Posts by quietranger14

First off, thanks everyone. Regarding that post where I mentioned not wanting to be like my old man—honestly, I don't spend much time dwelling on it. It wouldn't even cross my mind to say I have low self-esteem when I didn't even write a single college paper on the subject. I actually looked up lists of what parents should and shouldn't do, and realized my dad managed to hit every single red flag on the list. I even found those checklists describing how kids with low self-esteem act—which, truthfully, is exactly how I carry myself, even though I'm an adult now.

Look, sometimes I think I’m a decent person, but then life happens—certain thoughts creep in—and I realize I might not be as good as I thought... maybe even worse.
To give you an example: back before college, all my friends had lower grades than me, and I felt pretty great about it. Since I wasn't conventionally attractive, didn't have a perfect life, and we were struggling financially at home, I figured if I didn't have the looks or the designer clothes, at least I was the smart one—the one with the edge. Now in college, I hang out with two girls. One is just as sharp as I am, and for some reason I can't quite pin down, I'm not jealous of her; I just respect her. But the other one... maybe it's her attitude, I don't know... I find myself competing with her. It's this gnawing feeling inside whenever she outperforms me. It's a terrible sensation.

Worst of all, I still struggle to tell what's "normal" and what isn't. That confusion goes all the way back to when I was hospitalized after my suicide attempt. Even now, though it's less frequent than before, I still catch myself wondering if my behavior is okay—if these thoughts are even normal.

Seeking professional help... hmm. I've talked to plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists, but I actually found the most comfort from a neurosurgeon in Seattle. He was the first person who truly sat down and talked *to* me, rather than *at* me. He taught me something important, though: a simple conversation helps, even if it's just on a forum. It's easier to open up to people I don't actually know. To be honest, I want you guys to criticize me if you see a reason to—I’ll probably get defensive and think, "Who are these strangers to tell me how to live?"—but at the same time, I'll actually weigh your critiques more heavily because there's no personal baggage involved. It sounds weird, but it worked with my "therapist" in Seattle.

And about the rubber band thing... I've reached a point where I don't want to erase that part of my history. I'm not happy about those experiences, but I think they'll serve me well someday when I'm working with kids. I've accepted it as part of my story. It built me into someone stronger—someone who won't be knocked down by every random gust of wind that blows from out of nowhere.

You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

wow, that was fast 🙂
I'm 22... I actually posted a bit about my history in another thread on this forum—specifically regarding how what happened to me is hitting me now. For a long time, whenever I turned a new page in my life, I convinced myself it didn't affect me at all, but lately, I've been having second thoughts.
Kid... look, I know this is basically a societal sickness, but I've always felt this way about myself—even before being thin became the "it" thing. It feels like forever since I can remember being told I was ugly, fat, or stupid (and then later, he’d brag about his daughter getting straight As 😕)—I don't know, I just connected the dots. I realize every other woman seems to be on some diet these days, but I also know it isn't exactly normal to see something completely different in the mirror two minutes after you just looked at it.
It’s not that I hate myself—at least, I don't think I do—and I don't want to die (tried it once, wouldn't recommend a second go), I just know there's a problem here that I need to fix.

I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks