29 posts shown.
Being hooked on a forum—much like any other human dependency—is actually a healthy, necessary part of being a social creature on this planet. Anyone who thinks they can pull everything off solo is either living in some sort of psychotic delusion or genuinely believes they are God. In reality, we are all fundamentally dependent on one another: we rely on farmers to grow our food, the local Whole Foods to stock our pantries, our employers to keep us solvent, and even the feedback from strangers just to get a clear sense of who we actually are and what we want out of life.
The trouble starts when you misunderstand the nature of that dependency. If you walk into a Best Buy expecting to find a loaf of sourdough, you’re clearly in the wrong aisle; while that makes perfect material sense, it fails on a spiritual level. To put it bluntly, if you expect an online forum, your TV, or apps like WhatsApp and Instagram to serve as actual substitutes for real human connection, you're going to be disappointed. You simply won't find it there. But...
If you view this as a legitimate space for exchanging data or venting about your personal struggles, then you're looking at things the right way.
Broadly speaking, this is a fantastic resource for what it is. As long as we don't fall into the trap of over-idealizing it or demanding things that are simply beyond its scope, this kind of digital dependency is more than welcome.
How can you even tell? By definition, no two days are ever truly identical, and frankly, neither are we. We’re constantly evolving.
Honestly, it’s like watching a lion in the Serengeti pace the exact same patch of dirt every single day, trapped in a loop with the same tired group of players...
There wouldn't be any lions left at all
.
.
..
Just like how there aren't many decent people left these days!
All that remains are a bunch of lobotomized fanatics following a game that isn't even happening anymore🙂
Carl Rivera43 said:But seriously, how on earth is that considered normal?
That is a massive rabbit hole, Carl Rivera43, though admittedly a fascinating one—perhaps I'll dive into it with a more substantial post over the weekend. For now, here are just a few observations regarding my perspective on what constitutes a true death in the broader sense:
- grinding away at the exact same job for your entire career;
- being with the same partner for your whole life;
- adhering strictly to a rigid moral code for decades;
- spending every Sunday in church and other similar institutions for a lifetime;
- and so on.
The common denominator:
Doing the exact same things day in and day out for a lifetime.
That is the death of the soul.
-
Carl Rivera43 said:So, what actually is death?
The end. Period. Full stop. Done. Over.
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briskpuma6 said:I’ve been chewing on this step for a long time, but here I am, finally stepping into the ring. To be blunt, I don't "trust" therapists; my past experiences with them have been nothing short of a disaster. It always feels like things that should be resolved in a month get dragged out for years for absolutely no reason. There is a motive behind that stalling, certainly, but it definitely isn't working in the patient's favor. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and dig through the literature myself to figure out what is actually happening and how to climb out of this hole. I’ve read through almost the entire saga of the "current" situation—her divorce, her psychological state, all of it—and I found myself staring at a mirror of my own story. Her last post hit me the hardest: ten years later, and there is still no peace. I’ll offer my answer right at the start, then I’ll attempt to explain. I won't dive into the gritty details just yet; I'll save those for a later conversation, if anyone actually wants to hear them.
My take is that she is stuck in this exact same state because she is making one massive mistake, year after year: she is looking for the wrong thing from the wrong person!
I fell into that exact same trap with my ex-wife, spinning in a loop for a while. People told me—and she told me—that she loved me, but she just needed "time"; that she had a traumatic childhood; that I needed to be more understanding; that I needed to learn to love myself and that she was my soulmate... In reality, I didn't even know what love was (ridiculous, isn't it?); I didn't know who was supposed to give it to me; I didn't even understand why two people get married in the first place. I knew NOTHING! And when you know nothing, you just sit down and wait for the floor to fall out from under you.
I discovered that love is a "decision."
I discovered that love is something you "learn" (from your mother; it isn't some innate instinct).
I discovered that to be loved by someone, you have to love yourself; and I also discovered that to love yourself (listen closely!), you have to have been loved by others first (primarily your parents).
I discovered that without love, people die and fall ill (psychologically first, then physically).
I discovered that people who can truly be alone are never actually alone: the love of their parents, siblings, and family is always present (you can hear their influence constantly in your daily life).
I discovered that too much love can lead to a catastrophe.
I discovered that you will likely end up in the same kind of relationship your parents were in.
If you have a moderate amount of love (your family loves you, your community loves you, and you love yourself, and you are loved in return), then you have the will to live; otherwise, you are either paralyzed or hyperactive.
So, let me repeat the core of this vicious cycle: to love yourself, you MUST have been loved; and to be loved, you MUST love yourself.
How do you break the loop?
Therapists act as if, by some divine gift, you can simply teach yourself to love yourself so that you can eventually be loved.
When I say "teach," I mean acquiring that primal sense of security your mother should have provided, which you then develop with your father, maturing over the years into a healthy adult personality integrated into your society.
Did you succeed?
I think most of us fail by the tenth year! Because if it were that easy, we wouldn't need parents or a community; we would live like snakes, solitary and cold, rather than like mammals (which is what we are). We just swap an addiction to a partner for an addiction to a therapist. We become even sicker: we convince ourselves we can do everything alone and that we are entirely self-sufficient. What comforting lies! Beautiful consolations and pretty words. The best advice I’ve ever heard is to "start small," to find happiness in personal health and self-care. All of that helps, and it's fine. I love sports (I'm a gym and running guy), I love meditation (Osho is my guru), I love reading (currently diving into Bowlby), I love cooking (Mediterranean style), I love my job (I won't tell you what it is), and I love being social (BBQs and beer), but....
I don't have parents, I don't have brothers or sisters, I have no extended family, and I completely uprooted my entire life and moved away because of the divorce.
She didn't love me because I didn't love myself, which stems from the fact that my own mother never loved me.
And that's the bottom line. I was looking for something from her that I should have received from my mother. A perfect target. I was persistent, becoming better, harder working, and more diligent, only to realize in the end that it was all pointless. So what should I do now? Work on myself (learn to love myself) just so I can find someone else to love me? Hahahaha, I think I’d rather stay in this black depression I'm in. First, psychologists teach us that things must happen "naturally," and then they turn around and say we MUST put in extraordinary effort and work on ourselves. Who's the crazy one here? Us, paying them huge sums of money, or them, exploiting us?
I’ve actually got a much better theory!
(It requires zero labor, zero effort, and it's completely free)
Let's just act as each other's "therapists." Honestly, who else is going to truly get us or feel what we're going through better than people facing the exact same struggles? We should support one another, learn from one another, and just let things happen naturally. Let's build a community.
Here is what we stand to gain:
A kindred circle (so we stop bothering neighbors who don't understand our headspace);
We save a fortune on professional therapy costs (though we'll still need a little cash for coffee);
We won't have to face this alone.
Feel free to hit my inbox, but I'm setting one ground rule: do not message me about sex or marriage. I am looking for walks, deep conversations, and grabbing a coffee. Maybe hitting the beach or doing some sports.
Don't let them get you down!
This post is no longer active!
I’ve been chewing on this step for a long time, but here I am, finally stepping into the ring. To be blunt, I don't "trust" therapists; my past experiences with them have been nothing short of a disaster. It always feels like things that should be resolved in a month get dragged out for years for absolutely no reason. There is a motive behind that stalling, certainly, but it definitely isn't working in the patient's favor. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and dig through the literature myself to figure out what is actually happening and how to climb out of this hole. I’ve read through almost the entire saga of the "current" situation—her divorce, her psychological state, all of it—and I found myself staring at a mirror of my own story. Her last post hit me the hardest: ten years later, and there is still no peace. I’ll offer my answer right at the start, then I’ll attempt to explain. I won't dive into the gritty details just yet; I'll save those for a later conversation, if anyone actually wants to hear them.
My take is that she is stuck in this exact same state because she is making one massive mistake, year after year: she is looking for the wrong thing from the wrong person!
I fell into that exact same trap with my ex-wife, spinning in a loop for a while. People told me—and she told me—that she loved me, but she just needed "time"; that she had a traumatic childhood; that I needed to be more understanding; that I needed to learn to love myself and that she was my soulmate... In reality, I didn't even know what love was (ridiculous, isn't it?); I didn't know who was supposed to give it to me; I didn't even understand why two people get married in the first place. I knew NOTHING! And when you know nothing, you just sit down and wait for the floor to fall out from under you.
I discovered that love is a "decision."
I discovered that love is something you "learn" (from your mother; it isn't some innate instinct).
I discovered that to be loved by someone, you have to love yourself; and I also discovered that to love yourself (listen closely!), you have to have been loved by others first (primarily your parents).
I discovered that without love, people die and fall ill (psychologically first, then physically).
I discovered that people who can truly be alone are never actually alone: the love of their parents, siblings, and family is always present (you can hear their influence constantly in your daily life).
I discovered that too much love can lead to a catastrophe.
I discovered that you will likely end up in the same kind of relationship your parents were in.
If you have a moderate amount of love (your family loves you, your community loves you, and you love yourself, and you are loved in return), then you have the will to live; otherwise, you are either paralyzed or hyperactive.
So, let me repeat the core of this vicious cycle: to love yourself, you MUST have been loved; and to be loved, you MUST love yourself.
How do you break the loop?
Therapists act as if, by some divine gift, you can simply teach yourself to love yourself so that you can eventually be loved.
When I say "teach," I mean acquiring that primal sense of security your mother should have provided, which you then develop with your father, maturing over the years into a healthy adult personality integrated into your society.
Did you succeed?
I think most of us fail by the tenth year! Because if it were that easy, we wouldn't need parents or a community; we would live like snakes, solitary and cold, rather than like mammals (which is what we are). We just swap an addiction to a partner for an addiction to a therapist. We become even sicker: we convince ourselves we can do everything alone and that we are entirely self-sufficient. What comforting lies! Beautiful consolations and pretty words. The best advice I’ve ever heard is to "start small," to find happiness in personal health and self-care. All of that helps, and it's fine. I love sports (I'm a gym and running guy), I love meditation (Osho is my guru), I love reading (currently diving into Bowlby), I love cooking (Mediterranean style), I love my job (I won't tell you what it is), and I love being social (BBQs and beer), but....
I don't have parents, I don't have brothers or sisters, I have no extended family, and I completely uprooted my entire life and moved away because of the divorce.
She didn't love me because I didn't love myself, which stems from the fact that my own mother never loved me.
And that's the bottom line. I was looking for something from her that I should have received from my mother. A perfect target. I was persistent, becoming better, harder working, and more diligent, only to realize in the end that it was all pointless. So what should I do now? Work on myself (learn to love myself) just so I can find someone else to love me? Hahahaha, I think I’d rather stay in this black depression I'm in. First, psychologists teach us that things must happen "naturally," and then they turn around and say we MUST put in extraordinary effort and work on ourselves. Who's the crazy one here? Us, paying them huge sums of money, or them, exploiting us?
I’ve actually got a much better theory!
(It requires zero labor, zero effort, and it's completely free)
Let's just act as each other's "therapists." Honestly, who else is going to truly get us or feel what we're going through better than people facing the exact same struggles? We should support one another, learn from one another, and just let things happen naturally. Let's build a community.
Here is what we stand to gain:
A kindred circle (so we stop bothering neighbors who don't understand our headspace);
We save a fortune on professional therapy costs (though we'll still need a little cash for coffee);
We won't have to face this alone.
Feel free to hit my inbox, but I'm setting one ground rule: do not message me about sex or marriage. I am looking for walks, deep conversations, and grabbing a coffee. Maybe hitting the beach or doing some sports.
Don't let them get you down!
Hey there!
I suspect we’re walking a pretty similar path right now. Personally, I found that my mental state—which I’d go so far as to say improved significantly—really started to turn around once I began hanging out with people facing the exact same struggles. It’s actually the reason I decided to join this forum in the first place.
If you ever need to vent or just want to chat, don't hesitate to shoot me a DM.