Too much arrogance

Hey everyone, I’m dealing with a situation right now that is honestly eating me alive. I’m facing the very real possibility of losing my best friend because he thinks I’m just straight-up trash. To be blunt, I struggle with this uncontrollable streak of arrogance, conceit, and being incredibly full of myself. It truly feels like there are two different people living inside my body—the good version and the bad version. My better half knows perfectly well that I’m not the smartest, the best-looking, or even particularly special, but the second I step out into a crowd, that "dark side" takes over and I turn into exactly what my buddy calls a jerk. I desperately want to tone down the rudeness, but I just can't seem to get a grip on it. An insult will just slip out, or I'll start bragging about myself, and at the same time, it feels incredibly awkward to constantly apologize for every single stupid thing I say. I’ve actually tried playing the part of the polite, decent guy a few times, but my friends tell me it looks totally fake and forced. I really don't want to lose this guy because we've known each other since we were kids. On top of all that, I’m incredibly selfish—like, even when I have my own pack of Marlboros, I still find myself asking someone else for a smoke. Any advice? Please help!

I know enough people like this to fill up an entire small town in the Midwest.
That’s just straight-up narcissism and ego.

silentbadger22 said:Hey everyone, I’m dealing with a situation right now that is honestly eating me alive. I’m facing the very real possibility of losing my best friend because he thinks I’m just straight-up trash. To be blunt, I struggle with this uncontrollable streak of arrogance, conceit, and being incredibly full of myself. It truly feels like there are two different people living inside my body—the good version and the bad version. My better half knows perfectly well that I’m not the smartest, the best-looking, or even particularly special, but the second I step out into a crowd, that "dark side" takes over and I turn into exactly what my buddy calls a jerk. I desperately want to tone down the rudeness, but I just can't seem to get a grip on it. An insult will just slip out, or I'll start bragging about myself, and at the same time, it feels incredibly awkward to constantly apologize for every single stupid thing I say. I’ve actually tried playing the part of the polite, decent guy a few times, but my friends tell me it looks totally fake and forced. I really don't want to lose this guy because we've known each other since we were kids. On top of all that, I’m incredibly selfish—like, even when I have my own pack of Marlboros, I still find myself asking someone else for a smoke. Any advice? Please help!

That cigarette thing is basically just a survival instinct... Mike has a pantry full of beef jerky, cheese, and fruit, but he'll still go out of his way to act hungry just so he can bug a neighbor for a bite. It's how he keeps himself feeling superior—like he's always one step ahead while everyone else is struggling.
Whether you're bumming a smoke or if Mike is raiding the fridge, it's all about avoiding being at a disadvantage. If you use your own stuff, you're "losing" something, which gives someone else the chance to come out on top...

It’s that "I'll survive even if everyone else dies" mentality, just applied to different things. Whether it's food or smoking, the psychological trigger is identical.
Some people have such a fierce drive to survive that they'll steamroll over anyone in their path, even the people they claim to love.

I guess the issue is your circle of friends. It’s hard to learn how to actually respect people when you guys are constantly just trying to outdo one another.
Maybe you need someone empathetic in your life—someone who can show you a different perspective while also giving you a bit of a reality check on your conscience.

Did you build up these walls because people burned you in the past?
Or maybe there's something your friends have that you're secretly jealous of, or some area where you just haven't hit your stride yet?

Jerry Ramos90 said:I guess the issue is your circle of friends. It’s hard to learn how to actually respect people when you guys are constantly just trying to outdo one another.
Maybe you need someone empathetic in your life—someone who can show you a different perspective while also giving you a bit of a reality check on your conscience.

Did you build up these walls because people burned you in the past?
Or maybe there's something your friends have that you're secretly jealous of, or some area where you just haven't hit your stride yet?

Hmm, I'm not entirely sure. If I had to say, the only thing my best friend is truly better at than me is physical strength, and he’s the first person to admit that himself! Honestly, it doesn't bother me one bit since I’ve got plenty of my own strength to rely on. Personality-wise, he is my complete polar opposite, though I honestly couldn't tell you exactly why that is. No one in my family is anything like him. As for being hurt, I wouldn't say I've ever been wounded like that, though I did have a few close friends move across the country to start new lives, which was definitely tough to deal with at the time, but I moved past that ages ago.

Do you actually feel a sense of rage or anger when you want to lash out at someone because of their typical behavior or some dumb thing they said?

I mean, I guess those situations are always the same ones that trigger anxiety and make you feel like you need to get defensive.

Can you pinpoint a specific moment like that and figure out what exactly triggered your values? 🤷

You clearly have this deep-seated need to be in control, and honestly, it seems like your friend is just stepping aside and letting you take the lead every single time. If he actually stood his ground once in a while or called you out on your behavior just like you do to him, I truly believe you’d either find a sense of peace together or you'd just clash and head your separate ways, though I suspect you'd probably just go looking for a new "target" down the road. You really ought to reconsider this friendship entirely, because if it truly mattered to you, I’m convinced you would have made an effort to change your ways by now, since a genuine, high-quality connection can only exist when both people are willing to meet in the middle.
It's entirely possible that this all stems from something in your past, because nobody just wakes up one day and decides to act this way without some history behind it. 🤷

First thing that comes to mind? A vampire. They’ve got to feed, obviously, but they have to be careful not to overdo it and lose the victim. 🤣
When a "victim" finally decides to stand up for themselves, they usually start thinking about cutting back on the supply just so they don't lose everything for good.

frozencobra61 said:You clearly have this deep-seated need to be in control, and honestly, it seems like your friend is just stepping aside and letting you take the lead every single time. If he actually stood his ground once in a while or called you out on your behavior just like you do to him, I truly believe you’d either find a sense of peace together or you'd just clash and head your separate ways, though I suspect you'd probably just go looking for a new "target" down the road. You really ought to reconsider this friendship entirely, because if it truly mattered to you, I’m convinced you would have made an effort to change your ways by now, since a genuine, high-quality connection can only exist when both people are willing to meet in the middle.
It's entirely possible that this all stems from something in your past, because nobody just wakes up one day and decides to act this way without some history behind it. 🤷

Vampires just love their victims. 🙂 They only seem to respect people who think exactly like they do.

frozencobra61 said:You clearly have this deep-seated need to be in control, and honestly, it seems like your friend is just stepping aside and letting you take the lead every single time. If he actually stood his ground once in a while or called you out on your behavior just like you do to him, I truly believe you’d either find a sense of peace together or you'd just clash and head your separate ways, though I suspect you'd probably just go looking for a new "target" down the road. You really ought to reconsider this friendship entirely, because if it truly mattered to you, I’m convinced you would have made an effort to change your ways by now, since a genuine, high-quality connection can only exist when both people are willing to meet in the middle.
It's entirely possible that this all stems from something in your past, because nobody just wakes up one day and decides to act this way without some history behind it. 🤷

Maybe he just sucked some life out of it. 🤣
I’ve always been fascinated by this question: why do some people have such an intense urge to exploit others? It’s like they see themselves as the center of the universe—some kind of dark sun—while everyone else is just a tool waiting to be used.
Honestly, it’s actually a pretty solid strategy for building strength and just staying resilient.
I have to admit, I’m also a bit of a people pleaser—I tend to let others take advantage of me if they make it easy enough.

silentbadger22 said:Hmm, I'm not entirely sure. If I had to say, the only thing my best friend is truly better at than me is physical strength, and he’s the first person to admit that himself! Honestly, it doesn't bother me one bit since I’ve got plenty of my own strength to rely on. Personality-wise, he is my complete polar opposite, though I honestly couldn't tell you exactly why that is. No one in my family is anything like him. As for being hurt, I wouldn't say I've ever been wounded like that, though I did have a few close friends move across the country to start new lives, which was definitely tough to deal with at the time, but I moved past that ages ago.

What made that so tough for you?

silentbadger22 said:Hey everyone, I’m dealing with a situation right now that is honestly eating me alive. I’m facing the very real possibility of losing my best friend because he thinks I’m just straight-up trash. To be blunt, I struggle with this uncontrollable streak of arrogance, conceit, and being incredibly full of myself. It truly feels like there are two different people living inside my body—the good version and the bad version. My better half knows perfectly well that I’m not the smartest, the best-looking, or even particularly special, but the second I step out into a crowd, that "dark side" takes over and I turn into exactly what my buddy calls a jerk. I desperately want to tone down the rudeness, but I just can't seem to get a grip on it. An insult will just slip out, or I'll start bragging about myself, and at the same time, it feels incredibly awkward to constantly apologize for every single stupid thing I say. I’ve actually tried playing the part of the polite, decent guy a few times, but my friends tell me it looks totally fake and forced. I really don't want to lose this guy because we've known each other since we were kids. On top of all that, I’m incredibly selfish—like, even when I have my own pack of Marlboros, I still find myself asking someone else for a smoke. Any advice? Please help!

He should definitely apologize for the insults, but there’s no need to say thanks for the compliments.
What kind of person doesn't always think the absolute best of themselves?
At the end of the day, you’re living for yourself and you’re dying by yourself. So really, how can you possibly love, value, or respect anyone else more than you respect yourself?
People are all over the map. You might try to take a jab at someone, and they’ll just laugh it off, fire a witty comeback your way, and move on without a second thought.
Then you’ve got those totally insecure types where even a whole team of therapists couldn't fix their issues.

Honestly, if someone has an inflated ego, you can't really get under their skin. In their mind, you aren't even important enough for your insults to actually matter.
So, what kind of friends are we talking about here, and what kind of insults are you dealing with?

I’m really curious to know if you're currently in a relationship, and if you are, what that whole dynamic actually looks like for you.

Are you working right now, and would you say you act this same way toward your boss?

edit: I have to ask, why the sudden urge to change everything all at once—is it just a fear of ending up alone?

This is honestly such a fascinating topic to dive into 🙂

That guy is super young, probably a Dalmatian.
Games, phones, laptops...
(honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if his birth year is tucked right into his username 🙂 )
I doubt someone like him would ever want to work for anyone else besides himself.

frozencobra61 said:I’m really curious to know if you're currently in a relationship, and if you are, what that whole dynamic actually looks like for you.

Are you working right now, and would you say you act this same way toward your boss?

edit: I have to ask, why the sudden urge to change everything all at once—is it just a fear of ending up alone?

This is honestly such a fascinating topic to dive into 🙂

Well, I am in a relationship, and I can tell you for certain that being in love has completely transformed me, so I'm definitely not that same kind of jerk anymore.
To be honest, nobody has ever treated me that way before, but I lost quite a few people my own age along the way, and those losses really took a toll on my inner core. That said, I don't hold myself responsible for any of it, nor do I carry any guilt toward anyone, regardless of the circumstances.
I have absolutely no intention of losing my friend because we are perfectly in sync on everything—from our taste in music and movies to our general outlook on life—it's just that I happened to act that way toward him...
I'm not working at the moment since I'm still in college, but I'm using my brother's account to post here, and yes, I'm a Dalmatian.😁

silentbadger22 said:Well, I am in a relationship, and I can tell you for certain that being in love has completely transformed me, so I'm definitely not that same kind of jerk anymore.
To be honest, nobody has ever treated me that way before, but I lost quite a few people my own age along the way, and those losses really took a toll on my inner core. That said, I don't hold myself responsible for any of it, nor do I carry any guilt toward anyone, regardless of the circumstances.
I have absolutely no intention of losing my friend because we are perfectly in sync on everything—from our taste in music and movies to our general outlook on life—it's just that I happened to act that way toward him...
I'm not working at the moment since I'm still in college, but I'm using my brother's account to post here, and yes, I'm a Dalmatian.😁

It sounds like you aren't actually worried about your friend's well-being, but more about what you'd be missing out on if they were gone...
Finding someone who shares all your views *and* is fun to mess around with 🤣 🤣
is pretty tough luck.

That’s some solid advice regarding empathy right there.
Empathy is the ultimate ego killer...

I used to hang out with this guy, seven years my senior, who basically laid it all out for me—told me straight up that I lacked empathy. But honestly? I ended up breaking down in tears when he pointed out how I actually treat people.
He either completely crushed me, or he handed me this brand new superpower of understanding.
Look, if you don't want to go through a total identity overhaul from Alpha to Omega, you might as well just stay exactly as you are and accept your flaws.
But why was I such an easy target for this realization? I have no clue. I guess I was always primed for it; I just needed someone to give me that final shove.
So, bottom line: if you don't want to be an arrogant jerk, you have to be willing to step into a whole different world.🙂