Posts by rapidmaker15

Ever since I can remember, whenever I've felt down, I’ve just kept it all bottled up inside—never letting it leak out to anyone else. Even when I was younger, I didn't really go around sharing my feelings with people. I just handled my own problems, period. It’s hard to break that habit now, and honestly, I feel like there’s no point in dragging someone else down with my issues anyway.
Writing stuff like this on the forum actually brought back some childhood memories I thought I’d moved past

briskpuma6 said:If I were you, I’d stop relying on Google. Not every narcissist is an exploitative, lying, cheating, manipulative, moronic, energy-vampire, lowlife jerk... Most of what you see on YouTube—and from what I’ve gathered, almost everything out there—focuses exclusively on malignant narcissists.

There are also benign types: brilliant, honest, respectable, progressive, hardworking, and focused individuals. They don't manipulate, lie, or exploit anyone; they aren't deviants, because let's be real, we're all a little bit deviant in our own ways.

It all comes down to upbringing and environment, and certainly genetics too, though I won't get sidetracked into that debate.

However, the common thread linking both groups is anger and emptiness. Followed by a total lack of empathy, an inability to exist in solitude—essentially a dependency on other people's emotions. They get bored easily and are constantly hunting for the next thrill. And last but certainly not least: a complete absence of guilt!

Have you ever stayed awake at night because you knew you had hurt someone so deeply? Have you ever felt that physical knot in your stomach for days on end because you caused someone pain? Have you? What did you actually do to make amends? How long did your apology last? Did you ever actually offer to fix the situation—meaning, did you spend entire days obsessing over how, when, and in what way to provide a solution?

How is it that you feel no remorse for your parents? How can you not call them, knowing full well they are suffering because of you? How can you not care?

Depression and anger are inextricably linked.

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend in the same apartment for more than two months? How was it? How did you feel? Which emotions took over? How did you feel in the morning when you woke up next to him? Were you affectionate, or did you practically jump out of bed? And at night, did you actually want to sit and watch TV with him, or did you just flee to sleep?

I suppose that's enough questions for now. 🙂

I don't really feel anger—that’s just not my thing—nor do I think I lack empathy for people. But, I guess I could admit to feeling empty. Somewhere deep down under the surface, there's probably some suppressed sadness... or maybe fear. Fear of being alone, I suppose. I’m always willing to step up and help others, but the issue is that I tend to build a wall the second the roles are reversed. I listen much more than I actually speak.

Maybe you're right, maybe I am a narcissist. How does one even change that? I don't want to live like this—it all feels so hollow.

briskpuma6 said:If I were you, I’d stop relying on Google. Not every narcissist is an exploitative, lying, cheating, manipulative, moronic, energy-vampire, lowlife jerk... Most of what you see on YouTube—and from what I’ve gathered, almost everything out there—focuses exclusively on malignant narcissists.

There are also benign types: brilliant, honest, respectable, progressive, hardworking, and focused individuals. They don't manipulate, lie, or exploit anyone; they aren't deviants, because let's be real, we're all a little bit deviant in our own ways.

It all comes down to upbringing and environment, and certainly genetics too, though I won't get sidetracked into that debate.

However, the common thread linking both groups is anger and emptiness. Followed by a total lack of empathy, an inability to exist in solitude—essentially a dependency on other people's emotions. They get bored easily and are constantly hunting for the next thrill. And last but certainly not least: a complete absence of guilt!

Have you ever stayed awake at night because you knew you had hurt someone so deeply? Have you ever felt that physical knot in your stomach for days on end because you caused someone pain? Have you? What did you actually do to make amends? How long did your apology last? Did you ever actually offer to fix the situation—meaning, did you spend entire days obsessing over how, when, and in what way to provide a solution?

How is it that you feel no remorse for your parents? How can you not call them, knowing full well they are suffering because of you? How can you not care?

Depression and anger are inextricably linked.

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend in the same apartment for more than two months? How was it? How did you feel? Which emotions took over? How did you feel in the morning when you woke up next to him? Were you affectionate, or did you practically jump out of bed? And at night, did you actually want to sit and watch TV with him, or did you just flee to sleep?

I suppose that's enough questions for now. 🙂

The only thing that comes to mind regarding me hurting someone is my exes—I just didn't give them the emotional support they deserved. I don't know how much they suffered because of it, honestly. But the fact is, it didn't really eat at me much.

I don't feel bad for my parents, I don't feel any need to call them, and I just don't have an emotional connection with them. I don't believe they're suffering either, since they don't reach out to me; I don't think we're bonded in the way most people are, since we never really hugged or did anything together...

I've never lived with anyone. Back when I was in college, I used to be more affectionate, but over time that faded. Now, I don't even know how to love someone anymore, let alone how to start a relationship. I'm terrified of getting into something hollow, but I'm also scared of being alone.

briskpuma6 said:The one asking the questions is the one driving the conversation, effectively seizing the upper hand. Narcissists have this pathological need to micromanage every single interaction—they must dominate both themselves and everyone else—which is precisely why they suppress any semblance of true emotion; they are deathly afraid of being vulnerable or showing their soul to anyone.

Don't even think about sitting there expecting an actual answer from them.
They’re the ones doing all the interrogating! 🙂

I did a little digging into narcissistic personality types—mostly just some random sites that popped up on Google, which aren't exactly peer-reviewed medical journals, I know—🙂 and honestly, none of it rings true for me. It says things like, "They believe they are superior to others, constantly comparing themselves, boasting, feeling envious, struggling to focus on work, draining people, exploiting others..." Well, if I actually fit that description and just haven't realized it yet, then my issues go way deeper than just being emotionally detached.😵

Andrew Barrett4 said:Quincy:

I don't really recall many instances where I felt genuinely sad, or if I did, I can't quite remember how people reacted. It feels more like I was just carrying sadness "inside" rather than actually showing it to anyone. I was pretty much on my own most of the time, but I honestly can't say how that felt at the moment. My childhood memories are mostly a blur anyway; I struggle to pin down any specific emotions from back then, even if they were there. I have a sister, though, and she’s probably the one person I feel closest to.

But where were your parents when they saw you withdrawing like that? They should have stepped in during those critical developmental stages—guiding you, encouraging you, maybe even taking you to see a school counselor or a child psychologist.

A parent's job isn't just about putting food on the table, keeping you clothed, and making sure you have a roof over your head. That's the bare minimum. Their role is much broader: teaching you how to navigate life, fostering independence, helping you socialize, and teaching you how to recognize and express emotions. They're supposed to be there to guide you and, more importantly, to react when something deviates significantly from the norm. Because they are the parents, they aren't just encouraged to flag developmental or behavioral issues early on—they are obligated to. They need to act when things look off.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like you might have been "invisible." Everything seemed to be going smoothly enough; you weren't causing trouble, and nobody was having problems with you, so I guess no one bothered to check in on your emotional state—or lack thereof. And so, time just slipped by. 🤷 (If you had been a handful or if someone else had been struggling because of you, things would have gone differently, believe me. 😁)

The reason I'm bringing this up is that certain things can only be learned or internalized during specific developmental windows in childhood. If you miss those windows or if no one reacts in time... well, the ship has sailed. Of course, therapy still has value; you can learn things through an adaptive model, essentially treating them as coping skills. But it's hard for those things to ever become a truly authentic part of who you are.

I suspect you could still practice being close to people—you know, things like holding hands or physical affection—just to give them what they need, or perhaps just providing the bare minimum so they'll stay near you. But at this stage of your life, after following that particular developmental path, it's unlikely to become an innate part of your personality. You'll probably always feel some level of discomfort during intimate contact. To actually get close and connect with others, you’d have to consciously push past a part of yourself. In the long run, that is incredibly, incredibly difficult. (Do you actually want that? I sometimes wonder if human connections are overrated, though that's probably because, unlike you, I find myself enjoying solitude more and more as I get older.)

So, I can't help but wonder: where was everyone all this time when it came to seeking help?

They actually did a lot, especially my mom. I never really caused any problems—I wouldn't say I was necessarily withdrawn, just that I didn't really express emotions much. I have some vague memories of being sad, but it was always something internal, you know? It wasn't something I showed outwardly. I don't think I looked like a kid who needed help at the time, though looking back now, it’s honestly pretty hard to even remember properly.

😵

Joseph Bailey41 said:

How much of this description resonates with you?
How much of this description resonates with you?
Not entirely—maybe just bits and pieces, specifically under section 1, parts 2, 5, and 9.

Nancy Lee84 said:You aren't rambling.
You hate being alone because being alone means facing yourself. Most people are like that.
Those existential encounters trigger a totally valid kind of fear.
I've written a ton about loneliness.
Loneliness is really just a measure of volume. It defines how much of "us" there is. How much of us is missing.

That’s why you need others. Because there isn't enough of you right now. And you know it. You're smart—I can tell from the way you phrase things. But that's also your blessing, because intelligence is the only way to actually reach fulfillment. To find a meaningful self. And you're only truly meaningful when you stop fearing those existential confrontations. When answers to those deep questions don't give you that famous nausea that some smart guy in Paris used to talk about after hanging out with his girlfriend... maybe for similar reasons as why you started this thread.

Everything you wrote about yourself basically ties back to your social and family conditioning. Whatever the reason, it never taught you—or showed you—how to actually reach your true self.
Reaching yourself only happens through gentleness and being real with yourself. But you're harsh. That toughness shows up in your writing style, too. Your roughness is both structural and learned, but it's uniquely yours. Like some unwanted gift from fate.

You hit the nail on the head noticing that stripping down isn't necessarily intimate. That's just standard societal chatter. True intimacy is actually about reaching that core.
You asked the right question, even if it was a bit shaky since it's built on some fuzzy premises. I mean that part in bold italics.
Emotions and logic work together as one force. They aren't opposites. The moment you're rational, you're emotional too. And vice versa. That’s pretty much the current neuroscience paradigm anyway.

I just want to say you're right. Emotions are created through believing in yourself, not through feeling like you lack yourself... which is clearly what you're feeling right now.

For as long as I can remember, I haven't really been an emotional person, but as I get older, it feels like that gap is just widening. Honestly, I’m scared of having kids because I doubt I could provide enough love or closeness? I feel like I wouldn't be able to truly connect with them. Maybe I'll just end up alone. And honestly, maybe that’s for the best. It’s incredibly hard to do the work and change who you are once you're an adult and already set in your ways—especially when life is already so busy with everything else.

Thanks to everyone for the comments and advice.

[QUOTE=Donna White50;81868107]
Relationships just can't hold up if there’s no core substance or emotional glue holding them together. Once the physical side is over, you just feel this urge to get up and leave—any kind of tenderness actually feels irritating, almost uncomfortable, so you end up sending signals to your partner that you don't love them, you don't need them, or you just don't want them near you. Long-term? That’s basically a blueprint for a total disaster.
Real connections exist so you can actually strip away the layers in front of someone you trust—so you can finally be your authentic self, express emotions, passion, spontaneity, and just have fun, knowing you're accepted for exactly who you are, even at your most vulnerable. [quote/]

- I agree, that's pretty much spot on.

[QUOTE=Donna White50;81868107]
How would your parents have reacted back when you were a kid and feeling sad? Would they have been cold and distant, pushing you away? Would they have failed to understand you, or maybe even scolded you just because you were struggling or crying?
Did they leave you alone to the point where you were terrified about when they’d come home—or if they’d even show up at all? How did that feel at the time...? Did you have to take on the responsibility of looking after a sibling or some other family member, essentially being forced to grow up way too fast?
Some people can dive straight into those traumas and remember everything, while others suppress it all and remember nothing—they might recall the general outline of their parents, but none of the specific moments... [QUOTE/]

I don't really recall many instances where I was visibly sad, or if I was, I certainly don't remember how my parents reacted. I think I mostly kept my sadness "inside" rather than showing it outwardly. I was quite alone for a lot of it, I guess, but I don't really have a memory of how that felt. Generally speaking, I remember very little about my childhood—and specifically, I can't conjure up any feelings from that era, even if I did have them.
. I have a sister, and she's the one I'm closest to.[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

Donna White50 said:I see a few different issues playing out here.
First off, there's that massive fear of loneliness you mentioned—how being alone sends you straight into a depression or a bad mood.
Then there's the fact that you can't handle being solo because the isolation itself feels unbearable to you.
Plus, you aren't really close with your family, and there isn't much emotional depth with your friends either...

Usually, most people have some level of emotional capacity (unless we're talking about serious clinical diagnoses), but often the fear and pain are so intense that we avoid facing them altogether. In reality, we're mostly just avoiding facing ourselves.
Because of that, we tend to use external stuff as a Band-Aid to patch up that unbearable internal state. We subconsciously stifle or suppress our emotions—basically turning into robots—because feelings usually just get in the way. They're hard to control, they overwhelm us, they mess with our ego, they hurt, they're annoying, or we just don't know how to deal with them. It’s also a super common foundation for addiction.

The real kicker is that most of us aren't able to just sit still for an hour or a day and be content with our own company while doing absolutely nothing. And by "nothing," I mean not watching TV, not scrolling through your phone, not reading, not thinking... just being present with yourself and your current state of mind and emotion.

So, it sounds like you're feeling this inner emptiness and loneliness, and you're using social interaction to try and patch that hole.
You likely have the capacity for emotions, but you're unconsciously blocking them.
I'm guessing it might be tied to fears regarding intimacy, loss, punishment, getting hurt, or maybe even humiliation...

I don't think you're going to find the answers just sitting there alone... but you could start by asking yourself some questions like:

I didn't particularly love my parents because...
I felt contempt or anger toward my father, and I pushed him away because...
I couldn't wait to move out of my parents' house because...
I don't feel the need (or want) to reach out to my mom, dad, or siblings because...
I don't open up to other people because...
When I hang out with people, it's mostly just a way to avoid feeling...
In a relationship, I'm scared to say "I love you" because...
I don't like hugging or being affectionate with a partner because then I feel... (repulsed, restless, obligated to reciprocate, or just nothing at all)...
I don't want emotions in my life because... (they hurt, they're inconvenient, I don't understand them, they control me, they make me feel weak, they leave me vulnerable, or I perform better when I'm acting like a robot, etc.)......

Thanks for the comment; you summarized that really well. I wouldn't exactly say I didn't love my parents, it's more that I never really connected with them—deeply, anyway. Why? It's hard to pin down. They are good people, especially my dad, but we never really expressed any emotion, even though I know they're there if I ever actually need them. Maybe that's where the issue lies?

I do want emotions in my life; I just don't know how to "make" them happen.

And as for why I don't like being hugged or kissed or touched—it’s because I feel like people are invading my privacy, especially when it’s uninvited, if that makes sense. I just get uncomfortable when someone holds my hand or even stands too close; I feel much safer maintaining some distance. Is it possible that this is why I struggle to connect with a partner?

Look, I’d like to think of myself as a pretty level-headed and rational person—I can usually tell when my actions actually make sense and when they don't. When I step outside those boundaries or act on impulse, I’m fully aware of the fallout.
I realize that if I can't actually bond with someone or just let my emotions take the wheel, I’ll probably end up alone. And honestly? That’s exactly what I’m trying to fix. I don't quite get why it works this way, but I recognize it’s an issue I need to tackle. I don't want to be solo. I hate being alone. If I stay home by myself for even two days, I start spiraling into this depressive, miserable headspace. I really, truly need people around me. So, I don't understand how it's possible that I struggle to connect with guys—or anyone, really. Where did all those feelings go, and how am I supposed to just "manufacture" them? I’d honestly settle for a messy, unhappy relationship at this point; even sadness is a feeling, and I just want to feel *something*.
I guess I'm just getting tangled up in my own explanation.

Henry Fisher74 said:You basically gave yourself the answer to your "problem."
Until you're content with yourself in the areas that bother you, you're just going to keep looking for that fulfillment in other people. But it’ll never be enough, because you're dealing with a bottomless pit.
Anyone trying to get someone else to fill a void inside themselves is never going to be satisfied, mostly because they haven't sorted things out on their own.

You should probably look back to whenever you first noticed this happening.
All humans have a fundamental need for acceptance, attention, and love.
That's why we have emotions in the first place.

You don't strike me as a psychopath, 😁 so I guess this is likely just a consequence of something you went through in your life.

But how am I supposed to do that? I can't even figure out what I'd actually be dissatisfied with if I tried.
I mean, I think anyone facing any kind of real-world problems would probably just laugh at my life

briskpuma6 said:The fundamental flaw in this entire narrative is quite simple:

If we were to swap that out for

"I'm an introvert, I don't have a single friend, I hate meeting anyone, I've never managed to build a long-term friendship, I don't care if anyone likes me, and I have zero interest in socializing..."

then the whole premise would actually make sense.

What you're describing sounds like a fear of intimacy—where physical touch is merely the "visible" symptom. Either you were smothered with affection as a child or perhaps neglected entirely, leading you to wall off your inner self behind reinforced concrete. However, you aren't even being critical enough yet; some people lack sexual impulses altogether, such as asexual individuals, while others struggle to connect with their gendered identity, like homosexuals.

There is still hope for you.

What you call extroversion is nothing more than the secondary extroversion of an introvert (essentially, you talk a lot without actually saying anything). What you label as friendship is merely acquaintance, because true friendship requires intimacy—that exchange of emotional connection where physical touch is a natural consequence. To embrace a true friend, to feel their warmth and presence... (though, let's be honest, if it ends up in bed, then there was no friendship between a man and a woman to begin with).

You have plenty of acquaintances and you're desperate for more. It’s obvious. Subconsciously, you can never have enough people around you because you haven't achieved intimacy with any of them, and you're searching for someone to finally satisfy your soul. In reality, you would probably be perfectly content with just one or two close friends. Real ones.

Technically speaking, it's a "splitting" of the soul and the ego. You exist in your own world, trapped in your own head and your own thoughts; since you aren't intimate with yourself, you cannot be intimate with anyone else. You don't truly feel, nor do you allow others to feel. Everyone else is simply a threat lurking outside the walls of your reinforced concrete fortress.

Good luck!

You've given me so much to think about! I have plenty of friends and I want even more of them. I know everything and anything about their lives, I stay involved in what they're doing, and I'm always there when they need someone to lean on. But they actually know nothing about me, and I am incredibly reluctant to share anything intimate.
It's hard for me to truly connect with people, though I don't really feel a desperate need for it either.

I didn't have a traumatic childhood; my parents weren't abusive, but I can't say I feel any deep, overwhelming love for them. I moved out at 18—went off to college in a different state—and honestly, I never really missed them. It felt more like a relief, a sense of freedom. Now they complain that I barely call and never come to visit. But I really don't have the desire, and frankly, it feels like a chore.

ironrider11 said:What does being alone actually mean? Is emotional connection just some mental construct you've built up—since you're basically an "emotional cripple"—based on the false assumption that things work a certain way? Like, you look at people around you who seem to be winning and you try to manufacture this "permanent, unbreakable, eternal" bond that isn't even there...

Maybe acting extroverted is just a way to compensate for realizing your own "emotional disability." It could just be a precursor to settling into introversion as a long-term "conclusion"... Which, during a transition phase, might feel awkward, like telling yourself "I'm gonna end up alone." But what does being alone actually imply?

What’s the real difference, say, between having quick, athletic sex with someone decent you kind of know, versus someone incredibly hot you’ve never even met before?

Well, the difference is massive. I just don't trust people I don't know—I don't want them in my personal space at all (I could probably go into more detail there since I've been through it, but let's leave it at that).

Most people would describe me as being social and easy to talk to, but honestly, they don't know a thing about me. I have zero desire to let anyone get deeply involved in my life—just the thought of it makes me incredibly anxious.

ironrider11 said:What does being alone actually mean? Is emotional connection just some mental construct you've built up—since you're basically an "emotional cripple"—based on the false assumption that things work a certain way? Like, you look at people around you who seem to be winning and you try to manufacture this "permanent, unbreakable, eternal" bond that isn't even there...

Maybe acting extroverted is just a way to compensate for realizing your own "emotional disability." It could just be a precursor to settling into introversion as a long-term "conclusion"... Which, during a transition phase, might feel awkward, like telling yourself "I'm gonna end up alone." But what does being alone actually imply?

What’s the real difference, say, between having quick, athletic sex with someone decent you kind of know, versus someone incredibly hot you’ve never even met before?

Look, I'm talking about my own environment—it's a pattern that I personally perceive as being "correct," even if that doesn't necessarily make it objectively true. I'm just noticing that I don't fit into that pattern.

I’m 35 years old, and I just don't feel like I have enough emotional depth inside me. Naturally, that ends up bleeding into my personal life...
To give you some context: I’m an extrovert—I have plenty of friends and I genuinely love being social. I enjoy meeting new people, I like being noticed, and I appreciate being liked by others. I’ve got several solid, long-term friendships under my belt. Despite all that, I can't stand it when people touch me, or when they get too deep into my personal space. I'm not into kissing, hugging, or even those overly affectionate little gestures. For me, a handshake is pretty much the limit of acceptable physical contact. When it comes to romantic relationships, things are slightly better, but I just can't seem to sustain a long-term
connection. It’s hard for me to actually *like* someone enough to want something more, and even when I do find someone appealing, that feeling is never intense or strong enough to make me want to stay forever. As I've gotten older, these relationships seem to be getting shorter. It’s as if I simply lack the capacity to love with enough intensity—it feels like there’s an emotional void where those feelings should be. I don't have that urge to cuddle, nor do I feel the need to share my inner world with anyone. I love sex, but I view it more as a physical act rather than this whole "making love" process; my goal is just the physical release, which I enjoy purely for the sensation, not because I'm looking for a deeper bond—though, I suppose I could never bring myself to have a one-night stand with a stranger. Given how things are going, I’ll probably end up alone, and I’m honestly not sure if that’s what I actually want... how am I supposed to build an emotional connection with someone else when I haven't even managed to achieve that with my own inner circle?