Neither here nor there?!

So, I figured I’d come here looking for some comfort. Even if I end up getting judged by some people, I’m honestly okay with taking that risk. 🙂 Ugh, I’m not entirely sure if this is the right sub, but given everything going on, it felt like the best fit. Basically, I had an abortion yesterday and now, to put it lightly, I'm feeling pretty wiped out. There just aren't many people in my life I can actually talk to about this...

Let's talk. Just vent, spill your guts, whatever... how are you actually doing? You on any meds or anything? I'm all ears...

Athena, would you perhaps like to hop on a call with a specialist to talk through how you're feeling? There are numbers available you can reach out to, free of charge and completely anonymous...

I’m a little lost right now—still figuring out how everything works here, so I didn't jump in to reply immediately.
Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I'm pretty confused, and it's a long story... The main thing is, I really didn't want to end up doing what I did, but hey, there's always some silly excuse, right? Now I'm just sitting here moping about it...

Please feel free to let out everything that’s weighing on your mind. You are completely anonymous here, and you'll find that people are more than eager to lend a hand—especially the women, who tend to have a much deeper intuition for these kinds of things.

Nope, I’m not on any meds. Honestly, I’ve been pushing back on that idea. I’m going to try and score an appointment with a specialist tomorrow, though I’m feeling a little pessimistic about it. Right before I made my decision, I chatted with one of those experts and she tried her best to convince me that it was all just super simple!

When I was eighteen, I actually thought I was pregnant because my period was forty-five days late. I must have said a billion prayers just hoping against hope that I wasn't, and I spent at least an hour every single day inside that little church in Wallachia near Queens 🙂 🙏
I don't think I'll ever stop wondering if it was a miscarriage or if my cycle was just acting up because of some hormonal imbalance or irregular ovaries...
It seems like we were both weighing the same options back then; I guess I just stayed stuck in the thinking phase, whereas you had the misfortune of having to actually go through with it.

But why did you decide to do it?

I was honestly over the moon when I found out I was pregnant, and then just like that, everything came crashing down. I’m in a pretty complicated spot right now—I’ll explain more later—but it makes me wonder if we're all just monsters. I don't even know at what point I let things slip, but I was so terrified of making a mess of my entire life, and now here I am. Deep down, I really want to believe that time heals all wounds, but right now? It just hurts. :'(

I don't think you'll spend your whole life feeling regretful about this...
My mother went through a few abortions, both during her marriage and otherwise, and she has never once regretted the decision itself—she just regrets how unpleasant and physically taxing the entire experience was for her body.
I guess I feel more heartache for those children than she does.
The reason I shared that is just to point out that everything really comes down to a matter of perception.

I mean, I hope not. They offered me the same thing because they heard stories about women back in the day going through ten miscarriages and losing all five, but honestly? That just isn't me. :/ Plus, things are pretty rough right now and I'm basically on my own. The people I’d actually turn to live too far away, and I really don't want to burden anyone else—some are out of state, others have enough on their plates already. As for the procedure itself, it’s a little "easier" here, if you can call it that, mostly because the mental toll was just brutal for me. Basically, you take a pill, and a few hours later, everything starts happening. You're at the hospital under supervision, and the nurses and doctors are wonderful—really kind people—but once it actually happens and you have to see it... well, yeah.

Once, during a heated moment when she was truly losing her cool with me, my mother let something slip that she probably felt she needed to get off her chest just to find some peace. She actually said, "I should have aborted you too.>>" I brought it up to her several times later on, trying to make a point, but I didn't realize until much later how deeply those words actually wounded her, and now I carry a bit of regret for that. The bottom line is that she chose not to go through with it, for me or for my younger sister.

As I’ve mentioned before, even as a man, I struggle to fully grasp the depth of a mother's biological bond—though I am profoundly grateful that she chose life for us. You will have children of your own when the timing is right, and looking back, perhaps your decision stemmed from the fact that you simply weren't ready for motherhood at that stage of your life. It is an incredibly heavy choice to make. I feel a little out of place in this conversation, but I figured I would share my perspective; if it helps anyone, then it was worth sharing.

Honestly, it’s probably better that you're on your own. Just imagine being married to someone like that, or staying in a relationship... you’d basically be an accomplice to the crime, wouldn't you, 🤷?
Personally, my convictions lead me to believe that abortion is murder, but I suppose there are certain circumstances where someone might look the other way for various reasons—mostly just to live with themselves. But people like this, these serial killers who are just like my parents... I don't know, I just can't stomach it..
It seems like their emotions regarding the termination of a fetus were about as deep as slaughtering a chicken..
My mother used to talk to me about it so many times, and she describes it with such coldness and routine that I honestly don't know whether to love her or feel disgusted by her. Usually, it feels like both..

Look, nobody's irrelevant here. Just as a side note, I've already got two kids, and looking at them now, I can't help but imagine a third. Honestly, I can still feel that longing... When everyone eventually moves out, they’ll be the ones staying by my side. On my toughest days, just looking at them makes everything feel brighter and easier. I catch myself thinking about how much laughter one more little soul would bring to my home, but hey... I'm not
exactly young enough to use that as an excuse 🙂 though maybe I just overthink things too much. Plus, life hasn't exactly been handing me many wins lately. :/

Brian Hayes43 said:Once, during a heated moment when she was truly losing her cool with me, my mother let something slip that she probably felt she needed to get off her chest just to find some peace. She actually said, "I should have aborted you too.>>" I brought it up to her several times later on, trying to make a point, but I didn't realize until much later how deeply those words actually wounded her, and now I carry a bit of regret for that. The bottom line is that she chose not to go through with it, for me or for my younger sister.

As I’ve mentioned before, even as a man, I struggle to fully grasp the depth of a mother's biological bond—though I am profoundly grateful that she chose life for us. You will have children of your own when the timing is right, and looking back, perhaps your decision stemmed from the fact that you simply weren't ready for motherhood at that stage of your life. It is an incredibly heavy choice to make. I feel a little out of place in this conversation, but I figured I would share my perspective; if it helps anyone, then it was worth sharing.

She’s said things like that to me quite a few times, but honestly, I mostly just view her as a fool, so I don't even bother worrying about her feelings or what she thinks.
If she had even an ounce of sense or empathy, she would never say something like that to her child, especially at an age where you aren't equipped to handle that kind of weight.

Brian Hayes43 said:Once, during a heated moment when she was truly losing her cool with me, my mother let something slip that she probably felt she needed to get off her chest just to find some peace. She actually said, "I should have aborted you too.>>" I brought it up to her several times later on, trying to make a point, but I didn't realize until much later how deeply those words actually wounded her, and now I carry a bit of regret for that. The bottom line is that she chose not to go through with it, for me or for my younger sister.

As I’ve mentioned before, even as a man, I struggle to fully grasp the depth of a mother's biological bond—though I am profoundly grateful that she chose life for us. You will have children of your own when the timing is right, and looking back, perhaps your decision stemmed from the fact that you simply weren't ready for motherhood at that stage of your life. It is an incredibly heavy choice to make. I feel a little out of place in this conversation, but I figured I would share my perspective; if it helps anyone, then it was worth sharing.

I suppose not, though maybe we aren't talking about the same thing.

nimblenomad8 said:Look, nobody's irrelevant here. Just as a side note, I've already got two kids, and looking at them now, I can't help but imagine a third. Honestly, I can still feel that longing... When everyone eventually moves out, they’ll be the ones staying by my side. On my toughest days, just looking at them makes everything feel brighter and easier. I catch myself thinking about how much laughter one more little soul would bring to my home, but hey... I'm not
exactly young enough to use that as an excuse 🙂 though maybe I just overthink things too much. Plus, life hasn't exactly been handing me many wins lately. :/

I think you're struggling because you see children through your heart, rather than seeing them as just extra mouths to feed or some sort of mistake—sorry if that sounds blunt—from a choice you regret making.

Back when I was younger, the biggest paradox was that I avoided intimacy entirely because I was terrified of getting pregnant. Looking back on it all now, I realize I was being pretty foolish...
I stayed away from sex out of pure irrational fear, and now that I actually could, I just don't feel the desire anymore.

I actually grew up in a huge metropolis and lived through all those "perks," so I’m pretty open-minded about everything—I don't have an issue with abortion rights, the LGBTQ+ community, and all that. But, looking at my own life? If you asked me on a Friday night, I’d swear up and down I’d never go through with it myself... Honestly, these situations are just bizarre and deeply human, but when I think back to the very beginning... I can't help but wonder what kind of mistake sent me into this world in the first place!

I have this theory that somewhere up there, we actually get to choose our parents—and maybe someone asks us if we’re truly ready to handle everything that comes with them.
I suppose we aren't given any burdens greater than what we can eventually carry.

I can't say for sure why you chose to give up your child, if you don't feel like sharing, but I do know that kids feel much worse when they're in a place where they aren't genuinely wanted rather than just not being there at all.

I remember reading once that unwanted children might later develop schizoid personality disorder.
But then again, there's a massive difference between parents who just don't really connect with their child (even while pretending to love them) and the situation where they can't even fathom having one, yet they go through the motions of caring.
In my opinion, that second scenario is definitely much more devastating for the child.

Honestly, I feel like we’re all stressing way too much about whether we actually exist or not, because there’s probably some higher power or some cosmic force pulling the strings on our lives anyway. It’s like there’s this massive, built-in system of natural selection just regulating our whole stay here on Earth.
We have zero clue where we started or where we’re headed, so we’re basically just stuck guessing, theorizing, and building these elaborate illusions to keep ourselves sane.

That’s where all these messy moral dilemmas start popping up, leaving us with a mountain of questions and absolutely no easy ways out.
All we can really do is pray that every single thing that hits us—every twist of fate and even every stupid mistake we think we've made—actually serves some kind of deeper purpose or reason. 🙂

For sure, but I can tell you one thing—I would never turn away a child like that. I got married super young, just 20. Honestly, I don't even know why! My parents were all for it, basically saying, "Hey, if college isn't working out, just get married." So, being a bit impulsive, I dropped everything and said, "Fine, let's do this, I want my own family." I moved halfway across the country and dove headfirst into being a housewife—cooking, cleaning, laundry, the whole nine yards. Then, after two years of marriage, I found out he was cheating. In some old-fashioned circles, people act like it’s just "how men are"—that they need to stray a bit before coming home—but mine really took to it and wouldn't stop. That went on for four more years until my little girl got sick and ended up in the ICU. I spent a month straight by her side in the hospital while my mom stepped in to help with my older kid so my husband could keep working. Once we finally got home and things settled, I did a little digging online to see what he'd been up to while I was preoccupied, and yep, he was still seeing the same person. Eventually, I just snapped. I knew exactly how everyone would react, so I didn't say a word to my family at first. I knew they'd make a huge scene and try to explain my divorce to the entire neighborhood like it was the end of the world. But I was exhausted, and I had to protect my mental health just to be a good mom. (Side note: he actually abused me for six years, too.) Anyway, the divorce was a nightmare, and his exit was just as messy, though I kept the kids. I stayed single, raised them through school, and life moved on. Two years later, I met an old friend—a single guy I'd known forever through his mom. We started dating casually, no big expectations or heavy promises. But after six months, he tells me he's just not ready to be with a woman who has kids and that he's not looking to marry overnight. I was like, "Okay, fine." But when you want something and someone says no, there's nothing you can do. Then, out of nowhere, he starts begging his godmother to convince me to give up my child. His mom lost it, her blood pressure spiked, and suddenly everyone is throwing stones at me. And so, here I am.