Struggling with impulse control

How do you deal with someone who has zero impulse control? It’s my boss. I get the feeling he’s just sitting there, waiting for an excuse to attack someone—and it’s not just me, though I definitely catch more heat than most. He blows up over the smallest things and loses his mind instantly. You know the type, like one of those old-school, toxic managers you see at a big corporation like >... but with this guy, it feels like more than just a bad attitude; it feels like a genuine disorder. Avoiding him hasn't worked (I've tried hiding behind my coworkers), and trying to confront him calmly didn't work either (I tried being respectful when discussing someone else's mistake, yet he still tore me to shreds with insults). Is there actually any other option here besides just putting up with his bullshit?

@ Nicholas Gonzalez8, I’m looking for some advice here.🎉

First, understand that his behavior isn't about you. It’s entirely about him. You’ve essentially become his emotional outlet—the one he dumps all his deep-seated, internal trauma onto. He does it unconsciously, oblivious to the fact that he’s hurting you. What he can't face is his own pain, so he runs from it. One way he does that is through this aggression toward everyone around him... which is really just aggression directed at himself.

So, is it clear what he actually needs most?
Your response should be peace, not a defensive reaction.

How do you even approach someone like that?
Don't take the insults or the nonsense personally; they aren't personal. What he does is about him; what matters regarding you is how you choose to respond.
Think about what your response would be, rather than just reacting. Just keep that in mind. Be the response. He can't actually do anything to you. There's no reason to fear people like this—they just bark and keep barking because they enjoy it.

Respond with calm. Stay by his side, but don't get pulled into his mess. Act as partners while you talk. If he starts complaining, fine—just look at the situation itself first, rather than focusing on who is reacting to it. Stay "cool." Try to steer an aggressive conversation toward a constructive discussion about solving the actual problem. Simply "hold your ground" calmly; the key is just being yourself. That will definitely make an impact when the boss notices something is off; "your response". He won't get what he wanted, but he might just get what he actually needs.

Andrew Price3 said:First, understand that his behavior isn't about you. It’s entirely about him. You’ve essentially become his emotional outlet—the one he dumps all his deep-seated, internal trauma onto. He does it unconsciously, oblivious to the fact that he’s hurting you. What he can't face is his own pain, so he runs from it. One way he does that is through this aggression toward everyone around him... which is really just aggression directed at himself.

So, is it clear what he actually needs most?
Your response should be peace, not a defensive reaction.

How do you even approach someone like that?
Don't take the insults or the nonsense personally; they aren't personal. What he does is about him; what matters regarding you is how you choose to respond.
Think about what your response would be, rather than just reacting. Just keep that in mind. Be the response. He can't actually do anything to you. There's no reason to fear people like this—they just bark and keep barking because they enjoy it.

Respond with calm. Stay by his side, but don't get pulled into his mess. Act as partners while you talk. If he starts complaining, fine—just look at the situation itself first, rather than focusing on who is reacting to it. Stay "cool." Try to steer an aggressive conversation toward a constructive discussion about solving the actual problem. Simply "hold your ground" calmly; the key is just being yourself. That will definitely make an impact when the boss notices something is off; "your response". He won't get what he wanted, but he might just get what he actually needs.

👍👍👍

If he gets what he actually needs instead of the drama he’s fishing for a few times, he might actually learn something and dial back the aggression—basically, you might actually manage to fix him a little bit.

wanderingangler13 said:How do you deal with someone who has zero impulse control? It’s my boss. I get the feeling he’s just sitting there, waiting for an excuse to attack someone—and it’s not just me, though I definitely catch more heat than most. He blows up over the smallest things and loses his mind instantly. You know the type, like one of those old-school, toxic managers you see at a big corporation like >... but with this guy, it feels like more than just a bad attitude; it feels like a genuine disorder. Avoiding him hasn't worked (I've tried hiding behind my coworkers), and trying to confront him calmly didn't work either (I tried being respectful when discussing someone else's mistake, yet he still tore me to shreds with insults). Is there actually any other option here besides just putting up with his bullshit?

Man, I’ve been in a nearly identical situation myself...

If the person is wired that way—maybe they're dealing with bipolar disorder—then those outbursts might just be their "normal"...
but if they aren't bipolar (and I really don't think your boss is), then what you're looking at is someone who absolutely loathes themselves. They are so weighed down by their own internal mess and flaws that it drives them crazy, and instead of taking any responsibility for their own life, they just dump all that rage onto everyone else around them...
They project every single one of their insecurities onto the people around them and their environment. If you want to understand why he's losing it, just watch closely; the things that trigger him most are almost always exact reflections of his own personal failings.👍

Yes, we’re aware. We aren't just looking for observations here; we're looking for solutions. Throw some ideas on the table.

Either he just needs to suck it up and deal with it, or he should probably just tell her exactly what’s on his mind and start looking for a new gig...
It really comes down to how much patience she actually has left for him; she’s the one who has to weigh it all and make the call. Honestly, she isn't facing a complex dilemma here—she really only has two choices.

Andrew Price3 said:First, understand that his behavior isn't about you. It’s entirely about him. You’ve essentially become his emotional outlet—the one he dumps all his deep-seated, internal trauma onto. He does it unconsciously, oblivious to the fact that he’s hurting you. What he can't face is his own pain, so he runs from it. One way he does that is through this aggression toward everyone around him... which is really just aggression directed at himself.

So, is it clear what he actually needs most?
Your response should be peace, not a defensive reaction.

How do you even approach someone like that?
Don't take the insults or the nonsense personally; they aren't personal. What he does is about him; what matters regarding you is how you choose to respond.
Think about what your response would be, rather than just reacting. Just keep that in mind. Be the response. He can't actually do anything to you. There's no reason to fear people like this—they just bark and keep barking because they enjoy it.

Respond with calm. Stay by his side, but don't get pulled into his mess. Act as partners while you talk. If he starts complaining, fine—just look at the situation itself first, rather than focusing on who is reacting to it. Stay "cool." Try to steer an aggressive conversation toward a constructive discussion about solving the actual problem. Simply "hold your ground" calmly; the key is just being yourself. That will definitely make an impact when the boss notices something is off; "your response". He won't get what he wanted, but he might just get what he actually needs.

Take this approach into account. It is incredibly hard to stay worked up against someone who responds with calm, positive energy. If they keep pushing, then yeah, you can get more direct.

Using questions is a great way to ground the situation without being rude. If they snap at you for no reason, just ask straight up: "Could you help me understand how I should have handled that?"

People who yell usually have massive egos. They "need" to feel powerful and successful, and they live for validation. So, try leading with a compliment to soften the blow of your critique. That’s how you grab their attention. Catch them when things have settled down and say something like: "Hey Boss, do you have a second? I really love this job and I value the insights you share with us. There's just one small thing making it tough for me. When there's shouting, I lose my focus, and it takes me a few minutes to get back into the groove. I hate even bringing this up because I know how much you have on your plate, but I’d really appreciate it if we could keep our conversations a bit calmer during work hours."

Now, if we're talking about a mid-level manager and none of this polite stuff is working, your only move left is going over their head to their boss. Of course, that's a total gamble if the higher-ups are cut from the same cloth.

Thanks, everyone 👍 I know you’re right—when you’re actually at peace and feeling Zen, this stuff doesn't hit as hard. But when someone dumps five days' worth of work on your desk in a single day, and you're grinding away, hyper-focused, only to see them gearing up to "tear someone else apart," it’s impossible to stay calm. To make matters worse, the very next second after a blow-up, he’ll pivot to being perfectly polite, saying things like, "You did a great job there..." or "Can you help me with something?" It’s baffling to any sane person, let alone someone dealing with borderline issues like me...

....Based on his reputation, he’s known far and wide for this. My only small comfort is that he hasn't isolated me specifically; he does this to everyone who refuses to kiss his ass... I get the feeling he’s like one of those guys who hits his wife and then spends the rest of the night wailing and crying about it. That's just how his impulse control works—completely contradictory behavior...

....A few times I managed to stay calm—you know, standing my ground with some dignity—only for him to give me the cold shoulder for the next five days. He even forbade my other colleagues from helping me, leaving me sitting at my desk like a total amateur, staring into space with nothing to do....I think, in his own fragile ego, he might actually be intimidated by me. He can't "read" me, and since I refuse to suck up to him, he doesn't know what to do... even though my own personality isn't exactly bulletproof...

..All in all, thanks. I know your responses came from the heart😍...this definitely isn't an isolated incident (I’ve likely survived similar types before). Now, after a couple of years on the job, I'm no longer a rookie, yet he still loves attacking me and everyone else... You’d think as people get older, they’d lose their edge, but he’s sharper and more aggressive than ever....

wanderingangler13 said:Thanks, everyone 👍 I know you’re right—when you’re actually at peace and feeling Zen, this stuff doesn't hit as hard. But when someone dumps five days' worth of work on your desk in a single day, and you're grinding away, hyper-focused, only to see them gearing up to "tear someone else apart," it’s impossible to stay calm. To make matters worse, the very next second after a blow-up, he’ll pivot to being perfectly polite, saying things like, "You did a great job there..." or "Can you help me with something?" It’s baffling to any sane person, let alone someone dealing with borderline issues like me...

....Based on his reputation, he’s known far and wide for this. My only small comfort is that he hasn't isolated me specifically; he does this to everyone who refuses to kiss his ass... I get the feeling he’s like one of those guys who hits his wife and then spends the rest of the night wailing and crying about it. That's just how his impulse control works—completely contradictory behavior...

....A few times I managed to stay calm—you know, standing my ground with some dignity—only for him to give me the cold shoulder for the next five days. He even forbade my other colleagues from helping me, leaving me sitting at my desk like a total amateur, staring into space with nothing to do....I think, in his own fragile ego, he might actually be intimidated by me. He can't "read" me, and since I refuse to suck up to him, he doesn't know what to do... even though my own personality isn't exactly bulletproof...

..All in all, thanks. I know your responses came from the heart😍...this definitely isn't an isolated incident (I’ve likely survived similar types before). Now, after a couple of years on the job, I'm no longer a rookie, yet he still loves attacking me and everyone else... You’d think as people get older, they’d lose their edge, but he’s sharper and more aggressive than ever....

Personally, I've dealt with all sorts of managers, and your boss sounds like the textbook definition of someone who lives for status and power. He clearly lacks any real communication skills and just dumps his emotional baggage on anyone beneath him. Honestly, he seems like the type who thrives on the fact that you represent everything he wishes he was, which gives him a false sense of integrity. My advice? Try to view his outbursts as a poor reflection of *him*, not you. I know that’s easier said than done, but trust me, it helps. When he starts attacking, just ask yourself, "What do I actually gain from this performance?" The answer is nothing, except for him trying to offload his mess onto you. You aren't going to change him through conversation because that's just not his forte. Instead, try to remain neutral. Don't react to the fire immediately, but remember that good advice someone gave you earlier? Maybe wait a little while, then circle back and ask him to clarify exactly how he wants something done. That way, you reclaim a little bit of control over the communication, and he gets that quiet little ego boost he craves. If you try to hide or shrink away, he'll just target you more because you seem like an easy mark. I think you need to show him you're present and engaged with the work, but completely unavailable for his emotional drama. Just wanted to say, he isn't some uniquely "bad American boss," he's just a guy who desperately needs a professional communications seminar😉.