Help! :)

Were you actually a natural when it came to school—like, middle school, high school, or college—or were you just grinding it out because your parents were breathing down your neck? And did they constantly compare you to those other kids in your class?

Do you play any instruments?

Where did you go? I hope we didn't scare you off with all those questions!🤷

Ugh, my bad. I totally blanked there. I don't actually have issues with anorexia—I thought I typed anxiety. How I managed to type "anorexia" again, honestly? Don't even ask me. 🙂

Anyway, back to the point: no eating disorder here. And school wasn't exactly a pressure cooker for me either. From elementary through high school, and now being at college, I’ve always just been a solid B student—pretty much middle of the pack. Though, if we're being real, I'm sliding slightly below average at university now, but whatever, I'll graduate eventually.

I guess I do remember getting picked on quite a bit back in middle school and high school.

Also, my self-esteem is basically non-existent. For example, I never really know what people actually think of me—I just instinctively assume they're thinking the absolute worst possible things about me in any given moment. 🙂

There was also this phase where the number of my exes' past partners used to drive me absolutely insane. It was totally irrational, but it hit me out of nowhere and I'd just spiral over it. I'd never dealt with that kind of thing before.

Public speaking is a struggle too. Even when it's just small groups of strangers or giving a presentation I've actually prepared for, I still trip up.

I don't play any instruments.

Blah blah blah...

Laura Murphy3 said:Ugh, my bad. I totally blanked there. I don't actually have issues with anorexia—I thought I typed anxiety. How I managed to type "anorexia" again, honestly? Don't even ask me. 🙂

Anyway, back to the point: no eating disorder here. And school wasn't exactly a pressure cooker for me either. From elementary through high school, and now being at college, I’ve always just been a solid B student—pretty much middle of the pack. Though, if we're being real, I'm sliding slightly below average at university now, but whatever, I'll graduate eventually.

I guess I do remember getting picked on quite a bit back in middle school and high school.

Also, my self-esteem is basically non-existent. For example, I never really know what people actually think of me—I just instinctively assume they're thinking the absolute worst possible things about me in any given moment. 🙂

There was also this phase where the number of my exes' past partners used to drive me absolutely insane. It was totally irrational, but it hit me out of nowhere and I'd just spiral over it. I'd never dealt with that kind of thing before.

Public speaking is a struggle too. Even when it's just small groups of strangers or giving a presentation I've actually prepared for, I still trip up.

I don't play any instruments.

Blah blah blah...

So, yeah, nothing profound there—low self-esteem is a real pain, and it just bleeds into every single part of life.
Which of your parents is the authoritarian one?

Laura Murphy3 said:Alright, look... I’m gonna try to lay out my train of thought here, because for years now, I haven't been able to wrap my head around what's actually going on with me—or even explain it to anyone else. Hopefully, someone actually sticks with this until the end.
It all kicked off when I left home and started college. I’ll keep this brief because if I tried to write down every single tiny detail, we'd be here forever. Things basically happened in order, and each phase dragged on for a while 🙂

Scenario 1.

So, at college, I meet this girl, fall for her, and eventually, we start dating. There was also this other girl at one of those big house parties—someone who was honestly really attractive, and I almost ended up with her before things went official with my girlfriend. But, I played it safe, stayed disciplined, and didn't go there. Still, I remember being drunk and things almost getting weird. A few days later, I’m walking through town with my girlfriend and I spot that other girl, and suddenly, I’m hit with this massive wave of shame. Just pure, unadulterated embarrassment. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. After running into her a couple more times, it turned into this pathological thing where I’d go out of my way to avoid her for over a year. It was constant. I couldn't figure out why I was spiraling or why I felt so incredibly gross about it. Eventually, after a year and a half, my girlfriend and I broke up—for different reasons entirely—and the very next day, I saw that other girl again, and the feeling was just... gone.

Sounds pretty trivial and harmless, right? Whatever. Let's move on.

Scenario 2.

About six months later, this random thought just pops into my head—I won't get into the specifics—asking if maybe I was gay. That spiraled into two straight years of living in a mental hellscape, constantly questioning my sexuality. I’d find myself staring at some guy, maybe someone a bit more effeminate, trying to monitor my own physical reactions. Like, *is something happening?* Is there a spark? Then I'd see him on the street the next day and that exact same sensation would hit me. This whole cycle lasted a year—just me obsessing over whether I was gay—and it peaked with this one guy where seeing him felt like the literal end of the world. Cold sweats, legs turning to jelly, total anxiety. It was the exact same visceral reaction I had with that first girl. It wasn't there at first, but after all that self-inflicted overthinking, that's where I landed. Seeing certain people just makes me feel revolted. In the meantime, I was going through this:
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php
That's the gist of it, word for word.
In the interim, girls would drift in and out of my life—nothing serious, just a little flirting here and there—but I was still terrified that I was gay underneath it all.

Scenario 3.

Then there's my friendships. I'll meet someone new or hang out with an acquaintance. Everything's cool, we have stuff in common, we joke around, etc. But then, out of nowhere, I get hit by this feeling. I don't even know how to describe it properly. Once it hits, that person becomes an obsession because I'm hit with that same sensation I described earlier. Identical. Nervousness, fear, anxiety. I start avoiding them entirely. And it just keeps jumping from one friend to another as I get closer to them. What used to be a normal, chill friendship turns into pure agony. *What if I'm attracted to them? What if this, what if that?* From that point on, I can't tell what's a real emotion and what's just my brain glitching. I'm totally lost. Honestly, this happens with most of my friends. Even acquaintances, eventually.

Scenario 4.

Finally, I meet a woman I actually like. Despite my usual baggage and how hard it is for me to build real connections, I manage to make it work. She accepts me, and things feel good. But then, one day, that same feeling hits me regarding her best friend—who also happens to be my brother's girlfriend. Same nightmare. *Do I like her? Is it this, or is it that?* Even though I've always respected her and enjoyed having her as part of the family circle, the second we get close, boom. The feeling.
I don't even know how to put this into words. Basically, everything starts with a nice feeling of liking someone, but then I freak out thinking I might like them in a romantic sense. That's the closest I can get to explaining it. Also, for instance, once I'm hyper-fixated on one person, I can usually hang out with anyone else perfectly fine, like nothing ever happened.

Look, I know this sounds like some weird internet troll bait, but I’m being dead serious here.

If anyone actually takes this to heart, you’ll probably tell me there isn't enough detail to even make a judgment call. But hey, if you’re reading this, feel free to grill me—ask anything. I’m down to expand on the story and answer whatever questions come up. I know how stupid this looks, but honestly, what else am I supposed to do?

I really just want to hear what someone else thinks about it. Now that I'm sitting here staring at my own words, it sounds pretty idiotic. Dammit. I’m hoping someone responds, because I could really use some kind of help—any kind—since I don't think anyone can guess from this post just how much all of this is messing with my head. And it’s messing with me a lot. Like, a lot. 🙂

The reason I'm dumping this here is because this whole situation has caused me massive psychological issues. I've spent a huge chunk of my life basically teetering on the edge of depression while trying to deal with this stuff, and man, those last four years while this was happening were incredibly hard to get through. I'm 22 now (I think...)

Thanks, catch ya later.

Your brain just won't let you chill out for some reason, kind of like those intrusive thoughts, but way, way milder—not enough for an actual diagnosis (unless you already have OCD or whatever), but it definitely makes life a bit more complicated.
It's totally possible you end up messing up relationships by basically self-sabotaging through "falling in love" with other girls. Then again, you did say yourself that it isn't really falling in love, it's just being terrified of it. It's like you just can't trust your own gut.

As for the whole falling in love thing, I'm kind of a pro at it, but in a weird way: I'm pretty much crushing on someone new almost every month. 🤣 I don't mind it, though; it keeps me happy and feels like a hobby or something. 😬 🙈

Look, it all sounds great on paper, but honestly, damn it... just when I finally stumble upon someone who feels genuinely real—someone actually worth putting in the effort for—I start trying. I really fucking try, you know? But then, out of nowhere, some random, bullshit distraction pops into my head and completely derails everything. Suddenly, I just don't give a damn about them anymore. It’s like my brain just resets. 🙂

It’s like I can't trust my own gut about anything anymore.

Laura Murphy3 said:Look, it all sounds great on paper, but honestly, damn it... just when I finally stumble upon someone who feels genuinely real—someone actually worth putting in the effort for—I start trying. I really fucking try, you know? But then, out of nowhere, some random, bullshit distraction pops into my head and completely derails everything. Suddenly, I just don't give a damn about them anymore. It’s like my brain just resets. 🙂

It’s like I can't trust my own gut about anything anymore.

Was it for that girl you were obsessed with before? Look, you're probably still pretty young. We need to live a little, I guess, and maybe later someone will come along and we'll just settle down. 🙂

It’s pretty obvious you didn't care that much if you could change your mind that easily. Or maybe, I don't know, maybe you're subconsciously scared of that post-infatuation crash that totally sucks... at least for me. 😢

About being bold: can I ask if you have a diagnosis, and if you don't mind sharing, what it is? 🙂

EDIT: because people with anxiety or OCD feel this massive need to overanalyze everything until, eventually (and trust me, I know this one well 😉 ), they analyze themselves right into a corner where they aren't sure about anything anymore. That's why I'm asking. 😉

Linda Taylor11 said:Look... it’s not like I went out of my way to mess things up for anyone. I was in this relationship for about three years back then. We both cared, or so I thought, but I had all these insecurities because I felt like he didn't care as much as he should have. So, I "fell in love," broke up with him (honestly, if we’d stayed together, we probably would’ve been living together or at least basically sharing an apartment in 🤣), and started seeing this new guy. Turns out, he was a complete piece of work—total jerk, honestly, there’s no other word for it—and a verbal abuser, not to mention all the other... legal gray areas I had no clue about. 😂 🤦

So... yeah. But I don't want to hijack your thread. Sure, part of it comes from insecurity. It’s enough for me that someone just says, "Hey, your nails/hair/legs look great today" or "You're smart," and I'm suddenly sky high and head over heels. Which... erm, isn't healthy. And only to the extent that...🙄

OK, I think we all took your post a totally different way than you intended 🙂.

Generally speaking, women often trip up thinking that being "in love" has to be a constant state. That's actually called love addiction 🙂. Things eventually level out over time, and if the partners are a good match, other types of connection take over. That constant craving for that honeymoon phase is usually just a search for validation or self-worth. It's that inner child in us that's acting out, constantly begging for "attention."

Laura Murphy3 said:Look, it all sounds great on paper, but honestly, damn it... just when I finally stumble upon someone who feels genuinely real—someone actually worth putting in the effort for—I start trying. I really fucking try, you know? But then, out of nowhere, some random, bullshit distraction pops into my head and completely derails everything. Suddenly, I just don't give a damn about them anymore. It’s like my brain just resets. 🙂

It’s like I can't trust my own gut about anything anymore.

I'd say it comes down to chemistry🙂. But whether you're subconsciously killing the vibe or the person just isn't your type? That's the real question.😁

Maybe you don't even know what kind of person you actually need?
And honestly, that constant need for validation you have is clearly just coming from that insecurity.

Linda Taylor11 said:Was it for that girl you were obsessed with before? Look, you're probably still pretty young. We need to live a little, I guess, and maybe later someone will come along and we'll just settle down. 🙂

It’s pretty obvious you didn't care that much if you could change your mind that easily. Or maybe, I don't know, maybe you're subconsciously scared of that post-infatuation crash that totally sucks... at least for me. 😢

About being bold: can I ask if you have a diagnosis, and if you don't mind sharing, what it is? 🙂

EDIT: because people with anxiety or OCD feel this massive need to overanalyze everything until, eventually (and trust me, I know this one well 😉 ), they analyze themselves right into a corner where they aren't sure about anything anymore. That's why I'm asking. 😉

Personally, I think you two are actually perfect for each other 😍

Patrick Brown45 said:Personally, I think you two are actually perfect for each other 😍

Man, look at this. Now they're actually trying to pin stuff on me online too. Unbelievable. 🤣

EDIT: lol, just kidding obviously. 🙂

Patrick Brown45 said:I'd say it comes down to chemistry🙂. But whether you're subconsciously killing the vibe or the person just isn't your type? That's the real question.😁

Maybe you don't even know what kind of person you actually need?
And honestly, that constant need for validation you have is clearly just coming from that insecurity.

Honestly, I’m still just trying to figure out what kind of person actually fits my vibe—it's a process, I guess. And let's be real, I'm still young, so I haven't exactly got it all figured out yet.
As far as the whole chemistry thing goes, I don't really know what to make of it—it’s just this same old cycle repeating itself over and over. Before I met this girl, I went through these exact same stages with an ex I ended up totally ghosting... but honestly, that's a whole other mess and probably not even worth bringing up right now.

Look, I get that when you're young, you aren't exactly supposed to have your entire life mapped out—nobody really knows what they want every single second—but I’m pretty damn sure my issues aren't actually about the people I'm hanging out with. It's not them. It's me. Honestly, whenever I'm flying solo—which, let's face it, happens more often than I'd like—that's when the urge to have someone around hits hardest. My mood just swings all over the place. Like right now—I’m feeling alright, totally fine, so I’m being great to everyone, including my girl, and everything feels easy and good. But then? Then the mood shifts, I'm not feeling it anymore, and well... screw it, I'm just not okay.

I don't have an official diagnosis or anything—doctors and all that—but since we're talking about OCD, I guess I'm pretty close to hitting that mark. It’s been weighing on me lately... specifically when I was cleaning this stuff:
I was scrolling through some old threads on Neurotic Planet—you know, that rabbit hole of a site where everyone’s just spiraling together—and I stumbled onto this section about HOCD. It’s wild how much people struggle with those intrusive thoughts about their orientation, especially when everything feels like it’s spinning out of control. It honestly feels like a special kind of hell. You’re sitting there, trying to live your life, and suddenly your brain decides to play these twisted "what if" games that just won't quit. It’s not even about what you actually feel—it’s that constant, exhausting loop of checking, doubting, and second-guessing every single impulse. Like, you think you're fine, then boom, the anxiety hits and suddenly nothing feels certain anymore. I see people in these forums going through the ringer, trying to find answers in places that don't really have them. It's easy to get sucked into the cycle of seeking reassurance, which we all know is just a temporary band-aid that makes the itch worse in the long run. It’s a grind. Just a relentless, mental marathon that leaves you feeling completely drained. Honestly, sometimes it feels like our brains are just wired to sabotage our own peace of mind, and there’s not much anyone can do to stop the gears from turning once they start.
Ever since I hooked up with this girl and found some new ways to keep my brain occupied—you know, stuff to drown out the noise—this whole thing has kind of drifted into the background. But honestly? It’s all just the same old patterns repeating themselves... they just aren't tied to that specific mess anymore. 🙂

Quincy:

It’s pretty obvious you didn't actually give a damn if you can just flip the script that easily—I mean, seriously. Or maybe you're just subconsciously terrified of that inevitable hangover phase after the honeymoon stage wears off... that whole post-infatuation crash where everything just totally sucks. At least, it does for me.

So, look, I haven’t exactly felt that crazy, head-over-heels, losing-my-mind kind of madness with this girl I've been seeing from the jump—you know how it goes, that irrational, nonsensical obsession that usually hits you out of nowhere. But honestly? It’s actually really nice being with her. I feel totally chill, no pressure, and I genuinely dig how her brain works—plus, the way she treats me is top-tier. I don't think it's time to "cut ties" just yet—sorry if that sounds a bit harsh to her or anyone reading this, but yeah, I'm sticking around. 🙂 Honestly, I just end up flip-flopping constantly—I’ll decide one thing, then change my mind, then go right back to how things were, and it's just an endless loop of indecision. I try to give myself—and the whole situation—some breathing room, because I know that losing interest for a minute doesn't always mean the spark is actually dead for good. If things don't start looking up, she'll just cut me loose anyway, so there's really no need to worry about it. 🙂 Look, nobody’s made of stone—you can't just sit there and listen to this garbage forever without losing your mind.

Look, on the flip side, all the girls I've been seeing lately have been older than me. It’s just a fact—people at that stage of life are playing a completely different game. They're more composed, they actually know how to handle their own emotions, and they carry themselves with this level of confidence that I honestly haven't hit yet. And yeah, that can be pretty intimidating—it kind of scares the hell out of me because I know I'm often lagging behind where they are. Sometimes I get caught up in this whole loop of overthinking and daydreaming about what could be, but then reality hits and I realize I'm spiraling into something way deeper than I'm ready for. So, for now, I'm just taking it slow—moving as cautiously as I can.

So, what’s your actual skill level? Like, how much heavy lifting can you actually handle?

- How you personally rate your own talent and abilities?
- And how everyone else (based on the comments)?

Laura Murphy3...that's quite an intense nickname you've got there—anyway, you still haven't actually answered my question regarding your parents.🤷

Who’s the authority figure in the house? Usually my old man. He grew up in some tiny rural town in the Midwest, way more conservative than my mom, who’s a total city girl through and through—so I guess that dynamic shaped things, but honestly, they’re pretty much equals. They don't really lean into that "boss of the house" thing, at least not from where I'm standing now that I'm an adult. They have this mutual respect and just... get each other. I’d say my family is fully functional, no cracks in the foundation that I can see, anyway. Honestly, most people who know us end up being pretty jealous of how we operate.

One thing though—my dad definitely picked up this trait from his own folks where he doesn't exactly shower people with praise. It’s not like he isn't trying, I see him making an effort, so I can't say for sure, but there are times when he just steps in and takes over. Like, if he sees me messing something up, he'll just grab it and do it himself. I won't lie, back in the day, that used to make me feel pretty useless.

As for how people view my work versus how I see it myself... I don't know. I get nagged all the time about leaving stuff unfinished or being too rushed. But the thing is, I’m always juggling ten different things at once, so yeah, projects might look hanging for a second, but I always get them done eventually. I just can't focus on one single thing to save my life—I'm a chronic multitasker. Always. 🙂

Not sure if that actually answers what you were asking me.

I will say this, though: when I'm in the zone, I cannot stand someone breathing down my neck or trying to tell me how to do my job. I need to be left alone to work, because if I feel watched, I start getting pressured and twitchy. 🙂

Quincy: Which parent is it?
Quincy:

Authoritative? — Not really. It’s more like... well, let me think—just a bit too intense for my taste!

It feels a bit authoritarian to me—just a hunch, honestly.

Quincy:

I have to admit—I’ve noticed that his praise, which he definitely picked up from his parents, can sometimes feel a bit understated. That said, I see how much effort he puts into being intentional about it, so I can't say for certain that it's lacking. Quincy: It happens quite often—he’ll just step in and take over certain tasks if he notices I'm not doing them exactly his way. Honestly, there were times when that left me feeling a little... well, incompetent.

It really comes down to a few key factors—the kind of things that either build you up or tear your confidence right back down.

Quincy:

Quincy: I’m honestly not quite sure how to square how I see my own work versus how everyone else perceives it—it's a bit of a disconnect. I tend to get these complaints that I’m rushing through things—leaving projects half-baked, essentially—but I just have my own way of doing things. Quincy: The thing is, I’m constantly juggling way too many things at once—which means my to-do list always looks like a mess of half-finished tasks—but, honestly, I usually manage to get everything wrapped up in the end. I just can't seem to focus on one single thing; I’m always multitasking. Always. 🙂

It looks to me like you feel the need to apologize—you’re carrying this weight because you didn't meet someone else's expectations—and honestly, that's just bad for building up your self-esteem.

Quincy:

I’ve noticed—and I say this quite candidly—that I really can't stand being micromanaged. I much prefer to just put my head down and get things done without someone hovering over my shoulder or constantly offering unsolicited advice. It honestly just adds unnecessary pressure, and frankly, it makes me pretty anxious.

Of course—you want to feel like you can actually pull things off on your own. To me, constant supervision just feels like someone doesn't trust your abilities.

Laura Murphy3 said:So, it all boils down to a lack of self-confidence? 🙂

Look, I know I'm lacking there. Even though I'm pretty social, funny, and usually the life of the party, I've realized my confidence is the issue. I need that external validation just to feel like I actually matter.

So, what's the move? 🙂

Sit around and wait for Providence to show you some mercy instead of actually putting in the work to figure out 🙂 You totally dodged my question.

Heh. Anyway, check your inbox. I sent you a PM.

I thought they said authoritative. Authoritarian, huh...

So, my old man is one of those "always right" types—you know the ones—who basically shuts down any real debate. It’s not even that he’s constantly shouting his opinions at everyone just to prove a point, it's more that he just can't wrap his head around anyone else's perspective if it doesn't align with his own. Is that actually what that word means, though?

Laura Murphy3 said:I thought they said authoritative. Authoritarian, huh...

So, my old man is one of those "always right" types—you know the ones—who basically shuts down any real debate. It’s not even that he’s constantly shouting his opinions at everyone just to prove a point, it's more that he just can't wrap his head around anyone else's perspective if it doesn't align with his own. Is that actually what that word means, though?

authoritarian = someone who demands or enforces absolute, unquestioning obedience to authority [an authoritarian personality; authoritarian parenting]

authoritative = having authority/influence based on reputation
2. being highly respected (e.g., stemming from expertise, long-term study, experience, etc.) [an authority in their field]
3. the ability to command others without needing to resort to direct force, arguing, or strict procedures [to hold authority; to command respect; a person of authority]