Love as a fixed idea

Have you guys ever heard of someone being totally head over heels for someone they can't actually be with? Like, we're talking years of this. It’s almost like this unrequited crush turns into this whole fictional world they live in, where they kind of... I don't know, seem to actually enjoy the heartache? It’s honestly pretty hard to put into words.

I was just describing a person I know, and honestly, from where I'm sitting, it doesn't even matter if my friend's imaginary love is actually real or not. I just get this feeling that they've trapped themselves in this endless loop... just stuck in a permanent state of waiting for something that's never going to happen.

Sometimes I wonder if they basically invented this romance just to use it as some kind of psychological shield.

I mean, I went through something similar when I was 15, but now that I'm 30, seeing someone act like this feels a little bit weird to me.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Or maybe you've been in those shoes yourselves?

It’s definitely a real thing—I dealt with this exact situation about three years ago. You end up idealizing someone, probably just some subconscious defense mechanism to give yourself the illusion that you aren't alone, even when you have absolutely nothing going on with them. But yeah, if you're asking if it exists? It certainly does.

Yeah. I was the object of fixation.😢
Still am.😁

Yeah, I’ve definitely seen it happen to people around me, but I’ve never personally been in that headspace.

To me, it feels like a way to dodge real emotions and actual relationships. It’s way too easy to just pick someone we know is totally out of reach—it lets us obsess over them and creates this little illusion of feeling something deep, when really we're just masking a fear of getting close to anyone...

I don't buy that it's real love or anything sincere. At most, it's just ambition. The person becomes a trophy or a goal to hit, and once you finally "win" them, they just lose all interest.

Honestly? It's just immaturity.

northernbadger12 said:Have you guys ever heard of someone being totally head over heels for someone they can't actually be with? Like, we're talking years of this. It’s almost like this unrequited crush turns into this whole fictional world they live in, where they kind of... I don't know, seem to actually enjoy the heartache? It’s honestly pretty hard to put into words.

I was just describing a person I know, and honestly, from where I'm sitting, it doesn't even matter if my friend's imaginary love is actually real or not. I just get this feeling that they've trapped themselves in this endless loop... just stuck in a permanent state of waiting for something that's never going to happen.

Sometimes I wonder if they basically invented this romance just to use it as some kind of psychological shield.

I mean, I went through something similar when I was 15, but now that I'm 30, seeing someone act like this feels a little bit weird to me.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Or maybe you've been in those shoes yourselves?

Oh, I've heard it a hundred times.

Sure, it's stupid, and in a way, it's totally self-destructive, but people do it all the time.

When a relationship never actually happens—when there's no payoff—all those built-up emotions don't just "wilt" away. Instead, they get funneled into this cycle of idealization, constant daydreaming, and this whole "platonic love" thing (yeah, I know, sounds ridiculous in this day and age 🤷), fueled by this endless hope and waiting for the situation to somehow shift.

"Unavailable" people are strangely magnetic specifically because they aren't within reach. It’s that distance—that elusive, untouchable quality—that triggers it. It’s maddening! So the imagination takes over, and you start building them up in your head. They become perfect, amazing, flawless, simply because you haven't actually spent enough time with them to see the cracks or deal with their actual flaws—it's exactly that kind of mental trap.

And unfortunately, this can drag on for years: the idolizing, the heartache, the longing, and that desperate hope that things might change, because the feelings are so intense that the idea of never being together feels completely impossible to accept.

Look, guys, stop constantley feeding on nothing but negativity.

That kind of love is honestly just super-funky, at least in my experience.

It was either a lifetime ago or just yesterday—time gets blurry—but I fell head over heels for this girl after we exchanged, what, maybe two words? I never saw her again. And whether that crush lasted for a fleeting moment or a long stretch, yeah, sure, you can call it idealizing someone if you want, but it didn't leave me with any bitter feelings. Quite the opposite, actually; it felt incredibly funky. I’d be floating to work, floating home, and even while sitting at my desk, I just loved being alive in this world. No matter what bullshit was going on, the mere thought of her gave me this funky little surge of energy, this lightness. I was genuinely happier than usual. And get this: even though she vanished from my life forever, somehow... it still counts as a happy love.

And here's the kicker: I found courage. I’ve never been braver. I was basically acting like some knight errant serving a princess, even if she had no clue I existed. It sounds cheesy, I know, but you know how incredible—how truly funky—that feeling is?

In fact, I finally tackled some issues that had been haunting me for years; it took a massive amount of guts to face them. And then, eventually, I moved on.

I went through something similar back when I was about fifteen—though, looking back, I wouldn't call it love. It felt more like this intense longing for someone who seemed "brilliant" and "thrilling"—right up until the moment they turned out to be pretty mediocre, actually. It was the kind of thing you mostly need when the person in question is completely out of reach. As I got older and, well, as life provided more actual opportunities, that urge to idealize some distant figure just sort of faded away.

You see versions of this in adulthood too—though I probably wouldn't label it a fixation. To me, it seems more like a lingering crush that persists over time, dips, and then flares up again if the timing works out. I know people who have rekindled old platonic crushes once those people became "available" again—say, after a long-term relationship ended. But that isn't quite the same as a purely unavailable object—I'm honestly not sure what a truly, permanently unavailable object would even look like. And everyone I know who has carried on a long-term platonic crush hasn't been particularly irrational about it; they still held onto hope, sure, but they weren't just wasting their lives—they were actively dating and seeing other people. 😬 So, I find this whole story a bit confusing—it feels a little too much like fiction to me. It sounds like someone who simply lacks the capacity to move on, or cool off, or put things on standby, or perhaps shift their focus to someone else entirely. It doesn't feel very realistic to me, no-no.

velvetbear11 said:Look, guys, stop constantley feeding on nothing but negativity.

That kind of love is honestly just super-funky, at least in my experience.

It was either a lifetime ago or just yesterday—time gets blurry—but I fell head over heels for this girl after we exchanged, what, maybe two words? I never saw her again. And whether that crush lasted for a fleeting moment or a long stretch, yeah, sure, you can call it idealizing someone if you want, but it didn't leave me with any bitter feelings. Quite the opposite, actually; it felt incredibly funky. I’d be floating to work, floating home, and even while sitting at my desk, I just loved being alive in this world. No matter what bullshit was going on, the mere thought of her gave me this funky little surge of energy, this lightness. I was genuinely happier than usual. And get this: even though she vanished from my life forever, somehow... it still counts as a happy love.

And here's the kicker: I found courage. I’ve never been braver. I was basically acting like some knight errant serving a princess, even if she had no clue I existed. It sounds cheesy, I know, but you know how incredible—how truly funky—that feeling is?

In fact, I finally tackled some issues that had been haunting me for years; it took a massive amount of guts to face them. And then, eventually, I moved on.

🤣🤣😍

the super funky knight

So what have you guys actually done to love... why would it be some fixed obsession? Maybe that guy just loves her way more than he ever managed to say out loud.

What kind of "love" are we even talking about if you aren't idealizing your partner? Is it better to just spend your time insulting them? Or maybe just viewing them as some totally mediocre person? (unless they actually *are* mediocre 😬). What are you even falling for here? Do you even know? What’s the draw for you?

...like when, after twenty years, he looks at her and says, "hey gorgeous," and he actually means it. Does it even matter if it's "idealization" or whatever in that moment? It fills him up; it makes him feel light, happy, alive. And hey, maybe she really is "objectively" stunning. 🙂

Maybe the person in the original post is hurting for a completely different reason... and trust me, there are plenty of those. Maybe he just needs a specific part of her—something that actually moves him...

Love lives in poetry, it shows up in a touch, it's caught in a glance... man... it hurts... when you can't feel it somehow. Nobody complains about the quantity... because you can't measure it. 😉

Ah... love, man... that love... 😍

... oh, believe me, it’s out there... and in much more intense forms... some people just tap out early, others take their sweet time... and then there are those who never manage to face it at all...

Gerald Ward61 said:So what have you guys actually done to love... why would it be some fixed obsession? Maybe that guy just loves her way more than he ever managed to say out loud.

What kind of "love" are we even talking about if you aren't idealizing your partner? Is it better to just spend your time insulting them? Or maybe just viewing them as some totally mediocre person? (unless they actually *are* mediocre 😬). What are you even falling for here? Do you even know? What’s the draw for you?

...like when, after twenty years, he looks at her and says, "hey gorgeous," and he actually means it. Does it even matter if it's "idealization" or whatever in that moment? It fills him up; it makes him feel light, happy, alive. And hey, maybe she really is "objectively" stunning. 🙂

Maybe the person in the original post is hurting for a completely different reason... and trust me, there are plenty of those. Maybe he just needs a specific part of her—something that actually moves him...

Love lives in poetry, it shows up in a touch, it's caught in a glance... man... it hurts... when you can't feel it somehow. Nobody complains about the quantity... because you can't measure it. 😉

Ah... love, man... that love... 😍

...besides, wasn't it love itself that drove every knight toward his greatest feats?

"Love strips away all masks. Those who fear taking off their own masks are the ones who flee from love," as Jung says. And damn, he’s right!

Long live, long live, long live love!!!

Hahaha!

I don't know, I think I'm getting swept up in something here—maybe a sudden bout of romantic fever is hitting me again. Is it a full moon or something? I feel like I'm turning back into some funky, old-school knight! Argh!

velvetbear11 said:...besides, wasn't it love itself that drove every knight toward his greatest feats?

"Love strips away all masks. Those who fear taking off their own masks are the ones who flee from love," as Jung says. And damn, he’s right!

Long live, long live, long live love!!!

Hahaha!

I don't know, I think I'm getting swept up in something here—maybe a sudden bout of romantic fever is hitting me again. Is it a full moon or something? I feel like I'm turning back into some funky, old-school knight! Argh!

👍

Oh, yeah... we've got knights... but we've also got kingdoms. Places where princes and princesses rule the show 😍

...and even the knights knew how to become royalty eventually. 😉

Cheers to that! 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7Rqyp-LDCo&feature=fvw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8ODD...eature=related

Here's something for your late-night scrolling... 🙂

Hey, how’s it going, velvetbear11? 😂

Man, you really cracked me up with that funky, funky, funky bit. Honestly, why shouldn't we all just lean into it and ditch the old waltz for something with more soul... you know, some actual funk. 😉 Like you said, there’s a certain beauty in that rhythm. 😍

A little inspiration, a little wind in your sails. Why the hell not!

Gerald Ward61 said:So what have you guys actually done to love... why would it be some fixed obsession? Maybe that guy just loves her way more than he ever managed to say out loud.

What kind of "love" are we even talking about if you aren't idealizing your partner? Is it better to just spend your time insulting them? Or maybe just viewing them as some totally mediocre person? (unless they actually *are* mediocre 😬). What are you even falling for here? Do you even know? What’s the draw for you?

...like when, after twenty years, he looks at her and says, "hey gorgeous," and he actually means it. Does it even matter if it's "idealization" or whatever in that moment? It fills him up; it makes him feel light, happy, alive. And hey, maybe she really is "objectively" stunning. 🙂

Maybe the person in the original post is hurting for a completely different reason... and trust me, there are plenty of those. Maybe he just needs a specific part of her—something that actually moves him...

Love lives in poetry, it shows up in a touch, it's caught in a glance... man... it hurts... when you can't feel it somehow. Nobody complains about the quantity... because you can't measure it. 😉

Ah... love, man... that love... 😍

Ugh... here we go, another starry-eyed dreamer...
Just picture this: some guy finally hits his jackpot, starts living the dream with the woman he worships, but then—after three years when that initial hormone rush inevitably dies down—he spends the next few years convincing himself he’s been wronged. He ends up posting on some infidelity forum because he decided she "isn't the same person" he met back in the day.
The kicker? She was never that person to begin with.
But hey, that's "love" for ya.😍

I was totally crushing on the same guy back when we were still stuck wearing those mandatory school slippers through most of high school. We actually made out halfway through the year. It wasn't some weird obsession or anything, he was just easily the most interesting person around.

Hannah White2 said:Ugh... here we go, another starry-eyed dreamer...
Just picture this: some guy finally hits his jackpot, starts living the dream with the woman he worships, but then—after three years when that initial hormone rush inevitably dies down—he spends the next few years convincing himself he’s been wronged. He ends up posting on some infidelity forum because he decided she "isn't the same person" he met back in the day.
The kicker? She was never that person to begin with.
But hey, that's "love" for ya.😍

Yeah... but those aren't the *real* dreamers. Real dreamers don't wake up, because they're dreaming while they're wide awake. 😉 And there's the irony in that, too. 🙂

Get this... the ones who are awake. 😍 Uh... yeah... wow...

electricraven11 said:I was totally crushing on the same guy back when we were still stuck wearing those mandatory school slippers through most of high school. We actually made out halfway through the year. It wasn't some weird obsession or anything, he was just easily the most interesting person around.

A-ha! 😍

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh1Em...eature=related
Ugh... 😍 honestly, I feel like walking straight into a wall right about now.

Hannah White2 said:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh1Em...eature=related
Ugh... 😍 honestly, I feel like walking straight into a wall right about now.

And you too... I mean, I guess we'll eventually find some decent photo. 🙂 Besides, you really gotta know what exactly you're falling for. 😍 We aren't talking about some "fantasy princess" types or those stuck-up socialites who give you a literal heart attack. 😉 Oops, there I go again... getting all dark. A heart attack is reserved for the lucky ones. 😍

Man, just look at how this thread kicked off. We started out in some dark, heavy corner of the internet—talking about mental health struggles, total soul-crushing darkness, self-harm, defense mechanisms, all that misery and weeping... and then, boom, look where we landed!

I mean, isn't love just one hell of a ride?

Just drop the act, take off those masks, and let's dance, because I...

...am heading straight to bed to chase some funky dreams. 😉

Bokić! 😍