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Love & Psychology

Started by Keith Hayes · · 👁 5 views · 21 replies

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Participants Keith HayesChris Cooper5Carl Anderson76feralhound55briskridge76Olivia Rivera77Rebecca Scott3Jacob Long
Keith Hayes Keith Hayes NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Dec 2008
#1 ·
Hey everyone! First off, I’d really appreciate it if the mods could let this thread stay right here—I truly feel like this is where it belongs.

So, my boyfriend and I were together for about two and a half years before we finally called it quits over what feels like a pretty silly reason in hindsight. We spent three months completely apart, though there was a brief two-month window where we were still talking and seeing each other, just trying to cool things down and ease the tension.

In the end, I was actually the one who suggested we try again, which was something he was also pushing hard for during those first two months. But then, everything shifted in the third month; he ended up getting involved with this other girl. He claims it wasn't anything serious—just a kiss, or so he says—but he was clearly trying to start something with her, even if he insists he wasn't "that" interested.

We eventually sat down and agreed to try and put all of this behind us, even though, honestly, it really hurt me deeply, regardless of the fact that we weren't technically "together" at the time.
The thing is, we’re both feeling incredibly insecure right now. There’s this looming fear of whether we can actually make this work, whatever that looks like. For me, I’m terrified that we’re just going to exhaust ourselves by forcing something that simply isn't meant to be revived.

He’s worried that he’ll be constantly judged for everything he did while we were broken up, and he seems genuinely unsure about his own feelings for me. Meanwhile, I’m a total wreck—I'm losing weight, my mental health is taking a massive hit, and I find myself crying all the time.

I would love to hear what you all think. Is there any hope for us? Or are we just convincing ourselves that we're fixing a major crisis when, in reality, the problem might not even exist?

How can I find some peace, and how can he calm down? I just don't understand how this indecisiveness happened with him, especially since he used to love me from the bottom of his heart.

Please, if anyone has any advice, I really need it because I can't keep living like this. I can't keep pouring my heart into something that feels futile, even though he did say at the very end that he would try harder.

I’m just so lost... I am completely out of sorts. 😢
Thanks so much for any help you can give.
Chris Cooper5 Chris Cooper5 Active Member
66 messages
joined Dec 2008
#2 ·
Look, if you actually care about him, just fight for that love. That’s really all I’ve got to say.
Keith Hayes Keith Hayes NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Dec 2008
#3 ·
Chris Cooper5 said:Look, if you actually care about him, just fight for that love. That’s really all I’ve got to say.

I really do love him, but I am just so terrified of what this is doing to my mental health. We are finally back together and things feel stable for him, but I’m still stuck in this dark place—I’m crying over the smallest things, I can barely eat anything, and sleep has become such a struggle for me lately...

Thank you so much for such an optimistic perspective.🙂
Carl Anderson76 Carl Anderson76 Member
46 messages
joined Dec 2008
#4 ·
So, what actually keeps you two together? I mean, what's THAT thing that holds the whole relationship together? What kind of qualities are we talking about here? Like, what specific traits of his are you actually drawn to?
Keith Hayes Keith Hayes NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Dec 2008
#5 ·
Carl Anderson76 said:So, what actually keeps you two together? I mean, what's THAT thing that holds the whole relationship together? What kind of qualities are we talking about here? Like, what specific traits of his are you actually drawn to?

Honestly, I just love him! He’s incredibly attentive, and looking back over our two and a half years together, we've honestly never had any major blowouts or huge arguments. He truly cares about the little things that matter to me, and being by his side has just been such a wonderful experience.
feralhound55 feralhound55 Active Member
63 messages
joined Aug 2008
#6 ·
If you aren't comfortable trying to revive a relationship, then don't—simple as that. If you don't actually believe it’ll work, don't bother either. Please be a bit more specific, Carl Anderson76—not for my sake, but for yours. If you just miss the feeling of being with him, ask yourself if that's really enough of a reason to try resurrecting something that's already dead... Breakups rarely happen for "stupid" reasons. Well, the actual trigger is usually trivial—just the last straw in a long line of issues—but the underlying cause isn't. It seems like he's trying to move on, and honestly, he's probably just as confused as you are. Don't worry, things will settle where they should; just don't force yourself or the relationship if it feels like an uphill battle.

And one more thing to take off your plate: I don't think anyone has ever actually died from a broken heart or a messy breakup. You'll survive this.
Chris Cooper5 Chris Cooper5 Active Member
66 messages
joined Dec 2008
#7 ·
Keith Hayes said:I really do love him, but I am just so terrified of what this is doing to my mental health. We are finally back together and things feel stable for him, but I’m still stuck in this dark place—I’m crying over the smallest things, I can barely eat anything, and sleep has become such a struggle for me lately...

Thank you so much for such an optimistic perspective.🙂

Don't sweat the mental health stuff too much. You aren't going to lose your mind... I mean, unless you've already got some heavy genetic predispositions baked in, I guess. But otherwise, you should be fine.
I’m kind of in the same boat, actually. You should probably check out my thread over on Lonely Hearts if you want. I think it’s just one of those things where you hit a bit of a crisis and suddenly nothing feels certain anymore—not even the relationship. It’s been happening to me too. Honestly, being together has felt pretty draining lately, mostly because of all the dumb mistakes I make and the stuff he does, too. He seems pretty sure about us, but I’m just not quite there yet. Though, I guess I realized that all those great moments we share actually matter way more than these stupid little crises, so I decided we should just keep going. We haven't even really fought, per se, but things aren't exactly perfect either. I always feel like the couples who seem to have zero issues at all... I don't know, maybe they aren't even truly in love? If your guy is there for you and you still love him, I don't see much reason to call it quits.
Keith Hayes Keith Hayes NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Dec 2008
#8 ·
Honestly, being at this "starting line" doesn't feel exhausting so much as it feels terrifying—I’ve been living with this constant, gnawing anxiety for seven days straight, ever since we made the decision to give this another shot.

It is so incredibly hard to watch him try to move forward; I can't shake this heavy feeling that he's somehow pushed me out of his heart. 😢

I'm also terrified that he might just be forcing himself to stay for my sake, which is the absolute last thing I want.
I am completely lost on what to do, how to act, or even what I should be thinking about right now. Everything is just such a blur because this is my very first serious relationship, and my first real brush with heartbreak. I'm scared.
Keith Hayes Keith Hayes NewcomerOP
6 messages
joined Dec 2008
#9 ·
feralhound55 said:If you aren't comfortable trying to revive a relationship, then don't—simple as that. If you don't actually believe it’ll work, don't bother either. Please be a bit more specific, Carl Anderson76—not for my sake, but for yours. If you just miss the feeling of being with him, ask yourself if that's really enough of a reason to try resurrecting something that's already dead... Breakups rarely happen for "stupid" reasons. Well, the actual trigger is usually trivial—just the last straw in a long line of issues—but the underlying cause isn't. It seems like he's trying to move on, and honestly, he's probably just as confused as you are. Don't worry, things will settle where they should; just don't force yourself or the relationship if it feels like an uphill battle.

And one more thing to take off your plate: I don't think anyone has ever actually died from a broken heart or a messy breakup. You'll survive this.

I'm really not sure how I could be any more specific than that; I've laid it all out as clearly as I can.
Carl Anderson76 Carl Anderson76 Member
46 messages
joined Dec 2008
#10 ·
Keith Hayes said:Honestly, I just love him! He’s incredibly attentive, and looking back over our two and a half years together, we've honestly never had any major blowouts or huge arguments. He truly cares about the little things that matter to me, and being by his side has just been such a wonderful experience.

I think feralhound55 is onto something—you really need to sit down and dig into this for yourself if you can, unless there’s more to the story. Because if this is the whole picture, it’s tough to see how a relationship survives on just this. Not trying to push my opinion on anyone, though.
Love and affection are amazing and super important, don't get me wrong, but they can't be the *only* foundation for a long-term thing. When you say you haven't had big disagreements, what does that actually mean? Are you guys genuinely that compatible personality-wise? Or are you just so in love that you're sweeping those fundamental differences under the rug, hoping they'll just vanish on their own?
In my experience, having some bigger disagreements can actually be a good thing. Being honest is vital, and when two people are truly honest, clashes in opinions, values, and personalities are bound to happen. That doesn't have to mean a breakup (was that what you were worried about?), though. Sometimes, those moments actually help you understand each other better and make the bond deeper. You just have to learn how to fight fair. And I don't mean screaming matches or throwing plates at each other—I mean having a heavy, meaningful discussion. What's your take on that?
Besides the love, his attentiveness, and him caring about your stuff, what else was it about being with him that you liked?
I'm asking all this not because I think what you have isn't valid, but because since you asked, I want to make sure this makes sense for your own mental health.
I won't go too deep into my own life, but I’ve definitely been in a dark place before, too. Every relationship hits a wall eventually. Don't look at it like a catastrophe; try seeing it as a crossroads where the relationship either gets stronger or finally breaks because the foundation was shaky to begin with. Honestly, it's better if it cracks now than ten years down the road. I always try to find a silver lining in these situations...
At the end of the day, both you and him will walk away from this with more experience, whether you stay together or not.
If it does end (and look, I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not telling you to give up, but do everything you can), just sit him down and tell him that from here on out, you both have to be brutally honest, otherwise, you're just going to shut down emotionally. If you do break up, give yourself grace. Don't force yourself to "get over it" instantly; it happens in its own time. Try to focus on the little things in your daily routine to keep your mind busy. You need something to pull your focus back to yourself. Don't just stay in bed crying all day. You can feel the feelings, but don't ignore the core issue. Don't let it drag on; most things can be worked through with a few mature, direct, and honest conversations. If you don't, you're just dragging out the pain for both of you.
Good luck!🙂
briskridge76 briskridge76 Newcomer
1 message
joined Dec 2008
#11 ·
Look, if you actually love him and want this to work, then fight for it. But if he’s sitting there unsure about his feelings or what he even thinks of you? Just walk away. Save yourself the headache. There's no point in chasing something that isn't there. And honestly, if he used to love you and then just... stopped? That wasn't real love to begin with. It was just a phase. You two need to figure out how to find some peace, just between yourselves, without all this noise.
Chris Cooper5 Chris Cooper5 Active Member
66 messages
joined Dec 2008
#12 ·
Carl Anderson76 said:I think feralhound55 is onto something—you really need to sit down and dig into this for yourself if you can, unless there’s more to the story. Because if this is the whole picture, it’s tough to see how a relationship survives on just this. Not trying to push my opinion on anyone, though.
Love and affection are amazing and super important, don't get me wrong, but they can't be the *only* foundation for a long-term thing. When you say you haven't had big disagreements, what does that actually mean? Are you guys genuinely that compatible personality-wise? Or are you just so in love that you're sweeping those fundamental differences under the rug, hoping they'll just vanish on their own?
In my experience, having some bigger disagreements can actually be a good thing. Being honest is vital, and when two people are truly honest, clashes in opinions, values, and personalities are bound to happen. That doesn't have to mean a breakup (was that what you were worried about?), though. Sometimes, those moments actually help you understand each other better and make the bond deeper. You just have to learn how to fight fair. And I don't mean screaming matches or throwing plates at each other—I mean having a heavy, meaningful discussion. What's your take on that?
Besides the love, his attentiveness, and him caring about your stuff, what else was it about being with him that you liked?
I'm asking all this not because I think what you have isn't valid, but because since you asked, I want to make sure this makes sense for your own mental health.
I won't go too deep into my own life, but I’ve definitely been in a dark place before, too. Every relationship hits a wall eventually. Don't look at it like a catastrophe; try seeing it as a crossroads where the relationship either gets stronger or finally breaks because the foundation was shaky to begin with. Honestly, it's better if it cracks now than ten years down the road. I always try to find a silver lining in these situations...
At the end of the day, both you and him will walk away from this with more experience, whether you stay together or not.
If it does end (and look, I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not telling you to give up, but do everything you can), just sit him down and tell him that from here on out, you both have to be brutally honest, otherwise, you're just going to shut down emotionally. If you do break up, give yourself grace. Don't force yourself to "get over it" instantly; it happens in its own time. Try to focus on the little things in your daily routine to keep your mind busy. You need something to pull your focus back to yourself. Don't just stay in bed crying all day. You can feel the feelings, but don't ignore the core issue. Don't let it drag on; most things can be worked through with a few mature, direct, and honest conversations. If you don't, you're just dragging out the pain for both of you.
Good luck!🙂

I mean, I guess I'm just wondering what actually makes a relationship solid, other than the love and attention part.😕 Like, what else is there...
Chris Cooper5 Chris Cooper5 Active Member
66 messages
joined Dec 2008
#13 ·
Carl Anderson76 said:I don't know about you, but besides all the love and attention, I think you really need character compatibility, maybe a few shared interests—not necessarily all of them—and, most importantly, SOLID COMMUNICATION....

Character compatibility? Does that mean having similar personalities, or even identical ones? I guess that's actually the curse in my own relationship... We have the exact same interests, our communication is great, everything seems to be there... and yet, we're still falling apart. It makes me think those things might not matter as much as people say...
Carl Anderson76 Carl Anderson76 Member
46 messages
joined Dec 2008
#14 ·
Nah, listen, character compatibility doesn't mean you have to be carbon copies of one another. It’s really about how those differences and similarities actually mesh together. Think of it like this: if I’m a total conservative and you’re more of a liberal, I might actually get along better with you than I would with some other liberal, whereas a bunch of other conservatives might just drive me nuts... you know what I mean? Sometimes there's way too much of the same energy, sometimes the vibes are totally mismatched, and sometimes it’s just not quite right either way. We're all basically just hunting for that "sweet spot" where everything feels balanced. In your case, it seems like having way too much of the same energy ended up causing everything to fall apart... does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is
Chris Cooper5 Chris Cooper5 Active Member
66 messages
joined Dec 2008
#15 ·
Carl Anderson76 said:Nah, listen, character compatibility doesn't mean you have to be carbon copies of one another. It’s really about how those differences and similarities actually mesh together. Think of it like this: if I’m a total conservative and you’re more of a liberal, I might actually get along better with you than I would with some other liberal, whereas a bunch of other conservatives might just drive me nuts... you know what I mean? Sometimes there's way too much of the same energy, sometimes the vibes are totally mismatched, and sometimes it’s just not quite right either way. We're all basically just hunting for that "sweet spot" where everything feels balanced. In your case, it seems like having way too much of the same energy ended up causing everything to fall apart... does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is

And he's throwing that back in my face—that we're both prone to being depressed—but then he turns around and asks what I'd even do with someone who's actually happy. Man, everything is just so complicated...
Carl Anderson76 Carl Anderson76 Member
46 messages
joined Dec 2008
#16 ·
Man, everything just feels so complicated...

That’s true... but I wonder, besides all that heavy sadness holding you down, are there any bright spots or encouraging moments keeping you afloat too?🙂
I honestly think it’s tough to find someone who really gets your headspace and how you feel unless they’ve walked in those same shoes themselves. But at the end of the day, what matters is that you lift each other up instead of dragging one another down. It’s a beautiful thing when two people, both feeling like they’re fighting losing battles with barely any resources, finally join forces and turn it into one big, shared fight where they actually have enough strength to win.🙂
Olivia Rivera77 Olivia Rivera77 Active Member
77 messages
joined Nov 2008
#17 ·
Look, if it didn't work out the first time, it’s probably not going to happen if you keep doing the exact same thing. You've gotta wipe the tears away, shake it off, and just grit your teeth and move forward. I get it—it sucks, and it’s heavy, but honestly? That’s just how life works. It doesn't care about your feelings. 🤷
Carl Anderson76 Carl Anderson76 Member
46 messages
joined Dec 2008
#18 ·
That’s exactly how it should be🙂👍
Rebecca Scott3 Rebecca Scott3 Active Member
154 messages
joined Jan 2009
#19 ·
That first big breakup after a long-term relationship? It absolutely guts you. You genuinely start thinking he’s the only one out there for you... that you’ll never feel that kind of love again... that the heartbreak might actually kill you.
But honestly? Things tend to turn around much faster than you'd expect, and life gets better than it ever was before.
Think about it this way: you're older now, and you've got more life under your belt. You know how to vet people better, and you aren't afraid to set actual boundaries.
Pretty soon, you’ll find your rhythm again, and you'll actually start to appreciate having your own space and that sense of freedom.
I'm assuming you're still pretty young, too... so just soak up that youth. Let yourself spread your wings and really take off.
Don't go suffocating your soul by clinging to something that just holds you back and makes you feel insecure.
And let's be real—he’s probably young, too. He might be looking for a change of pace, even if he still feels tied to you out of a sense of duty.
Just take some time to sit with your thoughts, weigh everything, and then make your move.
Jacob Long Jacob Long Active Member
88 messages
joined Oct 2007
#20 ·
So, what actually caused the split?
What kind of drama pushed you guys apart—and is that stuff finally in the rearview, or is it still hanging between you?
Honestly, I think getting everything out in the open might help move past all these current feelings...

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