Posts by John Stewart9

Matthew Castillo5 said:If intellectual compatibility is a dealbreaker for you (and based on what you wrote, it clearly is), you might need to dial back the physical requirements. Or, you can keep hunting for that unicorn who hits the jackpot of looks and brains, but honestly? They're pretty rare. Personally, I’ve poured almost all my energy into my own mental growth and haven't given my appearance much thought at all, which means most guys write me off immediately just because I'm not exactly a supermodel. That’s probably why I’m still single, but hey, at least I have plenty of fun arguing with people on this forum. 😁

Look, looks and personality matter to me just as much as they do to anyone else, honestly... I'm really talking about having a baseline level of communicative chemistry, or maybe even a shared wavelength—you know, things like having similar habits, a sense of humor, or just a way of processing the world... It all stems from this deep-seated fear of those awkward, dead silences people get into, which is why I mentioned earlier that things are a bit more complicated than they seem. And it isn't just about my dating life, though if I'm being real, the biggest struggle for me is finding someone I can actually tease and banter with without it feeling forced... sometimes I pull it off, but most of the time, I'm just met with blank stares...

maybe try lowering your standards when it comes to how a girl looks.

There's no way, man... I'd basically be facing physical "coldness" sooner or later if I did that. And besides, how does one even "lower" their standards? That's like me telling you to try and suddenly fall in love with a food you absolutely can't stand...

Or just keep looking for that unicorn who has everything—the looks and the brains—but I'm afraid there aren't many of them out there.

So I'll just keep looking, because what else am I supposed to do? But yeah, if they're rare, they're rare...

For example, I've put most of my energy and time into my own intellectual growth, while paying almost zero attention to my physical appearance, so men mostly write me off right from the start just because I'm not particularly attractive. I guess that's why I'm still single, but at least I have fun debating things on forums... 😁

Honestly, I have no clue what investing in intellectual growth even means in this context... It's not some mandatory requirement, right? Whether or not someone cares about, say, soldiers in Uganda or discovering a new way to lower blood pressure is entirely up to them. There's nothing wrong with a girl not being interested in those things, but the problem arises when I see someone who actively avoids any topic that goes beyond their Facebook feed of "Vacation Photos 2011" or binge-watching crime procedurals and celebrity gossip shows... Man, I'm not fifteen years old anymore...
Matthew Castillo5then she should probably focus a bit more on her physical appearance and her social life, and then maybe things would start to shift... 🙂

Nancy Fisher3 said:It seems to me that you and people like you don't have much to worry about,
it’s clear your housing and finances are already sorted if you have the luxury of time
to be this depressed during your mid-20s...😕

I just don't get it...
Focus on your career and your work, then whether you meet someone or not, it doesn't matter.
Forget the dating part...🤷

Yeah, obviously the housing situation is all sorted out now... it's just that my folks are starting to act like they own the whole damn place... 😁

I just honestly don't get it...
Just focus all that energy on your career and building your professional life, and honestly, whether you happen to meet a girl along the way or not doesn't even matter... because if you stay on that grind, everything else just kind of sorts itself out eventually...
Good grief, what is going on with this girl...🤷

I mean, honestly, it’s really not the end of the world if you find yourself flying solo... I mean, what is being single compared to something like a massive hurricane hitting the Gulf Coast or seeing someone lose everything on the streets of Chicago, right...

I was just sitting here thinking about how much life can change when you’re navigating that whole Quarter-life crisis mess... it really hits you differently when you realize you're actually out in the world making decisions instead of just dreaming about them... anyway, I saw what John Martin16 was saying earlier and it totally clicked for me... it's like we're all just trying to find our footing while the ground is constantly shifting under our feet, you know?... It makes you wonder if anyone actually has a plan or if we're all just winging it and hoping for the best... turns out, most of us are probably just winging it...

hiddenhawk3 said:Maybe you'd even struggle to hold a conversation with people doing the exact same thing you are. 🤷
They might just not care about the same niche in music, science, or politics as you do. 🤷

There’s honestly just this massive group of people out there who are totally on our wavelength—those "soulmates" everyone talks about—except the catch is that we might never actually cross paths with them, or they’re living halfway across the country, or maybe they aren't even in our social circles, or they're just unavailable for one reason or another... I know, it sounds pretty heavy when you say it like that, but if you really sit down and think about it, it's basically just pure math, right? Just a cold, rational way of looking at the numbers...

hiddenhawk3 said:😠
John Stewart9, this is so gross it makes me sick.
so, what do you do for a living? win a Nobel Prize or something?

and do you actually find those hot, mediocre types attractive at all?

always "tall, dark, and handsome," huh?

What exactly got under your skin there?
Well, I'm still a student, unfortunately... haven't snagged a Nobel Prize yet and probably won't, but I do have certain intellectual standards and I don't see the issue with that. My struggle with communicating with women is a bit more complicated than that—I've mentioned it on the forum a few times before. It's a tricky thing, and if I had to pin it down, I'd say intellectual incompatibility plays a huge part in it. I know "intellectual" sounds a bit pretentious, but I can't really think of a better way to put it... specifically, I'm talking about that part of someone's personality where they're either engaged with or totally checked out from the world around them. So, some girls might catch my eye physically, but as I get older, I find myself totally losing interest once I realize how indifferent they are to everything... and honestly, I'm starting to notice that for some of them, my own passion for things like movies, music, science, politics, or social trends isn't exactly a turn-on for them either. Look, I'm not expecting to sit around having deep philosophical debates about nothingness all night, but man, it absolutely kills me when I'm sitting at a coffee shop having to practically hunt for a single common topic just to keep the conversation from dying...

I didn't quite catch your last question, but if I'm reading you right, you're asking about that second group of girls I mentioned in my post. Whether I attract those types is really up to them to decide, but it feels like I usually don't... though I already touched on why earlier...

Roger White3 said:In my opinion, knowing what you don't want isn't much of a consolation if you still have no clue what you actually *do* want. That doesn't feel like a "big start" to me; it feels more like avoiding the realization that things aren't where they should be.
Nothing just fixes itself if we don't take action. Drifting through days, weeks, and months hoping things will magically improve isn't brave. It’s just a sign of being lost.
I’ll be turning 25 next month, and I’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights wrestling with these exact thoughts. Between trying to find my own way and dealing with my parents constantly comparing me to old classmates who seemed to have it all figured out by now, I definitely know the feeling.

I totally get that, though sometimes people just don't have a choice in the matter... Not knowing what, where, or how isn't necessarily ignorance, it might just be part of the human condition, if you think about it... Some folks find their answers early, some later, and some never do at all... There’s no set rulebook for that... What really gets under my skin, though, is how society tries to dictate the timeline for finding those answers, and then uses that timing to judge whether someone is being "serious" or "irresponsible" about their life, regardless of how much we try to push back against that pressure...

Sarah Turner8 said:I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way. I’m only 17, still navigating high school, and I never imagined I’d be losing sleep over the actual meaning of life. Lately, I’ve been struggling with depression for a few different reasons, and this existential dread is definitely one of them. What is the point of my life? It feels like a conveyor belt. In middle school, everyone tells you to study hard so you can get into a good high school. In high school, it’s all about getting into a top-tier university. Then it’s college, then finding a solid career, then climbing the corporate ladder, and in the meantime—find a nice partner, get married, have kids... And then what? Why bother building anything? Why put in the effort to study or work if there's no ultimate purpose?
It honestly drives me crazy when people approach me and start judging whether I'm "marriage material" or whatever. Like, seriously? Is that their way of saying I was born just to settle down and become a baby machine? I don't get it...
I really don't want a "standard, predictable" life. I hate how society tries to force these unwritten rules on us, acting like your life has to follow one specific, pre-determined path. It doesn't!
I don't know if I'm making sense, or if even I truly understand what I'm trying to say... but I would genuinely love to hear your thoughts on what the meaning of life actually is. How do you think one should live? Should we be hedonists, or selfish, or focused on helping others? When you're being pushed around by life, do you pivot to a different perspective or do you stand your ground and fight for yourself? Do you live every day like it's your last, or do you live with the belief that a better tomorrow is coming?

Since you're only 17, your struggles don't really fit this specific topic... Your perception of yourself and the world is still much closer to a child's than an adult's, trust me on that... The doubts, crises, and questions you face in your teens, 20s, or even 30s are all pretty different (even if there's definitely some overlap and connection between them)... The question of the meaning of life is essential, but because it's so broad, it's a cross-generational issue that hits us just as hard at 15 as it does at 35 or 65... This kind of stuff really belongs in the philosophy or religion subforums...

Daniel Foster86 said:John Martin16, look, I'm not talking about exceptions here. We aren't just two people debating how to suppress feelings on some superficial level. I'm not claiming that if you master your emotions the way I'm describing, you'll magically never get annoyed again or never shed a tear for the rest of your life. Of course you will! You'll cry, and yeah, you'll probably lose your temper in the moment, but you won't allow those outbursts to hijack your entire existence or dictate how you move forward in life. This whole "mastering thoughts and emotions" thing is more about achieving harmony within your body and brain—I'm talking deep-seated internal balance, not just reacting to some negative bullshit that anyone would react to.

@ John Stewart9—I honestly can't bring myself to complain that certain women I lost interest in were lacking the qualities you mentioned. For some of them, sure, that was the issue, but let's be real, those were just fleeting flings anyway. But on the flip side, what about the ones who had plenty of intellect and plenty of sex appeal, yet I still found myself losing interest? I don't think it's just those two specific traits that determine whether a relationship lasts, unfortunately.

hm, well, that makes things a whole lot more complicated, doesn't it... I honestly don't think it’s a "problem" per se, but maybe it's just you, or rather, that deep-seated hunger for something fresh... which isn't even that weird when you think about it, because science has basically proven that humans aren't naturally monogamous by design—monogamy is really just a cultural construct we've built up over time... plus, there's that itch for novelty, for something exciting to shake up the daily grind... I have this buddy of mine who’s dating this girl that everyone thinks is just your typical sweet little blonde, but man, whenever we hit the bars, he's constantly hitting on other women, and ironically, he’s way more aggressive about it than us old single guys (though okay, that might be easy to explain: guys in relationships tend to carry themselves with way more confidence, that much is obvious)... besides, the girls he actually goes after physically aren't even on his girlfriend's level... so clearly, like you said, it isn't always about looks, it's about that craving for something new, for that "forbidden fruit" vibe, etc... we all just find our own ways to fight off the monotony... that's pretty much the long and short of it...

John Martin16 said:I get it. Even as a woman, I find it exhausting... 😁
Basically, I've noticed men gravitate toward the "polished" types—the full package of girls who might not care about fashion trends or trendy cafes, but actually offer some substance. They claim they want smart, kind women, yet they still chase the superficial ones. Or, you see these "lucky" guys who actually find a woman with real depth and compatibility, but even then, it's not enough for them... They eventually lose interest.🤷 Yeah, how is anyone supposed to navigate that?

I'm really glad you see my point because I seriously wouldn't want to come off as some sexist jerk or a snob, because that's truly not me at all... but over the years, something has become crystal clear to me: even though I'm constantly thinking about girls, and yeah, I'm getting turned on all the time, and I absolutely hate going out when there isn't anyone to meet... I've realized that I just can't really have a good time with the girls I find attractive, and frankly, I don't have much to talk about over coffee... I can't discuss politics, adult movies, football, films, TV shows, or social trends with them... none of that stuff interests them... It feels like the only people I can actually have a deep, coherent conversation with are gay guys with Palestinian roots, or maybe some nerds wearing thick glasses and sporting weird hairstyles...

I definitely agree with krasotka that you shouldn't just sweep these problems under the rug. They just sort of nestle themselves into the back of your mind until you don't even notice them anymore, only to start stinging you bit by bit, all the time... You don't even realize what happened until you finally deal with them...

Daniel Foster86 said:Alright, I’ll weigh in too 🙂. I’m 27—and no, don't give me that "you're just young and everything is a crisis" attitude. I definitely experience some of these same "symptoms," though there's a catch: I’ve always been in serious relationships, or at least some kind of committed partnership. So, how does this crisis actually play out for me? It’s like this—two years ago, I went through the exact same thing regarding college. It was that whole "look at everyone else, they're all landing jobs while I'm stuck here" spiral. As for marriage, I don't spend much time obsessing over it because, let's face it, same-sex marriage isn't legal here in the States, so at least that's one less thing to lose sleep over 😁. But I can certainly draw a parallel to your "question" about marriage and commitment. Like I said, I’ve only ever done serious stuff; it's not foreign territory to me. I’ve been in a relationship for two years now, and before that, it was a 3.5-year stint. Basically, my real fear is losing that capacity for deep happiness and fulfillment through these long-term commitments. That’s how I might end up mirroring your lack of interest in women. I start off interested, but then... the spark just dies.
Anyway, those specific triggers—like the college stress—have mostly settled down, but the underlying struggle remains: searching for purpose and trying to find the least painful way to navigate life moving forward. Right now, I’m trying not to dwell on it and attempting to stay positive, but if you were to peer into the depths of my soul or my brain, you'd still find those nagging questions. How am I supposed to survive a serious relationship if I don't even believe I *can* survive one? How do I steer my life onto the right path so that one day, when I'm old, I'm not looking back and asking myself where my youth went, or regretting things only once it's far too late to change them? 😕

even though I don't have nearly as much relationship experience as you do, what you just said hits home because it's actually one of my biggest fears: that I'll just "cool off" on a girl really fast. Usually, it goes like this—the girls who are actually intellectually compatible and interesting to talk to just don't do anything for me physically. And it works the exact same way the other way around, too: the ones who are physically stunning tend to scare me off with that specific mix of high self-confidence and total inner mediocrity, if I can even call it that... basically, I'd lose interest physically with the first group, and mentally with the second. That’s honestly why I’ve been playing things close to the chest with women for the last few years, even though my libido stays at a constant level... it’s this internal tug-of-war that just leaves me feeling frustrated...

inner mediocrity—that's the automatic disqualification I hand out to girls with great bodies but absolutely nothing to say when we actually sit down to talk😁 jokes aside, it genuinely shocks me sometimes when I see how many women, even those with Ivy League degrees, suffer from this plague... brand new designer heels, chasing after some "tall, dark, and handsome" guy, or posting those moody black-and-white selfies on Instagram to look all romantic and mysterious... it's like that's the entire extent of their world... how is anyone supposed to find a connection there?...

William Sanchez80 said:You’ve got it all wrong. Life isn't some linear assembly line where you check off boxes one by one—daycare, school, college, marriage, kids... that's not how it works. Most people are out here running multiple tracks at once. They're grinding through a degree while working, or raising a family while hunting for a career. Honestly? I think that's the smarter way to play it. All those people who insist on doing everything "sequentially"—and then they finally land the house and the white picket fence—usually end up totally broke, or they're too old, or they can't even have kids anymore because they waited too damn long.

At first glance, you sound like someone who just feels powerless against the world, and frankly, that's a bad look. You're just sitting there waiting for things to "just happen." Look, man, nothing is just going to fall into your lap. In this life, you and everyone else have to grab the reins and actually drive. It’s called taking RESPONSIBILITY for your own existence. As long as you're busy pointing fingers at someone else—your mom, your dad, your college professor—nothing is ever going to get better. Get out there and grab life by the throat! I’m telling you this with the best intentions, based on my own hard lessons...

It’s actually super interesting how some people seem to follow this perfect little blueprint while others just drift through life without any rhyme or reason... I have friends on both sides of that spectrum, and those of us in the "drifter" category are always wondering what kind of secret sauce those "planners" are using to get everything so perfectly lined up...

At first glance, you sound like someone who feels totally powerless against the world, which isn't a great headspace to be in... you're basically just waiting for things to "happen" to you... look, buddy, nothing in this life just falls into your lap, you've gotta grab the reins and drive your own life if you want anything to change... it's called taking responsibility for your own existence, because as long as you're pointing fingers at your parents, your professors, or your boss, you're never going to move forward... you've gotta dig in and make it happen! I'm telling you this with nothing but good intentions based on my own life lessons...

A wise person understands their own limits and what they can handle, but they also know they need to check in with themselves every now and then... obviously, how much effort you put in matters immensely for your future, but let's be real, we're all tied to some web of circumstances, some random X-factor that we have almost zero control over... the trouble starts when that web gets tangled in a way that works against us... I'm not out here blaming specific people, I'm more looking at the bigger picture, this combination of factors that left me feeling frustrated—mostly regarding my romantic life—and a bit pessimistic about the general state of things... basically, what we can actually control in our lives is pretty limited...

Bryan Morris5 said:I know quite a few people dealing with that exact same issue, and honestly, I might even fall into that category myself, even though I’m only in my early twenties... You mentioned that college was weighing on your subconscious because of the sheer number of exams you had to take—what do you mean by that, exactly? I'm not sure which university you attended, but it kind of gives me Fidelity Investments vibes 😁 since there are plenty of people there struggling with the same thing 😁

I guess what I really mean is that I spent way too much time overthinking everything and just getting lost in my own head, especially since I was buried under a mountain of final exams to wrap up my degree... It felt like this constant weight sitting in the back of my mind, you know? Like even when I’d be out on a weekend in Chicago, I couldn't actually switch off or just live in the moment, not even after a few drinks... My confidence took a massive hit too, so I definitely wasn't out there trying to pick up girls or anything, and honestly, going out just started feeling like such a drag. I was basically just going through the motions, hitting the clubs out of pure habit because that's what I'd done for the last two or three years... And man, trying to get through college in a major hub like New York is a serious grind if you don't stay focused, otherwise you just end up throwing so much time and money down the drain... So yeah, that was the heavy lifting I was dealing with. If you've never felt that kind of pressure, honestly, you're lucky...

Nah, I'm telling you, it definitely isn't law school... 🙂 To make matters even worse, all my buddies and acquaintances who are on the legal track have already finished up their degrees...

Melissa Sanchez8 said:We’re thinking along the same lines on that one. Honestly, I don't see anything negative here, but it feels like there's an unspoken "but" lurking behind that last sentence... as if all this doesn't actually make anyone any happier...
I know deep down that finding that perfect partner would be the icing on the cake... but since that’s just not happening right now, I’m trying to make the most of my time and focus on things that actually matter. Sometimes being on your own is just a less painful way to figure out who you really are...

John Stewart9:

I see an "upward trajectory" here, which tells me that maybe you aren't even dealing with a crisis—or if you are, you're crushing it... just like I told you before... I can't keep draining myself trying to find comfort in a relationship that’s just fundamentally broken... it's exhausting...It’s just like how I can’t spend my whole life avoiding downtown because I'm terrified of getting hit by a car...

I’ve been dealing with a crisis for a while now—in every sense of the word. But lately, I feel like I'm finally making headway with this loneliness thing. At least, that's how it feels to me...
I totally get where you're coming from... I've been through that exact same thing myself. All I can say is that now that I'm finally at the end of that whole "process," I just feel this weird sense of indifference, maybe with a tiny, lingering spark for someone in the back of my mind...

John Stewart9:

College used to be such a heavy weight on my subconscious back when I was drowning in exams... I didn't even realize how much it was dragging me down until now. I'm finally reaching the finish line, so there's definitely some relief there, even if the whole job market situation is making me feel pretty anxious... When it comes to my friends, things get messy... and I’m honestly worried that those quick fixes you're suggesting might just end up blowing everything up in our faces... It’s easy to brush someone off when they don't mean a damn thing to you... And who exactly can you even swap out for someone else? Honestly, we all changed so much during the twenties... which was pretty much expected, I guess... so that we ended up... It feels like a bit of a divide has opened up between us...It could be anything, really... intellectual capacity, daily routines, long-term life goals, wins, failures, you name it. Of course, it all depends on who you're talking about, what level we're looking at, and how much weight you give it... It’s getting harder—and sometimes feels straight-up impossible—to find anything to actually talk about over coffee. Maybe that's just a sign that the connection is dead and there's nothing left to say... but then again, the alternative is... Loneliness...I’ve been through it myself, and let me tell you... it was absolutely toxic for my mental health.

Honestly, I’ve always been a believer in the idea that it’s better to be on your own than stuck in bad company. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth, and I get that...
The cuts I made involved walking away from people I’d known for anywhere from four to eight years... people who had been in my life since I was a kid. It left me pretty lonely, sure, but that solitude actually taught me something important: most of those relationships were doing more harm than good. When you finally step back and look at how people treated you—with some actual emotional distance—you start seeing things clearly. I realized they were just superficial acquaintances all along. I only thought they were true friends because I was the one doing all the heavy lifting...

The first stretch was rough, I won't lie, but I eventually realized I could hold my own. I learned how to rely entirely on myself, which changed everything. Don't get me wrong, I have a few genuine friends now—real ones—but if I say this out loud, I might sound a bit cold... but losing them wouldn't actually break me. It’s that thing you always read about in those American self-help books; once you truly realize you have yourself, loneliness just kind of loses its grip.
Once I wrap my head around love from that perspective, I feel like I'm finally back on top. 😉

I know everyone handles things differently. This was just how I managed to navigate my friendships, and it's how I'm trying to tackle romance. I don't think there's any harm in looking at someone else's journey... after all, you can't unlearn what you've been through.

At the end of the day, you just have to do what feels right for you—whatever makes you feel better. These crises? They're just temporary. They pass...

I mean, I’m totally on board with everything being said here, and honestly, I’m doing alright on my own, but like I mentioned before, the years are definitely starting to pile up... and the only time I actually got serious with someone was about six years ago, and even that was super brief. It’s just starting to get to me, you know? Like, there isn't even the slightest hint that things might change anytime soon... I've basically been flying solo since my high school days and I still haven't stumbled upon "the one" (not counting those random flings here and there, obviously). Now I've got all this pressure from everyone around me, and I can't exactly just switch that off, so I guess I just have to deal with it...

John Stewart9 said:

Honestly, I’ve always been of the mindset that it’s way better to just fly solo than to hang out with a crowd that doesn't vibe with you... I mean, at the end of the day, everyone is wired differently and we aren't all cut from the same cloth, which I totally get... The cuts I made in my life involved walking away from people I’d known for anywhere from four to eight years—you know, those childhood friends who have been around since the playground days... The fallout was definitely this heavy sense of loneliness, but honestly, it was in that quiet solitude that I finally realized those connections were doing way more harm than good. It’s funny how once you take a step back and look at someone’s behavior with some actual emotional distance and a little breathing room, you start seeing things in a whole new light... I eventually had to face the fact that most of those ties were just incredibly superficial, even though I’d spent all my energy treating them like deep, lifelong friendships because I was always the one putting in all the work... Even though things were pretty rough during my first stretch, I finally realized that I can actually hold my own out there. I’ve learned how to just lean on myself, you know? Nowadays, I can honestly say I’ve got a handful of true-blue friends who really mean something to me, but—and maybe this sounds a little cold—if I lost them, I don't think it would crush me. It’s kind of like that thing they always talk about in all those American self-help books, where once you realize you actually have your own back, that crushing feeling of loneliness just kind of disappears... Once I wrap my head around love from that perspective, I feel like I'm totally on top of my game. 😉

I mean, I can definitely function on my own too, but only up to a certain point. Later on, speaking from experience, things start getting heavy and this negative vibe starts creeping in... okay, so luckily I can say I have friends, it’s just that our relationships—just like us as individuals—are way more complicated now than they were back in high school or during those early college years. Honestly, I just wouldn't be able to hack it alone for very long.

The bottom line is just to do whatever you feel is right for you so you can walk away feeling better, because these crises are just temporary phases that eventually pass...

I'm with you on that

Timothy Grant28 said:Yeah, you're spot on

My situation is just a bit different. I’ve got a long-term girlfriend and we're actually engaged
Career-wise, I’m pulling in an above-average American salary
I still have the same core group of friends from middle school—and I mean actual friends, not those random people who just drift in and out of your life

But here's my dilemma: Is this really it?
Get married, have a kid... is that honestly the whole deal? Is that all there is to life?

I catch myself thinking about just packing up and leaving. No goodbye, just take out a loan and vanish from everyone's radar

But honestly, thanks for this depressing post. It actually helps me stay put (not even joking), because sometimes you need to see someone else hitting rock bottom just to appreciate what you've actually got

Sorry for the heavy post, and thanks at the same time

Don't even worry about apologizing, seriously... honestly, I think most of us feel a little bit better about our own lives whenever we see someone else dealing with something even more intense than what we're going through. There are those sociologists out there who argue that a person's whole identity is basically just "relational"—you know, like you're just a product formed by constantly comparing yourself to everyone else around you rather than being your own standalone thing... anyway, your situation definitely fits right into what the thread title is talking about, though I guess it’s a different flavor of struggle compared to mine... Melissa Sanchez8Look, I’m definitely not in the exact same boat as you, so I probably shouldn't be acting like some kind of guru, but man, it really sounds like there's this persistent void hanging over you... even though on paper, everything seems totally dialed in with a solid career, a beautiful wife, kids, and a great circle of friends. It’s like you’ve checked all the boxes that most people would say define a successful life, yet there's still that nagging feeling that something is missing... I honestly think you really need to dig deep and get to the bottom of what that emptiness actually is, because if you can just pinpoint where it's coming from, everything might start to click...

Yeah, looking back at my own post, it honestly sounds pretty depressing, which isn't really me at all—I'm definitely not that kind of person, at least not usually... It just comes across that way because when you strip away all the context and look at a single problem on its own, it starts to feel like this heavy, isolated thing, even though it’s really just part of the messy, everyday grind we all deal with...

John Stewart9 says...

rowdymason38 said:You’re living reactively—not proactively.

Look, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love a good witty one-liner or a clever little saying as much as the next guy, but honestly, trying to drop aphorisms and catchy phrases like that in a debate like this just doesn't really fit the vibe of the discussion...

Melissa Sanchez8 said:I’m in a pretty similar boat—same age, single, and surrounded by people who are either married or in heavy relationships. You know how it is, the family expectations are always there... but I don't dwell on the negative anymore (even though I used to). It’s not that I feel lonely—I definitely miss having someone, even if I’m in no rush to tie the knot—but when I look at the people around me, they don't actually seem any happier just because they're coupled up (some have kids and all that). Honestly, sometimes they seem more stressed out and constantly complaining about something.

Listening to them makes me realize everything happens in its own natural timing, at least for me. The difference is, unlike you, this realization didn't hit me until now. With a bit more experience, I've become way more optimistic. I've got my career going, finished my degree, and I truly feel like my life is just getting started. For now, I’m doing what I want and going wherever I want.
I often think about how much unhappier I would be stuck in a bad marriage right now than I am being single, and that thought always puts things in perspective...
So, I really believe everything will fall into place eventually. There's no sense in rushing into something before you're ready, which is exactly what a lot of people do, and then they spend years regretting it.

But you also have to put in the work yourself. Why not just finish that degree? You mentioned yourself that you're just wasting time, when you could be using it so much more effectively. Clean house and cut out the toxic friendships too. That's what I did—it cleared my life out, and now I’m surrounded by quality friends who are actually there for me, just like I’m there for them. I don't waste my energy on the wrong people anymore. To find your path and actually find yourself, you have to start making those changes.

Honestly, I’m in absolutely no rush to tie the knot or anything like that... I know plenty of people out there are jumping into all sorts of different kinds of relationships, but that's just not really my vibe. When you're looking for a potential partner, you kind of naturally envision them being someone who can actually fulfill you on both an emotional and physical level, so finding a high-quality relationship just becomes the logical next step after that... In other words, sure, I could be seeing some girls, but I already know deep down they won't be able to satisfy me in those big, essential ways—you know, physically, emotionally, or even intellectually—so I just write them off right from the jump...
Look, I totally get that there are some serious perks to being single...

Quincy:

When I listen to them, I realize everything is just unfolding in this logical, natural way, at least in my own life. It’s just that, unlike you, that realization didn't really hit me until this stage of my life (I guess getting more experience makes me a bit more of an optimist)... I've got my job, I finished college, and honestly, it feels like my life is just getting started. For now, I’m doing exactly what I want to do and going wherever the hell I want to go. I find myself thinking all the time how much happier I'd be staying single right now rather than being stuck in some miserable marriage, and that thought always puts me in a better mood. So, I truly believe everything is eventually going to fall into place. You shouldn't rush into anything before you're ready, and so many people have rushed in only to end up regretting it later.

I see an "upward trajectory" here, which basically means you might not even be in a crisis, or if you are, you're crushing it... but like I said before, I can't constantly exhaust myself by worrying about a potentially unhappy relationship, any more than I could spend every trip into downtown Chicago terrified that a car is going to plow into me.

Quincy:

But hey, you’ve gotta put in the work yourself. Why wouldn't you finish that degree? You even admitted you're just wasting time when you could be using it way more effectively. You need to clear the clutter out of your life—get rid of those toxic friendships (that's what I did, and now I’ve surrounded myself with high-quality friends who actually show up for me when things get heavy, just like I do for them, so I don't waste energy on people who drain me). To actually find your path and figure out who you are, you have to start making some changes.

College was definitely a weight on my subconscious during those years when I was drowning in exams, though I realized that a bit later on... now that I'm finally wrapping things up, I feel this huge sense of relief, even if the whole job hunt situation isn't exactly thrilling.
As for the friend thing, it’s a lot more complicated than that, and I’m honestly worried that those quick "cuts" you’re suggesting might come with some pretty heavy consequences. It's easy to just ghost someone who doesn't mean much to you and who you can easily swap out for someone else. But through our twenties, we all changed—it was inevitable—and it created this kind of gap between us, whether it was because of intellect, daily habits, life goals, or just where we ended up in life (though that obviously depends on the specific people and the context, of course)... for instance, sometimes it feels nearly impossible to find a single topic to talk about over coffee—which might be a sign that the connection is dead and gone, but the alternative is loneliness, and I've experienced that enough to know it's incredibly damaging to my mental health...

Every once in a while, I feel this wave of what people call a "quarter-life crisis" hitting me, and honestly, the intensity fluctuates quite a bit... it’s basically that identity crisis you get when you're in your twenties or early thirties, though those lines aren't exactly set in stone. Since I'm already pushing through the back half of my twenties, things feel a little heavy—I'm still grinding through college, I don't have a girlfriend, and my friendships seem to be constantly drifting or hitting weird patches. I know plenty of other guys out there dealing with the exact same stuff, but man, knowing I'm not alone doesn't really make it feel any better. On the flip side, I see so many friends and acquaintances who graduated ages ago, landed solid jobs, and are already deep into the whole marriage and family thing—and naturally, I end up seeing them way less often than I used to. College isn't even the biggest headache, even if it's something I can't ignore; at the end of the day, you just finish it whenever you finally cross that finish line. But on a personal level, everything feels way more complicated: the years are slipping by, and I haven't met anyone I could actually see myself building a life with... marriage and kids still feel like something straight out of a sci-fi movie to me. My parents have never really given me a hard time about it, but I can definitely sense that expectation hanging in the air, along with some pressure from the relatives I actually care about, making me feel like I should be doing something more... And truth be told, I wish things were different too, because when I was younger, I was totally convinced all of this would just happen naturally. Since it hasn't, I've started feeling this creeping discomfort, a hit to my self-confidence, and this nagging guilt because I'm not working yet, I don't have a partner, and it feels like I've wasted so much time... anyone who's spent a long time stuck in school will totally get what I mean 😉. Plus, my relationships with friends are always up and down; one day we're tight, and the next I'm not even sure where we stand... it seems like everyone is just trying to find their own lane, or like they say, searching for themselves. There's also this heavy dose of nostalgia for those happier, simpler times in the past, too
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If you guys are going through something similar or have had these kinds of experiences, please share them...