Besties for life

rustymaker5 said:Maybe it’s like those Hollywood movies where you can just call them up at 3:30 in the morning and they’ll drive halfway across the state just because you're having a breakdown; or maybe you snap at them and tell them to get lost, but they just sense you're in a bad mood and give you your space without making a scene; or you find some incredible designer vintage piece while traveling abroad and you immediately want to borrow it, then you end up ruining it with a cigarette burn, but instead of blowing up, they just shrug it off and lend you something even more rare and expensive that they haven't even worn yet; they know every single one of your darkest secrets and guard them like the FBI; they’ve always got your back, and if they have to criticize you, they do it patiently and strictly behind closed doors; when you lash out, they know you don't actually mean it, so they're always ready to answer when you call again; they're willing to drop everything and be there for you even if it completely wrecks their own weekend plans......🤷...in the movies, that kind of stuff seems amazing, but I've honestly never met anyone like that in real life... and let's be honest, I'm probably not that kind of person either, at least not for the long haul...🙄

That sounds completely unrealistic.😁

I think those "best friends" in movies are a bit much. Maybe it's because I'm more of a "figure it out yourself" type rather than someone who calls a friend at 2:00 AM. I usually just end up burying my face in a pillow and dealing with it alone.

A "friend" who drops everything the second you call and puts their whole life on hold for you... that's just how you spoil someone. If I had a friend like that, I’d be the first one to tell them to "get a life."

Indeed. It is quite glaringly apparent that there is a distinct lack of close confidants here, and the subject matter remains strictly business, leaving no room for anything else.🤷

Don't be like that. Why don't we just invite all the women here who actually have those perfect, ride-or-die best friends to step up and describe what that life is even like... just so the rest of us can sit here and choke on the jealousy... 😛

Moving away for college really opened my eyes to how much the whole "best friend" thing is just relative, especially when you're talking about girl groups... I was always the one reaching out first, sending the texts or emails, trying to keep us connected... but a few months back, it finally hit me that those were just high school friendships that only worked because we lived in the same neighborhood.
Honestly, my guy is my best friend right now. He’s always there whenever I need someone to lean on, even though he’s also away at university in a different city... That's the kind of friend who actually cares about you—they'll show up no matter what, regardless of the distance or whatever else gets in the way.🙂

rustymaker5 said:Maybe it’s like those Hollywood movies where you can just call them up at 3:30 in the morning and they’ll drive halfway across the state just because you're having a breakdown; or maybe you snap at them and tell them to get lost, but they just sense you're in a bad mood and give you your space without making a scene; or you find some incredible designer vintage piece while traveling abroad and you immediately want to borrow it, then you end up ruining it with a cigarette burn, but instead of blowing up, they just shrug it off and lend you something even more rare and expensive that they haven't even worn yet; they know every single one of your darkest secrets and guard them like the FBI; they’ve always got your back, and if they have to criticize you, they do it patiently and strictly behind closed doors; when you lash out, they know you don't actually mean it, so they're always ready to answer when you call again; they're willing to drop everything and be there for you even if it completely wrecks their own weekend plans......🤷...in the movies, that kind of stuff seems amazing, but I've honestly never met anyone like that in real life... and let's be honest, I'm probably not that kind of person either, at least not for the long haul...🙄

That isn't my definition of a best friend. Sorry. If someone just puts up with all my nonsense and every single whim without question—that’s not a friend, that’s just someone you can push around.

And it's not this either:

rustymaker5 said:Maybe it’s like those Hollywood movies where you can just call them up at 3:30 in the morning and they’ll drive halfway across the state just because you're having a breakdown; or maybe you snap at them and tell them to get lost, but they just sense you're in a bad mood and give you your space without making a scene; or you find some incredible designer vintage piece while traveling abroad and you immediately want to borrow it, then you end up ruining it with a cigarette burn, but instead of blowing up, they just shrug it off and lend you something even more rare and expensive that they haven't even worn yet; they know every single one of your darkest secrets and guard them like the FBI; they’ve always got your back, and if they have to criticize you, they do it patiently and strictly behind closed doors; when you lash out, they know you don't actually mean it, so they're always ready to answer when you call again; they're willing to drop everything and be there for you even if it completely wrecks their own weekend plans......🤷...in the movies, that kind of stuff seems amazing, but I've honestly never met anyone like that in real life... and let's be honest, I'm probably not that kind of person either, at least not for the long haul...🙄

I’d much rather have someone tell me the cold, hard truth than have them just nodding along with "yeah, yeah, yeah."

🤷

Christian Wells6 said:Indeed. It is quite glaringly apparent that there is a distinct lack of close confidants here, and the subject matter remains strictly business, leaving no room for anything else.🤷

What makes you say that?
I personally have two wonderful women I consider lifelong friends. We've known each other forever, we've always had each other's backs through thick and thin, and if nothing else has pulled us apart, nothing will... luckily, we haven't shared the same taste in men, and looking at how things are going, we certainly won't...🙂

So, what does it actually look like when two women are truly friends? Beyond those "superficial" fun parts that just decorate a relationship—like going out, joking around, little gifts, or silly antics—to me, it means so much more. It’s cooking together or heading to a Sunday brunch... it's being there when one needs help finding work, where one sees a job posting in the paper and lets the other know immediately, then heads to the interview and calls right after... it's when one gets sick and the other shows up with homemade soup, fruit, and vitamins... it's being able to talk about relationship troubles... it's being able to tell each other, "You know I love you dearly, but I honestly want to smack some sense into you because you're being an idiot." 😁"...I don't know, you don't need to see each other constantly (goodness, we're busy people and usually only see each other on weekends!), nor do you need to be on the phone every second, but you know you can cry to her over the phone, or call her just to say you were a total moron $1000 while running errands at Target, just to vent, and none of that feels like a burden to her.

Of course, there are people who claim to be your friends but eventually let you down, but please, let's not fall into the trap of believing that "best friends" don't exist. Because they really do.

I have plenty of friends, including some truly best friends.
One of them has been by my side since we were kids in elementary school; we went through high school together, then survived college, and honestly, we’re still just as close today.

I also have two male friends, both of whom happen to be exes.

To be honest, I find it pretty exhausting when people start pushing those tired old theories—you know the ones, claiming that women can't actually be true friends or that men and women can't maintain a friendship without things getting complicated...

For anyone who actually believes that stuff, look: if you can't seem to maintain those kinds of connections, that’s on you. Just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's impossible for everyone else.

Larry Cruz51 said:What makes you say that?
I personally have two wonderful women I consider lifelong friends. We've known each other forever, we've always had each other's backs through thick and thin, and if nothing else has pulled us apart, nothing will... luckily, we haven't shared the same taste in men, and looking at how things are going, we certainly won't...🙂

So, what does it actually look like when two women are truly friends? Beyond those "superficial" fun parts that just decorate a relationship—like going out, joking around, little gifts, or silly antics—to me, it means so much more. It’s cooking together or heading to a Sunday brunch... it's being there when one needs help finding work, where one sees a job posting in the paper and lets the other know immediately, then heads to the interview and calls right after... it's when one gets sick and the other shows up with homemade soup, fruit, and vitamins... it's being able to talk about relationship troubles... it's being able to tell each other, "You know I love you dearly, but I honestly want to smack some sense into you because you're being an idiot." 😁"...I don't know, you don't need to see each other constantly (goodness, we're busy people and usually only see each other on weekends!), nor do you need to be on the phone every second, but you know you can cry to her over the phone, or call her just to say you were a total moron $1000 while running errands at Target, just to vent, and none of that feels like a burden to her.

Of course, there are people who claim to be your friends but eventually let you down, but please, let's not fall into the trap of believing that "best friends" don't exist. Because they really do.

Splendid.
Personally, I haven't the slightest clue how I would manage such a vast collection of these friends, though I never harbor the illusion that labeling someone as the 'best' is strictly necessary.

I can cook with whomever I choose, even enemies.
I seek employment from my neighbors.
I prepare soup for a chronic alcoholic who is nobody's friend, least of all his own.
I can discuss relationship woes with a total stranger; in fact, that is often the most rational approach.
To me, calling someone to gossip about shopping trips is quite the nuisance.

None of that, my dear, has anything to do with friendship.

Christian Wells6 said:Splendid.
Personally, I haven't the slightest clue how I would manage such a vast collection of these friends, though I never harbor the illusion that labeling someone as the 'best' is strictly necessary.

I can cook with whomever I choose, even enemies.
I seek employment from my neighbors.
I prepare soup for a chronic alcoholic who is nobody's friend, least of all his own.
I can discuss relationship woes with a total stranger; in fact, that is often the most rational approach.
To me, calling someone to gossip about shopping trips is quite the nuisance.

None of that, my dear, has anything to do with friendship.

I believe you when you say you don't have female friends. With an attitude like that, I wouldn't want to be your friend either.🙂

Larry Cruz51 said:I believe you when you say you don't have female friends. With an attitude like that, I wouldn't want to be your friend either.🙂

But that is precisely what we are discussing here, and frankly, I find the subject quite engaging. My point was simply that I intend to clarify my boundaries so that no one mistakenly assumes a level of intimacy that isn't there; I explained my reasoning, and I believe it’s a matter of maintaining integrity.

Now, truth be told, I actually have quite a few people who consider us close friends, and they seem quite resistant to my attempts to explain otherwise. Of course, I am more than willing to assist them—for instance, if someone needs help landing a role at a firm like Google, I will go above and beyond to facilitate that, which some might characterize as acting on behalf of a peer.
However, if we are being strictly honest: am I a friend? In the traditional sense, no.
And why is that?
It is because I refuse to sugarcoat reality. For example, if a colleague arrives late to the office every day or simply lacks the aptitude for certain complex tasks... well, you know the drill.

By most social definitions, I suppose I should be lying to spare their feelings.

Do you follow my drift? It isn't a "bad attitude," per se. Providing professional assistance is helpful, certainly, but it doesn't constitute friendship in the way most people understand the term. In essence, I am protecting my own reputation with well-known employers.

So, where does that leave things?

Well, I suspect I would behave in the exact same manner even if there were a romantic interest involved.

What would your approach be in such a situation? 😉

rustymaker5 said:Maybe it’s like those Hollywood movies where you can just call them up at 3:30 in the morning and they’ll drive halfway across the state just because you're having a breakdown; or maybe you snap at them and tell them to get lost, but they just sense you're in a bad mood and give you your space without making a scene; or you find some incredible designer vintage piece while traveling abroad and you immediately want to borrow it, then you end up ruining it with a cigarette burn, but instead of blowing up, they just shrug it off and lend you something even more rare and expensive that they haven't even worn yet; they know every single one of your darkest secrets and guard them like the FBI; they’ve always got your back, and if they have to criticize you, they do it patiently and strictly behind closed doors; when you lash out, they know you don't actually mean it, so they're always ready to answer when you call again; they're willing to drop everything and be there for you even if it completely wrecks their own weekend plans......🤷...in the movies, that kind of stuff seems amazing, but I've honestly never met anyone like that in real life... and let's be honest, I'm probably not that kind of person either, at least not for the long haul...🙄

I actually have a best friend exactly like that. And I play my part in the dynamic too. I’d probably go even further for her than I would for a boyfriend. We just clicked. We’re twenty, heading off to different universities, both with our own boyfriends, but we still see each other every single day—at least for coffee—and we talk several times a day. We spend a massive amount of time together. I’ve hung out with plenty of people, but I’ve never truly "connected" with anyone else quite like this. It’s just how it is.

And honestly, I think women can be far too fickle to maintain true best friendships. Most of the time, you just get brushed aside the moment some guy enters the picture. There’s a certain level of jealousy and disloyalty that just seems to run through it... But the two of us? We actually managed to find something real. I can tell when other women look at us with envy, but frankly, what can you do? You have to put in the actual work to sustain a bond like this. Maybe even more effort than we put into our romantic relationships. In fact, much more than that...

Here’s my response from that other thread.

I feel a deep sense of sadness😢 because I’m increasingly noticing that people just don't listen to one another anymore—not just to me, but in general. For instance, an acquaintance will drop by and just talk, and talk, and talk... all about her life, her boyfriend, her college classes, her endless list of problems... and then, when I try to share something about myself—say, if I'm dealing with a specific struggle—I can see her eyes glazing over. As soon as I finish speaking, she just pivots right back to: "Anyway, so I was thinking..."

It’s honestly quite disheartening.😢People seem to be getting more selfish by the day, placing themselves at the absolute center of their own universes. 😢

This is exactly what’s been happening with all these "so-called friends." They put themselves first every single time. Over the last year and a half, I've realized just how low some of these "friends" can sink—acting almost purely on instinct just to satisfy their own needs or feed their own egos, without giving even a shred of support back to anyone else... nothing, absolutely zero.

And the worst part? I ended up spiraling into deeper and deeper depressions because I spent all my energy listening, encouraging, advising, and hosting these people on a daily basis. But the moment I actually needed to say, "Hey, I'm having a hard time"... they all looked right through me. To make matters worse, I neglected my own well-being and fell into such a depression that I actually had to take a break from my studies at the university...

Eventually, though, I just said enough. No more "quasi-friends." I started putting myself first, which apparently makes me "the bad guy" because now I won't rush over the second someone starts complaining.

To be honest, men have always seemed better to me—even since I was a kid—more loyal, more sincere, less selfish... and as for best female friends, I don't have any, and frankly, I don't need the kind of people I described above.

Larry Cruz51, once you all grow up and actually mature—and reach a point where you each have your own full, independent lives—you'll finally learn how to actually listen to one another. It happens when your ego isn't constantly sitting in the driver's seat. Then again, maybe you’ll never find someone compatible enough to call a true friend... or perhaps you'll find a few.

Personally, I’ve realized that I just can't be friends with anyone who is insecure, painfully shy, or struggles with socializing and dating—mostly because I don't deal with any of that. Every single woman who isn't my friend today (thankfully, only two people!) had an issue with how open I am, which tended to attract guys. Yeah, it all boils down to men, dammit... but over the years, some truly beautiful friendships have crystallized. I have two that have stood the test of time through everything, and I'd go so far as to call them "lifelong" friends. There are also two others I've become close with recently who could become very dear friends too :-) they are all women who are quite outgoing in social settings😉 we are the😁

Larry Cruz51 said:Larry Cruz51, once you all grow up and actually mature—and reach a point where you each have your own full, independent lives—you'll finally learn how to actually listen to one another. It happens when your ego isn't constantly sitting in the driver's seat. Then again, maybe you’ll never find someone compatible enough to call a true friend... or perhaps you'll find a few.

Personally, I’ve realized that I just can't be friends with anyone who is insecure, painfully shy, or struggles with socializing and dating—mostly because I don't deal with any of that. Every single woman who isn't my friend today (thankfully, only two people!) had an issue with how open I am, which tended to attract guys. Yeah, it all boils down to men, dammit... but over the years, some truly beautiful friendships have crystallized. I have two that have stood the test of time through everything, and I'd go so far as to call them "lifelong" friends. There are also two others I've become close with recently who could become very dear friends too :-) they are all women who are quite outgoing in social settings😉 we are the😁

Perhaps we should examine this topic from the perspective of where we might be in a few years.

Is that acceptable? 😉

nimbleviper75 said:Ladies, does everyone actually have a best friend?

I don't know what the deal is, but in my 20-plus years, I haven't managed to land a single best friend. I had one back in elementary school, but she just decided one day that we weren't hanging out anymore. She never even told me why.

Then there was another towards the end of grade school, but that friendship fell apart after I told her that her boyfriend kissed me—on the cheek, mind you, and without me wanting him to!

And then another one in middle school who basically just phased me out of her life.

I'm not a drama seeker. I'm loyal, I can keep a secret, I'm a great listener, I would literally give any of them a kidney, and I actually have a sense of humor. None of those three people above had a legitimate reason to stop being friends with me (I stand by that 100%). Maybe I just bored them or something, I don't know. Or maybe I'm just looking for friends in all the wrong places. Ugh, I get the dilemmas men face. What is it that women actually want?!

I am totally willing to work on my flaws, but I honestly can't figure out where I went wrong. The only thing I can think of that might have hurt a friendship is that I'm relatively guarded. But is that really enough to ruin a whole friendship?
Am I messing up somewhere else? Or is "best friendship" just a myth and we've all been lied to?

Please, don't turn this into some "girls' night" chat. I'm looking for some more serious answers here.
Men are more than welcome to weigh in too.

I didn't bother reading through every single comment below, just yours, so bear with me 😉

But looking at your post, I don't think the problem is whether you're an introverted person or whatever... I mean, I suspect that when you have a boyfriend, you might be neglecting your girlfriends—or, to put it bluntly, maybe you're snatching guys or at least flirting with them a bit too much (I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help 😉). It seems to be something involving the guys?!

Maybe describe a bit more how close you really were—how much time did you spend together, did she trust you with her secrets and vice versa? And specifically, when exactly did the break happen with all three of them? Then we can try to figure something out, haha...

p.s. Maybe a male best friend would suit you better than a female one; that's perfectly fine. If you get along better with men, why force the "best girlfriend" thing just because everyone else does?

I have four genuine, top-tier best friends—people I’ve known for years, some for over a decade now.😉 Since I tend to be a rather reserved person—I don't exactly dominate the conversation—I don't think my social circle has anything to do with being "closed off" or just plain shy (as if being quiet somehow prevents you from making friends)... It is actually quite the opposite. Because I am not constantly talking, I have actually mastered the art of listening.😉 And then, once people realize they finally have someone who actually hears them, they suddenly become much more willing to listen to me, too...

So, basically, women are just inherently toxic, constantly looking to tear each other down instead of actually being friends.
That’s pretty grim.🙄

Christian Wells6 said:Perhaps we should examine this topic from the perspective of where we might be in a few years.

Is that acceptable? 😉

Whenever you're ready. I will be more than happy to shatter your little illusions that women are nothing but backstabbing wolves...🙂

Some people swear a woman can't have a male best friend, while others claim she can't even have a female one.
So, what's left?

A best enemy? 🙄?