Why my relationships always fail

I want to get this off my chest, and I’ll try to keep it brief, but why does every single one of my relationships—every attempt at one—just crash and burn? It always comes down to the same thing: my introversion and my damn analytical brain.
Take this guy, for example. Let's call him Mark. We go out on two or three dates, and I actually like him. He’s good-looking, charismatic, he wants a serious relationship, he shows interest...
And that’s exactly when my brain starts spiraling. I’ve never dated a guy named Mark before... so I start thinking about Mark Twain... then I get obsessed with reading his stuff. Or maybe Saint Mark... so I ask him if he’s ever been to Venice. I love visiting Venice. Then I start planning this massive trip because I’ve been there a bunch of times but never with a boyfriend. For the next two weeks, I’m deep in a rabbit hole researching Venetian architecture, the history of the Republic of Venice... You see how it goes. Suddenly, I realize I’ve never actually followed the Venice Film Festival, so now I’m binge-watching award-winning movies from the festival. Why did this movie win over that one? Let me check out the rest of the winners... I end up heading in a hundred different directions, and I give the actual guy almost zero attention. He eventually pulls away, or I catch him cheating... which leads me to start buying books on the psychology of infidelity... "Wow, this psychologist is brilliant, let me see what else he’s written," so I buy his entire bibliography. Meanwhile, the guy feels like I’m not even physically there. He ends up looking for an exit from a relationship where he's miserable because while he was trying to build something with me, I was busy analyzing Venetian cinema, history, psychology, and the life of Mark Twain.
The next guy is named Peter... nice name. Like Peter the Great. I suddenly decide I really want to visit St. Petersburg... and then I remember I haven't read Anna Karenina in ages, and since I loved that book, I start reading it. It blows my mind, so I decide I need to tackle War and Peace, so I start watching YouTube reviews of the book. "Man, this reviewer is great, she recommended some works I might like," so I head to the bookstore to pick them up... The setting is in Norway... Now I’m interested in Norway and Scandinavian mythology. I buy an encyclopedia on Norse myths. Then I remember my uncle moved to Norway to live, so maybe I should visit him since I’ve never been... And of course, Peter leaves me too. It’s the same story with every guy I've ever had. They all reach the same conclusion: "I wanted you, I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted love and attention, I gave you chances, I stayed, but you were lost in your books and your own thoughts... you're frigid, we barely have sex." That's just how my brain functions when I'm alone. I'll watch a play at the theater and immediately start dissecting the performance, the acting, the actors' biographies, the costumes... Why on earth was this actress cast? She's terrible! Where are the better actors? Then I get interested in the theater itself, drama, tragedy, comedy... I start reading about ancient Greek theater, researching the history of ancient Greece, reading Antigone and The Odyssey, pondering the meaning of life, time, immortality, symbolism... It holds me back from socializing, too. When people are talking about everyday stuff or normal problems, my brain just drifts off. I start thinking about stars, galaxies, geography, history... wondering if I should just stay single or find someone just as weird as I am.

Where our conscious thoughts wander can lead to some pretty fascinating conversations, I suppose, but letting obsessive thoughts take the wheel? That’s just destructive when you're trying to build any kind of meaningful relationship.

Shared interests definitely make a bond stronger, but even at an American Historical Association convention, historians don't spend every waking second talking about history.

Maybe try keeping your own hobbies separate from your partner's—it might actually make everyone a little happier.

Harold Chavez6 said:Where our conscious thoughts wander can lead to some pretty fascinating conversations, I suppose, but letting obsessive thoughts take the wheel? That’s just destructive when you're trying to build any kind of meaningful relationship.

Shared interests definitely make a bond stronger, but even at an American Historical Association convention, historians don't spend every waking second talking about history.

Maybe try keeping your own hobbies separate from your partner's—it might actually make everyone a little happier.

👍 nice one, pretty spot on

Honestly, this whole thing is such a massive issue for me because I’ve been wired this way for as long as I can remember. I live in Washington, D.C., and even if I’m just walking from my place toward downtown, I’m constantly obsessing over the buildings and the shops I pass by. I’ll see a building and immediately think, "Okay, this went up in this specific year," or "A famous American author used to live right here," and I’ll spend the rest of the walk spiraling, trying to imagine what their daily life was actually like. And don't even get me started on when I travel abroad. If I decide to visit a place like Italy, I turn into a total history nerd. I’ll spend months deep-diving into everything about the country. I'll obsess over the Roman Empire, then the Roman Republic, then the life of Julius Caesar, the architecture of the Colosseum, the movement for Italian unification, and even the psychology behind Benito Mussolini. I'll end up binge-watching their films and researching the entire history of Italian cinema, or looking into Romulus and which years certain battles were won. Then, I’ll sit down in some restaurant in Washington, D.C. to order food, and I see "Lasagna" spelled as "Lazagne" on the menu, and I just lose it. Like, how could they possibly write "Lazagne" when the correct spelling is clearly Lasagna? Who is even writing these menus? Why don't they hire someone who actually knows the language to get the names right? Back in the day, I would have actually sent them an email to let them know they messed up. Lately, though, I've just given up. I realized I was getting way too caught up in all the drama, and after sending countless emails to various organizations and people trying to fix everyone else's mistakes, I realized it's just not worth the headache.

feralharbor13 said:Honestly, this whole thing is such a massive issue for me because I’ve been wired this way for as long as I can remember. I live in Washington, D.C., and even if I’m just walking from my place toward downtown, I’m constantly obsessing over the buildings and the shops I pass by. I’ll see a building and immediately think, "Okay, this went up in this specific year," or "A famous American author used to live right here," and I’ll spend the rest of the walk spiraling, trying to imagine what their daily life was actually like. And don't even get me started on when I travel abroad. If I decide to visit a place like Italy, I turn into a total history nerd. I’ll spend months deep-diving into everything about the country. I'll obsess over the Roman Empire, then the Roman Republic, then the life of Julius Caesar, the architecture of the Colosseum, the movement for Italian unification, and even the psychology behind Benito Mussolini. I'll end up binge-watching their films and researching the entire history of Italian cinema, or looking into Romulus and which years certain battles were won. Then, I’ll sit down in some restaurant in Washington, D.C. to order food, and I see "Lasagna" spelled as "Lazagne" on the menu, and I just lose it. Like, how could they possibly write "Lazagne" when the correct spelling is clearly Lasagna? Who is even writing these menus? Why don't they hire someone who actually knows the language to get the names right? Back in the day, I would have actually sent them an email to let them know they messed up. Lately, though, I've just given up. I realized I was getting way too caught up in all the drama, and after sending countless emails to various organizations and people trying to fix everyone else's mistakes, I realized it's just not worth the headache.

Maybe you should look into issues with hyperfocus. Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't scoured the web for info already; there are endless articles and books on the subject. You aren't alone in this, either. In just the few minutes I spent searching, I saw how many people struggle with the inability to lock onto a single topic or maintain focus. Did you finish school? What was your study process like back then? Are you working now? How do you manage to concentrate on tasks at the office? If those things work fine, then try applying those same techniques to your personal life. By the way, here is an article with some tips on maintaining concentration right here. 🙂

You’ve definitely had your fair share of good luck in life so far!
I can't help but wonder—what if you had crossed paths with someone like Adolf, Joseph, Jack, Jesus, or even George Girolamo...

I tried the whole college thing, but I always struggled. I just get way too obsessed with things; once something catches my eye, I dive down the rabbit hole until I know everything. If it’s history, I’m deep-diving into some historical figure's entire biography. If an era grabs me, I’m researching everything from the fashion and culture to the specific flags used and the symbolism behind the colors. It was a mess back in high school because I was interested in basically everything except the hard sciences. Choosing a major was a nightmare. I kept switching paths because everything felt too shallow or boring if I couldn't obsess over it. Picking one thing and sticking to it? Impossible. And get this—you don't even get English Lit classes at most universities unless you're specifically an English major, and I live for books. So, I’d be sitting in class, reading something incredible on the side, and realize the book is infinitely more interesting than the lecture. Naturally, I’d fail my exams because my mind was elsewhere. Long story short, I finished a degree, but now I’m stuck in a job that doesn't make me happy at all. My lack of focus has wrecked a lot of my relationships, too. It’s pathetic, really. I’ll run into a friend I’ve known for twenty years, and after thirty minutes of listening to her drone on about her job or her family or just basic daily nonsense, I suddenly realize how much she's actually boring me. Honestly, I’d have been better off staying home with a good book. I can barely force myself to see people once every few months. To me, most socializing feels like a massive waste of time. I hate that mindless "how are you" and "what's new" small talk. Like, why am I sitting here listening to someone recap their life when I could be learning about the rich history of England or France, or diving into Greek mythology? People started avoiding me, or I just pulled away myself. Now, I’ve got maybe two people I can stand to see, and even then, I have to dose it out. Socializing for too long just drains me. If I go on a five-day trip with a group, I’m the one bringing books or hitting up museums while everyone else just sits there acting like they aren't even there. I was always the black sheep, both in my family and in school. Kids used to mock me because while everyone else was out drinking, blasting pop hits, or hitting the clubs, I was busy researching dinosaur evolution, the development of Latin, or ancient Celtic influences in the Middle East and their animal symbolism. It’s hard to find anyone who actually wants to give me a chance. After three or four hangouts, people realize I don't party, I don't care about clubbing, and I don't listen to mainstream music. They just decide I'm "boring" and move on. Even dating was a disaster. Every guy I dated either cheated or was texting other girls on the side because they felt invisible when they were with me. Almost every single one said the same thing: "When I'm with you, it feels like I don't even exist." Then I feel guilty, so I try to pour all my energy into the relationship, but I can only hold out for about a month before something else becomes more interesting again. And then, we break up.

Most people honestly just bore the hell out of me. I’ll be sitting in a restaurant, grabbing coffee, or traveling, and I can't help but think: My God, these people are sitting here rambling about absolute nonsense while Leonardo da Vinci was busy painting masterpieces and Dostoevsky was pouring his soul into books that actually gave something to humanity. And what have these people contributed? Absolutely nothing. So yeah, people don't exactly adore me either. They see me as cold, distant, and totally unapproachable.

You’re smart, but you don't have much of an ego.
It’s a weird combo when it comes to hanging out, I guess. Most people mostly connect through their egos—it isn't even about what's being said, really. They just want you to say things that make them feel important.
So, in my opinion, maybe you should work on loving yourself a bit more. You know, like, let yourself feel more, lean into the emotions... focus more on the vibe and less on the actual substance.

feralharbor13 said:Most people honestly just bore the hell out of me. I’ll be sitting in a restaurant, grabbing coffee, or traveling, and I can't help but think: My God, these people are sitting here rambling about absolute nonsense while Leonardo da Vinci was busy painting masterpieces and Dostoevsky was pouring his soul into books that actually gave something to humanity. And what have these people contributed? Absolutely nothing. So yeah, people don't exactly adore me either. They see me as cold, distant, and totally unapproachable.

Well, that’s kind of how you come across, I suppose. It's like if you were hanging out with a physicist and you start talking about Dostoevsky and Avogadro. I mean, the whole point of talking is to actually connect, not like 🙂 this 😒 instead of
.

John Palmer9 said:Well, that’s kind of how you come across, I suppose. It's like if you were hanging out with a physicist and you start talking about Dostoevsky and Avogadro. I mean, the whole point of talking is to actually connect, not like 🙂 this 😒 instead of
.

Her issue is that she 🙂 gets bored so fast. It's because she's shallow, I guess. She doesn't have an ego, or rather, there's no drive to feed her own ego

Look, I don't feed my ego and I sure as hell don't go hunting for validation from other people—which, honestly, feels like everyone else's entire personality these days. We’re living in this massive culture of ego-stroking. That’s why social media is such a circus; all those selfies, the desperate hunt for likes, checking follower counts... it’s all completely irrelevant to me. I don't care about posting my own life on socials (I have a few accounts, but whatever), and I definitely don't spend my time scrolling through them. It's mind-boggling to me how people sit there for an hour straight on Instagram, obsessing over who went where, what someone ate, or where some influencer is vacationing. Most people just function like that now. To them, I'm probably boring. And when it comes to relationships? My idea of an ideal connection is seeing each other maybe three times a week. Everyone needs their own space. I want two independent people who choose to be together because they actually enjoy it, not because they're codependent. But the guys I deal with? They always want these suffocating, symbiotic setups. They want us together every single day, doing everything together, acting like I don't have a life outside of them. It's like dealing with a toddler who throws a fit if Mom isn't home from work right on schedule. I've had guys literally cry on me because I suggested we wait three days to hang out. They act like I don't care at all, or they start hallucinating that I'm seeing someone else. It’s especially pathetic when it happens at the start of a relationship. Like, seriously? I've known you for twenty days and you're already acting like you can't breathe without me?

Look, your issue is you’re way too focused on the actual content. You really need to learn how to just speak instinctively, I guess. Let the words come straight from your gut rather than overthinking it.
It basically means you should just say how you feel instead of constantly holding back and trying to be all rational about everything.

feralharbor13 said:Look, I don't feed my ego and I sure as hell don't go hunting for validation from other people—which, honestly, feels like everyone else's entire personality these days. We’re living in this massive culture of ego-stroking. That’s why social media is such a circus; all those selfies, the desperate hunt for likes, checking follower counts... it’s all completely irrelevant to me. I don't care about posting my own life on socials (I have a few accounts, but whatever), and I definitely don't spend my time scrolling through them. It's mind-boggling to me how people sit there for an hour straight on Instagram, obsessing over who went where, what someone ate, or where some influencer is vacationing. Most people just function like that now. To them, I'm probably boring. And when it comes to relationships? My idea of an ideal connection is seeing each other maybe three times a week. Everyone needs their own space. I want two independent people who choose to be together because they actually enjoy it, not because they're codependent. But the guys I deal with? They always want these suffocating, symbiotic setups. They want us together every single day, doing everything together, acting like I don't have a life outside of them. It's like dealing with a toddler who throws a fit if Mom isn't home from work right on schedule. I've had guys literally cry on me because I suggested we wait three days to hang out. They act like I don't care at all, or they start hallucinating that I'm seeing someone else. It’s especially pathetic when it happens at the start of a relationship. Like, seriously? I've known you for twenty days and you're already acting like you can't breathe without me?

Most people in relationships naturally want to hang out with their "other half" more often than your standard of three times a week. So, they end up sending those "I miss you" texts and things like that. I suppose if you weren't actually feeling the absence, you wouldn't feel the need to send a text saying you miss them.🤷

It takes a lot more than just a little bit of distance for me to actually miss someone... I’m talking deep nostalgia, longing, that heavy sense of yearning. If something—or someone—is always around or constantly in my orbit, I'm not going to miss them. You need absence. You need that gut feeling that time is moving on and they just aren't there anymore. So yeah, whatever, I rarely tell guys "I miss you." If we saw each other yesterday or even the day before, I'm not gonna say it just because people think it's some romantic necessity. Usually, I don't start missing my exes until a few months after a breakup hits, when I get hit by a wave of sentimentality or life just pulls me in a different direction. Like, if I'm sitting on a beach somewhere, maybe down in Malibu, and I suddenly wish he was right there next to me... then I guess I miss him.

Just hang tight until you find someone who matches your vibe.

Try spending a day imagining you are the first person on Earth. There is nothing. Then, suddenly, a guy named Mark appears, then a girl, and eventually, people start populating your universe. There is no history; there is only your reality. Just a few individuals, or however many. The next day, you spend your time studying whatever interests you. Is it certain that you would be happier on that second day?

So I met this girl named Mia. Apparently, she was hanging out with Mark at the stadium during the big game, and honestly? She was great—total vibe. Then, being an idiot, I decided to Google "Mia Khalifa" to see if there was some connection. I click the link and suddenly... my own interest in Mia completely vanished.

That’s a hell of a question to chew on... honestly, it probably just comes down to what kind of people they are and if they’d actually be interesting enough to keep my attention. I spend a massive amount of time spiraling into these deep, isolated thoughts—like I’m the last person left on Earth or stranded on some desert island starting from scratch. I get lost in all this heavy stuff about the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve, the first sin, Cain and Abel... I’ve always been obsessed with those kinds of stories and all that intense symbolism. Then, usually, Peter goes and screws me over, and suddenly I’m spiraling into thoughts about Sodom and Gomorrah, being cast out of paradise, or diving into Dantean Inferno to map out which circle of hell everyone belongs in. I’ll jump from thinking about the betrayal and massacre of the Romanov family to analyzing the infidelity in Anna Karenina, or even scrolling through some celebrity scandal like that Severinian affair on a yacht. Poor Peter—he was trying to have sex with me twice a week, and apparently, it just wasn't enough for him. When my relationships start hitting the skids, I get so stressed and scattered that I just retreat into these different personas. I find myself wondering how much chaos Anna Karenina felt, or how Jennifer Aniston must have felt when Brad dumped her for Angelina. Then I’ll end up watching Friends—I haven't even watched it in ten years—while Peter is at home crying, begging me to make up, while I’m totally checked out, losing my mind and obsessing over the tragic downfall of Romeo and Juliet or the Odyssean betrayals in Troy... meanwhile, he just wanted some attention and a girlfriend who was actually present and warm. My exes were all pathetic; they’d all fall into deep depressions trying to win me back, but once my heart sinks, I just build a wall around myself. I'll spend an entire month straight researching the history of global fortifications and how many layers of walls Constantinople had before the Ottomans finally broke through.

Your currents of consciousness are truly striking; I can certainly see how you manage to capture the interest of all those guys. However, I find myself wondering what the ultimate value is if, in the end, your psyche remains as impenetrable as the walls of Fort Knox.

It occurs to me that you might be dealing with some form of attention deficit, and perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to sit down for a chat with a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Maybe there is a middle ground you could find—something where you might be able to preserve that insatiable curiosity of yours without letting it become so obsessive that it begins to compromise other vital areas of your life.

As far as romantic relationships are concerned, I suspect there are certain loners out there who deeply value their peace and privacy; they would likely prefer a girlfriend they see just two or three times a week, leaving the rest of their time to dedicate to their careers or personal hobbies. I suppose I am not entirely sure where one might go to find them, though.