Toxic Family Dynamics

The title isn't great, honestly. I thought about posting this under the 'Toxic Parents' thread, but my issue actually extends to the whole family. Writing this out just helps me vent a little, and I could really use some input from you guys too. 🙂

Last year, I posted about how my parents treated me poorly while I was growing up... the thread was called Enough is enough.

A lot has changed for me over the past year. I’m not dealing with depression or anxiety like I used to. But what still eats at me is how they act toward me—that total lack of respect. They’re so stuck-up that they won't even say hello or look me in the eye... it’s obvious they’re actively avoiding me. Yet, when they’re around others, they play these roles perfectly. Such actors.

My mom spent a good chunk of this year fighting with the rest of the family. She wouldn't leave the house for two months straight. I actually stepped in to help mediate and get everyone back on speaking terms... but the second she made peace with them, her attitude toward me flipped again. It’s like I don't exist to her anymore. Now I just feel like a complete fool for helping someone who couldn't care less about me 👎.

They have zero respect for me. They just expect me to take it all, pretend everything is fine, and stay the "good, obedient kid"... I guess I've somewhat come to terms with the fact that they might never truly accept me, since they haven't for the last 25 years... but I still feel stupid helping them out, even though I can't just sit around doing nothing all day.

Right now, I'm mostly frustrated with my dad. He never taught me anything useful, and he isn't going to start now... meanwhile, the rest of the family just sits there criticizing me for not knowing things. I don't know how much longer I can keep my cool, because this is just ridiculous.

My theory? My old man is just scared of losing his "alpha" status—even though Mom is clearly the one in charge and he isn't—so he tries to keep me looking incompetent to maintain control.

Anyway, that's where things stand right now 🙂
And please, spare me the "get a job and move out" comments. Trust me, I know that would be the best move, but right now, it's just not an option.

Man, your family is a total wreck. I honestly can't believe anyone could have parents that awful. No offense intended...
Just tell them what you've got in your username.

I’m the kind of person who always tries to give people another shot, you know? Always trying to fix things... but no matter how hard I pull, my relationship with my family just stays stuck in the same place. Every time I finally crawl out of a deep depression, feeling good and positive again, I just end up getting let down by everyone... It hits me that nobody actually cares. When I was at my lowest, they weren't there to support me at all. Honestly, it felt like they were intentionally poking at me because they knew I was vulnerable. Like they were almost enjoying seeing me struggle.

I don't get what it is about me that bothers them so much, or why they always look down on me like I'm somehow less than... I finished my degree (unlike my sister, who can't seem to wrap hers up no matter what), and I make enough money online to take care of myself... sure, I haven't landed a traditional 9-to-5 yet, but I haven't given up. I'm still out there sending out applications every single day.

I’m using "they" because I’m talking about the whole group, not just my parents.

The reason I even started this thread—and the reason my blood pressure spiked yesterday—is because they were gossiping. They were complaining about someone not saying hello to them, and I just snapped and said, "If I thought the way you guys do, I’d be angry at the entire family." I can't even remember the exact rest of the conversation, but it ended with them telling me I have no right to complain. Like it's perfectly fine for them to act that way toward me, but if anyone does it to them, it's a huge deal. 😵

But honestly, the silver lining is that as I get older, I find myself caring less and less about the family drama... I'm focusing more on myself now. 🙂

Maybe you were adopted 😲

Ethan Campbell said:Maybe you were adopted 😲

Haha, yeah, I used to think that when I was a kid... just hoping my real parents would show up one day to pick me up. 😁

There's this one great book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I only ever read the original English version, so I'm not sure if there's an American translation out there, but it's solid. One thing that really stuck with me is the idea that it’s perfectly fine to get angry, speak up when something bothers you, and refuse to forgive bad behavior. Forgiveness isn't some instant fix; it's a long process that can take years.

Is that one by Susan Forward? I read her stuff in English, and man, it’s a great book.

I saw so much of myself in those pages... what really helped was finally realizing the issue wasn't me. It was them. They were my parents; they were supposed to be my protectors, not the ones making my life miserable.

And regarding the whole forgiveness thing, if I remember correctly, she wrote about how you don't actually *have* to forgive to feel better... like, just forgiving someone doesn't magically fix everything.

As for me, I don't think I'll ever forgive them. They messed up big time, and that's that.🙂

I didn't catch any of your posts from last year, so I'm pretty curious.
How did your family's lack of care actually show up during your childhood?
What kind of kid were you? Did you have friends, or were there specific chores your parents expected you to handle—and did you actually do them? I'm also wondering if they treated your siblings differently than they treated you, and where you fell in the birth order. How did you do in school, and how was it navigating social circles back then?

Come on, give me a little bit of your story, from those early days up to now. Did you finish school? What kind of career did you aim for, and what led you to where you are today?

Harold Phillips54 said:I didn't catch any of your posts from last year, so I'm pretty curious.
How did your family's lack of care actually show up during your childhood?
What kind of kid were you? Did you have friends, or were there specific chores your parents expected you to handle—and did you actually do them? I'm also wondering if they treated your siblings differently than they treated you, and where you fell in the birth order. How did you do in school, and how was it navigating social circles back then?

Come on, give me a little bit of your story, from those early days up to now. Did you finish school? What kind of career did you aim for, and what led you to where you are today?

I already covered all that last year, and I don't want to just go in circles click.

Just let me add a few things...
I'm the oldest, and my sister was always the "golden child" while I was always the one "causing trouble"... mostly because they couldn't control me like they could her, since I tend to think for myself. I finished college, though the major doesn't really matter... I can't find a job mainly because I don't have any connections, and honestly, the economy in the US right now is just tough...

Yeah, I actually just hopped onto your profile a moment ago to take a look.

That’s what I figured—you're the firstborn.
Please don't think I'm trying to shift the blame for your struggles onto you; that's absolutely not my intention, nor is it even possible. Regardless of how they started, it's the parents' job to notice these things and handle them with the right approach.
Look, I was the second child—I had an older brother—and throughout my childhood, I always got a free pass. Being the younger, smaller one meant I always had fewer responsibilities, and honestly, I took full advantage of that. I have two kids of my own now, and it was the same story there—my younger son always seemed to have the privileges. Now, mind you, those are parental mistakes; it shouldn't happen, but it does. I didn't realize at the time that it was wrong; I just thought as long as I loved both kids equally, it was fine. But this creates all sorts of distortions in a child's development. The privileged child learns they can push boundaries, while the other child senses the unfairness of the system. It emotionally suffocates them. If parents catch their mistakes early enough, everything can be fixed.
I think what you really need is some deep psychoanalysis—a good psychologist who can trace everything from your earliest memories up to the present day. Not a psychiatrist. They mostly just throw pills at you.
As for work... look, I'm a firm believer that when you're unemployed, you need to grab whatever brings in a few dollars, even if it's a low-paying gig. You can always hunt for something better while you're doing it. Just by getting out of the house and sticking to an eight-hour workday, your mindset starts to shift. You begin to recognize your own value because every day you prove to yourself that you're capable and useful, which is the foundation of building self-confidence.
There isn't quite enough information here to draw any definitive conclusions, no matter how much you've shared, because this is only your side of the story—a one-sided view of the problem. Don't take this the wrong way, but it feels to me like because you lack self-belief, you tend to interpret everything through a negative lens.
You finished college. Your tuition had to be paid, and they had to look after you while you were studying. To me, that suggests your parents do have enough love for you; they might just not know how to show it or express it properly. Moving out of your childhood home won't help you if you don't resolve these emotional depths first. And most likely, those issues began the moment your sister was born. I'd guess that's where it started. Try reflecting on that. Everything else is just layers that have built up over the years.

Don't take this as a personal attack. Playing the victim—complaining about how cruel life is being to you—isn't going to help. If you don't understand why this all started and try to grasp the reasons behind your parents' reactions at various points in time, you'll never truly break free from the state you're in.

That was a really solid post you put together. I didn't take it as an attack at all, and honestly, it’s good to get some insight into how another parent processes things. 🙂

I mean, my parents probably love me... if they didn't, I’d likely be out on the streets by now.

My main issue is just that I let my emotions get the better of me sometimes. If I had just waited a couple of days to cool off, I probably wouldn't even be starting these threads in the first place. I know I come across as pretty negative, but that's just what's on my mind in the moment... once I vent it all out here on the forum, it feels a bit lighter and I can move on.

I definitely haven't been the same person since last year, but there's still a lot of work to do... I'm still young, just trying to figure life out. 🙂

Still, I just don't get why there's such tension with that side of the family. They go out of their way to avoid me... but whatever, I'm done stressing over them. I think I'll just start avoiding them first!

Scott Roberts3 said:Is that one by Susan Forward? I read her stuff in English, and man, it’s a great book.

I saw so much of myself in those pages... what really helped was finally realizing the issue wasn't me. It was them. They were my parents; they were supposed to be my protectors, not the ones making my life miserable.

And regarding the whole forgiveness thing, if I remember correctly, she wrote about how you don't actually *have* to forgive to feel better... like, just forgiving someone doesn't magically fix everything.

As for me, I don't think I'll ever forgive them. They messed up big time, and that's that.🙂

Oh, come on... you're being way too generous by letting them at least provide you with a roof and food. Honestly? If I were dealing with people that toxic, I wouldn't stay under the same roof for even a single day...

Scott Roberts3 said:That was a really solid post you put together. I didn't take it as an attack at all, and honestly, it’s good to get some insight into how another parent processes things. 🙂

I mean, my parents probably love me... if they didn't, I’d likely be out on the streets by now.

My main issue is just that I let my emotions get the better of me sometimes. If I had just waited a couple of days to cool off, I probably wouldn't even be starting these threads in the first place. I know I come across as pretty negative, but that's just what's on my mind in the moment... once I vent it all out here on the forum, it feels a bit lighter and I can move on.

I definitely haven't been the same person since last year, but there's still a lot of work to do... I'm still young, just trying to figure life out. 🙂

Still, I just don't get why there's such tension with that side of the family. They go out of their way to avoid me... but whatever, I'm done stressing over them. I think I'll just start avoiding them first!

That’s actually pretty straightforward when you look at it. You've basically built a reputation as the "troubled kid." Between being extra, struggling to fit in, and the way you communicate... people see you through the lens of those interactions, not who you truly are deep down. It sounds like you might have wrapped yourself in this tough, unapproachable shell, and they either don't realize it's there or they've forgotten what's underneath. Don't sit around waiting for them to peel back the layers to see what's inside; you have to be the one to step out of that shell and show them who you really feel you are. Show them that you're vulnerable, that you want connection, attention, and just some normal conversation. Your inner circle—your mom, your relatives—they're all just as scared of being disappointed as you are. In situations like this, people build up these defensive walls to protect themselves from you and from the pain of being hurt again. That cycle will keep going until they finally realize that you aren't the person they perceive, but the person you've kept hidden. And they won't see that unless you decide to show them.

I’m not going to just forgive and forget, because honestly, it’s not okay for a ten-year-old to be insulted and belittled like that, regardless of what kind of issues they're dealing with. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be a jerk to them. It's only natural that I'll accept the housing and whatever else they're offering... I'm not out of my mind.

@HaroldPhillips54
Yeah, that all sounds great on paper, but how am I supposed to start any kind of normal conversation when they won't even give me a nod? They just turn their backs and walk right past me like I'm invisible. If I'm the one to say hello first, they'll acknowledge me and then that's it—the conversation is over. It's not quite that simple, otherwise I wouldn't be having this issue in the first place...

How I finally settled things with my neighbor.
I wasn't even in the wrong here—she was the one who started the drama—and we didn't speak for years, at least not until I decided to be the one to step up and start a conversation.
Pride really can kill any chance of moving forward.
My advice? Just try. Reach out, strike up a chat, and show through both your words and your actions that you’re someone they can trust. That doesn't mean everything will magically fix itself overnight or that they’ll welcome you back with open arms immediately—building trust is a long haul, much longer than it takes to lose it. If you're willing to swallow your pride and carry that weight, it might just be worth it. Of course, there are no guarantees; people are different. Some are open to making amends, while others stay stubborn and closed off for their entire lives. But if you don't at least try, you'll never truly know.

I think it’s worth giving it a shot.

But honestly, I haven't even been at odds with them... we just haven't spoken in years. It’s been this way since I was a kid, really. They always seemed to push me to the periphery, kind of sidelining me from everyone else.

Communication is a two-way street, you know? If I'm the only one putting in the work, there's really no point...
I'm not about to go chasing after them, begging or playing nice just to "fix" things.
My mindset is pretty simple: if they don't accept me now, they probably never will.

At the very least, I'll try talking to my parents for now, and I guess that's something... 🙂

There are a few people trying to drag me down lately, you know? It’s subtle, almost like they’re mocking me behind my back, just teaming up to target me... In the past, stuff like this would have really gotten to me, but honestly, now it just looks pathetic. My self-confidence is in a different place these days, so I truly couldn't care less what anyone thinks about me. They don't seem to get the hint, though. It’s always some insecure type who needs to belittle someone else just to feel a little bit better about themselves... meanwhile, I just stay calm and act like I don't even notice what's happening 😁, which seems to drive them absolutely crazy. :klap:

Keep your chin up and don't let those patients get under your skin. I’ve got some absolute idiots living under my roof—my old man is a patient himself, and my mom basically follows him around just to feel important, the selfish coward. Ever since he quit drinking about 15 years ago, he’s been this massive depressive, negative cloud—basically a walking killjoy. I live on my own floor, so we aren't constantly bumping into each other, but whenever we talk, it’s just the same old "why isn't this done this way" or "what about that," blah blah blah. He barely moves from his spot, maybe once a month at most.
He tries his hardest to convince me I'm a total failure (especially since he couldn't even finish high school—failed freshman year), but honestly? I’m more than happy with how my life turned out. Married for five years, running my own business that's actually doing great despite how messed up things are these days, and I know my stuff. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to work—unlike him, who'd call a handyman just to change a lightbulb—and it clearly eats him up that I'm actually succeeding. Anyway, I'm well past 30 now, so... those patients of yours aren't going to change, period. Don't waste your breath trying to help them.
My whole story is long, so to keep it short... these people are just insecure losers who hate everyone (including themselves). They trash others just to try and feel a little more worthy. Mine used to talk shit about me constantly—saying I was unreliable and all that crap. A good slap would probably fix him, but whatever.
Bottom line: hang in there and don't let them win. Prioritize yourself and stop giving a damn about morons who have dead-end lives. They’re basically walking corpses—keep your distance instead of trying to be friendly.
Later.🙂

Scott Roberts3 said:The title isn't great, honestly. I thought about posting this under the 'Toxic Parents' thread, but my issue actually extends to the whole family. Writing this out just helps me vent a little, and I could really use some input from you guys too. 🙂

Last year, I posted about how my parents treated me poorly while I was growing up... the thread was called Enough is enough.

A lot has changed for me over the past year. I’m not dealing with depression or anxiety like I used to. But what still eats at me is how they act toward me—that total lack of respect. They’re so stuck-up that they won't even say hello or look me in the eye... it’s obvious they’re actively avoiding me. Yet, when they’re around others, they play these roles perfectly. Such actors.

My mom spent a good chunk of this year fighting with the rest of the family. She wouldn't leave the house for two months straight. I actually stepped in to help mediate and get everyone back on speaking terms... but the second she made peace with them, her attitude toward me flipped again. It’s like I don't exist to her anymore. Now I just feel like a complete fool for helping someone who couldn't care less about me 👎.

They have zero respect for me. They just expect me to take it all, pretend everything is fine, and stay the "good, obedient kid"... I guess I've somewhat come to terms with the fact that they might never truly accept me, since they haven't for the last 25 years... but I still feel stupid helping them out, even though I can't just sit around doing nothing all day.

Right now, I'm mostly frustrated with my dad. He never taught me anything useful, and he isn't going to start now... meanwhile, the rest of the family just sits there criticizing me for not knowing things. I don't know how much longer I can keep my cool, because this is just ridiculous.

My theory? My old man is just scared of losing his "alpha" status—even though Mom is clearly the one in charge and he isn't—so he tries to keep me looking incompetent to maintain control.

Anyway, that's where things stand right now 🙂
And please, spare me the "get a job and move out" comments. Trust me, I know that would be the best move, but right now, it's just not an option.

You definitely need to create some distance, but I think the priority should be emotional and mental detachment. While moving away physically would be amazing, it shouldn't be treated as a strict requirement for your sanity. Honestly, the best move is to stop initiating any kind of communication with them altogether. Just focus on living your own life and ignore them as much as you possibly can. Stick to that approach until a real opportunity to relocate finally presents itself.

The truth is, you can't change them, and frankly, you shouldn't try to.

Quincy:

I don't even know where to start with this one—it’s just... yeah. I guess I'm just going to say it. Honestly, everything about this situation feels completely off. It’s like, you think you have a handle on things, right? You think you know how the world works, and then—bam—everything just hits the fan all at once. I mean, maybe I'm being too dramatic, but it really feels like we're just spinning our wheels here. It's frustrating, I guess. Just a total mess. kaže: So, I finally did it—graduated college. Honestly, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it actually happened, you know? It feels like just yesterday I was staring at a syllabus thinking there was no way I’d make it through, and now... well, here we are. I guess the whole thing is done. It’s weird, though—you spend all these years grinding away, fueled by nothing but caffeine and questionable life choices, and then suddenly the finish line appears and you're just standing there wondering what comes next. Maybe I'll celebrate, maybe I'll just sleep for a week straight. Probably both.

Alexander Thompson

I don't even know where to start with this one—honestly, I kind of just want to vent because everything feels like such a mess lately. It’s like... I don't know, maybe I'm just overthinking things, but it feels like every single thing that could go sideways actually does. Just one thing after another, you know? I guess I should probably just take a breath or something, but it’s hard when it feels like the whole world is just pushing back against you at once. It's exhausting, really. Just... yeah. Total chaos. kaže: I mean, obviously I’m gonna take the place—and whatever else they're throwing in—I'm not exactly crazy, you know?

I mean, obviously—what kind of parasite is actually gonna just walk away from a free ride? That doesn't even make sense. It’s way better to just keep clinging to the host... I guess.