...I used to think it would be easier if my old man just went after me instead. Like, if he only had a problem with me and nothing else, at least I’d know for sure that *I'm* the one who's broken... sad but true... If he were just some alcoholic or a total psycho, I could forgive him easily, and maybe even forgive myself in the process. But no, the old man is just plain stupid... and the worst part? I've got his blood running through my veins. That's just how it is.
..I was thinking about what Drew Richardson82 said regarding ego. Honestly? I think there’s more satisfaction in buying something for yourself with your own hard-earned cash than having someone hand it to you on a silver platter. If I had used my own money to buy a PC, I probably would've smashed it ten times over just to go out and buy a brand new one immediately... purely for the thrill of breaking something! It beats the absolute monotony of a boring life. Also, my bike is killing my butt, and the tires have so much resistance that I can barely get anywhere. I'd love to upgrade to a high-end model—maybe something in the $2,200 range rather than just spending $333... hahahahah! And man, if I had been paying my own way through college, I wouldn't have felt this massive pressure to finish everything by a strict deadline. I could have just taken it easy... stretched it out over 7, 8, 9, or even 10 years... or whatever pace I felt like choosing. Students without degrees Women without beauty Dating without an apartment Travelers without cash Cheap music and heavy drinking The lottery is their only obsession Cheap music and heavy drinking My lifestyle is a nightmare Branimic Stulic is becoming more relevant by the day 🙂
Alright, alright, I’m done with that whole vibe. If I’m not talking to a therapist, I’m certainly not playing these games in cyberspace. I haven't breathed a word to anyone about the heavy stuff happening under the surface, you know? I just needed to figure out why I was feeling so off. At the end of the day, you've basically got two choices: live or die. When it hits you—that realization that you're mortal—it’s pretty heavy, but honestly? It’s kind of a rush too. I’m fighting for myself, trying to learn how to actually love life and save my energy. So, I started looking at what the world has to offer... everything from those cheesy self-help books and Hollywood movies to music, the Bible, various religions... you name it. I wasn't looking for much. A little bit of my own fault, a little bit because of my surroundings... I'm young and I've made some massive mistakes. But hey, I'm doing better now. I'm actually proud of who I am. Right now, I'm just drawing circles in the sand and praying nobody messes with my peace. I'm only human, and there isn't anything about being human that's foreign to me. Hey everyone, enjoy yourselves and stay well! These are just words. I'm just Nick. The Earth is going to keep spinning long after we're gone. And like a wise guy my dad's age once said... it all boils down to love and aggression. They're two sides of the same coin in nature. Logic is just a tool we use to process things because that's how we were raised, but words? Words are deceptive; they act like they're independent entities. Huxley writes something similar... it makes sense. Any claim about the truth is essentially a lie, because words are just flawed mediums. Lauster says that emotions "come from different parts of the brain." Death is the only absolute truth, and you have to accept that truth for your entire life. And look, I'll keep writing as long as nobody's got a problem with it. <truth is in nature😉 My biggest thing is writing songs. I really hope nobody finds themselves lost in this one... Susan Ortiz43 knows her English, so go ahead and read the lyrics.
Bohemian Rhapsody - Mustapha Mustapha Mustapha Mustapha - Mustapha Mustapha Mustapha Mustapha Abrah im abrah im abrah im Allah Allah Allah Allah will pray for you
Mama, just killed a man put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away - sing it Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry - If I'm not back again this time tomorrow - Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters -
Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine - Body's aching all the time goodbye everybody - I've got to go - Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth - Mama, ooh I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all -
I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango - Thunderbolt and lightening - very very frightening me - Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro - magnifico - But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me - He's just a poor boy from a poor family - Spare him his life from this monstrosity - Easy come easy go -, will you let me go - Bismillah! No -, we will not let you go - let him go - Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go Bismillah! We will not let you go - let me go Will not let you go - let me go (never) Never let you go - let me go Never let me go - ooo No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go - Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for me - for me -
So you think you can stone me - spit in my eye So you think you can love me and leave me to die Oh baby - can't do this to me baby Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me
Then people told me I needed to pray to God, so I did. I’d just lie there at night, begging, "Please, God, just make things better," over and over, but nothing changed. It made me feel like I was just some terrible, rotten person. Like, why would God punish me like this? Then I started spiraling, thinking back to when I was a kid and stole keys from an old man because my buddy egged me on—he passed away later, so I figured maybe that was my sentence. I knew I had been a bad kid. I knew I wasn't a good person. Now, my friends try to get me to hang out, but honestly? I’m terrified. I won't even leave my room. My dad even bought me a gaming PC so I could be like other kids my age, but even that gets old fast. Sometimes I take way too many pills and head out into the world, but then I just feel out of place. Everyone seems so incredibly sharp, you know? They can follow the conversation and they all seem so happy and kind. Man, I just wish I could be like them! I remember once I used to buy Sports Illustrated and I tried so hard to memorize every player, their teams, everything. It was such a struggle for me. Other guys could rattle off scores from the '93 World Series like it was nothing, but I felt so slow, like I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. And those guys? They didn't let heartbreak stop them. If a girl turned them down, they'd just call her names and move right on to the next one. I tried to act like that, really I did, but it just didn't work for me. It just made me feel even more clueless. My buddies always teased me about being a fool because I fall head over heels for every girl I meet. Looking back, they were right—I’m just not normal. I even went as far as writing letters and poems... now I feel like there's no way out. I think about ending it all, but that scares me too. I'm sure I'd end up in Hell, and it'll probably be even worse there. So instead, I just sit here, suffering in silence and trying to hold it together, but I'm feeling weaker every single day.
..honestly, I’m just looking for someone to help me out My head has been killing me for three years straight. I’ve tried everything under the sun, done every scan and test you can imagine The doctors all say nothing is wrong, but it hurts—it feels like someone is literally drilling a hole into my skull And the dizziness? It’s constant. My thoughts race at a million miles an hour, then suddenly everything just stops and there's this heavy silence for ten minutes at a time I’m sweating through my clothes constantly They told me to see a psychiatrist, so I did, but it didn't change a thing I am terrified of dying, and I'm still so young. Everywhere I look, I see reminders of death I’m incredibly depressed, but I try to hide it because nobody gets it That’s how I’ve been playing it for three years now I can’t live like this anymore; the fear is eating me alive I read somewhere that this stuff is really hard to treat with meds When I was a kid, everyone picked on me. My dad was aggressive too; he used to get violent with my mom, my sister, and me. During the war, we lived in a city that was being bombed nonstop, and all anyone could hear were people screaming about enemies and saying they needed to be wiped out, and I was just sitting there terrified My parents never had any money, so our house was always full of fighting and tension. I never even understood why things were so heavy I was always such a quiet kid, a great student. Everyone used to praise me and tell me how smart I was, but deep down, I actually felt stupid Now that I’m an adult, I realize I was smart enough to know I was stupid, while those people telling me I was brilliant were actually the ones who were clueless.. Ever since I can remember, I’ve struggled with depression And I fall in love way too easily, loving everyone deeply, but no one ever loves me back. I’ve spent so much time alone, just reading *Grick* or *Ninja and Zagora*.. and as time went on, I just got more and more miserable. It was harder to be with myself than it was to be with other people So now, I’m pleading for help. I just can't do this anymore Doctors gave me various pills and I took them, but nothing worked. Then I started taking higher and higher doses, and still, nothing changed. Eventually, my neighbors found out I was seeing a shrink and started whispering that I’d lost my mind. It was so embarrassing. Then my relatives started dropping by, staring at me to see if I had actually gone crazy Back then, I would just lock myself in my room and cry. I tried so hard not to think about it, but it was impossible.. I’m constantly terrified that I’ll lose my mind, and it’s so humiliating... What am I supposed to do? I just want to be able to laugh, have a girlfriend, be intimate, and have friends I can actually hang out with in town and talk to.. Can anyone please help me!!?? I even tried seeing a healer, and I stopped drinking the coffee I love because they told me to. One doctor told me my issues were from smoking, so I quit, but I just couldn't stay off the cigarettes My mom tried to take me to see some guy who claims to have special powers, but I refused Other people suggested it was because I wasn't working, so I started a job, but it didn't make me feel better—plus, the guy wouldn't even pay me Then I went to a meditation session where I had to chant "oommmm. uuummmm. babbababba.." but it didn't help, and I was too scared to even close my eyes because the dizziness would get even worse Then they told me I needed to run. So I ran, but it just made my head ache even more, so I stopped.. and I just cry every single day My dad is doing much better now; he doesn't yell or hit my mom anymore, and Mom has started laughing a bit more and stopped taking those pills she relied on her whole life, but it hasn't changed anything for me They even bought me a bike, which is the only thing that brings me joy lately, because I can ride it out of town and just cry where nobody can see me Please, can someone help me There’s so much more to say, but my vision is getting blurry and I can’t type, and my neck is cramping up badly. Someone told me I might be low on magnesium, so I’ve been taking those supplements 😢
..once I hit my 196th post, maybe then I'll finally figure out who I am, why I'm even here, and what I actually want out of life.. just a little bit further to go.. about 100 more posts to go.. and who are YOU people anyway!!?? Which members are we talking about, which forum is this even, and what on earth do you mean by "exhibitionism".. and what's this talk about "soul".. and what even *is* a soul.. honestly, I haven't the slightest clue
I just wanted to see how I’d actually react to a comment like that... seriously, just back off with those snap judgments!!! It definitely threw me for a loop at first glance—maybe there's a grain of truth buried in there somewhere... Total nonsense through and through (whatever you think you're doing, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to them... That was a wild reaction.. stop quoting me, because if you keep it up, I'm done typing.
I still remember the first time I ever got drunk... man, I was terrified. I kept thinking, "How long is this going to last? Am I gonna die?" It probably only lasted a few hours, but in my head, it felt like an absolute eternity... Then there was that first time I tried a joint... that was pure panic. Nobody had warned me about anything, and since everyone else seemed to be doing it, I figured I’d just dive in too. Ugh, the fear was real! It lasted all night long. I was wandering through the woods, totally tripping out on how weird my brain felt. There were some good parts, sure, but mostly just straight-up fear. I can still feel that first bout of Fear... that total shift in consciousness. It’s been three years now, and honestly, I still haven't quite gotten used to it... hehehehehehehehe😉 And you're still crying over it... but you'll never experience it the way I did. Lyrics REQUIEM
Standing by the Atlantic shore The wind whistling through the barren banks The roar of the ocean crashing against the bay And the song that weeps for it
Because this is a requiem for my love For every day and every night Searching for the truth we will eventually find When I pass away and go to serve Someone else who weeps for me
...man, the word neurosis and Neuroticar just sound so harsh to me. Couldn't they have picked something a little more pleasant sounding? I don't know... probably some Greek or Latin root or something, who knows... it just feels kind of off. But hey, at the end of the day, it's just a word, right?
Reading back what I wrote... who even am I talking to here? Here comes the song I'm wondering if "Wild Thing" might swing by for a visit!!?? YOU KNOW I TRAVEL WITH THIS STUFF
you never could find the words to say not through a gesture or a phrase that you loved me
people try to pick you apart they sense something's off, but they don't realize just how much you're worth
but still, far too often I think about us way too often like a losing battle in a war
everything that makes a woman weak neither thinking nor caring about my love
now I don't want to play the martyr anymore I'm surrendering to my own star we're moving on
but still, far too often I think about us way too often like a losing battle in a war you know I travel with this stuff far too often
..they scrubbed the Blue girl from the homepage, which is totally unfair..boooh...death rolls...maybe it’s for the best though, she reminds me of someone else anyway out of sight Man, what quality, what sheer potential.. if only she understood that fear of success is a real thing, or that change can be both incredibly hard and effortless at the exact same time... if she could just trust me a little more.. or even her own gut feeling.. maybe she caught a whiff of my inner conflict and insecurity (not that I was trying to hide it from her).. aaaaaaaaaaah, love, women, work, life, death, words, symbols, emotions, intellect, parents, kids, the military, happiness, sadness.... a total vacuum.... pffft!!—said Zagor.. labyrinths of rationalization, consciousness, primal instincts... Fine, Fin; Konec, En de; The end, the end
Sometimes when I’m scrolling back through my own old posts, I completely lose my train of thought and forget what I even wanted to say... One day—if you manage to survive long enough and keep your head on straight—you might finally realize whether that Fear you felt was actually rational or just a massive overreaction. And honestly? That biggest fear of all? It's almost always irrational... I mean, would you actually dare to live forever? Does it even make sense? If you aren't Dracula... Nosferatu, then you wouldn't be able to handle the Sun. You'd still be stuck wandering around looking for a buddy. Even a stupid Vampire can't stand being alone. And then, just when you think you're fine, some "hero" shows up thinking they're doing the right thing and drives a stake straight through your heart. Not even from a distance, either—right at you, at the crack of dawn, just seconds before the husband gets his morning Nespresso... and you're left drifting in the embrace of Hypnos... And sometimes, it feels like absolutely nothing even happened... huh, it feels too surreal to even believe.😲 If there weren't other people around, would you truly know that you exist? Would you even think, or just *be*? How would you even process thoughts? Does that idea scare the hell out of you? What's eating at you? Just ask!!?? If you're genuinely curious, if you think you can handle the truth... if you think it's too complicated, then you're already heading down the wrong path... Don't go fighting for "meaning"—just fight off the boredom. There it is... that's my big epiphany. So, like Twixy-Carpe Diem says... oila!!!!!!
...And besides that, Avi, you're telling me I'm not doing any better, and honestly, you've said so much... so this song goes out to you. ESCAPING THE COMA
escaping the coma a massive deal working on the chords waiting for the station dreaming about happiness passing judgment living on credit failing every single time
let's go everyone shapes your skin even when you're spitting on me though you aren't even aware of it I understand
yeah, even while you're drinking me down yeah, even while you're lying to me I am recovering
Oh, my dear Jun, aka Avi... this is what happens when you don't believe me! I told you straight up, I climbed those steep cliffs overlooking the coast in Rijeka... and not because of the Virgin Mary, but for a girl. She wasn't exactly a saint, she was a Mexican woman. When we reached the summit, we were just making out and looking down at our massive harbor (like the Port of Los Angeles, haha!). I’m telling you the truth, but you just won't buy it! We weren't meant to be... but man, did she fall for me (ah!). I got spooked and bolted home. I didn't even call her back. We bumped into each other later in Opatija, and she told me she ended up failing a whole year of college (she would've failed anyway!) all because of me. Her new boyfriend was standing right there next to us—he was handsome, way older and more mature than me, had money, and honestly, she needed someone like him. So, yeah, that's the story. I think I made the right call. Honestly, the best move ever. Richard Murphy6 was acting surprised that I don't know how to enjoy life, and Avi said, "Well, it's just how it is"... okay, Avi, whatever. But seriously, she was one of the most beautiful and genuine people I've ever dated. Ha!!!
I love it when you talk In all this madness of mine The dream loses its illusion Stripped down to the bone
It becomes reality A forgotten pain I don't want to pull you away Far away
Words like a fairy tale Calming the storm Don't worry, someone remembers Every single moment of the year
All the connections, the walks, the talks And you're still thinking about it, trust me
Look at my baby girl Walking down the street Can you notice the color On her cheek
Today is the first day of spring And she's living it like it's the last 😉
Drew Richardson82, don't even think about helping yourself. Don't bother trying to change, don't go practicing any relaxation techniques, don't even step foot in therapy, and definitely skip the psychoanalysis Please, just don't! If you fix yourself, I won't have anyone left to laugh at or marvel at... seriously, don't do it What kind of guy are you? Hahahaha! I honestly can't believe it... you were my role model and my absolute ideal, and you're staying that way. I mean, who else would I learn from regarding what *not* to do in life?😁 Love ya, you legend! Hahahaha! Never get better, okay? Please, never!🙂 So, I actually went to see a psychiatrist, and they handed me some meds... now I'm just over here talking about everything I’m like, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," and then I just knock back a Xanax... I've played the hero long enough🙂 Cheers, buddy! Long live science! Long live technology! Long live death! Long live Mayo Clinic😉 and Josip Broz Marshall
.If it’s all about free will—if I actually believe I can choose my own path—then fine, call me a fool or a clown. I am my moon deep inside you maybe I left a trail of light behind in the night between the walls not even all the good souls nor all the people you know nor an escape from the loneliness that you retreat into (when everything falls apart) they are barely enough against that raw power the ultimate and final one deep inside you passions shatter and what is left over and what doesn't even exist the longing for death the will to survive the craving for freedom and the urge to surrender to fate like it's sitting right there in your palm deep inside you thousands of drummers fanfares echoing from afar flags hanging halfway up the poles who are you mourning, my love that dark omen on the face of your darling sorrow etched in words
just once in a lifetime I'll let myself be captured by a man with a cold grip and a piercing stare dosadness is hitting hard, man, this life is just boring
Everything's settled—Kenny is going to be my best man! And when the priest says, "Until death do us part," Kenny is just going to burst into tears and go, "Noooo, not death, please no!" and then we'll both just sit there sobbing together. We'll be wailing right in that little chapel over in Murter... screaming "Not death!" Then he'll probably pivot to, "Well, not life either, at least not eternal life..." Honestly, whatever works for you guys! We’ll just shrug our shoulders in unison and admit, "We haven't got a clue." 😢 Anyway, here's the song—I finally managed to download it! BONNIE TYLER
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little bit lonely and you're never Coming round Turnaround, Every now and then I get a Little bit tired of listening to The sound of my tears Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little bit nervous that The Best of All The years have goniti by Turnaround Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little biti terrified and then i see The look in Your eyes Turnaround bright eyes , Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little biti terrified and then i see The look in Your eyes Turnaround bright eyes , Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little bit restless and i dream of something Wild Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little biti helpless and I'm lying like a child in Your arms Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little biti angry and i know I've Got to get out and cry Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i get a Little bit terrified but then i see The look in Your eyes Turnaround bright eyes , Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes , Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes
Every now and then i fall apart and i need you now tonight and i need you more Than ever and if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever and we'll only be Making IT right Cause we'll never be wrong together WE Can taka IT to The end of The Lin Your Love is like a shadow on me All of The time i don't know What to do and I'm always in The dark We're living in a powder keg and giving OFF sparks i really need you tonight Forever's
Once upon a time i was falling in Love but now I'm falling apart there's nothing i Can do a total eclipse of The Heart Once upon a time There was light in my Life but now there's only Love in The dark Nothing i Can say a total eclipse of The Heart Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround
Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround, Every now and then i know you'll never be The Boy you always wanted to be Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i know you'll always be The only Boy Who wanted me The way that i am Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i know there's no One in The Universe as magical and wonderous as you Turnaround
Turnaround, Every now and then i know there's nothing Any Better and there's nothing i Just wouldn't to do Turnaround bright eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then i fall apart Turnaround bright eyes
Every now and then i fall apart and i need you now tonight and i need you more Than ever and if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever and we'll only be Making IT right Cause we'll never be wrong together WE Can taka IT to The end of The Lin Your Love is like a shadow on me All of The time i don't know What to do and I'm always in The dark We're living in a powder keg and gi
Once upon a time i was falling in Love but now I'm falling apart there's nothing i Can do a total eclipse of The Heart Once upon a time There was light in my Life but now there's only Love in The dark Nothing i Can say a total eclipse of The Heart Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround bright eyes Turnaround
Veronika27 was totally spot on—I’m finally starting to truly wrap my head around what she meant regarding finding peace. You basically just have to dampen all those impulses. You cycle through the extremes: that heavy depression that hits when you realize how fleeting everything is, including the people close to you. You see the pointlessness in it all, push through the hatred... you just sit there in your room like an idiot, not even caring where your thoughts or focus wander. Eventually, you just come to terms with being alone. And man, that’s tough. I’ve been through every single stage myself—peace, restlessness, pure joy, crushing sadness, and then sliding right back into old habits. In the end, the only thing you can really say is that you feel strange. Different. It’s indescribable. Intense, yet somehow weak. Wise, yet somehow foolish. Content, yet somehow unsatisfied. Full of knowledge, knowing everything, yet somehow knowing nothing at all. So you just reach that peace and lightly tap away at the keys... or maybe you just put on a song, any song, since you already know every lyric. You listen to a single note and just imagine the piano playing. ...Sometimes you hope you'll hear something new, but then you realize you won't. Suddenly, that depression grabs you again—but only for a second. These days, I pull myself out of those moods with ease. You just sit on the floor. You could stay there for hours. You know it doesn't matter either way. You know time is slipping away... and yet, you know it's eternity.
Life is just a dream, a little house near the highway ramp, a dim yellow lamp, and a stash of sadness, D Gm Sadly, it's a bad dream: Dad was a notorious stickler, Mom was always armed with a ruler, and life felt like a runway for misery. I had to do it all alone—fingers light on the trigger, a hurricane in my heart, and one giant leap over the long haul. G7 Between the ships and the trucks, by twenty-two he’d seen it all, and that's when he saw her...
Cm Gm I'm crazy for you, babe, but hey, I'm already a nutcase anyway; I've been looking for you since I first realized who I was. F Bb G7 Be my partner in crime, baby, because it's tough trying to blow through all this heavy cash all by myself. Cm Gm I heard a rumor that tomorrow might not even show up, so we might as well go all in right now. D Gm G7 Buy me for a dime and let's run wild through those brambles. Cm Gm I'm crazy for you, but this is the era of the madmen, and I'm going to saddle up and conquer my Fear for us, D Gm So kiss me like crazy until I can't catch my breath....aaaaaaaah I haven't quite figured out the secret to living life yet—at least not mine. Extremes suit me, but I can't handle them emotionally or intellectually... and I absolutely loathe the middle ground. Honestly, I just don't know... Lately, I've realized that I'm at my best when I'm laughing. I think I'll just spend my time reciting Monty Python sketches from memory, telling good jokes, and watching funny movies. ..basically, I only vibe with simple, lighthearted stuff.. constantly unserious (even when I look deathly serious) it's not worth anything absolutely nothing... but without the "but"... nothing at least for me at least in my book I hope so until my very last breath and even if I change my mind, that's fine too anyway... it's all good The most important thing is that I'm entertaining myself... that's a huge shift for me. Alright, I won't bore you guys with my life story anymore.
Finally got that avatar uploaded... and added the signature under my posts too! I should probably try to post a little more consistently and stay on top of things, though. No, that's no good, definitely not good enough!