Seeking forgiveness

Jason Booth25 said:Forgiveness is incredibly difficult—at least, that’s been my experience. There is absolutely no logic in holding onto resentment or letting anger consume you, yet we do it anyway, ultimately only hurting ourselves. We cling to our fury because we feel entitled to it; we tell ourselves that if we let go of this rage, we’ll lose our sense of identity. It becomes part of who we are. We view this anger as a form of justice, as if letting go would somehow mean we're condoning what happened to us. But that's just an illusion. In reality, we're just self-destructing under the weight of our own perceived "right" to be angry. Of course, you have every right to feel angry, and you need to allow yourself that space to process it initially. But if you don't eventually let it go, that anger curdles into hatred and starts to eat you alive from the inside. If we find ourselves unable to forgive someone who caused us harm, perhaps the better path is to accept what happened, forgive ourselves for not being able to handle the situation any differently, and finally leave the past where it belongs. It is a heavy, complicated process.

Jason Booth25 said:Forgiveness is incredibly difficult—at least, that’s been my experience. There is absolutely no logic in holding onto resentment or letting anger consume you, yet we do it anyway, ultimately only hurting ourselves. We cling to our fury because we feel entitled to it; we tell ourselves that if we let go of this rage, we’ll lose our sense of identity. It becomes part of who we are. We view this anger as a form of justice, as if letting go would somehow mean we're condoning what happened to us. But that's just an illusion. In reality, we're just self-destructing under the weight of our own perceived "right" to be angry. Of course, you have every right to feel angry, and you need to allow yourself that space to process it initially. But if you don't eventually let it go, that anger curdles into hatred and starts to eat you alive from the inside. If we find ourselves unable to forgive someone who caused us harm, perhaps the better path is to accept what happened, forgive ourselves for not being able to handle the situation any differently, and finally leave the past where it belongs. It is a heavy, complicated process.

Paul Morales3 said:I'm with you on all counts. Reaching that point of peace is damn near impossible when you're still stuck in the thick of regret, grief, and pure, unadulterated fury. Once you actually face those feelings head-on, that's when the gears start turning and you can finally move past that standstill.🙂

I forgot to mention one thing earlier. I think there's real value in making sure the person who crossed the line knows exactly what they did.
Tell them how much it sucked and lay out everything that matters to you. It won't change the facts of what happened, but it might provide some relief for your own sake.
And who knows? Maybe it'll actually hit them that they acted like a jerk and they'll feel some genuine remorse. Not that we need them begging for forgiveness—we don't owe them anything—but it's about them finally seeing themselves clearly for who they really were.

fadedbear92 said:I actually worked through that exact issue via psychotherapy—it was a long road, and honestly, pretty painful at times.

Paul Morales3 said:I'm with you on all counts. Reaching that point of peace is damn near impossible when you're still stuck in the thick of regret, grief, and pure, unadulterated fury. Once you actually face those feelings head-on, that's when the gears start turning and you can finally move past that standstill.🙂

I forgot to mention one thing earlier. I think there's real value in making sure the person who crossed the line knows exactly what they did.
Tell them how much it sucked and lay out everything that matters to you. It won't change the facts of what happened, but it might provide some relief for your own sake.
And who knows? Maybe it'll actually hit them that they acted like a jerk and they'll feel some genuine remorse. Not that we need them begging for forgiveness—we don't owe them anything—but it's about them finally seeing themselves clearly for who they really were.

jadehawk9 said:Forgiveness isn't actually about them—it’s about you. It's about protecting your own peace of mind. Honestly, why waste any more energy worrying about what that other person thinks or does? You just forgive, let it go, and suddenly life feels a whole lot lighter..

Donna Phillips said:There is someone in my own life who has caused me so much harm that I truly cannot forgive them. And no, I can't say what I'm thinking directly to their face. I simply know they wouldn't grasp why their lifelong behavior was so damaging. But even though I have never offered forgiveness, I have managed to rid myself of the rage, the fury, and the sorrow; or perhaps, maybe there is still a bit of it left within me. 🙄

Paul Morales3 said:How do you actually forgive someone after they've hurt you?

I’m talking about the heavy stuff here, not just petty grievances.
We all carry some kind of deep-seated resentment—whether it's toward a spouse, a parent, a friend, or ultimately, ourselves. So, let's keep this discussion broad.

I’ll lay out a few steps that I find helpful, and then you guys can jump in with your own thoughts or corrections.

1) You have to purge the physical sensation of it—the pain, the grief, the rage. Cry, scream, break a plate if you have to... just get it out.

2) Try to internalize the fact that it wasn't your fault, and perhaps realize that you should actually feel some pity for them because of how they chose to act toward you.

3) Once you accept that, you pull yourself out of the depression, learn the lesson from the experience, promise yourself you won't let it happen again, and try to see the silver lining... theoretically, forgiveness and moving on should follow. But that’s where the real struggle starts.

Because how can you ever truly know if you’ve forgiven someone when, deep down, you’re still holding onto that grudge?

How do you live with that weight?

Personally, I tend to hold onto the idea that everything in life eventually comes back around. In that sense, I don't really go looking for revenge.😁

If you want any kind of spiritual peace, forgiving others and yourself is one of the most vital steps you can take. So, for that reason, let's hear it...

Paul Morales3 said:How do you actually forgive someone after they've hurt you?

I’m talking about the heavy stuff here, not just petty grievances.
We all carry some kind of deep-seated resentment—whether it's toward a spouse, a parent, a friend, or ultimately, ourselves. So, let's keep this discussion broad.

I’ll lay out a few steps that I find helpful, and then you guys can jump in with your own thoughts or corrections.

1) You have to purge the physical sensation of it—the pain, the grief, the rage. Cry, scream, break a plate if you have to... just get it out.

2) Try to internalize the fact that it wasn't your fault, and perhaps realize that you should actually feel some pity for them because of how they chose to act toward you.

3) Once you accept that, you pull yourself out of the depression, learn the lesson from the experience, promise yourself you won't let it happen again, and try to see the silver lining... theoretically, forgiveness and moving on should follow. But that’s where the real struggle starts.

Because how can you ever truly know if you’ve forgiven someone when, deep down, you’re still holding onto that grudge?

How do you live with that weight?

Personally, I tend to hold onto the idea that everything in life eventually comes back around. In that sense, I don't really go looking for revenge.😁

If you want any kind of spiritual peace, forgiving others and yourself is one of the most vital steps you can take. So, for that reason, let's hear it...

Jason Booth25 said:Forgiveness is incredibly difficult—at least, that’s been my experience. There is absolutely no logic in holding onto resentment or letting anger consume you, yet we do it anyway, ultimately only hurting ourselves. We cling to our fury because we feel entitled to it; we tell ourselves that if we let go of this rage, we’ll lose our sense of identity. It becomes part of who we are. We view this anger as a form of justice, as if letting go would somehow mean we're condoning what happened to us. But that's just an illusion. In reality, we're just self-destructing under the weight of our own perceived "right" to be angry. Of course, you have every right to feel angry, and you need to allow yourself that space to process it initially. But if you don't eventually let it go, that anger curdles into hatred and starts to eat you alive from the inside. If we find ourselves unable to forgive someone who caused us harm, perhaps the better path is to accept what happened, forgive ourselves for not being able to handle the situation any differently, and finally leave the past where it belongs. It is a heavy, complicated process.

If we can't forgive the person who hurt us, we should at least accept what happened and forgive ourselves for not handling the situation better so we can let the past go.

Paul Morales3 said:I'm with you on all counts. Reaching that point of peace is damn near impossible when you're still stuck in the thick of regret, grief, and pure, unadulterated fury. Once you actually face those feelings head-on, that's when the gears start turning and you can finally move past that standstill.🙂

I forgot to mention one thing earlier. I think there's real value in making sure the person who crossed the line knows exactly what they did.
Tell them how much it sucked and lay out everything that matters to you. It won't change the facts of what happened, but it might provide some relief for your own sake.
And who knows? Maybe it'll actually hit them that they acted like a jerk and they'll feel some genuine remorse. Not that we need them begging for forgiveness—we don't owe them anything—but it's about them finally seeing themselves clearly for who they really were.

Tell her how we felt and everything else that matters to us. It isn't going to change the reality of the situation, but it’ll make things easier for us.

feralhound55 said:Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to stay in that relationship and let them keep hurting you—whatever the situation is. It doesn't matter if they actually understand what they did; all that matters is getting that weight off your own back. Sure, some residue probably remains... but if you've truly moved past the negative emotions, then you've forgiven them. Even if you don't call it that. Maybe "letting go" is a better way to put it. As long as you're okay, that's what counts.

And one more thing... there's a massive difference between forgiving and tolerating what happened. For certain things, it isn't right to excuse the person and act like nothing happened—but you still need to forgive them just to find your own peace.

If you feel total peace when you think about them or run into them—if remembering what you supposedly "forgave" doesn't shake you at all—then you've done it. If it still leaves a bitter taste, you've got more work to do. You'll know when you can view it like a patch of weeds on a sidewalk: you see it's there, but it doesn't affect you.

Not to mention that sense of relief when it finally happens... it's like a 50-pound weight being lifted off your shoulders, or a gray curtain finally pulling back.

Forgiveness is a vital stepping stone for any kind of personal growth.

There’s one more thing to consider... there is a massive difference between... Forgiveness and tolerance. Look, there are some things you just can't overlook. You shouldn't be expected to just pardon someone and act like nothing ever happened, but honestly, you have to forgive them just to get some peace of mind.

If you can think about them and feel nothing but total peace, or if seeing them face-to-face doesn't trigger any old drama, then you’ve actually forgiven them. If that memory of what you let go of doesn't even nudge your heart anymore, then yeah, it's done.

Sandra Parker3;25207861 said:

Why even bother blaming yourself just so you can forgive yourself later?
I think there are times when we feel genuine resentment, but more often than not, it isn't actually about how other people treated us.

Sometimes, people take the weight of what others have done to them and carry it as personal guilt, at least until they finally process those experiences and emotions. Take a child who was mistreated or belittled by their parents, for example; subconsciously, that child grows up believing they are the problem, rather than recognizing the fault lies with the parents. This is especially common during childhood, right up until the moment they gain enough perspective to realize who was actually in the wrong.
That said, everyone processes life differently, and obviously, the context of the situation matters immensely...

Jason Booth25 said:...Sometimes people end up blaming themselves for how others treated them, carrying that weight deep down until they finally process what actually happened. Take a kid whose parents were abusive or constantly belittling—subconsciously, they grow up thinking they're the problem instead of realizing their parents were. This happens all the time with kids, right up until they gain enough awareness to see who was actually in the wrong.
But then again, everyone processes things differently, and it really depends on the specific situation...

Zachary Mendoza2 said:Spiritual peace isn't granted for free; it comes from the realization that you did what was necessary.

Regarding my own view on forgiveness, someone who has committed a serious offense must:

1. Acknowledge their mistake.
2. Offer a sincere apology for the harm caused.
3. Make restitution to those affected.
4. Provide an assurance that it won't happen again.

Steps 3 and 4 aren't always feasible, but steps 1 and 2 are within reach. Once a person fulfills these—doing everything they possibly can—they may receive genuine forgiveness. Otherwise, forgiveness is merely amnesty, which is just giving someone permission to repeat their wrongdoing.

As for the original poster, I don't quite follow the logic regarding forgiving oneself when someone else has wronged us. 🤷

As for the OP, I don't get the whole concept of forgiving ourselves when someone else has wronged us. 🤷

Sandra Parker3 said:Yeah, but I wasn't talking about those kinds of situations
I actually think in the scenario you're describing, "forgiveness" isn't even the right word. A child doesn't need to forgive themselves; they just need to assign accountability to the right people.

But I guess it all comes down to how you define the words...

I agree that 3 and 4 often aren't possible, especially that guarantee part, and personally, an apology (step 2) doesn't mean much to me... 🤔 so out of your list, only step 1 matters to me, provided there's a real explanation behind it—you know, the "why" and "how."

As for the OP, I don't get the whole concept of forgiving ourselves when someone else has wronged us. 🤷

Nor do I 🤷