need to pinpoint what it is about him that bugs you. Then, you watch how you act.

For example, my biggest fear was becoming like my mom, who spent every waking hour cleaning. Years later, I caught myself spending an entire free weekend scrubbing the house. 🤣
If I hadn't noticed, I would've just kept going, convinced I was nothing like her.

No single trait exists in a vacuum. I don't know what specifically bothers you about your father, but if he actually wanted to change, he couldn't just flip one switch on one personality trait. It's usually a whole cluster of connected behaviors, and probably the root cause behind all of them too.

We inherit a great deal from our parents, both the virtues and the flaws. Fortunately, most people possess enough self-awareness and capacity for self-reflection to recognize these patterns and adjust their behavior. It is certainly not an easy task, but it remains possible.

David Jackson4 said:I mean, if I end up turning out just like my old man—and honestly, I’m pretty worried that certain things might pull me toward that darker side—it’s probably not gonna be great. Even though he and I only really talk maybe once every six months, and even then I feel like I’ve said my piece, I'm starting to realize more and more that I won't necessarily inherit his worst traits. Or, well, maybe I won't anymore. I think I can just take those bad experiences and learn how to do things better instead.

But look, it’s not as easy as just deciding not to "pick up" the bad stuff. 🤷
Unfortunately, some of his behaviors definitely pushed me toward my own "dark side." 😢
Just the other day, my wife pointed out that I’m pulling the exact same moves on her that my dad pulled on me my entire life. 😢 (We're talking about that constant psychological pressure—the kind I've dealt with in every single area of my life since I was a kid.)
To be totally real with you... I’m fully aware of it. I know exactly how I *shouldn't* be acting. I’ve been grinding to fix this for years, but man, it is hard. A few months back, I decided to start seeing a therapist (well, that's my own take on it anyway), and I think things are actually heading in a better direction. I am genuinely trying here...
I just pray that my beautiful little princess 😍 doesn't grow up to view older people the way I view them, and more importantly, I hope I never end up doing anything to her—even subconsciously—that my dad did to me.
Sometimes I'll snap or react in the moment, and then a split second later it hits me like a ton of bricks how I acted, but by then the damage is done... 😢 I'm working on minimizing those moments or cutting them out entirely (and no, I'm not hitting the kid, let's not get ahead of ourselves 🙄).

Amanda Hughes5 said:But look, it’s not as easy as just deciding not to "pick up" the bad stuff. 🤷
Unfortunately, some of his behaviors definitely pushed me toward my own "dark side." 😢
Just the other day, my wife pointed out that I’m pulling the exact same moves on her that my dad pulled on me my entire life. 😢 (We're talking about that constant psychological pressure—the kind I've dealt with in every single area of my life since I was a kid.)
To be totally real with you... I’m fully aware of it. I know exactly how I *shouldn't* be acting. I’ve been grinding to fix this for years, but man, it is hard. A few months back, I decided to start seeing a therapist (well, that's my own take on it anyway), and I think things are actually heading in a better direction. I am genuinely trying here...
I just pray that my beautiful little princess 😍 doesn't grow up to view older people the way I view them, and more importantly, I hope I never end up doing anything to her—even subconsciously—that my dad did to me.
Sometimes I'll snap or react in the moment, and then a split second later it hits me like a ton of bricks how I acted, but by then the damage is done... 😢 I'm working on minimizing those moments or cutting them out entirely (and no, I'm not hitting the kid, let's not get ahead of ourselves 🙄).

See, this is what breaking through boundaries and actually doing the work to know yourself looks like. Respect.

Being self-aware, realizing you can't act like a drill sergeant all the time, and actually putting in the effort to change.

If you keep this up, I'm telling you, your little girl isn't going to have any issues with you.

silverraven7 said:See, this is what breaking through boundaries and actually doing the work to know yourself looks like. Respect.

Being self-aware, realizing you can't act like a drill sergeant all the time, and actually putting in the effort to change.

If you keep this up, I'm telling you, your little girl isn't going to have any issues with you.

Thanks, 🙂

I'm personally hoping we don't run into those issues and that we can just love each other for as long as we're around. 😍
And speaking of constant learning and pushing limits... honestly, the easiest thing in the world is to just let go and be "exactly who you are." But let's be real—that's pretty selfish and pretty bad for the long haul. You've gotta work on yourself and on the relationships with the people closest to you, just so things stay good and comfortable later in life—instead of everyone running away from us (which is exactly what happened with my 😢).

David Jackson4 said:I’m not gonna whine here. I won't complain, and I definitely won't go dragging anyone's name through the mud.
I guess I'm just wondering if it's actually possible to learn both the absolute best and the absolute worst traits from your parents, and then somehow end up as a fully realized individual—you know, keeping all those great qualities you picked up while somehow shaking off most of the bad stuff as you grow up?

It really comes down to your environment.
For instance, if your parents and everyone else you grow up around rely solely on punishment to teach lessons, you'll likely assume that's just how parenting works and repeat those patterns.
But if it's just your parents and you realize their methods are flawed—that positive reinforcement is a better way to go—you'll have a much better shot at breaking the cycle with your own kids.

My dad and I pretty much don't talk, unless it’s some extreme emergency, and even then, half the time I just end up hanging up on him before we can even get going.
I honestly just can't deal with the constant lecturing about how he’s my father and how I should be the one reaching out first, or why I haven't called him lately.
The guy hasn't done a single thing for me in my life, so I don't owe him anything, and just because he's "family" doesn't give him any right to look down on me or act all patronizing.
If anything, all I learned from him was how to actually treat women with respect and value them. I also learned to be honest, which, I guess, has cost me some close friends here and there, but I just can't bring myself to be anyone else.

You learn on your own—through your own mistakes, through what you see others do... You can't have someone lecture you on how to live or what's right and wrong. Not even your parents. Two people can be exactly the same and still see the world totally differently.

David Jackson4 said:My dad and I pretty much don't talk, unless it’s some extreme emergency, and even then, half the time I just end up hanging up on him before we can even get going.
I honestly just can't deal with the constant lecturing about how he’s my father and how I should be the one reaching out first, or why I haven't called him lately.
The guy hasn't done a single thing for me in my life, so I don't owe him anything, and just because he's "family" doesn't give him any right to look down on me or act all patronizing.
If anything, all I learned from him was how to actually treat women with respect and value them. I also learned to be honest, which, I guess, has cost me some close friends here and there, but I just can't bring myself to be anyone else.

Honestly, I don't see what your issue is here...
What do you mean you "can't go against yourself"????
Look, if he's your father, he didn't create you to be his property, and you aren't doing anything wrong by setting boundaries.
Sure, you're supposed to respect your parents throughout your entire life, but that applies to parents who actually act like parents in the first place.

Take my mom, for example. She’s mostly fine, but the second money gets mentioned, she turns into a completely different person. I was basically on my own from age 14, working weekend shifts at a local diner just to pay for school, clothes, and food.
It’s pointless to list everything I resent about her, but it always felt like my brother had everything handed to him on a silver platter while I had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing I owned.
And whenever we fought, she always expected me to be the one to apologize, regardless of whether I was actually in the wrong. We could go a whole month without speaking, and during those times, she wouldn't even bother to make sure I had a hot meal waiting for me...

I've said it so many times: if I ever end up acting like her toward my own kids, may Bog spare me from ever having them. My heart would just break knowing they were going through what I went through, even if I was doing it unintentionally.

But hey, I have a kid now, and I try my best to provide everything they need—and maybe a few things they don't—and yeah, I definitely overdo it sometimes. But I will never, ever let my child be forced to work just to afford basic clothes and food at 14, all because one kid gets nothing while the other gets served on a tray.

I don't think I'll ever become like her, because I know exactly how much it hurt, and my kid isn't going to deal with that.
Obviously, stuff like this leaves a mark on you, but if you ever find yourself facing a situation similar to what you have with your dad, I bet a little lightbulb will go off in your head. It'll stop you from repeating the same mistakes that caused you so much pain in the first place...

Over the last few years, I’ve come to realize that I have finally "exited the lane" my parents set for me. 🙂

For the longest time, my internal compass was essentially just an echo of their voices; I would find myself thinking, "that's what Dad told me," or "this is how Mom sees things." Their perspectives served as the very axis of my personality, operating under the assumption that whatever my parents believed or felt was inherently the most correct path to take.

In many respects, those foundational principles they instilled in us are sound, but life eventually introduces those subtle nuances—the finer details and specific complexities where we begin to forge our own opinions and make the independent decisions that ultimately define who we are as individuals.

Just recently, I’ve noticed several instances where my parents hold a certain view or act in a specific way, yet I feel certain I would handle the situation differently—acting in a way that aligns more closely with my own conscience and sense of morality. To be honest, I’m actually quite relieved to have reached this stage of maturity where I am no longer so "dependent" on their guidance; I’ve stopped absorbing everything like a sponge, and instead, I carefully weigh and reflect upon everyone's input before finally arriving at my own conclusions and deciding whether or not to act. 🙄

Negative options... history just keeps repeating itself, doesn't it? We only seem to deal with things once they stop being an issue for us personally.

Respect your parents, and maybe you'll actually get some longevity and peace here on this earth.😍

Oh sure, you all are just absolutely wonderful. Truly.😉

And honestly, it’s totally doable. I’ve used my own family as a blueprint—knowing exactly what I want out of life, what I don't, and the kind of person I’m aiming to become versus the version of myself I definitely want to avoid.
The good and the bad traits my parents carry have all left their mark on me, for better or worse.
But since there’s way more good than bad in the mix, I’m hoping that one day I might at least be a solid 1/5th of the people they are...

My family isn't bad by any means—really, they aren't—but as I get older, I find myself craving a completely different lifestyle because I’m starting to see things I genuinely want to change. Of course, they aren't exactly thrilled that my thoughts and actions don't align with their specific vision for me, but I’m sticking to my guns regardless.
It isn't about being rebellious or difficult just for the sake of it; it's simply that I am my own person and I hold different values in life. I really wish they could just respect that, but instead, they act like I’ve completely lost my mind.🙄.

Both of my parents spent my entire life ignoring me or tearing me down—honestly, I didn't walk away from that upbringing with much besides one hard-earned lesson: don't end up like them. To them, nothing matters more than their own immediate comfort, and they'll step over anyone to get it.