Lost friendships

This issue has been weighing on me for quite some time—though, admittedly, it tends to fade whenever I get buried under a mountain of work. Fortunately, my workload is heavy enough that free time is a luxury I rarely afford... though...
I’ve always been the type of person who struggles to connect with people, let alone build actual friendships. To be honest, my elementary and high school years were pretty miserable; back then, I was desperate for social validation and just wanted to find a group where I could "blend in." I can't even begin to describe how much that hurt. Once I finished my responsibilities, all I wanted was some company, but it always seemed to boil down to people only reaching out when they needed a favor. Otherwise, nothing. It led me to bury myself in books—it was my way of building a world to disappear into, trying to forget the constant sense of emptiness that haunted me. When I started college, my circle was limited to my ex-boyfriend and a few acquaintances. Surprisingly, I actually found a group during my university years; we were close throughout our studies, but the differences between us became too glaring to ignore, and we drifted apart without a word. There was too much superficiality, too much opportunism, and frankly, my own total intolerance for how most of them thought. A lot of time has passed since then, and while I have no desire to reach out to anyone, I still occasionally struggle with the absence of friendship. I suppose humans need their "pack" to make life more bearable. I don't know how I've made it this far, but I feel like a Hess Wolf. Everything is fine as long as I'm busy, but once the work stops, it’s pure misery. Does anyone else here have similar experiences? Please, share. Thanks 🙂

I don't really have any similar stories to share, but man, your post totally caught my eye! Honestly, what you’re going through probably isn't as weird as it sounds to me—it's just that I haven't run into anyone with a story quite like yours before.

Did you have any buddies growing up, like, even before you started school?
What was the vibe like for you in elementary or high school when it came to making friends? Any struggles there?
And seriously, did you really not stay in touch with *anyone* from college?
Do you have work buddies or maybe some hobby groups where you meet people who actually get you?
Like, people with similar interests?

Do you ever feel like you're just wired differently than the people around you?
Got any quirky talents, or maybe things like being super sensitive to loud noises or bright lights? Or even stuff like clothing tags driving you crazy?

If none of that hits the mark, could you throw some other examples my way that you haven't mentioned yet?

It’s just how things work. Men still tend to hang out in packs; my buddies can walk into any local pub at any hour and always find a crowd. But as a woman, you often find yourself feeling isolated or alone. That idea of friendships straight out of X and the City—those four best friends navigating life side-by-side, always there for one another—doesn't actually exist for 90% of people.

I have navigated this myself, and honestly, I am still working through it. I don't want to claim I’ve "solved" this issue, because I believe connecting with others is a lifelong practice that requires constant attention.

My history is quite telling: zero friends from elementary school, two from high school—though we didn't truly bond until after graduation—zero from college, and everyone else was met later in life through various stages of adulthood. Today, I have about ten people I consider true friends, a mix of men and women.

Building a friendship takes time for some of us; for me, it usually takes about two years of consistent effort and self-reflection. It isn't enough to simply grab coffee and chat; you need shared experiences. That is how bonds are forged—by going through things together. Post-school, that might mean road trips, taking a class, or playing sports.

I have stopped idealizing friendship and have generally lowered my expectations of people. The notion that a friend must be someone who understands me perfectly or is available at every single moment has completely evaporated. I used to have so few friends I could count them on one hand. While there is nothing inherently wrong with that, I wanted more people in my circle and was willing to make certain compromises—provided I kept my boundaries firm.

My friendships vary significantly. My male friends and female friends offer different things, as do the men among themselves and the women among themselves. For instance, my male friends aren't the type to comfort me if some guy breaks my heart, nor do I expect them to. However, that doesn't mean they lack depth. They provide practical value: advice on dating, help picking out tech gear, or fixing my phone or computer when it crashes. We watch games together, play darts, talk politics, or discuss fitness and nutrition if they are gym regulars. There is always something to engage on.

Approaching people without prejudice is easier said than done. I always considered myself an open-minded, liberal person, yet somehow I subconsciously avoided socializing with anyone outside my academic bubble after high school (even though I finished my degree). In the last few years, I became close with two guys who only finished high school, and they have been one of the greatest surprises of my life. Sure, they don't know anything about psychology or philosophy, but they are the first ones there when I need help assembling furniture. We talk movies and music, and they are much more spontaneous than my female friends when it comes to activities like camping or hiking. In return, I help them with things I excel at, like drafting cover letters for jobs or prepping for interviews. I genuinely enjoy their company.

Speaking of breaking prejudices, I also formed a wonderful friendship with a woman who is retired. She shares a similar life story to mine, allowing her to understand me on a level that none of my other friends can reach. Every so often, we go out for dessert or a shopping trip.

As for being taken advantage of, there is no simple recipe. You will always encounter all kinds of people. The key is building self-confidence so you don't allow others to erode it, while practicing better judgment. It is possible. But the premise that everyone is bad or purely self-serving leads nowhere, and I refuse to believe it.

Nancy Cook17 said:I don't really have any similar stories to share, but man, your post totally caught my eye! Honestly, what you’re going through probably isn't as weird as it sounds to me—it's just that I haven't run into anyone with a story quite like yours before.

Did you have any buddies growing up, like, even before you started school?
What was the vibe like for you in elementary or high school when it came to making friends? Any struggles there?
And seriously, did you really not stay in touch with *anyone* from college?
Do you have work buddies or maybe some hobby groups where you meet people who actually get you?
Like, people with similar interests?

Do you ever feel like you're just wired differently than the people around you?
Got any quirky talents, or maybe things like being super sensitive to loud noises or bright lights? Or even stuff like clothing tags driving you crazy?

If none of that hits the mark, could you throw some other examples my way that you haven't mentioned yet?

My childhood is mostly a blur—I was living in another country back then, though I have zero connection to that place now since I was far too young to remember much. Elementary school was just a series of superficial friendships, and I eventually switched schools because of bullying... honestly, things were even worse at the second one.
High school was... mediocre, I suppose. People were mostly indifferent—socializing only when they needed help with homework or a hand during exams (I was exceptionally gifted in certain subjects, if I do say so myself). About halfway through, I went through something truly ugly that just made me withdraw even further. It was pretty depressing.
Surface-level friendships—it’s all just for grabbing drinks, I guess. When it comes to actually having a real conversation? Zero. It's all incredibly shallow and empty.
Work colleagues... hm. They were always the last people I wanted to engage with—mostly because I've been part of some pretty cutthroat environments where sabotage wasn't just common, it was dangerous. In those circles, everyone seemed obsessed with prying into private lives or gossiping over coffee breaks, none of which ever really interested me. Plus, having worked across so many different sites, I figured it was probably best to just stay reserved.
My hobbies are fairly "introverted"—not that I mind—they're more solitary pursuits than group activities.
Feeling a bit too different—it’s something one could spend a fair amount of time ruminating on—but I suppose I can say that, in certain respects, I am quite unlike most people.
I suppose I wouldn't call myself the neurodivergent type—not exactly an Aspen. I have certain talents, I guess, and my brain tends to move quite fast at times. I can read people, sense things, formulate thoughts, learn quickly—and yes, I am creative.

Carl Cox3 said:It’s just how things work. Men still tend to hang out in packs; my buddies can walk into any local pub at any hour and always find a crowd. But as a woman, you often find yourself feeling isolated or alone. That idea of friendships straight out of X and the City—those four best friends navigating life side-by-side, always there for one another—doesn't actually exist for 90% of people.

Carl Cox3, that’s clear as day—we can't kid ourselves—it's practically non-existent.

hiddenangler7 said:I have navigated this myself, and honestly, I am still working through it. I don't want to claim I’ve "solved" this issue, because I believe connecting with others is a lifelong practice that requires constant attention.

My history is quite telling: zero friends from elementary school, two from high school—though we didn't truly bond until after graduation—zero from college, and everyone else was met later in life through various stages of adulthood. Today, I have about ten people I consider true friends, a mix of men and women.

Building a friendship takes time for some of us; for me, it usually takes about two years of consistent effort and self-reflection. It isn't enough to simply grab coffee and chat; you need shared experiences. That is how bonds are forged—by going through things together. Post-school, that might mean road trips, taking a class, or playing sports.

I have stopped idealizing friendship and have generally lowered my expectations of people. The notion that a friend must be someone who understands me perfectly or is available at every single moment has completely evaporated. I used to have so few friends I could count them on one hand. While there is nothing inherently wrong with that, I wanted more people in my circle and was willing to make certain compromises—provided I kept my boundaries firm.

My friendships vary significantly. My male friends and female friends offer different things, as do the men among themselves and the women among themselves. For instance, my male friends aren't the type to comfort me if some guy breaks my heart, nor do I expect them to. However, that doesn't mean they lack depth. They provide practical value: advice on dating, help picking out tech gear, or fixing my phone or computer when it crashes. We watch games together, play darts, talk politics, or discuss fitness and nutrition if they are gym regulars. There is always something to engage on.

Approaching people without prejudice is easier said than done. I always considered myself an open-minded, liberal person, yet somehow I subconsciously avoided socializing with anyone outside my academic bubble after high school (even though I finished my degree). In the last few years, I became close with two guys who only finished high school, and they have been one of the greatest surprises of my life. Sure, they don't know anything about psychology or philosophy, but they are the first ones there when I need help assembling furniture. We talk movies and music, and they are much more spontaneous than my female friends when it comes to activities like camping or hiking. In return, I help them with things I excel at, like drafting cover letters for jobs or prepping for interviews. I genuinely enjoy their company.

Speaking of breaking prejudices, I also formed a wonderful friendship with a woman who is retired. She shares a similar life story to mine, allowing her to understand me on a level that none of my other friends can reach. Every so often, we go out for dessert or a shopping trip.

As for being taken advantage of, there is no simple recipe. You will always encounter all kinds of people. The key is building self-confidence so you don't allow others to erode it, while practicing better judgment. It is possible. But the premise that everyone is bad or purely self-serving leads nowhere, and I refuse to believe it.

I suppose I don't really go looking for people—they tend to find me instead. Life has essentially liberated me from the weight of prejudice; whether someone is wealthy or broke, healthy or ill, highly educated or otherwise... it doesn't change much for me. They usually end up walking away quite quickly, though—mostly because I have no interest in meeting their expectations.
Exploitation—well, that was an issue until my freshman year of college. After that, I simply didn't have the bandwidth to deal with anyone trying to take advantage of me. Nowadays, it's practically impossible, since I've stripped away almost everything I would consider a potential vulnerability.

Paul Howard9 said:My childhood is mostly a blur—I was living in another country back then, though I have zero connection to that place now since I was far too young to remember much. Elementary school was just a series of superficial friendships, and I eventually switched schools because of bullying... honestly, things were even worse at the second one.
High school was... mediocre, I suppose. People were mostly indifferent—socializing only when they needed help with homework or a hand during exams (I was exceptionally gifted in certain subjects, if I do say so myself). About halfway through, I went through something truly ugly that just made me withdraw even further. It was pretty depressing.
Surface-level friendships—it’s all just for grabbing drinks, I guess. When it comes to actually having a real conversation? Zero. It's all incredibly shallow and empty.
Work colleagues... hm. They were always the last people I wanted to engage with—mostly because I've been part of some pretty cutthroat environments where sabotage wasn't just common, it was dangerous. In those circles, everyone seemed obsessed with prying into private lives or gossiping over coffee breaks, none of which ever really interested me. Plus, having worked across so many different sites, I figured it was probably best to just stay reserved.
My hobbies are fairly "introverted"—not that I mind—they're more solitary pursuits than group activities.
Feeling a bit too different—it’s something one could spend a fair amount of time ruminating on—but I suppose I can say that, in certain respects, I am quite unlike most people.
I suppose I wouldn't call myself the neurodivergent type—not exactly an Aspen. I have certain talents, I guess, and my brain tends to move quite fast at times. I can read people, sense things, formulate thoughts, learn quickly—and yes, I am creative.

Carl Cox3, that’s clear as day—we can't kid ourselves—it's practically non-existent.

I suppose I don't really go looking for people—they tend to find me instead. Life has essentially liberated me from the weight of prejudice; whether someone is wealthy or broke, healthy or ill, highly educated or otherwise... it doesn't change much for me. They usually end up walking away quite quickly, though—mostly because I have no interest in meeting their expectations.
Exploitation—well, that was an issue until my freshman year of college. After that, I simply didn't have the bandwidth to deal with anyone trying to take advantage of me. Nowadays, it's practically impossible, since I've stripped away almost everything I would consider a potential vulnerability.

You’ve left me a bit puzzled. If people are approaching you, that's generally a positive sign. You can't definitively conclude that people leave because you failed to meet their expectations; that seems like a conclusion drawn without much evidence. I doubt they actually told you that's why they stopped reaching out. Even a close friend of fifteen years doesn't always tell me exactly what they're thinking, let alone someone I've known for only a month or two. It seems more likely that there's just a natural cycle of people entering and leaving your life. Perhaps my own mother is the only one who tells me things exactly as they are. We all maintain an inner world that we don't share with others. From your post, it sounds as though you might not have taken the initiative when it mattered most.

In my view, the reason people drift away is tied to how friendships are built—through shared experiences, which require time. Casual coffee dates and occasional chats aren't enough. You can meet someone and feel an instant connection, yet nothing ever comes of it. This has happened to me countless times. To build something lasting, you have to be willing to 1. invest, and 2. be vulnerable (albeit with a healthy dose of caution).

Paul Howard9 said:This issue has been weighing on me for quite some time—though, admittedly, it tends to fade whenever I get buried under a mountain of work. Fortunately, my workload is heavy enough that free time is a luxury I rarely afford... though...
I’ve always been the type of person who struggles to connect with people, let alone build actual friendships. To be honest, my elementary and high school years were pretty miserable; back then, I was desperate for social validation and just wanted to find a group where I could "blend in." I can't even begin to describe how much that hurt. Once I finished my responsibilities, all I wanted was some company, but it always seemed to boil down to people only reaching out when they needed a favor. Otherwise, nothing. It led me to bury myself in books—it was my way of building a world to disappear into, trying to forget the constant sense of emptiness that haunted me. When I started college, my circle was limited to my ex-boyfriend and a few acquaintances. Surprisingly, I actually found a group during my university years; we were close throughout our studies, but the differences between us became too glaring to ignore, and we drifted apart without a word. There was too much superficiality, too much opportunism, and frankly, my own total intolerance for how most of them thought. A lot of time has passed since then, and while I have no desire to reach out to anyone, I still occasionally struggle with the absence of friendship. I suppose humans need their "pack" to make life more bearable. I don't know how I've made it this far, but I feel like a Hess Wolf. Everything is fine as long as I'm busy, but once the work stops, it’s pure misery. Does anyone else here have similar experiences? Please, share. Thanks 🙂

So, what kind of friendship are you actually looking for here? What’s the endgame? And if you’re whining about being used, why on earth are you handing stuff out that you don't want to give... seriously? Is it just that you can't stand certain ways of thinking? Look, some people are just incredibly closed-minded, and yeah, trying to be friends with them is exhausting and a total drain (not saying that's you, by the way)... But then again, if they’re out there acting like bigots or beating up anyone who isn't "normal," and you can't stand that, well, that's pretty obvious to me...

Look, everybody needs some kind of connection, that much is obvious. I’m saying this as someone who actually thrives on being alone... honestly, I can go months without seeing a soul and be perfectly fine. Those two things aren't even related. So, yeah, I get why you're struggling if you've got nobody in your corner right now. But what's the plan? Are you actually doing anything to change the situation or just sitting there...?

Carl Cox3 said:It’s just how things work. Men still tend to hang out in packs; my buddies can walk into any local pub at any hour and always find a crowd. But as a woman, you often find yourself feeling isolated or alone. That idea of friendships straight out of X and the City—those four best friends navigating life side-by-side, always there for one another—doesn't actually exist for 90% of people.

I don't even know... I mean, most of the time I end up hanging out with guys (just how things turned out, I guess), but at my last place, I was mostly running with a crowd of girls (that also just happened...). 😁Honestly, we were all just out there having a blast together... total group vibe. Even at the local pub I hit up back home in the States, you see guys and women hanging out regardless of how old they are. I don't really notice any massive difference in how people act, either—I mean, sure, the women might be slightly smaller on average, but it’s not like it's a huge deal or anything...
Honestly, I’ve always preferred hanging out with a whole crowd rather than just one person... there's way less pressure on me that way. If I need to bail, go silent, or just totally zone out, I can do it without making anyone feel insulted or anything. Plus, groups are more unpredictable, which is something I actually value when I'm being social. Don't get me wrong, one-on-one time is huge, and those deep, soul-searching conversations matter, but I don't need them constantly or I'd be completely burnt out. But when it counts, I can always talk things through with my inner circle, grab a coffee alone with a close friend, go for a walk, or ask for help—or offer it myself.
I have to admit though, with everything in life, you need a little bit of luck on your side. I mean, I've definitely sat there wondering what I ever did to deserve having such interesting and genuinely great people in my life.

hiddenangler7 said:You’ve left me a bit puzzled. If people are approaching you, that's generally a positive sign. You can't definitively conclude that people leave because you failed to meet their expectations; that seems like a conclusion drawn without much evidence. I doubt they actually told you that's why they stopped reaching out. Even a close friend of fifteen years doesn't always tell me exactly what they're thinking, let alone someone I've known for only a month or two. It seems more likely that there's just a natural cycle of people entering and leaving your life. Perhaps my own mother is the only one who tells me things exactly as they are. We all maintain an inner world that we don't share with others. From your post, it sounds as though you might not have taken the initiative when it mattered most.

In my view, the reason people drift away is tied to how friendships are built—through shared experiences, which require time. Casual coffee dates and occasional chats aren't enough. You can meet someone and feel an instant connection, yet nothing ever comes of it. This has happened to me countless times. To build something lasting, you have to be willing to 1. invest, and 2. be vulnerable (albeit with a healthy dose of caution).

To be honest, I just felt like something was off. Another factor is that I don't stay in one place for long. It's true—everything takes time, and frankly, finding the time is hard enough... let alone finding the stability. One day I'm here, the next I'm somewhere else entirely. This lifestyle comes at a significant cost.

Paul Howard9 said:To be honest, I just felt like something was off. Another factor is that I don't stay in one place for long. It's true—everything takes time, and frankly, finding the time is hard enough... let alone finding the stability. One day I'm here, the next I'm somewhere else entirely. This lifestyle comes at a significant cost.

That seems to be a completely different set of circumstances. Your situation might also have a social component, considering what you mentioned in your first post regarding your experiences throughout elementary school, high school, and college. It is possible that because of all that, you’ve become incredibly distrustful of new people, which leads to you jumping from one thing to the next. But we can only speculate since we don't truly know you.

However, your primary obstacle right now is the constant moving and the lack of time for people due to your career. There isn't much anyone can suggest to you in that regard. People get married, they divorce, they quit jobs, they take on new roles, they move abroad, they return from overseas, they change careers, they go on trips, they come back from trips, and so on—all in an attempt to find or build whatever it is they feel is missing in their lives at any given moment.

jadeowl2 said:So, what kind of friendship are you actually looking for here? What’s the endgame? And if you’re whining about being used, why on earth are you handing stuff out that you don't want to give... seriously? Is it just that you can't stand certain ways of thinking? Look, some people are just incredibly closed-minded, and yeah, trying to be friends with them is exhausting and a total drain (not saying that's you, by the way)... But then again, if they’re out there acting like bigots or beating up anyone who isn't "normal," and you can't stand that, well, that's pretty obvious to me...

Look, everybody needs some kind of connection, that much is obvious. I’m saying this as someone who actually thrives on being alone... honestly, I can go months without seeing a soul and be perfectly fine. Those two things aren't even related. So, yeah, I get why you're struggling if you've got nobody in your corner right now. But what's the plan? Are you actually doing anything to change the situation or just sitting there...?

I don't even know... I mean, most of the time I end up hanging out with guys (just how things turned out, I guess), but at my last place, I was mostly running with a crowd of girls (that also just happened...). 😁Honestly, we were all just out there having a blast together... total group vibe. Even at the local pub I hit up back home in the States, you see guys and women hanging out regardless of how old they are. I don't really notice any massive difference in how people act, either—I mean, sure, the women might be slightly smaller on average, but it’s not like it's a huge deal or anything...
Honestly, I’ve always preferred hanging out with a whole crowd rather than just one person... there's way less pressure on me that way. If I need to bail, go silent, or just totally zone out, I can do it without making anyone feel insulted or anything. Plus, groups are more unpredictable, which is something I actually value when I'm being social. Don't get me wrong, one-on-one time is huge, and those deep, soul-searching conversations matter, but I don't need them constantly or I'd be completely burnt out. But when it counts, I can always talk things through with my inner circle, grab a coffee alone with a close friend, go for a walk, or ask for help—or offer it myself.
I have to admit though, with everything in life, you need a little bit of luck on your side. I mean, I've definitely sat there wondering what I ever did to deserve having such interesting and genuinely great people in my life.

I realize I skipped over your questions.
I'm looking for honesty in a friendship.
As I mentioned before, the era of being exploited ended when I started college.
The intolerance specifically refers to the example you gave—that sort of baseless conservatism.
Am I taking action? That's a fair question. As I noted, I don't really take active steps, other than carefully observing the people who approach me. If there's a chance for a genuine connection, I'm open to it, but most of the time it's difficult—my job keeps me constantly moving from place to place. But the people I get along with and can communicate with openly are very sincere and transparent; unfortunately, they are quite far away. It makes things hard. Especially with this Easter lockdown, I can't even visit them during my time off. We're talking about a distance of roughly 622 miles miles.

hiddenangler7 said:That seems to be a completely different set of circumstances. Your situation might also have a social component, considering what you mentioned in your first post regarding your experiences throughout elementary school, high school, and college. It is possible that because of all that, you’ve become incredibly distrustful of new people, which leads to you jumping from one thing to the next. But we can only speculate since we don't truly know you.

However, your primary obstacle right now is the constant moving and the lack of time for people due to your career. There isn't much anyone can suggest to you in that regard. People get married, they divorce, they quit jobs, they take on new roles, they move abroad, they return from overseas, they change careers, they go on trips, they come back from trips, and so on—all in an attempt to find or build whatever it is they feel is missing in their lives at any given moment.

That is absolutely true; everything you listed is a compensatory mechanism, which is actually quite satisfying in its own way, provided the individual finds meaning in it.

Paul Howard9 said:I realize I skipped over your questions.
I'm looking for honesty in a friendship.
As I mentioned before, the era of being exploited ended when I started college.
The intolerance specifically refers to the example you gave—that sort of baseless conservatism.
Am I taking action? That's a fair question. As I noted, I don't really take active steps, other than carefully observing the people who approach me. If there's a chance for a genuine connection, I'm open to it, but most of the time it's difficult—my job keeps me constantly moving from place to place. But the people I get along with and can communicate with openly are very sincere and transparent; unfortunately, they are quite far away. It makes things hard. Especially with this Easter lockdown, I can't even visit them during my time off. We're talking about a distance of roughly 622 miles miles.

That is absolutely true; everything you listed is a compensatory mechanism, which is actually quite satisfying in its own way, provided the individual finds meaning in it.

Ugh, "honesty"... that's such a vague concept 🙂, can you give me an actual example?
When you say you're constantly moving, how often are we talking? A few times a year? I ask because I move around a lot too, but it's more like once every couple of years, which is enough time for things to actually happen, even if I don't go out of my way to meet people. Also, I'm more than 622 miles away from everyone close to me, but honestly, seeing them whenever I can is enough for me... though when I finally do see them, I wonder how the hell I survived not seeing them for so long 😁.

What do you mean by "observing" people? Is just hanging out casually not an option for you? I mean, I get that you don't want to waste your time with just anyone—personally, I can't stand socializing with people where the conversation is just house-kids-job bullshit. But grabbing a drink with a chill group, going on a trip, hitting the movies (yeah, I know, now is the perfect time 🤣), without needing everything to be deep... that can be refreshing. It shifts your focus, and maybe something could actually grow from it.

jadeowl2 said:Ugh, "honesty"... that's such a vague concept 🙂, can you give me an actual example?
When you say you're constantly moving, how often are we talking? A few times a year? I ask because I move around a lot too, but it's more like once every couple of years, which is enough time for things to actually happen, even if I don't go out of my way to meet people. Also, I'm more than 622 miles away from everyone close to me, but honestly, seeing them whenever I can is enough for me... though when I finally do see them, I wonder how the hell I survived not seeing them for so long 😁.

What do you mean by "observing" people? Is just hanging out casually not an option for you? I mean, I get that you don't want to waste your time with just anyone—personally, I can't stand socializing with people where the conversation is just house-kids-job bullshit. But grabbing a drink with a chill group, going on a trip, hitting the movies (yeah, I know, now is the perfect time 🤣), without needing everything to be deep... that can be refreshing. It shifts your focus, and maybe something could actually grow from it.

It isn't really an abstract concept; a person either is honest or they aren't. I simply can't stand dishonest people—I tend to see through them far too quickly, which, I suppose, ends up frustrating them as well.
Well, I've certainly moved twice a year. And I "observe"—or scan—their behavior and intentions precisely because I don't socialize just to fill the monotony; I do it to find people I can actually talk to comfortably, avoiding those repetitive house-work-kids topics. Hmm... casual socializing... well, where I am now, people don't really socialize all that much; it seems everyone is tucked away in their family lives, focusing exclusively on that. They aren't particularly interested in picnics or going for walks with acquaintances.

Carl Cox3 said:It’s just how things work. Men still tend to hang out in packs; my buddies can walk into any local pub at any hour and always find a crowd. But as a woman, you often find yourself feeling isolated or alone. That idea of friendships straight out of X and the City—those four best friends navigating life side-by-side, always there for one another—doesn't actually exist for 90% of people.

That’s exactly how it works—my brother is the perfect example. He sticks with the same core group from elementary school all the way through high school and college. Honestly, if you can manage to stay on good terms with everyone from your childhood through your graduation, you're doing alright.

Honestly, most girls just lose their minds once they finally land a boyfriend—they get so wrapped up in that one person that they basically drift away from everyone else. It’s kind of a mess, right? That's why I think every girl should really make an effort to find a partner specifically so she can plug into his social circle and build a whole new crew through him. It’s just common sense if you want to keep your social life from drying up!

hiddenangler7 said:I have navigated this myself, and honestly, I am still working through it. I don't want to claim I’ve "solved" this issue, because I believe connecting with others is a lifelong practice that requires constant attention.

My history is quite telling: zero friends from elementary school, two from high school—though we didn't truly bond until after graduation—zero from college, and everyone else was met later in life through various stages of adulthood. Today, I have about ten people I consider true friends, a mix of men and women.

Building a friendship takes time for some of us; for me, it usually takes about two years of consistent effort and self-reflection. It isn't enough to simply grab coffee and chat; you need shared experiences. That is how bonds are forged—by going through things together. Post-school, that might mean road trips, taking a class, or playing sports.

I have stopped idealizing friendship and have generally lowered my expectations of people. The notion that a friend must be someone who understands me perfectly or is available at every single moment has completely evaporated. I used to have so few friends I could count them on one hand. While there is nothing inherently wrong with that, I wanted more people in my circle and was willing to make certain compromises—provided I kept my boundaries firm.

My friendships vary significantly. My male friends and female friends offer different things, as do the men among themselves and the women among themselves. For instance, my male friends aren't the type to comfort me if some guy breaks my heart, nor do I expect them to. However, that doesn't mean they lack depth. They provide practical value: advice on dating, help picking out tech gear, or fixing my phone or computer when it crashes. We watch games together, play darts, talk politics, or discuss fitness and nutrition if they are gym regulars. There is always something to engage on.

Approaching people without prejudice is easier said than done. I always considered myself an open-minded, liberal person, yet somehow I subconsciously avoided socializing with anyone outside my academic bubble after high school (even though I finished my degree). In the last few years, I became close with two guys who only finished high school, and they have been one of the greatest surprises of my life. Sure, they don't know anything about psychology or philosophy, but they are the first ones there when I need help assembling furniture. We talk movies and music, and they are much more spontaneous than my female friends when it comes to activities like camping or hiking. In return, I help them with things I excel at, like drafting cover letters for jobs or prepping for interviews. I genuinely enjoy their company.

Speaking of breaking prejudices, I also formed a wonderful friendship with a woman who is retired. She shares a similar life story to mine, allowing her to understand me on a level that none of my other friends can reach. Every so often, we go out for dessert or a shopping trip.

As for being taken advantage of, there is no simple recipe. You will always encounter all kinds of people. The key is building self-confidence so you don't allow others to erode it, while practicing better judgment. It is possible. But the premise that everyone is bad or purely self-serving leads nowhere, and I refuse to believe it.

It’s really nice to see stuff like this

I’m in a similar boat, actually. Most of the people I hang out with are folks I met along the way, but we aren't necessarily tied together by one specific hobby. Maybe that’s why the group feels kind of "shaky"—if you can even call it a group. It’s more like I mostly hang out solo, maybe doing an occasional road trip or getting together at someone's house or outdoors when it's summer.

Sometimes it bugs me that we don't share 100% of the same interests. My strongest connections are actually with my two girlfriends; I share a lot more with one, and significantly less with the other.
And both of them are pretty codependent on their partners, which is really where the core of the problem lies.

I used to have male friends, but they all drifted away once they found girlfriends or realized nothing was ever going to happen between us. I’d honestly love to have at least one guy friend again—most of my acquaintances are just "friends of my girlfriends," if you catch my drift.

Paul Howard9 said:It isn't really an abstract concept; a person either is honest or they aren't. I simply can't stand dishonest people—I tend to see through them far too quickly, which, I suppose, ends up frustrating them as well.
Well, I've certainly moved twice a year. And I "observe"—or scan—their behavior and intentions precisely because I don't socialize just to fill the monotony; I do it to find people I can actually talk to comfortably, avoiding those repetitive house-work-kids topics. Hmm... casual socializing... well, where I am now, people don't really socialize all that much; it seems everyone is tucked away in their family lives, focusing exclusively on that. They aren't particularly interested in picnics or going for walks with acquaintances.

Dammit, moving twice a year is a hell of a lot. I can barely catch my breath in six months.😁.

I don't know, everyone has a different definition of what being "honest" even means. So for you, does that imply having pure intentions? Is it "honest" to just look someone in the eye and tell them, "Hey, I'm only hanging out with you because I need someone to fill my time"? Would you actually find that acceptable?

From what I've seen, people hang out casually everywhere... the thing is, it’s harder to make that happen depending on how you live your life (like, it’s totally different in a small town where everyone knows everyone versus an anonymous suburb, or if you work at City Hall versus a university). Nowadays, there are tons of apps, and then there are those Meetup groups where you can find people who share your interests and maybe spend an interesting day together without all that boring small talk. Who knows where that leads...

jadeowl2 said:Dammit, moving twice a year is a hell of a lot. I can barely catch my breath in six months.😁.

I don't know, everyone has a different definition of what being "honest" even means. So for you, does that imply having pure intentions? Is it "honest" to just look someone in the eye and tell them, "Hey, I'm only hanging out with you because I need someone to fill my time"? Would you actually find that acceptable?

From what I've seen, people hang out casually everywhere... the thing is, it’s harder to make that happen depending on how you live your life (like, it’s totally different in a small town where everyone knows everyone versus an anonymous suburb, or if you work at City Hall versus a university). Nowadays, there are tons of apps, and then there are those Meetup groups where you can find people who share your interests and maybe spend an interesting day together without all that boring small talk. Who knows where that leads...

Well, that’s exactly why I’ve been feeling pretty burnt out—moving around doesn't leave much room for anything else. And from how things look, I’ll probably be moving again in about a year.
Honesty vs. purity of intention. What you mentioned is technically honest, which I think is fair; I appreciate directness and respect it quite a bit. But "killing time" isn't really my motivation—though maybe it would be for someone else if they were just sitting around talking about coffee tastes back home... Unfortunately, Meetup isn't active where I live; it's such a small place that it's just not a thing here. To attend one, I’d have to drive three hours to a major city, which isn't a dealbreaker if I schedule other errands around it, but it's exhausting when I only have a day and a half to get everything done. So, the Meetup becomes less appealing. Still, I agree with you—you can run into some interesting people, especially among expats. I suspect my own rigidity, being overworked, the constant moving, and general fatigue are contributing to this issue. It’s nice to socialize in person. Sometimes it hits hard... tomorrow, back to the grind.🙂 The Easter lockdown definitely left me with some negative feelings.

Paul Howard9 said:I realize I skipped over your questions.
I'm looking for honesty in a friendship.
As I mentioned before, the era of being exploited ended when I started college.
The intolerance specifically refers to the example you gave—that sort of baseless conservatism.
Am I taking action? That's a fair question. As I noted, I don't really take active steps, other than carefully observing the people who approach me. If there's a chance for a genuine connection, I'm open to it, but most of the time it's difficult—my job keeps me constantly moving from place to place. But the people I get along with and can communicate with openly are very sincere and transparent; unfortunately, they are quite far away. It makes things hard. Especially with this Easter lockdown, I can't even visit them during my time off. We're talking about a distance of roughly 622 miles miles.

That is absolutely true; everything you listed is a compensatory mechanism, which is actually quite satisfying in its own way, provided the individual finds meaning in it.

Honestly, that’s the core of it right there. It means your "tribe" is out there and you know who they are, it's just that life has put them out of reach for now.

I don't know how old you are or what stage of life you're cruising through, but speaking from my own heart: I'm in the exact same boat with my people. Even though I'm constantly surrounded by folks on the outside, I still feel totally alone.

But lately, I’ve been trying to just embrace it. Like, okay, this is just one of those heavy truths about life, and it’s definitely not just me. Instead of fighting it, I’m learning to just sit with that sadness—let it come in, let it do its thing, and then let it pass. Anyway, catch ya later.

It’s such a bummer we don't have live chat rooms anymore, like back in the day with AOL and stuff. I really miss those real-time digital coffee breaks. That's usually how we find our people and swap those little "gifts" of connection.

Nancy Cook17 said:Honestly, that’s the core of it right there. It means your "tribe" is out there and you know who they are, it's just that life has put them out of reach for now.

I don't know how old you are or what stage of life you're cruising through, but speaking from my own heart: I'm in the exact same boat with my people. Even though I'm constantly surrounded by folks on the outside, I still feel totally alone.

But lately, I’ve been trying to just embrace it. Like, okay, this is just one of those heavy truths about life, and it’s definitely not just me. Instead of fighting it, I’m learning to just sit with that sadness—let it come in, let it do its thing, and then let it pass. Anyway, catch ya later.

It’s such a bummer we don't have live chat rooms anymore, like back in the day with AOL and stuff. I really miss those real-time digital coffee breaks. That's usually how we find our people and swap those little "gifts" of connection.

Totally. And honestly, it hits hardest when I'm off the clock. Work forces me to be social, which helps me forget these issues for a while, but once the whole performance is over and I get home... it’s tough.