Sick or not?

Hey everyone.
I’m dealing with this massive weight right now and honestly, I’m just lost.
I’m 19, and for the most part, life isn't even that bad, except for one thing:
I’ve always felt like I’m on a different wavelength than people my age. I’m super sensitive to everything—like, really pick up on criticism, people being mean, or when things just feel unfair... But lately, it feels like more than just being sensitive.

-Sleep is a total nightmare. It wasn't always like this, but for the last three months, I literally CANNOT fall asleep. Usually, I just grab a few pills (doesn't matter which kind) because I've convinced myself they'll knock me out. I don't know why I'm so fixated on them, but I'm constantly popping them.
-The headaches are brutal. I went to a neurologist, but they can't figure out what's wrong. I've done every test under the sun and everything comes back perfectly fine.
-I’m just constantly, deeply sad. FOR NO REASON! Sometimes there’s some stupid little trigger, and since I’m the type of person who gets crushed if things aren't perfect, it just spirals. But even when everything is going great, I still feel incredibly low.
-Sometimes, out of nowhere, I just "snap"—I get super irritable and do stuff that catches both me and everyone else off guard.
-There are days where I’m happy, but then I go overboard and become insanely hyperactive. Usually, my friends aren't really down for my weird bursts of energy, so I end up crashing back into being unrealistically depressed.
-I have friends, but our connection isn't like what you see in movies or what most people have. And that's on me, not them. They're great for hanging out, but I can NEVER actually trust them with anything. Even if I try to open up, I just end up feeling foolish and exposed.

I used to think all this was just how I was, until I had to admit to myself that these aren't the only struggles I'm facing.

-I have these self-destructive tendencies. When I "snap" or get that irritability I mentioned, I end up hitting my head, pulling at myself, or cutting. I can't stop it. In those moments of pure rage or sadness, I do it without even thinking, and the scary part is... I actually FEEL relief from it.
-I feel like I could just end it all if any tiny obstacle gets in my way. I just don't know the right way to do it. I don't have access to the right pills, and mixing whatever else I find doesn't work on me anymore. I'm basically immune. I don't know... when I watch a movie and a character is in a bad spot, I just think, "I'd kill myself if I were them." Often, when I look ahead at the rest of my life, I feel like I'm just not strong enough to handle it and that I'll find a way out before I get there.
I feel like I don't really matter to anyone anyway. I'm just a burden.
-And lately, I've been hearing "voices." Look, I'm not crazy, and they aren't saying anything profound. It's more like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. Like yesterday, I was at a coffee shop with a friend and her boyfriend. We were all talking, and suddenly, I heard and saw a SUBWAY TRAIN and people stepping off it—right there in the middle of the cafe! I know it didn't happen, I know it's not real, but I don't know why I keep seeing these disconnected things. It's like waking sleep.

And here's the kicker: I only realize for about five minutes at a time that this isn't normal... that not everyone feels this way. The rest of the time, I'm totally convinced that it's okay—that it's normal to not want to live, to not be able to sleep, to cry for nothing... So I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling or ask for advice. Honestly, writing this whole post probably feels pointless now.
Is this an actual illness, or am I just being normal??

Typical... You just don't want to admit you're struggling. But you ARE! You know... It isn't healthy to keep hurting yourself and just sitting there feeling miserable for no reason, not to mention this whole obsession with pills...

...if I were just taking pills like that without any guidance...the way you're doing it....I’d be feeling pretty terrible and seeing things too......
....you should really go see a doctor and tell them what's happening.....they'll have a much better idea of what's actually going on than the crowd of people on this forum......
...I'm definitely no expert here....I'm just thinking out loud...

But honestly, looking at how many people out there actually go out of their way to hurt themselves... it kind of makes you realize it’s not even totally insane.

Michelle Vaughn18 said:Hey everyone.
I’m dealing with this massive weight right now and honestly, I’m just lost.
I’m 19, and for the most part, life isn't even that bad, except for one thing:
I’ve always felt like I’m on a different wavelength than people my age. I’m super sensitive to everything—like, really pick up on criticism, people being mean, or when things just feel unfair... But lately, it feels like more than just being sensitive.

-Sleep is a total nightmare. It wasn't always like this, but for the last three months, I literally CANNOT fall asleep. Usually, I just grab a few pills (doesn't matter which kind) because I've convinced myself they'll knock me out. I don't know why I'm so fixated on them, but I'm constantly popping them.
-The headaches are brutal. I went to a neurologist, but they can't figure out what's wrong. I've done every test under the sun and everything comes back perfectly fine.
-I’m just constantly, deeply sad. FOR NO REASON! Sometimes there’s some stupid little trigger, and since I’m the type of person who gets crushed if things aren't perfect, it just spirals. But even when everything is going great, I still feel incredibly low.
-Sometimes, out of nowhere, I just "snap"—I get super irritable and do stuff that catches both me and everyone else off guard.
-There are days where I’m happy, but then I go overboard and become insanely hyperactive. Usually, my friends aren't really down for my weird bursts of energy, so I end up crashing back into being unrealistically depressed.
-I have friends, but our connection isn't like what you see in movies or what most people have. And that's on me, not them. They're great for hanging out, but I can NEVER actually trust them with anything. Even if I try to open up, I just end up feeling foolish and exposed.

I used to think all this was just how I was, until I had to admit to myself that these aren't the only struggles I'm facing.

-I have these self-destructive tendencies. When I "snap" or get that irritability I mentioned, I end up hitting my head, pulling at myself, or cutting. I can't stop it. In those moments of pure rage or sadness, I do it without even thinking, and the scary part is... I actually FEEL relief from it.
-I feel like I could just end it all if any tiny obstacle gets in my way. I just don't know the right way to do it. I don't have access to the right pills, and mixing whatever else I find doesn't work on me anymore. I'm basically immune. I don't know... when I watch a movie and a character is in a bad spot, I just think, "I'd kill myself if I were them." Often, when I look ahead at the rest of my life, I feel like I'm just not strong enough to handle it and that I'll find a way out before I get there.
I feel like I don't really matter to anyone anyway. I'm just a burden.
-And lately, I've been hearing "voices." Look, I'm not crazy, and they aren't saying anything profound. It's more like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. Like yesterday, I was at a coffee shop with a friend and her boyfriend. We were all talking, and suddenly, I heard and saw a SUBWAY TRAIN and people stepping off it—right there in the middle of the cafe! I know it didn't happen, I know it's not real, but I don't know why I keep seeing these disconnected things. It's like waking sleep.

And here's the kicker: I only realize for about five minutes at a time that this isn't normal... that not everyone feels this way. The rest of the time, I'm totally convinced that it's okay—that it's normal to not want to live, to not be able to sleep, to cry for nothing... So I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling or ask for advice. Honestly, writing this whole post probably feels pointless now.
Is this an actual illness, or am I just being normal??

Then why bother writing the post if... it "already" makes no sense? 😁 Why do you think we have any sense at all, if you don't? Hmm..? 🙂>

Just one question right off the bat: what specific pills are you taking? And why? Okay, insomnia—what else is going on?

Anyway, if you really don't have problems (though looking at your actions, either you don't, or you have so many you've suppressed them entirely and are claiming you're fine), then that's on you. There is no definition of "(un)normal" here. Just like a person needs pleasure, they need pain. That's why you're acting out. You want to feel alive. You want to stimulate your senses. You're venting anger.

As for the sadness—and the lack of will to live—I’d call that aimlessness. No goal, no challenge. It's also possible someone cares about you too much; maybe overprotective parents. Or there's another version: you have a goal but have no clue how to reach it. Or you tried and failed, and now you're burnt out. Third option: you're broke.

Are you in college? Have you tried applying if you aren't?

You've shut down emotionally. That explains the self-sabotage. Maybe you're just incredibly lazy. Which leads to being self-destructive. Because of all those deep thoughts, you start seeing things. Those thoughts keep you awake. They drain your willpower, making you feel like you're just a burden to everyone. (Actually, you probably just feel like you were born into the wrong world, a place where you don't belong. But hey—try to find some beauty in the differences, alright? It's not all garbage.)

And how much time do you spend on the computer daily? Crucial question. Is that where you're building your own little world?

Anything else?

DG: Perfectly normal, just lost in something that happens to be common in today's world. Maybe we'll figure out what 😛 (For headaches... no idea. Maybe we'll find out after some more answers)

PS: About that whole justice thing... Marina, all the great moralists hated living in this unfair, modern mess. We're in the same boat. But you aren't alone, you know. 🙂>

Michelle Vaughn18 said:But honestly, looking at how many people out there actually go out of their way to hurt themselves... it kind of makes you realize it’s not even totally insane.

No, regardless of how often it happens, it's still not normal.

Michelle Vaughn18 said:Hey everyone.
I’m dealing with this massive weight right now and honestly, I’m just lost.
I’m 19, and for the most part, life isn't even that bad, except for one thing:
I’ve always felt like I’m on a different wavelength than people my age. I’m super sensitive to everything—like, really pick up on criticism, people being mean, or when things just feel unfair... But lately, it feels like more than just being sensitive.

-Sleep is a total nightmare. It wasn't always like this, but for the last three months, I literally CANNOT fall asleep. Usually, I just grab a few pills (doesn't matter which kind) because I've convinced myself they'll knock me out. I don't know why I'm so fixated on them, but I'm constantly popping them.
-The headaches are brutal. I went to a neurologist, but they can't figure out what's wrong. I've done every test under the sun and everything comes back perfectly fine.
-I’m just constantly, deeply sad. FOR NO REASON! Sometimes there’s some stupid little trigger, and since I’m the type of person who gets crushed if things aren't perfect, it just spirals. But even when everything is going great, I still feel incredibly low.
-Sometimes, out of nowhere, I just "snap"—I get super irritable and do stuff that catches both me and everyone else off guard.
-There are days where I’m happy, but then I go overboard and become insanely hyperactive. Usually, my friends aren't really down for my weird bursts of energy, so I end up crashing back into being unrealistically depressed.
-I have friends, but our connection isn't like what you see in movies or what most people have. And that's on me, not them. They're great for hanging out, but I can NEVER actually trust them with anything. Even if I try to open up, I just end up feeling foolish and exposed.

I used to think all this was just how I was, until I had to admit to myself that these aren't the only struggles I'm facing.

-I have these self-destructive tendencies. When I "snap" or get that irritability I mentioned, I end up hitting my head, pulling at myself, or cutting. I can't stop it. In those moments of pure rage or sadness, I do it without even thinking, and the scary part is... I actually FEEL relief from it.
-I feel like I could just end it all if any tiny obstacle gets in my way. I just don't know the right way to do it. I don't have access to the right pills, and mixing whatever else I find doesn't work on me anymore. I'm basically immune. I don't know... when I watch a movie and a character is in a bad spot, I just think, "I'd kill myself if I were them." Often, when I look ahead at the rest of my life, I feel like I'm just not strong enough to handle it and that I'll find a way out before I get there.
I feel like I don't really matter to anyone anyway. I'm just a burden.
-And lately, I've been hearing "voices." Look, I'm not crazy, and they aren't saying anything profound. It's more like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. Like yesterday, I was at a coffee shop with a friend and her boyfriend. We were all talking, and suddenly, I heard and saw a SUBWAY TRAIN and people stepping off it—right there in the middle of the cafe! I know it didn't happen, I know it's not real, but I don't know why I keep seeing these disconnected things. It's like waking sleep.

And here's the kicker: I only realize for about five minutes at a time that this isn't normal... that not everyone feels this way. The rest of the time, I'm totally convinced that it's okay—that it's normal to not want to live, to not be able to sleep, to cry for nothing... So I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling or ask for advice. Honestly, writing this whole post probably feels pointless now.
Is this an actual illness, or am I just being normal??

I think the only person who can give you a real answer is a professional. So please, go see a psychiatrist—a good one, obviously...
And do it ASAP. The sooner you sort through this confusion and start moving your life toward a concrete goal, the sooner that self-destructive streak might fade.
Basically, you're gonna need some professional help.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Then why bother writing the post if... it "already" makes no sense? 😁 Why do you think we have any sense at all, if you don't? Hmm..? 🙂>

Just one question right off the bat: what specific pills are you taking? And why? Okay, insomnia—what else is going on?

Anyway, if you really don't have problems (though looking at your actions, either you don't, or you have so many you've suppressed them entirely and are claiming you're fine), then that's on you. There is no definition of "(un)normal" here. Just like a person needs pleasure, they need pain. That's why you're acting out. You want to feel alive. You want to stimulate your senses. You're venting anger.

As for the sadness—and the lack of will to live—I’d call that aimlessness. No goal, no challenge. It's also possible someone cares about you too much; maybe overprotective parents. Or there's another version: you have a goal but have no clue how to reach it. Or you tried and failed, and now you're burnt out. Third option: you're broke.

Are you in college? Have you tried applying if you aren't?

You've shut down emotionally. That explains the self-sabotage. Maybe you're just incredibly lazy. Which leads to being self-destructive. Because of all those deep thoughts, you start seeing things. Those thoughts keep you awake. They drain your willpower, making you feel like you're just a burden to everyone. (Actually, you probably just feel like you were born into the wrong world, a place where you don't belong. But hey—try to find some beauty in the differences, alright? It's not all garbage.)

And how much time do you spend on the computer daily? Crucial question. Is that where you're building your own little world?

Anything else?

DG: Perfectly normal, just lost in something that happens to be common in today's world. Maybe we'll figure out what 😛 (For headaches... no idea. Maybe we'll find out after some more answers)

PS: About that whole justice thing... Marina, all the great moralists hated living in this unfair, modern mess. We're in the same boat. But you aren't alone, you know. 🙂>

I started writing this when I was in that headspace where I was realizing that none of this was really, you know, normal. By the end of the post, I was pretty convinced the whole thing was pointless, but since I’d already typed it out... what did I have to lose? I mean, I don't really know what to do anymore anyway.

The pill stuff is super hard to explain. On one hand, I know meds are supposed to do something... like dull the pain and stuff, and I just want them to dull whatever it is happening to me. I don't even know what "it" is myself. On the other hand, I want to see what they actually do. Like I said, I've thought about suicide a lot, but I don't have the right meds on hand, and honestly, I'm not EVEN sure I want to go through with it. Just playing around with different combos and amounts... trying to get a feel for them and how strong they are, how they work... But since I don't feel ANY effect, I'm just taking more and more. I take all sorts of things, just wildly DIFFERENT stuff—whatever I find lying around the house, from Advil to antibiotics (when I was sick, instead of taking them to get better, I'd just hoard them so I could swallow them all at once). The ones that look most tempting are the ones with those strict warnings and limits (like how many you can safely take), so I just take more than that.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Then why bother writing the post if... it "already" makes no sense? 😁 Why do you think we have any sense at all, if you don't? Hmm..? 🙂>

Just one question right off the bat: what specific pills are you taking? And why? Okay, insomnia—what else is going on?

Anyway, if you really don't have problems (though looking at your actions, either you don't, or you have so many you've suppressed them entirely and are claiming you're fine), then that's on you. There is no definition of "(un)normal" here. Just like a person needs pleasure, they need pain. That's why you're acting out. You want to feel alive. You want to stimulate your senses. You're venting anger.

As for the sadness—and the lack of will to live—I’d call that aimlessness. No goal, no challenge. It's also possible someone cares about you too much; maybe overprotective parents. Or there's another version: you have a goal but have no clue how to reach it. Or you tried and failed, and now you're burnt out. Third option: you're broke.

Are you in college? Have you tried applying if you aren't?

You've shut down emotionally. That explains the self-sabotage. Maybe you're just incredibly lazy. Which leads to being self-destructive. Because of all those deep thoughts, you start seeing things. Those thoughts keep you awake. They drain your willpower, making you feel like you're just a burden to everyone. (Actually, you probably just feel like you were born into the wrong world, a place where you don't belong. But hey—try to find some beauty in the differences, alright? It's not all garbage.)

And how much time do you spend on the computer daily? Crucial question. Is that where you're building your own little world?

Anything else?

DG: Perfectly normal, just lost in something that happens to be common in today's world. Maybe we'll figure out what 😛 (For headaches... no idea. Maybe we'll find out after some more answers)

PS: About that whole justice thing... Marina, all the great moralists hated living in this unfair, modern mess. We're in the same boat. But you aren't alone, you know. 🙂>

I don't have problems, I'm positive about that! Why? Because I've had them before. And I know what actual problems look like.
It's actually because I *don't* have problems that I feel so miserable; it makes me feel even worse. I used to think all my stupid behavior would stop once my problems vanished, but that's not how it works.
The picking thing... also really hard to put into words. Everything is hard to explain because I don't even understand it myself. Suddenly I'll just "snap" and do something dumb like picking at my skin or self-harming... or the pill thing. After I do it, I feel better.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Then why bother writing the post if... it "already" makes no sense? 😁 Why do you think we have any sense at all, if you don't? Hmm..? 🙂>

Just one question right off the bat: what specific pills are you taking? And why? Okay, insomnia—what else is going on?

Anyway, if you really don't have problems (though looking at your actions, either you don't, or you have so many you've suppressed them entirely and are claiming you're fine), then that's on you. There is no definition of "(un)normal" here. Just like a person needs pleasure, they need pain. That's why you're acting out. You want to feel alive. You want to stimulate your senses. You're venting anger.

As for the sadness—and the lack of will to live—I’d call that aimlessness. No goal, no challenge. It's also possible someone cares about you too much; maybe overprotective parents. Or there's another version: you have a goal but have no clue how to reach it. Or you tried and failed, and now you're burnt out. Third option: you're broke.

Are you in college? Have you tried applying if you aren't?

You've shut down emotionally. That explains the self-sabotage. Maybe you're just incredibly lazy. Which leads to being self-destructive. Because of all those deep thoughts, you start seeing things. Those thoughts keep you awake. They drain your willpower, making you feel like you're just a burden to everyone. (Actually, you probably just feel like you were born into the wrong world, a place where you don't belong. But hey—try to find some beauty in the differences, alright? It's not all garbage.)

And how much time do you spend on the computer daily? Crucial question. Is that where you're building your own little world?

Anything else?

DG: Perfectly normal, just lost in something that happens to be common in today's world. Maybe we'll figure out what 😛 (For headaches... no idea. Maybe we'll find out after some more answers)

PS: About that whole justice thing... Marina, all the great moralists hated living in this unfair, modern mess. We're in the same boat. But you aren't alone, you know. 🙂>

I actually do have goals and I am enrolled in college. But lately, those goals just feel... pointless. I mean, we're all gonna die anyway, right? So who cares if I check stuff off a list or not? And honestly, even the college thing is such a struggle. It was supposed to be this "fresh start," but I'm 99% sure I'm gonna blow it. I just don't have the strength left, and everything I used to care about is losing its meaning.
And I wouldn't call myself lazy. I've proven that to myself. I worked really hard to get into school, and I did it.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Then why bother writing the post if... it "already" makes no sense? 😁 Why do you think we have any sense at all, if you don't? Hmm..? 🙂>

Just one question right off the bat: what specific pills are you taking? And why? Okay, insomnia—what else is going on?

Anyway, if you really don't have problems (though looking at your actions, either you don't, or you have so many you've suppressed them entirely and are claiming you're fine), then that's on you. There is no definition of "(un)normal" here. Just like a person needs pleasure, they need pain. That's why you're acting out. You want to feel alive. You want to stimulate your senses. You're venting anger.

As for the sadness—and the lack of will to live—I’d call that aimlessness. No goal, no challenge. It's also possible someone cares about you too much; maybe overprotective parents. Or there's another version: you have a goal but have no clue how to reach it. Or you tried and failed, and now you're burnt out. Third option: you're broke.

Are you in college? Have you tried applying if you aren't?

You've shut down emotionally. That explains the self-sabotage. Maybe you're just incredibly lazy. Which leads to being self-destructive. Because of all those deep thoughts, you start seeing things. Those thoughts keep you awake. They drain your willpower, making you feel like you're just a burden to everyone. (Actually, you probably just feel like you were born into the wrong world, a place where you don't belong. But hey—try to find some beauty in the differences, alright? It's not all garbage.)

And how much time do you spend on the computer daily? Crucial question. Is that where you're building your own little world?

Anything else?

DG: Perfectly normal, just lost in something that happens to be common in today's world. Maybe we'll figure out what 😛 (For headaches... no idea. Maybe we'll find out after some more answers)

PS: About that whole justice thing... Marina, all the great moralists hated living in this unfair, modern mess. We're in the same boat. But you aren't alone, you know. 🙂>

I used to be at my computer all the time. But I wouldn't say I was building a whole different world there; it was more just a way to pass the time. I don't spend nearly as much time on it now. Honestly, I barely do anything anymore. I just lie around. I've lost interest in everything.

David Jackson22 said:I think the only person who can give you a real answer is a professional. So please, go see a psychiatrist—a good one, obviously...
And do it ASAP. The sooner you sort through this confusion and start moving your life toward a concrete goal, the sooner that self-destructive streak might fade.
Basically, you're gonna need some professional help.

But that’s the whole catch, isn't it? I just can't do the therapist thing. I don't even know if it's actually necessary. I've gone back and forth on it so many times, and every time I finally make up my mind to try, I suddenly "realize" there's just no reason to go. If I went to my regular doctor to get a referral, they'd probably ask me why I'm even there, and I'd just end up stuttering, "I don't know, I don't think I need this."
And if I actually sat down in front of a psychologist? I wouldn't even know where to start. They'd probably just look at me and be like, "Honey, what are you doing here? You should probably just head home."
I don't trust therapists. It feels like they just won't get me.
I had to see one back in elementary school for a bit, and let me tell you, I did NOT like it. Not even a little bit.

Michelle Vaughn18 said:I started writing this when I was in that headspace where I was realizing that none of this was really, you know, normal. By the end of the post, I was pretty convinced the whole thing was pointless, but since I’d already typed it out... what did I have to lose? I mean, I don't really know what to do anymore anyway.

The pill stuff is super hard to explain. On one hand, I know meds are supposed to do something... like dull the pain and stuff, and I just want them to dull whatever it is happening to me. I don't even know what "it" is myself. On the other hand, I want to see what they actually do. Like I said, I've thought about suicide a lot, but I don't have the right meds on hand, and honestly, I'm not EVEN sure I want to go through with it. Just playing around with different combos and amounts... trying to get a feel for them and how strong they are, how they work... But since I don't feel ANY effect, I'm just taking more and more. I take all sorts of things, just wildly DIFFERENT stuff—whatever I find lying around the house, from Advil to antibiotics (when I was sick, instead of taking them to get better, I'd just hoard them so I could swallow them all at once). The ones that look most tempting are the ones with those strict warnings and limits (like how many you can safely take), so I just take more than that.

I don't have problems, I'm positive about that! Why? Because I've had them before. And I know what actual problems look like.
It's actually because I *don't* have problems that I feel so miserable; it makes me feel even worse. I used to think all my stupid behavior would stop once my problems vanished, but that's not how it works.
The picking thing... also really hard to put into words. Everything is hard to explain because I don't even understand it myself. Suddenly I'll just "snap" and do something dumb like picking at my skin or self-harming... or the pill thing. After I do it, I feel better.

I actually do have goals and I am enrolled in college. But lately, those goals just feel... pointless. I mean, we're all gonna die anyway, right? So who cares if I check stuff off a list or not? And honestly, even the college thing is such a struggle. It was supposed to be this "fresh start," but I'm 99% sure I'm gonna blow it. I just don't have the strength left, and everything I used to care about is losing its meaning.
And I wouldn't call myself lazy. I've proven that to myself. I worked really hard to get into school, and I did it.

I used to be at my computer all the time. But I wouldn't say I was building a whole different world there; it was more just a way to pass the time. I don't spend nearly as much time on it now. Honestly, I barely do anything anymore. I just lie around. I've lost interest in everything.

Maybe start by cutting out those pills. Honestly, they probably just make you feel sluggish and miserable instead of actually helping. Don't do it.

And seriously, there’s really no reason to be spiraling the way you described. This anxiety will pass, and you'll be back to your normal self soon enough. I get that it feels heavy right now and everything seems pointless, but you'll get through it. Try to look at it that way. You really don't need to stay stuck in this funk.

Btw, have you thought about seeing a doctor to help manage the nerves? Maybe print this thread out and hand it to them if you can. That'd probably be your best bet.

ps: There's really no reason to be this down, so try not to be. It comes and goes. But definitely go see your doctor; they're the ones who can actually help with whatever you're dealing with. You aren't going to find the answer here. Want to? Then hurry up. The sooner, the better.

Michelle Vaughn18 said:But that’s the whole catch, isn't it? I just can't do the therapist thing. I don't even know if it's actually necessary. I've gone back and forth on it so many times, and every time I finally make up my mind to try, I suddenly "realize" there's just no reason to go. If I went to my regular doctor to get a referral, they'd probably ask me why I'm even there, and I'd just end up stuttering, "I don't know, I don't think I need this."
And if I actually sat down in front of a psychologist? I wouldn't even know where to start. They'd probably just look at me and be like, "Honey, what are you doing here? You should probably just head home."
I don't trust therapists. It feels like they just won't get me.
I had to see one back in elementary school for a bit, and let me tell you, I did NOT like it. Not even a little bit.

🙂

Yeah, Michelle Vaughn18, but you really need to try this. It's important. Just print out this whole thread and take it to your doctor. If you don't have a printer, hit up a friend or something to do it for you.

When you see the doctor, hand it to the nurse along with your insurance card and call it a day. And seriously, hurry up.

They couldn't help you before because, let's face it, you probably couldn't open up in that moment. But stop overthinking whether you need it or not. You just have to go. It matters.

Then you'll start tackling everything that's bothering you and you'll be fine.

**
ps: Don't sweat the psychologists too much. Their job is just to figure out what's wrong, which they can't do if you don't talk. But your doctor will point you toward the right resources where you won't need a therapist first. They'll get you the treatment you need. Just show up. It's important.

I honestly don't think a therapist is going to be the magic fix here. Based on everything you've described, it sounds like you're just dealing with extreme hypersensitivity. You have to own that about yourself. Instead of letting that intense observational power drain you through endless overthinking, try flipping the script and using it for something positive. Just trust your gut and try to stay optimistic—it’s really the only way forward. You shouldn't jump to the conclusion that every strange thing you encounter is something negative; there's a very good chance it's actually the exact opposite. 😉

urbancrane3 said:I honestly don't think a therapist is going to be the magic fix here. Based on everything you've described, it sounds like you're just dealing with extreme hypersensitivity. You have to own that about yourself. Instead of letting that intense observational power drain you through endless overthinking, try flipping the script and using it for something positive. Just trust your gut and try to stay optimistic—it’s really the only way forward. You shouldn't jump to the conclusion that every strange thing you encounter is something negative; there's a very good chance it's actually the exact opposite. 😉

urbancrane3, wow. You put that so beautifully. Seriously. 🙂 Honestly, 🙂

By the way, my point was also that teenagers are usually pretty isolated when it comes to their sensitivity with psychologists. That part holds up. But in this case, she really needs to see a medical doctor and a therapist—not just a psychologist—to manage this hypersensitivity before it spirals into something negative.

Besides, we can't truly grasp how deep she's feeling things through a screen.
Marina, just take that step. Every single day matters. We're right here with you. 😉

Michelle Vaughn18 said:I started writing this when I was in that headspace where I was realizing that none of this was really, you know, normal. By the end of the post, I was pretty convinced the whole thing was pointless, but since I’d already typed it out... what did I have to lose? I mean, I don't really know what to do anymore anyway.

The pill stuff is super hard to explain. On one hand, I know meds are supposed to do something... like dull the pain and stuff, and I just want them to dull whatever it is happening to me. I don't even know what "it" is myself. On the other hand, I want to see what they actually do. Like I said, I've thought about suicide a lot, but I don't have the right meds on hand, and honestly, I'm not EVEN sure I want to go through with it. Just playing around with different combos and amounts... trying to get a feel for them and how strong they are, how they work... But since I don't feel ANY effect, I'm just taking more and more. I take all sorts of things, just wildly DIFFERENT stuff—whatever I find lying around the house, from Advil to antibiotics (when I was sick, instead of taking them to get better, I'd just hoard them so I could swallow them all at once). The ones that look most tempting are the ones with those strict warnings and limits (like how many you can safely take), so I just take more than that.

I don't have problems, I'm positive about that! Why? Because I've had them before. And I know what actual problems look like.
It's actually because I *don't* have problems that I feel so miserable; it makes me feel even worse. I used to think all my stupid behavior would stop once my problems vanished, but that's not how it works.
The picking thing... also really hard to put into words. Everything is hard to explain because I don't even understand it myself. Suddenly I'll just "snap" and do something dumb like picking at my skin or self-harming... or the pill thing. After I do it, I feel better.

I actually do have goals and I am enrolled in college. But lately, those goals just feel... pointless. I mean, we're all gonna die anyway, right? So who cares if I check stuff off a list or not? And honestly, even the college thing is such a struggle. It was supposed to be this "fresh start," but I'm 99% sure I'm gonna blow it. I just don't have the strength left, and everything I used to care about is losing its meaning.
And I wouldn't call myself lazy. I've proven that to myself. I worked really hard to get into school, and I did it.

I used to be at my computer all the time. But I wouldn't say I was building a whole different world there; it was more just a way to pass the time. I don't spend nearly as much time on it now. Honestly, I barely do anything anymore. I just lie around. I've lost interest in everything.

The issues with your behavior and mood are likely directly tied to this "experimentation" with pills. It's entirely possible your entire mental state is being driven by a series of chemical reactions in your body and brain—because, let's be blunt, you're an addict.

Essentially, if you want to figure out what's actually wrong with you—aside from the dependency itself—you need to detox first. You have to clear the slate.

If you can't do it on your own, you absolutely need to seek professional help.

Once you've eventually cleared your system (assuming one of those "medicinal" cocktails doesn't kill you first), you'll finally have a stable foundation to work on your mental and physical health. And maybe a shot at some actual happiness.

Lawrence Allen49 said:Maybe start by cutting out those pills. Honestly, they probably just make you feel sluggish and miserable instead of actually helping. Don't do it.

And seriously, there’s really no reason to be spiraling the way you described. This anxiety will pass, and you'll be back to your normal self soon enough. I get that it feels heavy right now and everything seems pointless, but you'll get through it. Try to look at it that way. You really don't need to stay stuck in this funk.

Btw, have you thought about seeing a doctor to help manage the nerves? Maybe print this thread out and hand it to them if you can. That'd probably be your best bet.

ps: There's really no reason to be this down, so try not to be. It comes and goes. But definitely go see your doctor; they're the ones who can actually help with whatever you're dealing with. You aren't going to find the answer here. Want to? Then hurry up. The sooner, the better.

Joseph Peterson6 said:The issues with your behavior and mood are likely directly tied to this "experimentation" with pills. It's entirely possible your entire mental state is being driven by a series of chemical reactions in your body and brain—because, let's be blunt, you're an addict.

Essentially, if you want to figure out what's actually wrong with you—aside from the dependency itself—you need to detox first. You have to clear the slate.

If you can't do it on your own, you absolutely need to seek professional help.

Once you've eventually cleared your system (assuming one of those "medicinal" cocktails doesn't kill you first), you'll finally have a stable foundation to work on your mental and physical health. And maybe a shot at some actual happiness.

But see, all these issues started way before I even thought about touching a single pill. The pill thing... that was just something that happened later on. Still, I get it. I can see for myself that they aren't doing anything good... they're just something I need to kick.
I haven't taken any for two days now. But I can't PROMISE that I won't slip up again. Sometimes I just snap and do something stupid.
I really need to sit down and process everything.

It sounds like you might be dealing with some mild bipolar symptoms, where you cycle between feeling down and those bursts of hyperactivity. Since you're still a teenager, it’s probably best to go talk to a specialist sooner rather than later—it’s unlikely to just vanish on its own. Just reach out to your pediatrician and be totally honest with them; they'll likely suggest a solid medication plan or refer you to a therapist.

She finally handed me that referral for a psychiatrist. I'm gonna head over there tomorrow to get everything scheduled.

Way to go, hang in there, it’s really not that big of a deal...

Have you ever tried leaning on your faith for a little help?

Michelle Vaughn18 said:Hey everyone.
I’m dealing with this massive weight right now and honestly, I’m just lost.
I’m 19, and for the most part, life isn't even that bad, except for one thing:
I’ve always felt like I’m on a different wavelength than people my age. I’m super sensitive to everything—like, really pick up on criticism, people being mean, or when things just feel unfair... But lately, it feels like more than just being sensitive.

-Sleep is a total nightmare. It wasn't always like this, but for the last three months, I literally CANNOT fall asleep. Usually, I just grab a few pills (doesn't matter which kind) because I've convinced myself they'll knock me out. I don't know why I'm so fixated on them, but I'm constantly popping them.
-The headaches are brutal. I went to a neurologist, but they can't figure out what's wrong. I've done every test under the sun and everything comes back perfectly fine.
-I’m just constantly, deeply sad. FOR NO REASON! Sometimes there’s some stupid little trigger, and since I’m the type of person who gets crushed if things aren't perfect, it just spirals. But even when everything is going great, I still feel incredibly low.
-Sometimes, out of nowhere, I just "snap"—I get super irritable and do stuff that catches both me and everyone else off guard.
-There are days where I’m happy, but then I go overboard and become insanely hyperactive. Usually, my friends aren't really down for my weird bursts of energy, so I end up crashing back into being unrealistically depressed.
-I have friends, but our connection isn't like what you see in movies or what most people have. And that's on me, not them. They're great for hanging out, but I can NEVER actually trust them with anything. Even if I try to open up, I just end up feeling foolish and exposed.

I used to think all this was just how I was, until I had to admit to myself that these aren't the only struggles I'm facing.

-I have these self-destructive tendencies. When I "snap" or get that irritability I mentioned, I end up hitting my head, pulling at myself, or cutting. I can't stop it. In those moments of pure rage or sadness, I do it without even thinking, and the scary part is... I actually FEEL relief from it.
-I feel like I could just end it all if any tiny obstacle gets in my way. I just don't know the right way to do it. I don't have access to the right pills, and mixing whatever else I find doesn't work on me anymore. I'm basically immune. I don't know... when I watch a movie and a character is in a bad spot, I just think, "I'd kill myself if I were them." Often, when I look ahead at the rest of my life, I feel like I'm just not strong enough to handle it and that I'll find a way out before I get there.
I feel like I don't really matter to anyone anyway. I'm just a burden.
-And lately, I've been hearing "voices." Look, I'm not crazy, and they aren't saying anything profound. It's more like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. Like yesterday, I was at a coffee shop with a friend and her boyfriend. We were all talking, and suddenly, I heard and saw a SUBWAY TRAIN and people stepping off it—right there in the middle of the cafe! I know it didn't happen, I know it's not real, but I don't know why I keep seeing these disconnected things. It's like waking sleep.

And here's the kicker: I only realize for about five minutes at a time that this isn't normal... that not everyone feels this way. The rest of the time, I'm totally convinced that it's okay—that it's normal to not want to live, to not be able to sleep, to cry for nothing... So I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling or ask for advice. Honestly, writing this whole post probably feels pointless now.
Is this an actual illness, or am I just being normal??

It's perfectly normal if you're constantly abusing pills, man. Just quit cold turkey and you'll start seeing things change in about 6 months.

Until then... maybe try sipping on some damn poppy tea instead.