Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, things have just been absolutely piling up on my plate lately... Thank you all so much for the replies, seriously, you've really given me a lot to chew on.
rapidhawk60 said:This sounds a lot like an inferiority complex to me. It seems like you're actually crushing it in certain areas of your life, but you refuse to give yourself credit or realize those wins are worth celebrating. As for the extra weight, don't sweat it too much—you aren't the only person dealing with that. Besides, you can always decide to tackle it whenever you want; it just takes a bit of willpower to make that kind of change. I know it's way easier to just sit around and whine about being "overweight," but does it really cause you that much actual trouble?
You mentioned at the start that you have plenty of reasons to be happy. Why don't you try building your confidence around those things instead?
I don't know if it's an inferiority complex or what, because if you were implying that maybe my family doesn't value me or something like that, then no, that isn't it at all... I've always had better grades than my brother, my parents absolutely adore me, and I don't recall ever feeling less than worthy, honestly, they might have even preferred me slightly over him (but those are tiny details)...
What I mean is, I did lose weight once, but then I hit this massive wave of stress and everything just came right back, and ever since then, I've been constantly battling these numbers on the scale, like I find a connection to them in every single sentence I say. Today, I ran into this guy I used to date and he didn't recognize me at first, and then he goes, "I didn't recognize you," and immediately, my brain just went, *It's because you gained weight, this is how you look to him now,* and all these other stupid, intrusive thoughts. And I know they're awful and I shouldn't be having them, I'm fully aware of that, but they're just... they're still there. But that one sentence was enough to completely wreck my entire day and leave me feeling so miserable.
On the other hand, I'm terrified that if I actually fix the weight issue, it'll turn out that the weight was just a side effect of me trying to hide the fact that I might be gay, which is something I only started accepting about a year ago and I'm feeling a bit more settled about it, but then my head starts spinning again thinking, *Wait, if that isn't the problem, then what on earth is?*
Donna White50 said:Those "extra" pounds you say you have? They aren't actually the problem... they're just how you're compensating. You're projecting this negative self-image onto your physical appearance—thinking that being overweight means you don't deserve happiness, or pleasure, or for things to get better in life.
Even if you hit your goal weight—which isn't even that hard, just a few months of dieting—you probably wouldn't feel any better. Honestly, it might be easier to stay a little curvy just so you have a reason to feel bad... We all have this tendency to spiral like that, looking for external proof of our internal insecurities, whether it’s through how we look or how we act (like telling ourselves "I don't deserve to go out," "I don't deserve a relationship," or "I don't deserve success").
But you also have this drive to prove yourself because of those deep-seated insecurities, except you only focus on things you can totally control—like perfectionism, crushing it at college, or keeping up appearances with friends...
The second anything slips out of your absolute control—like going out, being in a new environment, meeting strangers, or even dating a guy—you just totally freak out and all those negative emotions come crashing down like an avalanche...
It feels like you haven't actually built real self-confidence yet; you've just built a way to compensate for its absence. It's like you're on a scale—on one side, you've got this pile of self-doubt and negativity, and on the other, you're trying to balance it out with personal achievements, intelligence, and social life...
As soon as that balance shifts, your whole world feels like it's falling apart...
If you actually had genuine confidence, you wouldn't give a damn about ten extra pounds, what people think of you, or what your parents think. You'd tell anyone exactly what's on your mind without worrying about being judged. You'd go out and socialize because you actually want to have fun, and you'd date someone because you want to express your feelings and your sexuality with someone who's actually attractive, fun, and catches your eye...
So, just really think about whether what I'm saying rings true. Real confidence comes from doing the inner work. From what I can tell, you have a pretty decent life, so you shouldn't be struggling this much...
To be totally honest, I couldn't describe myself any better; I've always played that exact card back in college and high school, trying to influence my grades as much as possible to balance out my failures in other areas (and for me, those failures are my physical appearance). My body is the biggest issue for me right now, and I know I need to lose weight, but I am just so incredibly exhausted from dieting and constantly calculating every single thing I eat, deciding what to pick or what to reject... I end up eating just because I'm bored or stressed, and I honestly can't control myself at all. I know everything there is to know about healthy eating and working out, truly, truly a lot. I've spent years reading articles and browsing forums about it and I know the theory inside and out, but in practice, I just can't seem to make it happen right now. Usually, when I commit to something, it has to be strictly by the book; I hate wandering aimlessly, and that doesn't just apply to diets, it applies to everything in my life...
Right now, I honestly couldn't be in a relationship because I would misinterpret every single word anyone said and I wouldn't be able to relax for a second. Letting someone get close to me and seeing even a glimpse of my problems would be so difficult. But then again, part of me desperately wants someone by my side, as long as they aren't just friends...
But what kind of "work" is supposed to fix self-confidence?
Lawrence Bailey77 said:Not really, 😵 I suppose you can't teach an old dog new tricks 😬 ... one simply adapts to the old ways. It isn't quite possible; certain traits and core temperaments are essentially hardwired from birth, though I guess you can direct them or adjust them—perhaps amplifying or suppressing certain aspects here and there
I wouldn't even characterize it as a problem for myself, since I lived quite normally in my environment, provided we ignore those rather devastating traumas that served to amplify everything negative within and around me 😵
- And besides, worrying about other people's struggles doesn't diminish your own. Therein lies an example of redirecting self-criticism "to your advantage" 👍 ... you remain faithful to that critical nature, yet you learn to utilize it for your own benefit. I imagine that's fairly clear 😉
It is all quite maddening, really. It certainly isn't as easy or enjoyable as this "casual writing" might suggest. Everything requires a slow, steady carving—masterful work, much like sculpting stone, if one wants it to endure. Just consider how long those specific personality traits and psychological mechanisms have been being carved out since the moment you were born. One shouldn't set overly ambitious goals. Though, truth be told, I tend to hold both myself and others to very high standards, and because I am primarily focused on my own development, I perhaps overreach in my expectations and set the bar too high 😬 so I find myself wondering if I can manage to achieve even half of what I intend. Yet, by God, experience has shown me I was right; those expectations eventually manifest. One must arm oneself with patience and persistence 👍 and not forget the importance of empathy; one must show mercy to oneself in order to show mercy to others 🙂
lived🙂
That's my plan too, to pack next semester full of stuff, and if I achieve even half of what I plan, that's great.
Those traits have been being carved out since birth, but who is to blame for the bad ones that showed up? Why were those the ones that took over?
I really, really need patience and persistence right now, but...
crimsonpuma23 said:Rhyme or reason, who cares when you're feeling this low.. 😁
You're sharp, kid, things will look up by tomorrow morning. 👍 Because honestly, tomorrow is always smarter than... yeah.
It feels like your biggest hurdle is just burying everything and acting like nothing's wrong. You even said it yourself—the more you try to bottle it up, the more it suffocates you. You're struggling because of that mindset, but watch out, because there's a trap here: you could end up getting addicted to the suffering, creating this endless loop. It happened to me, and let me tell you, it'll spin you around like a damn toy..
My mood can flip in a literal heartbeat whenever some dark, negative thought starts creeping into my head, but it’s specifically that heavy, crushing sensation that really sets me off. It gets to the point where I can't even have a normal conversation with anyone anymore because I start finding connections in absolutely everything 😢