Dealing with low self-esteem

I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks

quietranger14 said:I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks

😠 😠 😠 😠 😠 😠 😠 😠

I can't believe this..

Look, I honestly don't know what that feels like and I can't even begin to imagine... How much does that childhood trauma actually affect you? Can you still feel it?

As for self-esteem, I think mine might be even worse than yours. I often find myself feeling like Kurt Cobain: "I hate myself and I want to die".
I'm not ugly, I'm not (excessively) overweight, I don't have weird features or anything. For me, it's more of a revolt; I just don't like the things I see around me, and then I start tearing myself down..
How old are you? I'm guessing around 20.
Honestly, the constant dieting and stuff is so common nowadays that it's almost become the norm. 😉

wow, that was fast 🙂
I'm 22... I actually posted a bit about my history in another thread on this forum—specifically regarding how what happened to me is hitting me now. For a long time, whenever I turned a new page in my life, I convinced myself it didn't affect me at all, but lately, I've been having second thoughts.
Kid... look, I know this is basically a societal sickness, but I've always felt this way about myself—even before being thin became the "it" thing. It feels like forever since I can remember being told I was ugly, fat, or stupid (and then later, he’d brag about his daughter getting straight As 😕)—I don't know, I just connected the dots. I realize every other woman seems to be on some diet these days, but I also know it isn't exactly normal to see something completely different in the mirror two minutes after you just looked at it.
It’s not that I hate myself—at least, I don't think I do—and I don't want to die (tried it once, wouldn't recommend a second go), I just know there's a problem here that I need to fix.

I just happened to stumble upon this after you started the thread.

Your dad told you that you were fat, ugly, and stupid, and then he abused you? Are you pulling my leg or what?

I don't know anyone who went through anything like that. I've heard it happens quite often, but I find it hard to wrap my head around. I don't think even animals behave that way.
Cale is an idiot. A total jerk, really..

I get that it’s a shock, but we all have our traumas. My dad passed away seven years ago when I was 14, and a few years before that, I lost my grandpa, my other grandpa, and my great-grandmother who looked after me when I was little.
We all lived in the same house (except for the second grandpa), so for me, my family just felt like it was cut in half overnight..
I wasn't even aware at the time that it was a trauma for me. I think maybe it was in that moment, but regarding everything that followed... I don't know, maybe it was.
Honestly, what I'd love most is to be able to sit down with Cale for a coffee for about three hours right now. I think that would be enough time for him to explain the things I'm curious about—specifically, helping me find my way in life..🙂

Anyway, I won't get all sentimental on you; you're the one dealing with the actual issue..

You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

quietranger14 said:You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

Ugh... You know, I consider myself an open-minded person, but this sounds incredibly heavy. I don't mean you personally—you're unfortunately a victim of your father's issues.
Now, about being a "victim"... maybe you aren't, and maybe you're just overthinking things. If you start convincing yourself that you'll wake up one day as him, that's probably exactly what will happen.
Self-suggestion is a powerful thing.

Let's dive a little deeper into your old man's psyche. I'm no psychologist, but I'm certain he wouldn't be anything like him, although...
Man, this is a really intense topic.
Besides watching you like a daughter, did he also watch you as a woman? You know what I mean...
Regarding the abuse, was it direct, or more like... uncomfortable touching, for example?
Have you seen the movie "Oldboy"?
If not, I highly recommend it. Head to a rental shop or find it online; it might help shift your perspective...

Sending you my best. I'm not sure where you're located, but it's already 3:23 AM here, so I'm heading to bed.

quietranger14 said:You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

If I had any kind of magic power, I’d hand out pieces of a simple pink eraser to every soul suffering like that...
If I held the power, I’d give all those hearts a massive dose of courage...
If I had that kind of strength, nobody in this world would ever have to go through that...

But, listen, we can't just rub out the past with an eraser. What we *can* do is shift our focus away from it. We shouldn't lean on those old memories like a crutch; instead, we need to stand tall and walk firmly on this American soil.
You can't just go to a store and buy personal bravery, but you can build it. You build it by stepping away from what was and actually living in the right now.
We can't stop evil from happening, but we sure as heck don't have to replay it inside ourselves like some endless horror movie loop. If we do, we risk becoming just like the people who hurt us—cold, selfish... just plain mean.

If I actually had a superpower like that... well, I’d patent it!

All I have is a bit of advice, which you can take or leave; whatever you're already good at—and I'm sure you have plenty of talents—do it even better. Aim to be the best version of yourself. Take what you love and dive deep, but don't get lost in it. Find that spark right next to passion: creativity. Be different. Be strong. Wake up those hidden potentials! Even if you feel less smart, less pretty, heavier, or more boring than everyone else, you are uniquely you. When the dust settles and everyone else is gone, you'll still be yourself—and that makes you special. Use that! One day, that desperate urge to fit in will feel like dead weight, and honestly, that's the first real step toward growing up.👍

quietranger14 said:I’m struggling with low self-esteem—a leftover relic from when my father sexually abused me. I’ve worked through most of the trauma from that era, but this lack of self-worth keeps holding me back in so many ways.
First off, I can't stop comparing myself to everyone else. I’m in college right now and my grades are solid—just like they were in high school and middle school—but I never actually feel proud of those achievements.
Then there’s my body. Even though I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, "Okay, I actually look good," that feeling evaporates within five minutes. Suddenly, I’m just ugly, overweight, and—God knows what else. I’m constantly jumping from one diet to the next, even though I know deep down that no diet on the planet is going to fix how I feel inside.
Third, I struggle to value anything I’ve accomplished. For instance, I survived sexual abuse, lived through a diagnosis of anxious depression, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, and even saw my abuser behind bars for eight years—yet I still don't give myself credit for surviving all that. Nothing I do feels significant because I tell myself anyone could do it, even though I know in my heart that isn't true.
I don't know... I just really want to learn how to value myself as a person—as someone smart and beautiful (which I do believe during my best moments) and capable. I’d love some help navigating this.
Thanks

There is medicine for low self-esteem, but one must be patient, as these things rarely change overnight. You can easily find basic concepts and guidelines for building self-esteem simply by searching for the term on Google. To start, I might suggest looking into resources provided by organizations dedicated to promoting the good life; they often have wonderful materials that, while perhaps not focused solely on self-esteem, can be incredibly helpful for overall well-being. I think you will find some very useful insights there.

wearyowl29 said:If I had any kind of magic power, I’d hand out pieces of a simple pink eraser to every soul suffering like that...
If I held the power, I’d give all those hearts a massive dose of courage...
If I had that kind of strength, nobody in this world would ever have to go through that...

But, listen, we can't just rub out the past with an eraser. What we *can* do is shift our focus away from it. We shouldn't lean on those old memories like a crutch; instead, we need to stand tall and walk firmly on this American soil.
You can't just go to a store and buy personal bravery, but you can build it. You build it by stepping away from what was and actually living in the right now.
We can't stop evil from happening, but we sure as heck don't have to replay it inside ourselves like some endless horror movie loop. If we do, we risk becoming just like the people who hurt us—cold, selfish... just plain mean.

If I actually had a superpower like that... well, I’d patent it!

All I have is a bit of advice, which you can take or leave; whatever you're already good at—and I'm sure you have plenty of talents—do it even better. Aim to be the best version of yourself. Take what you love and dive deep, but don't get lost in it. Find that spark right next to passion: creativity. Be different. Be strong. Wake up those hidden potentials! Even if you feel less smart, less pretty, heavier, or more boring than everyone else, you are uniquely you. When the dust settles and everyone else is gone, you'll still be yourself—and that makes you special. Use that! One day, that desperate urge to fit in will feel like dead weight, and honestly, that's the first real step toward growing up.👍

👏

aren't you some kind of writer?

Noah Sanchez7 said:👏

aren't you some kind of writer?

Well, maybe, maybe...😛

wearyowl29 said:Well, maybe, maybe...😛

I want to buy your book!🙂

Noah Sanchez7 said:I want to buy your book!🙂

Coming soon, coming very soon!😛

wearyowl29 said:Coming soon, coming very soon!😛

Don't just rush through it! I don't want to finish a book only to find the ending totally underwhelming. The ending is huge, maybe even the most important part.
So take your time, you have all the time in the world..
😘

Noah Sanchez7 said:Don't just rush through it! I don't want to finish a book only to find the ending totally underwhelming. The ending is huge, maybe even the most important part.
So take your time, you have all the time in the world..
😘

You are absolutely spot on, and honestly? Even a snail would be outpacing me right now!🤣

Hi quietranger14! I haven't had similar experiences, nor have I read all of your posts, but I got a pretty good impression from your first one, so I wanted to share a few thoughts.

First off, low self-esteem and lack of self-respect follow many of us, regardless of how perfect our lives seem or how thin we might be. (I am currently on a diet to gain weight, and believe me, I wouldn't wish anyone else to be eating "bite by bite" at age 22 while feeling total disgust.)

I really admire how healthily you've rationalized your difficult childhood and how openly you can discuss it. Please give yourself time to become even more satisfied with who you are. Since it took you so long just to find a desire to live, I suppose it will take some more time before you truly realize how special and worthy you actually are.

That being said, perhaps talking to a professional might be beneficial for you.
I started seeing someone myself (due to anxiety), and I do feel better; still, professionals know things that we simply don't.

I wish you the best of luck, you smart girl!

First off, thanks everyone. Regarding that post where I mentioned not wanting to be like my old man—honestly, I don't spend much time dwelling on it. It wouldn't even cross my mind to say I have low self-esteem when I didn't even write a single college paper on the subject. I actually looked up lists of what parents should and shouldn't do, and realized my dad managed to hit every single red flag on the list. I even found those checklists describing how kids with low self-esteem act—which, truthfully, is exactly how I carry myself, even though I'm an adult now.

Look, sometimes I think I’m a decent person, but then life happens—certain thoughts creep in—and I realize I might not be as good as I thought... maybe even worse.
To give you an example: back before college, all my friends had lower grades than me, and I felt pretty great about it. Since I wasn't conventionally attractive, didn't have a perfect life, and we were struggling financially at home, I figured if I didn't have the looks or the designer clothes, at least I was the smart one—the one with the edge. Now in college, I hang out with two girls. One is just as sharp as I am, and for some reason I can't quite pin down, I'm not jealous of her; I just respect her. But the other one... maybe it's her attitude, I don't know... I find myself competing with her. It's this gnawing feeling inside whenever she outperforms me. It's a terrible sensation.

Worst of all, I still struggle to tell what's "normal" and what isn't. That confusion goes all the way back to when I was hospitalized after my suicide attempt. Even now, though it's less frequent than before, I still catch myself wondering if my behavior is okay—if these thoughts are even normal.

Seeking professional help... hmm. I've talked to plenty of psychiatrists and psychologists, but I actually found the most comfort from a neurosurgeon in Seattle. He was the first person who truly sat down and talked *to* me, rather than *at* me. He taught me something important, though: a simple conversation helps, even if it's just on a forum. It's easier to open up to people I don't actually know. To be honest, I want you guys to criticize me if you see a reason to—I’ll probably get defensive and think, "Who are these strangers to tell me how to live?"—but at the same time, I'll actually weigh your critiques more heavily because there's no personal baggage involved. It sounds weird, but it worked with my "therapist" in Seattle.

And about the rubber band thing... I've reached a point where I don't want to erase that part of my history. I'm not happy about those experiences, but I think they'll serve me well someday when I'm working with kids. I've accepted it as part of my story. It built me into someone stronger—someone who won't be knocked down by every random gust of wind that blows from out of nowhere.

Did my father view me as a woman? He used to tell me I was his lover—that I was the best kisser he’d ever known—and that since he’d never been with an innocent girl before, I’d be his first.

After my father was sent for a psychiatric evaluation, they diagnosed him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I did a little digging online, looked up the traits, and yeah—it fits him perfectly.

He had this pathological need to control everything. He basically turned the whole family into addicts—people who felt like they’d die if he left—and he loved using those threats against us. He’d constantly play the victim, claiming nobody loved him, even though he never actually did anything to earn it. He was physically abusive toward me and my brother—just straight-up violence—and he abused both of us, while my mother stood by, completely unaware of the sexual abuse happening under her roof.

As for the abuse itself... yes, my father raped me. It happened multiple times, along with all the other things I won't go into detail about right now.

quietranger14 said:You aren't being pathetic. I get it—everyone deals with their own baggage, and honestly, I’d love to just sit down for a coffee with my dad and actually talk, too. But I know deep down that wouldn't change a thing. I'm sorry you're going through all this—I was just reading your thread and 👍
He didn't just say those things to me once upon a time; he kept it up during everything, even afterward. I don't try to wrap my head around his logic because I feel like I'd end up becoming him just to understand... and that scares the hell out of me. He had to control everything—every single detail of my life. Where I went, who my friends were—he'd even wait for me after school just to watch who I hung out with, making sure there wasn't some guy nearby trying to steal me away. Now, I worry that I’m subconsciously trying to micromanage the people around me, even though I swear I'm not. I work so hard to avoid the kind of aggressive outbursts he had (including the physical stuff). I’m terrified I'll wake up one morning and realize I've turned into him.
That is the last thing I ever want to be.

Dear quietranger14, since you grew up being controlled and abused by a narcissist, it’s perfectly natural that you struggle to know what "normal" looks like and feel a lack of self-esteem. That fear of turning into him is also completely understandable, because a father plays such a massive role in building a child's ego and sense of worth. Instead of helping you build yours, he tore it down just to keep you under his thumb forever. Since you've chosen a different path and are working to fully break free, this phase of identifying with the toxicity of your father is a standard part of the process. Your ego wasn't nurtured when it should have been; it was dismantled. His ego is still exerting more influence over you than your own has had the chance to emerge. This is likely why you tie your self-worth so closely to external achievements and competitions—it stems from the relentless criticism and abuse you endured, which stripped away your confidence. You know this feeling well because that is exactly how victims are made to feel. It takes time and a solid therapist, but I think you are incredibly brave and intelligent. You are already navigating much of this on your own, which is proof enough that your ego and self-esteem can be healthy. You aren't anything like him. You will get healthier, happier, and eventually, you'll be in a position to help other kids going through this. 👍

Best, 😘

Self-respect? Yeah, I don't really have that... I've got confidence, sure, but that's a different beast entirely,
though I'm not even sure if you can actually separate the two, but it just feels that way...
but look, you basically just have to force it every single day—even if you don't actually believe it at first—you gotta tell yourself you're awesome, that you're hot, smart, incredible, and just rattle off a bunch of other good traits until you eventually start believing your own hype and actually start acting like it...
and that's pretty much how it works.
I mean, I'm not about to go digging through your entire life story right now, trying to figure out when things went south or what kind of trauma you're dealing with or what some jerk said to you back in high school,
but I honestly think this method works...
Man, maybe I should start doing this myself (though I'll probably just end up being an idiot, won't be an idiot, won't be an idiot... mmmm)

🙂 I used to do that—just constant positive affirmations to basically rewire my own brain. It stopped the whole "I can't handle this" or "why me?" cycle and replaced it with a genuine sense of "yeah, I've got this."

Honestly, though? It feels like my self-esteem and confidence are non-existent right now. Who knew those things were so incredibly fragile—and dependent on so many moving parts?

It’s funny how helpful these online communities can be. There’s something about being anonymous that lets you vent all those hidden burdens—stuff you don't even fully understand yourself, yet it still weighs you down.