Aside from a dog, a book is a person's best friend. But inside a dog, it’s way too dark to read.
Groucho Marx quote
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter.
Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx quote
I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set,
I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx quote
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx quote
I sent the club a wire stating,
PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION.
I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB
THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Groucho Marx quote
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx quote
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx quote
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx quote
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx quote
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Groucho Marx quote
Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!"
Groucho Marx: "He must be a pretty big boy by now."
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
"Come get your ice-cream! Come get your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!"
Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera film
Chico Marx: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"
Groucho Marx: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."
Chico Marx: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books"
Chico / Groucho in A Night at the Races film
Man: Are you a man or a mouse?
Groucho Marx: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out.
Groucho in A Night at the Races film
If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!
Groucho in A Night at the Races film
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
Groucho in A Night at the Races film
Groucho Marx: "Do you like gardinias?"
Woman: " Why Yes I adore them quote. How did you know?"
Groucho Marx: " I Didn't so I got you a forget-me-not instead."
Groucho / Margaret in A Night at the Races
Chico Marx: "What's the matter, Mister?"
Groucho Marx: "Oh, we got into an argument and he pulled a knife on me so I shot him."
Chico and Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera
(introducing Mrs. Claypool to Mr. Gottlieb) Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb;
Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool;
Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb;
Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool!
If you four people want to play bridge, don't mind me, go right ahead.
Groucho in A Night at the Opera
Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho Marx: "Well, watermelons are out of season."
Groucho in A Night at the Opera
"The party of the first part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the first part..." and
"The party of the second part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the second part...
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera
"Don't you know what duplicates are?"
"Sure. There's five kids up in Canada."
"Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been to Canada in years."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera
Groucho Marx: "Get outta here before I get arrested."
Chico Marx: "Nah I'd like to stay and see that."
Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera film
9 dollars and 40 cents? That's an outrage! If I were you I wouldn't pay it!
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera film
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho Marx: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight."
Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera film
Groucho Marx: Do you follow me?
Margaret Dumont: Yes!
Groucho Marx: Well, you better stop following me, or I'll have you arrested.
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
Chico Marx: Can a guy survive in NYC on three bucks?
Groucho Marx: Like a king. Sure, he’ll starve, but he’ll live like royalty.
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
Groucho Marx: "It's standard in every contract—it's what people call a sanity clause."
Chico Marx: "You can't pull the wool over my eyes; there's no such thing as a sanity clause!"
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
We need to pick up the pace in this hotel.
Chef, if a guest asks for a three-minute egg, serve it in two.
If they want a two-minute egg, get it to them in one.
If they ask for a one-minute egg, just hand them a whole chicken and let them figure it out.
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
Groucho Marx: You realize I think you're the most stunning woman on the planet?
Woman: Seriously?
Groucho Marx: Nah, but I'm fine with lying if it gets me what I want.
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
A hundred aces? Forget it... let's make it two hundred... now we're talking!
Chico Marx in Animal Crackers film
I swiped his tie—what'd you grab? The birthmark? Nice work.
Chico Marx in Animal Crackers film
"I showed up for a party and what do I get? Zilch. Not even a scoop of ice cream."
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
I'll do whatever you want. Hell, I'll even stick around. But I really should be heading out.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Look, we have to remember that art is art.
Then again, water is just water, right?
East is east and west is west.
And if you take some cranberries and cook them down like applesauce,
they'll taste way more like prunes than rhubarb ever will.
Anyway... now you tell me everything you know.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Mind if I skip the smoking?
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
If I were a guy, you'd be pissed off about that.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
I'll show you a thing or two.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Quote, unquote, and quote.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Forget it—just swap it out for a windshield wiper.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
I'm Captain Spalding of the Spalding Yard.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Spalding Yard of the Captain Scotland.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Hey, not every joke is a winner. You gotta expect a dud every once in a while.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
It's a date—Saturday at three. Actually, make it Tuesday. I'm heading to Europe on Monday.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
So, tell me, what's your take on the traffic jams?
How about the mess that is marriage?
And what keeps you up at night,
you animal?
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
"Maybe one man and one woman worked for your grandma,
but nobody's looking to marry her. Not even your grandpa!"
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
So, one morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he ended up in my pajamas, I haven't a clue.
Then we tried to pull out the tusks. The tusks. That's a tough word to say. Tusks.
Give it a shot sometime. Like I said, we tried to get those tusks out. But they were stuck so deep we couldn't move them.
Of course, down in Alabama, near Tuscaloosa, but that's totally irrelevant to my point.
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Groucho Marx: You ever see a tree like that?
Chico Marx: Tree? That's spinach.
Groucho Marx: It can't be spinach. Where's the egg?
Groucho Marx / Chico Marx in Animal Crackers film
Captain Spalding, venting about his last trip abroad:
'We snapped some photos of the local girls, but the film wasn't developed.
But we're heading back in a few weeks!'
Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers film
Groucho Marx: "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I wasn't worried it wouldn't open."
Chico Marx: "Haha, you're nuts—I actually bought a pair of shoes!"
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
Margaret Dumont: "I am certainly not the idiot here."
Chico Marx: "Well, you definitely could be."
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
The Crowd: "Hooray for Captain Spaulding! The great American explorer!"
Capt. Spaulding: "Did somebody just call me a cheapskate?"
The Crowd: "Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!"
Groucho Marx / Duck Soup film
Taxi Driver: "Hey Mister, that'll be $18.75."
Groucho Marx: "1875? Yeah, figured as much. The 1940 models always did run a lot smoother."
Groucho Marx / At The Circus film
"I'll show you what happens when you kick me..."
"Save your breath—I already know how!"
Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
We totally followed him:
On Tuesday, we sat outside his place all day, but he wasn't even home.
Wednesday, we headed to the baseball game, but he played us—he never showed up.
Thursday, he went to the game, but we pulled a fast one and stayed home instead.
Friday was a doubleheader; nobody showed up, so we just stayed in and caught it on the radio.
Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
Attorney: "That kind of evidence is useless to us."
Chico Marx: "That sounds great—I'll just have myself a nice cold glass of lemonade then."
Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
"Who are you gonna trust—me, or your own eyes?"
Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
Attorney: "Chicolini, tell me, when were you born?"
Chicolini: "I honestly can't recall. I was just a tiny little baby."
Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
"I could dance with you until the sun comes up... but I'd much rather dance with the cows until you get home."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"Even a preschooler could wrap their head around this."
"Go grab me a four-year-old kid,
" "Because I can't make any sense of this mess."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"Well, that's quite a lot of info. Actually, you cover a lot of ground yourself."
"You might want to scram—I heard they’re tearing this place down to build an office tower right where you're standing."
"You can catch a cab. And if you can't find a cab, you can just storm out."
"If that feels too rushed, you can leave in a minute and a storm."
"Seriously, have you said anything since I walked in here?"
"You must've been immunized with a record player needle."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"I can clearly see you standing over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove itself."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"If anyone shows even a hint of enjoyment, let me know and I'll shut it down."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
Minister: "We really need to address the tax issue."
Groucho Marx: "I'd rather address the rug."
Minister: "I'm insisting we handle the tax."
Groucho Marx: "He's onto you—you've got to pick up the thumbtacks before you can deal with the rug."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"I used to dance for Napoleon. Actually, Napoleon danced for me—well, he danced two hundred years before I did."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
Secretary of the Treasury: "Sir, you are testing my patience!"
Firefly: "Don't let me stop you. You should try testing mine sometime."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
"Don't look now, but there's one extra person in this room, and I'm pretty sure it's you."
Groucho Marx in Duck Soup film
Groucho Marx: "How would you feel about a job at the mint?"
Chico Marx: "Mint? I'm not a fan of mint. Got any other flavors?"
Groucho Marx and Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
Groucho Marx: "Just for saying that, I'm rescinding the job offer I had planned for you."
Chico Marx: "What job?"
Groucho Marx: "Secretary of War."
Chico Marx: "Fine, I'll take it."
Groucho Marx and Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
"Pick a number between one and ten."
"Eleven."
"Exactly!"
Groucho Marx and Chico Marx in Duck Soup film
FIREFLY: "To my dentist. Um... 'Dear Dentist: Please find the enclosed check for five hundred dollars. Yours truly.' Get that sent out right now."
"Send that off immediately."
BOB: "I'll... uh, I'll need to include the check first."
FIREFLY: "Do that, or you're fired."
Groucho Marx and Zeppo Marx in Duck Soup film
Listen up, guys—we’re out here defending this Woman's honor; though honestly, she probably hasn't done enough to earn it.
Groucho Marx quote in Duck Soup
Rufus T. Firefly: "My old man was a bit stubborn, and my mom was a bit intense. The stubborns teamed up with the intense ones, and well, that's how we ended up like this."
Groucho Marx quote in Duck Soup
I’m seriously considering joining a local social club just so I can take a swing at you with it.
Groucho Marx quote in Duck Soup
Mrs. Teasdale: "Your Excellency, I'm truly at a loss for words."
Firefly: "I wouldn't know what to say either if I were in your shoes."
(To the Ambassador) "Maybe you should weigh in. Actually, why don't you just give me a suggestion? In fact, looking at you, you suggest nothing but a baboon!"
(The Ambassador looks totally insulted and gasps)
Firefly😢 (Aside) "Sorry about that. It’s not really fair to insult the rest of the baboons."
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film Duck Soup
MD: "Come closer... closer... come closer..."
GM: "If I got any closer, I'd be behind you."
Margaret Dumont, Groucho Marx in Duck Soup
Chico Marx: "I'd actually prefer the West Coast if it were located on the East Coast."
Chico Marx in Go West
GROUCHO: "He's just some quack doctor... can you imagine trying to swallow a spoonful of him?"
Groucho in Go West
GROUCHO: "You've got love for your brother, don't you?"
CHICO: "Not really, but I've gotten used to him."
Groucho and Chico Marx in Go West
CHICO: "Word is there's gold scattered all along the tracks, right Rusty? All over the place."
GROUCHO: "Judging by the state of him, it looks like *he's* the one who's been laying all over the tracks."
Groucho and Chico Marx in Go West
Chico: "Who are you?"
Groucho: "Doing great, thanks. How about you?"
Chico Marx and Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers
"Faculty members, and members of the faculty.
Students of the university and the university's students.
Well, I guess that covers everyone."
Groucho in Horse Feathers
"Why don't you just drill a hole through yourself and let the nonsense leak out?"
Groucho in Horse Feathers
Do we have a campus? Do we have a football team? ...Look, we can't afford both.
Starting tomorrow, we're tearing the whole school down.
Groucho in Horse Feathers
(Chico Marx and Groucho on their hands and knees) "That's no way to enter a bar—that's how you leave one!"
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers
Even after you've shortened it and made it more compact, I'm still totally against it!
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers
Honestly, I thought my razor was blunt until I heard that guy's speech.
Which reminds me of a story so scandalous, I'm almost embarrassed to bring it up.
Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers
Zeppo: "Dad, I'm actually proud to call you my father."
Groucho: "You're taking the words right out of my mouth. I'm deeply ashamed to be your dad."
Zeppo and Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers
Chico Marx: "The garbage man's here."
Groucho: "Well, tell him we aren't interested in any."
Chico Marx and Groucho Marx in I'll Say She Is
"The cavalry is coming! Hide your hair!" (Picks up a man's toupee and stuffs it in his pocket.)
in Monkey Business
Pay us a little, and we'll act a little tough...
Pay us a lot, and we'll act a whole lot tougher...
Chico Marx in Monkey Business
"You've got it, sure—and you can keep it."
Chico Marx in Monkey Business
MAN: "What gives? Why is your hand in my pocket?"
CHICO: "Just a little slip-up. I used to own a suit that looked just like this,
and for a second there, I thought I was reaching into my own pants."
MAN: "How could they be your pants when I'm wearing them?"
CHICO: "Well, see, this suit came with two pairs of pants."
Chico Marx in Monkey Business
Either this guy is dead, or my watch has definitely stopped.
Groucho Marx in Monkey Business
If you've got ten bucks, you better come see me in the morning. If you only have six, can I borrow four?
Groucho Marx / Margaret Dumont film
Ice Water? Grab some onions—that’ll get those tears flowing!
Groucho Marx quote
Is anyone actually surprised by what's in Grant's tomb?
Groucho Marx quote
If you haven't seen all the Three Stooges movies, you're basically an idiot 😁
