How do you know if you've actually changed?

How does a person actually change? What are the telltale signs of transformation?

My thoughts were along these lines...

Is it actually possible to change? To alter our habits, our behaviors, or our fundamental flaws?

Can intensive self-work truly "eliminate" those deep-seated struggles that feel like an abyss?

Does that old saying "a leopard can't change its spots" hold any truth?

I am questioning this concept of "character." Can a shift in nature ever be proven, or is everything ultimately just *res non verba*?

So, why does making changes actually matter?

frozengardener7 said:My thoughts were along these lines...

Is it actually possible to change? To alter our habits, our behaviors, or our fundamental flaws?

Can intensive self-work truly "eliminate" those deep-seated struggles that feel like an abyss?

Does that old saying "a leopard can't change its spots" hold any truth?

I am questioning this concept of "character." Can a shift in nature ever be proven, or is everything ultimately just *res non verba*?

It’s rare, but possible...

Habits can be broken through sheer willpower.
Behavior requires much more heavy lifting and self-awareness.
As for flaws, if they can be fixed, they will be. If not, you simply learn to live with them...

I know a former colleague who spent years being aggressive, vulgar, and constantly picking fights. He's calmer now, but I'll be blunt: he's still not someone you'd trust...

Then there are others who start out calm and somehow become emotionally immature as the years go by.

Carl Rivera43 said:So, why does making changes actually matter?

People are constantly evolving. Their worldview shifts. Their entire perspective changes.

Everyone strives for self-improvement. Those who resist it simply stagnate. They sink into a loop of inward contemplation that serves no purpose, effectively erasing any connection to the world outside themselves.

Carl Rivera43 said:So, why does making changes actually matter?

well, I mean, dead people and fools aren't going to change, I guess. the dead ones are pretty harmless, so maybe that part is fine. 🎉

frozengardener7 said:People are constantly evolving. Their worldview shifts. Their entire perspective changes.

Everyone strives for self-improvement. Those who resist it simply stagnate. They sink into a loop of inward contemplation that serves no purpose, effectively erasing any connection to the world outside themselves.

Everyone? Well, that depends on how you look at it.

I mean, sure, maybe some changes happen, but if most of your past life was actually pretty decent, why go chasing big changes?

gentlestag3 said:well, I mean, dead people and fools aren't going to change, I guess. the dead ones are pretty harmless, so maybe that part is fine. 🎉

But wait, how are we even defining a fool here? And why on earth would they be considered dangerous?

You start noticing you've changed over time. It happens when you realize you’re reacting to things differently than you used to, even if your default setting was always the same. People will definitely pick up on it too—whether your relationships are heading south or getting better, someone who actually gives a damn about you is going to call it out.

I can't help but wonder if what you're really asking is how you can tell when someone else has changed.🙂

William Hall61 said:You start noticing you've changed over time. It happens when you realize you’re reacting to things differently than you used to, even if your default setting was always the same. People will definitely pick up on it too—whether your relationships are heading south or getting better, someone who actually gives a damn about you is going to call it out.

I can't help but wonder if what you're really asking is how you can tell when someone else has changed.🙂

Parents, friends, or maybe an ex... It’s one of those... 🕺

Yeah, I’m on the same page. Honestly, there isn't some clear-cut signal to let you know someone has actually done the work to change. You just have to wait and see how things play out over time.

There is one dead giveaway, though, that tells me someone hasn't changed an inch—it's when they spend all their energy trying to convince you that they have.

William Hall61 said:Yeah, I’m on the same page. Honestly, there isn't some clear-cut signal to let you know someone has actually done the work to change. You just have to wait and see how things play out over time.

There is one dead giveaway, though, that tells me someone hasn't changed an inch—it's when they spend all their energy trying to convince you that they have.

Those are always the most entertaining ones... 😁

William Hall61 said:Yeah, I’m on the same page. Honestly, there isn't some clear-cut signal to let you know someone has actually done the work to change. You just have to wait and see how things play out over time.

There is one dead giveaway, though, that tells me someone hasn't changed an inch—it's when they spend all their energy trying to convince you that they have.

Wrong. I am asking for myself. 🙂

crimsonmoose3 said:Those are always the most entertaining ones... 😁

Yeah, they really are. Exactly. 😬

frozengardener7 said:Wrong. I am asking for myself. 🙂

Sweet.
Like I said, you'll start to notice it on your own eventually, and I'm sure plenty of other people will try to point it out to you too. 🙂 Don't go expecting things to flip overnight like you can just blink and see a total transformation. Real change takes time.

If you're looking for something more tangible, like actually breaking a habit, you won't notice it while it's happening. You'll just be going about your day, maybe working on a project or grabbing coffee, and suddenly it hits you—you realize you've been doing things differently without even thinking about it, or that an old, annoying habit just isn't part of your routine anymore. 🙂

For sixteen years, my mental illness was on an absolute upward trajectory. I wasn't thinking clearly—just constant contemplation, imagination, and obsessions.

Following my psychiatrist's advice, I attempted to spend some time alone, which proved incredibly difficult. However, also following her guidance, I started making daily to-do lists. It was a struggle at first, but eventually, I grew to enjoy my own company, established productive habits, and regained the ability to think rationally. I haven't conquered my fundamental flaws yet, but I am genuinely trying. I am fighting against my own nature to "tame" myself. It is exhausting, and I realize this is a long-term process. That progress will eventually become evident in how I interact with others.

Starting over from scratch is heavy, but a certain spark of enthusiasm keeps me moving. I’m still taking massive doses of medication, so perhaps they deserve some credit. But even so... I tell myself, "Look, you actually achieved something; you changed." Then, immediately, the dark thoughts flood back and I tell myself: "You'll never change. You aren't a person; you are just your illness."

William Hall61 said:Yeah, I’m on the same page. Honestly, there isn't some clear-cut signal to let you know someone has actually done the work to change. You just have to wait and see how things play out over time.

There is one dead giveaway, though, that tells me someone hasn't changed an inch—it's when they spend all their energy trying to convince you that they have.

That is a profound statement.

People aren't their illnesses... try not to let a diagnosis become your whole identity, no matter how much it hits you hard...

Opinions change, habits shift, and ways of thinking evolve—but true character and temperament? That stays pretty much set in stone.

As we get older, certain parts of our personality might soften or sharpen up, but honestly, that’s just the natural aging process happening to us—it's not really some grand achievement from "working on ourselves" or anything like that.

At the end of the day, acceptance is everything. Everything else is just within our own little sphere of control.

Dana Davis5 said:People aren't their illnesses... try not to let a diagnosis become your whole identity, no matter how much it hits you hard...

Opinions change, habits shift, and ways of thinking evolve—but true character and temperament? That stays pretty much set in stone.

As we get older, certain parts of our personality might soften or sharpen up, but honestly, that’s just the natural aging process happening to us—it's not really some grand achievement from "working on ourselves" or anything like that.

At the end of the day, acceptance is everything. Everything else is just within our own little sphere of control.

Temperament doesn't. But character? Hmm. I feel shifts. I'm calmer now. Less dramatic, less theatrical, less impatient, less fearful. I stand my ground on a single position or goal, though those shift when reality demands it—because, my God, nobody knows everything.

But, but, but... there's that "but" again. Are those mood stabilizers talking?

frozengardener7 said:For sixteen years, my mental illness was on an absolute upward trajectory. I wasn't thinking clearly—just constant contemplation, imagination, and obsessions.

Following my psychiatrist's advice, I attempted to spend some time alone, which proved incredibly difficult. However, also following her guidance, I started making daily to-do lists. It was a struggle at first, but eventually, I grew to enjoy my own company, established productive habits, and regained the ability to think rationally. I haven't conquered my fundamental flaws yet, but I am genuinely trying. I am fighting against my own nature to "tame" myself. It is exhausting, and I realize this is a long-term process. That progress will eventually become evident in how I interact with others.

Starting over from scratch is heavy, but a certain spark of enthusiasm keeps me moving. I’m still taking massive doses of medication, so perhaps they deserve some credit. But even so... I tell myself, "Look, you actually achieved something; you changed." Then, immediately, the dark thoughts flood back and I tell myself: "You'll never change. You aren't a person; you are just your illness."

🙂 that’s just weird 🙂

Look, change isn't some finish line you cross; it's a constant, never-ending grind. It's great that you're working on yourself, seriously, props to you.
Just lean into the process and try to be patient with yourself. You don't really see the big picture until years have passed and you look back at who you were five or ten years ago compared to who you were just yesterday.

Success is whatever you make it, so if there's something specific you actually want to nail down, focus on that to see real progress—like tackling a specific phobia or something.

Anyway, good luck 🙂